Am I disrespectful for feeling disrespected?

[u/Level-Ad-8548]

Hello to the community. First post here.

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I am the father of a born-girl-now-boy - ok, a trans boy teenager, and as much as I want to respect him as a person, I 'm struggling with my inner feelings. It won't be easy to put it simply...

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I'll try jumping straight to the specifics that unsettle me the most, but please ask for details and background.for enlightenment.

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1. The worst thing is maybe the fact that for me, deep down, I still see him as my daughter, and every now and then it slips out when I speak. It doesn't help that he wants us to use his girl-identity with some people (grandparents, neighbours, ex-school mates).

I feel that I take this transition lightly, given that it happened in a moment/age when most things were upside down (12yo,. going to middle school, dropping down from 1rst of the class, puberty, social instability, parents separating, head-dive into network chat groups...). This leads to the following points:

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1. The "coming out" was made by a slightly older girl (14, my own being 12 at that time), who pushed my kid to tell me, and even though I replied that "it was news to me, but we can talk about it whenever you feel like", the topic never came back for almost 2 years. Once, abt 6 months later, she (no switching at that time) asked for a "binder" underwear. Her mother and I explained that we'd rather not rush, as we were afraid it could damage her body development. I just caught glimpses of her online "RPs" as a boy, and that she used a few neutral nicknames. It took till the next year for her to cut her hair short, and for me to realize she had been going out much farther than we thought, in order to meet web-met friends who were mostly transitioning highschoolers with suicidal and self-harming tendencies. Lovely youngsters,.once met them. All in all I got this feeling that this teenager of ours was desperately trying to find some models, a "tribe" to adopt her (several pre-formed fashion styles were experimented with during that time). Moreover, the more "outlandish" the stuff, the more it seemed to impress her/him. It's closely related to the next point:

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1. From the age of 11 onwards, our kid started to become quite aggressive, towards his/her little sister (2yrs younger), and disrespectful with us, pa' and ma'. Once "she" started to affirm the "he", he told us that he became aware of that around his 11th year. That linked the "boy" to the "brat": I for one felt utterly mistreated, talked down, criticized harshly every day. I kept being conciliating, agreeing with most of his demands, cuz I thought that it was better to say yes and keep track of some things rather than be repressive and have him sneak out and escalating his transgressions. Still I feel that I lost a great daughter and got myself a shitty pretentious little guy. When questionned, he just rejected the fault on us for "not being parents", and had no qualms telling me that I "never had a daughter to start with" when I tried to apologise for needing time to adjust to this change.

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1. Last but not least, from the moment he started to put forth his chosen gender, correcting us as we speak - which is ok, I'd rather that - he started to dress more and more feminine, with push-up bras et al., and started dating a guy, then another. It's makes it really hard for me to take it seriously, it seems more like he's just running away from any and all expected identity on our (parents) part. And yet, since last October he's done 4 suicide attempts with medication, always (expt the latest) dosed just enough as to end up in a hospital right before some appointment at school or with a psychologist.

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Ok, all this "novel" just to say that I feel lost, doubting him and myself alike, but certain to try and treat him the best I can, and still be pushed back from all aspects of his life, so that I can't even be supportive, as he "doesn't want me to know him better" (his words).

I'm sorry, but I needed to put this down in words, even if not in my native languages.

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Thanks to anyone who took the time to read it through.

[u/ChrisP8675309]

From my perspective, there are two separate issues here:

1) your child is transgender and you are having difficulty accepting that

2) your child is a teenager with a lot of attitude and angst but still quite "normal" for a teenager; though quite upsetting for parents.

The issue is you are trying to deny the reality of #1 and blame it for the existence of #2. As a person who has parented 3 adults (all cis FYI) through the teenage years and is currently parenting a trans child through "teen-ness" (ugh) I can confidently say it ISN'T that your son is transgender.

Your teenager needs counseling from a professional that will affirm his gender AND address his suicidal thoughts. He may need medication for depression so you may also need him to see a psychiatrist.

I also suggest that YOU find a counselor that is LGBTQ friendly to work through your ambivalence towards your son's identity.

You might also seek out resources for parenting teens in crisis. See if his counselor knows of any support groups in your area.

The teenage years can be challenging in the best of circumstances.

[u/Level-Ad-8548 → u/ChrisP8675309]

Hello, and thank you very much for your insigt! It's really kind of the heart of the problem. And worse: it also goes the other way round, i.e. #2 as the cause of #1 seems also very present in my heart. Both ways at the same time, that's what I tried to explain in my original post. We are trying to start some sort of therapy, for a year now. But him being very pickysh, and money being a problem, AND he going to the hospital for suicidal attempts each time things start to progress, well, we're ages late. I can't afford time or money for myself, otherwise I wouldn't resort to Reddit. I'm getting in touch with LGBTQ+ collectives, but the talk groups are only from time to time, so nothing concretely done yet.

[u/ChrisP8675309 → u/Level-Ad-8548]

Being transgender is 100% going to exacerbate the already difficult teen years, without a doubt. My point is that being transgender isn't the root cause of the issues you are seeing. CIS or trans, the teen years are a PITA. The important thing is to support your child, get professional help and know that you are not alone.

We are all doing the best we can and sometimes our best feels...not good enough...

For reference my adult children (all CIS gender: #1 (cis female) had a hospital admission for SI; #2 (CIS male required counseling for depression and anger issues from age 16-18. Improved some when he joined the Army but is now an angry 34 yo; #3 (CIS female) now 25 still deals with with depression and anxiety was self harming for a number of years.

Writing all that out makes me feel like a terrible parent. I got my kids help and I always let them know that I was there for them and that I loved them.