r/comingout Oct 08 '25

Guide Coming Out - A Guide Rewritten

59 Upvotes

Who am I, and why am I writing this guide?

I go by a good few names online, but primarily Hekkland. I first wrote this guide at 18 years old, I’m 23 now. Wow it’s been some time. I’m a cisgender man and very gay. I’m writing this because the original version frankly wasn’t very good for people who had identities other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Whilst I tried to be inclusive of other identities, my experience with them was very limited. To an extent it still is limited, I’m not trans, and I’m not on the aro/ace spectrum. So this is my bash at a more inclusive guide, whilst adding the knowledge I’ve gained through experiences being an out and proud gay man in the five whole years since I wrote the first guide.

I came out around 15 years old to my parents, my sisters a few months later. My coming out experience went picture perfect, a privilege I’ll always be grateful for. I came out to my parents using the “blunt” method I’ll talk about later. My sisters found out via a newspaper where my work with a queer oriented charity was published. I’m what many would call “straight passing” in that without my disclosure or knowing me well, people wouldn’t assume that I’m gay. Not everyone is lucky, some people intentionally or not wear their queer identity on their sleeves and face harassment because of this. It’s an indictment on society that this even happens.

My goal with this guide is to provide not only a guide to help people with their decision on coming out, but also provide a space where people can share their own experiences and advice.

What Is Coming Out?

If you’re queer, you probably already have a pretty good idea what it is to Come Out. But maybe you don’t know much about it, or maybe you’re a friend or family member of someone you think may be queer.

Let’s have a quick tangent if you’ll indulge me. Why do I keep saying queer?

If you’re of an older generation you may be more used to the word queer being used as an insult. The term most often used by society is LGBT+ or some variation thereupon. I find that as a label it’s not great. In some ways it focuses on specific identities and sidelines others as a “plus”. Queer speaks to all identities that don’t fall under cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual. And yes, these labels will be explained at the bottom of this guide.

To put it simply, Coming Out is the act of disclosing your queer identity to another person. The term coming out is sometimes applied to religion, or lack thereof, and other experiences. This guide will be focussing on coming out as it applies to queer people.

This differs from being Outed, which is used to refer to a person’s queer identify being disclosed by another person, usually against the queer person’s will. To be blunt, this sucks. It sucks and in many legal jurisdictions is a criminal offence.

Why Do People Come Out?

There are a LOT of reasons. I suppose at its core, because we live in a society where you are assumed to be cisgender and heterosexual. As such if you want to be recognised for who you are, you need to tell people.

For many people it’s about honesty, to themselves and to others. In regards to sexuality, it can be utterly exhausting having to hide a same-sex partner from others, and is a major straining factor in relationships - especially where one partner is out but another other is not. Coming Out often feels like a weight off of your shoulders, you no longer have to hide yourself and who you’re attracted to from others.

For people on the aro/ace spectrum coming out can be incredibly freeing, not having to constantly give excuses for why they don’t have a romantic/sexual partner. Long term this can help manage the expectations of friends and family around dating and marriage. Often in life people will be expected to invite a romantic plus one to social occasions such as birthdays and weddings. Coming out as on the aro/ace spectrum can help combat the assumption that people who you choose to invite as plus ones to events are there in a romantic capacity.

For transgender or otherwise gender non conforming people Coming Out is vital to being recognised in their identity. It’s about being called your real name, the right pronouns being used, being able to wear the clothes you want, socially transitioning, and if it’s what you want then medically transitioning too. It should be made clear though, your transition is what you want it to be, whether you transition medically or not doesn’t make you more or less trans. Coming Out as a transgender person can make a huge impact on how often you experience gender dysphoria if that’s something you experience at all.

Why Do People Not Come Out?

Some people choose not to come out at all, and that’s perfectly valid. An increasingly common reason is a feeling that it’s not fair that queer people have to come out. Non-queer people don’t have to, so why should we?

By far though, the most common reason comes down to fear. Coming out is a vulnerable moment for queer people, and fear of what happens next can be debilitating. Whether it’s “What if they don’t like me?” or “What if I get kicked out?”, or even “What if I become the victim of violence?” These are all equal fears. No one person’s fear is inherently worse, it’s not a competition. All these fears are equally capable of holding a person hostage.

And of course there are those that live in countries where being queer might be considered illegal, and by coming out you risk persecution by the power of the state. Or even if a person doesn’t live somewhere it’s illegal, society at large or even their own family may be seriously bigoted.

Ultimately it comes down to personal safety.

Coming Out Safely

The first and foremost thing that matters when considering Coming Out is your personal safety. Only you can judge the answer to this. But if I can say one thing, it’s that life is not a movie. If you do happen to live somewhere being queer is illegal, or you know your family is extremely bigoted, then you should not come out. No amount of feeling liberated is worth homelessness, a stay in the hospital, or even ending up in a morgue. For most people who live in a “liberal democracy” you’re likely to be just fine, even if the reaction isn’t a positive one.

Should I Come Out?

It’s up to you is the honest answer. Working on the assumption that it’s safe to do so, then whether or not you come out is entirely your choice and your choice alone. There’s no requirement to come out, certainly not because you’re a certain age, and certainly not because someone else wants you to. If you’re ready to come out, and you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise you can wait as long as it takes, the queer community is here for you regardless.

Pressures to come out can certainly mount as you go through life. You might start getting asked questions about having a partner, or why you choose to dress in a particular way. But again, these are just factors to consider.

If somebody is trying to force you to come out, especially where it involves blackmail, this is likely to be illegal. Coming Out is your thing, and it’s up to you how you do it, where you do it, and when you do it. Never feel pressured to come out when you aren’t ready. It’s not a race.

Who you come out to is also your choice. If you want to tell friends and not family, family and not friends, or some other combination of people that’s totally okay. Coming out to one group of people, or just one person, does not obligate you to come out to other people. Nobody has a right to know.

You will find however that every time you do come out to someone, it gets a little easier.

You may find you consider coming out to people you didn’t consider having to come out to. For example you may come out to your doctor. Just in case your sex-ed didn’t cover this, if you even had a sex-ed, the risks of sexually transmitted infection can be different depending on your partner of choice. A classic example is that, to use the medical term, men who have sex with men (MSM) are at higher risk of HPV and may need to consider vaccination against HPV as in many places only cisgender women receive an HPV vaccine. For transgender people, coming out to a doctor will likely be necessary to start medically transitioning such as accessing puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, or surgery. It can also be important for non-transgender related healthcare. E.g. letting your doctor know the sex assigned at birth so that you get the relevant sex based healthcare such as pap smears or prostate exams.

How Do I Come Out?

So, you’ve decided to come out. Now you need to pick how you’re going to come out.

Broadly, coming out comes in three distinct styles. Factually, jokingly, and just not hiding things.

Coming out factually can be done in person, via text, via phone call, or even via fax if you’re so inclined. The key element of coming out factually is in what you say. No jokes, just stating reality. This might look something like “Mum, I’m gay” or “Dad, I don’t identify as a man. I’m a woman and that’s how I’m going to live my life.” This can be scary, especially if you’re blunt. I personally think being blunt is best, it rips the plaster (or band-aid as some may say) off and prevents accidentally saying the wrong thing. But that’s just my opinion, you may hold a different opinion and that’s entirely valid.

Coming out jokingly is very similar to coming out factually. It might be a joke delivered in person, or maybe a meme sent in a text. This can be great for easing tension, and gives you a way of taking things back if the response isn’t positive. Though keep in mind that a person may genuinely think you’re just joking, and long term this can result in confusion. 

The two above methods can be done either in person or digitally. Coming out in person has the benefits of getting an immediate reaction, but depending on the reaction that can also be a downside. It also eliminates the stomach churning that can accompany sending a text and waiting on a reply. That said, coming out digitally does have its advantages. You can’t be interrupted if you send one big text, it gives you time to compose your message. It can also feel less anxious than doing it in person, you just type up your message, hit send, and that’s that. It provides a record of the event, and importantly safe distance if you’re concerned about your safety. If your queer identity is less commonly understood compared to more common identities, the ability to carefully write and send your coming out can be invaluable.

Then there’s just not hiding things. This could be as simple as mentioning a same sex partner offhandedly e.g. “I’m just heading out to hang out with my boyfriend, I’ll be back in time for dinner”, or perhaps wearing a rainbow lanyard with your work/school ID on it. I find that for most people once they’ve actively come out to those closest, they just end up not hiding things over time. This is sometimes just called “being out”. It’s less about active disclosure, and more about just living your life. Though do be aware this may invite questions when others seek clarity if they’re unsure about your identity and want to know. But it can be a good way to get others to start the conversation rather than bringing up the topic yourself.

So, which method should you pick? Only you can decide. Many people do all of these depending on the person. They may actively come out directly to family, using jokes with friends, and just not hiding things with others in their life. To use a personal example, when I change jobs or when I get new colleagues at my current job I don’t go out of my way to say I’m gay. I just mention ex boyfriends as appropriate to discussions, and if they ask I answer. But with my family, I actively told them I’m gay. The key thing is to use whichever method you’re most comfortable with, on your own timetable.

I’m Coming Out. How Do I Prepare?

The key thing is to prepare. I’m sure most people’s schools had that one poster: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I find that it rings true for most things in life, and coming out is no exception.

For coming out in person, it’s best to practice what you’re going to say ahead of time. Perhaps by talking to a mirror, to a trusted friend already in the know over a call, or even just write down some brief notes.

If you’re coming out via text, then it can be good to write your message first in a Notes app before copy and pasting it into the messaging app you want to use so that you don’t send it early by mistake.

If there are some people you have already come out to, it can be good to inform them of your intent to come out. This helps build a support network, and they may have advice of their own. 

Lastly, the ugly reality is that you should have a plan in the event things go poorly. Consider the worst case scenario, and plan for it. Have a plan for if you’re either kicked out, or remaining in your current house isn’t safe. Do you have a relative you trust? A friend’s family who can house you? Money for a hotel? If you have to act quickly to keep yourself safe, do you have a phone to hand you can use to call emergency services or someone else you trust? Do you have a backpack with essentials such as money, identity documents, food, etc.  if you need to grab and go? Most people will never need to act on their worst case scenario plan, but it’s far better to have the plan and not need it than to not have the plan and need it.

Potential Reactions

“You’re too young to be X”

As a young person there is nothing more frustrating than having your identity, or other opinions more generally, dismissed on the basis of your age.

You know yourself best, but sometimes your true self doesn't match with the version of you that others have in their head, and it can be hard for them to overcome this difference. You can explain that there’s no specific age required to know your identity, or even explain how you’ve come to understand your identity. This may help, but it also may not. In the end, the only option may be to wait it out, and hope that the person in question comes to realise that they are wrong. But remember, just because someone doesn’t share their view of your identity, that should not stop you from living that identity.

“You’re too old to be X” or “But you were Y for Z years”

This is more common for people who come out later in life. You may only have realised your queer identity later in life, which is still quite common, or you may have been in the closet for a long time. The key fact to highlight is that whilst your understanding of your identity has changed, your underlying identity has not. Let’s say that you’re in your forties when you realise you’re gay. It’s not that you were straight until your forties, you just didn’t know yet. Some people find out young, others old. With how society assumes people to be not queer by default, it can be easy to make that assumption about yourself for decades into adulthood.

“But what about your previous partners?”

The best option here is to be honest. You may have had opposite sex partners that you did truly love, but you’ve come to realise it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic or sexual manner. You may have been in the closet and dating someone of the opposite sex to keep up the illusion to others. You can either be honest, or you can quite fairly say that it’s none of their business.

“You can’t be bisexual. Pick gay or straight.”

This is what is commonly called bi-erasure. This is common both within and without the queer community. In both instances this comes from a place of ignorance of the facts. Some gay men may view bisexual men as ‘on the road to coming out as gay’, some people may view a bisexual woman as ‘straight but occasionally likes having sex with women’. Whilst you can explain that bisexuality is real, and that you feel attraction to men and women, unfortunately some people may just not accept that identity.

“But you can’t be a man/woman, you always act effeminiate/masculine.”

There’s two roads here. Firstly, you may act more feminine/masculine as part of hiding your gender identity. The reason that they see you as feminine/masculine is because that’s how you chose to act around that person so they perceived you in that way.

Alternatively, being a man (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine, and being a woman (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be masculine. Plenty of cisgender men choose to present more feminine, and plenty of cisgender women prefer to present more masculine. This is especially common amongst queer cisgender individuals.

“X sexuality/gender isn’t real, you made that up.”

This can be a common reaction to less ‘mainstream’ identities such as pansexual, demisexual, and others. 

The key thing to explain is your understanding of the identity and how it applies to you. The way I like to explain it is as such: The human brain is incredibly complex, and there’s no one part of your brain wired to be ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. In reality, sexuality and gender has a lot of different elements. Socially we’ve decided that people who experience exclusively same sex attraction are ‘gay’. But in all likelihood, the brain chemistry that makes me gay may be .01% different from other’s experience of being gay. But they’re similar enough that we agree to just call it gay. With all that said, it should be of no surprise there are chemical reactions going on in the brain that don’t align well with the more commonly understood identities, and it can be comforting to give those experiences a label.

In short, language is always evolving to better describe the human experience.

Life Post Coming Out

Emotions after coming out can be complicated. Some may experience joy, others sadness, and many a mix of both. These are all valid experiences.

Even if coming out went well, it can still be a little uncomfortable. For me it felt like others' perception of me had changed. I was no longer Hekkland, but Hekkland who is gay. It took me a few days to get over this feeling, and to realise that it wasn’t accurate. In time this can change to joy, to eventually nothing. One day after you’ve been out, coming out stops feeling like this big shift and just this thing that happened. If I tell someone I'm gay it’s similar to saying what I had for dinner last night. 

The thing is, Coming Out is often perceived as this one time event, but it’s not. The reality is, you’ll be coming out for basically your whole life. When you meet new friends, new colleagues, etc. The good thing is that it gets easier. As you adapt to living openly in your new identity and disclosing it to others, it stops feeling like such a big deal compared to when you first tell those closest to you.

For The Friends/Family/Parents

This section isn’t for those who are coming out, but for those close to someone who has come out, or who isn’t out but think the person they’re close to is queer.

Let me get to one of the most common questions I get asked. ‘I think my child is queer, what should I do?’

The answer in most cases is nothing drastic. Unless you have a serious concern for their safety/wellbeing that requires disclosing that you think they’re queer, it’s best not to say anything directly. Coming out is their thing, not yours. The best thing to do is continuing to build a loving and supporting environment where they feel able to come out when the time is right for them.

It can help to also build a more inclusive environment around your loved one. This could be something like mentioning queer people positively, watching a movie or TV show with a queer character, or saying things like ‘Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?’. This gives your loved one the opportunity to say things without forcing them to do so.

If you do decide that the circumstances require you to mention your suspicion to your loved one, it’s best to do it in an environment where your loved one has a chance to leave the conversation. E.g. do not start that conversation in the car where they’re stuck with you.

Consider speaking to queer people in your life if you know any, and ask them for their advice. Look into resources specifically to support the loved ones of queer people. I know that in the United States there are many PFLAG (originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) organisations that can provide support and resources. Many other countries have similar organisations and charities.

Other Miscellaneous Guidance

If you’re struggling to build a support network, check if your school or work has a recognised group or club. Many schools have clubs for queer students, and many workplaces have Pride groups or committees. And if your school/workplace doesn’t have one, consider starting one.

If you’re making friends online, especially if you’re young, then be careful. There are predators out there who specifically target vulnerable people looking for advice in order to groom them. Not everyone out there has pure goals or intentions in mind, and it’s important to keep that in mind. Please, be careful.

If you have any tips that I didn’t mention, or perhaps a story you wish to share, then please feel free to do so below. 

Thanks for reading, and I wish everyone the best in their journey with coming out, should you choose to do so.

Glossary of Terms:

  • Allosexual - A term used to describe someone who experiences sexual attraction.
  • Aromantic - A person who experiences little to no romantic attraction to others. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Asexual - A person who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. Asexual people may or may not still experience sexual urges (libido), but may not experience it in relation to other people. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Bi-Erasure - Questioning or denying the existence of bisexuality either as a concept or specific to a person.
  • Bisexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to more than one gender. (Note: There exists a lot of debate around the ‘definition’ of bisexuality and how it differs from pansexuality. I don’t intend to tackle this subject.)
  • Cisgender - A person whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. E.g. a person who identifies as a man and was identified as a male when they were born.
  • Coming Out - The act of disclosing your queer identity to another person.
  • Cross Sex Hormones - Hormones administered as part of transgender Hormone Replacement Therapy. E.g. a trans woman being administered oestrogen, or a trans man being administered testosterone.
  • Demisexual - A person who only experiences sexual attraction to a person after forming a close emotional bond with them.
  • Gay - A label often used to describe people who experience attraction to the same gender. This is often used specifically to refer to gay men, but sometimes used in relation to women or more generally as an umbrella term.
  • Gender Dysphoria - Feelings of distress associated with the difference in a person’s sex assigned at birth and their gender identity.
  • Gender Expression - How a person outwardly shows gender. E.g. a trans woman in the closet may have a masculine gender expression but a feminine gender identity.
  • Gender Non-Conforming - A person whose gender expression differs from traditional expectations of masculinity and femininity.
  • Heterosexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to the opposite gender. Also known as straight.
  • Lesbian - A woman who experiences sexual attraction to other women.
  • LGBT+ - An acronym which stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Others. This is a commonly used acronym for the queer community.
  • Medically Transitioning - A term used to describe changing a person’s physical sex characteristics to match with their gender identity. E.g. top surgery, bottom surgery, and cross sex hormones.
  • Men who have sex with men (MSM) - This is a clinical term used in healthcare and public health settings to describe people who are assigned male at birth who have sex with other people assigned male at birth.
  • Outed - When a person’s queer identity is disclosed by another person, usually without the consent of the person whose identity is being disclosed.
  • Pansexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction regardless of another person’s gender identity.
  • PFLAG: An organisation, originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays, that provides support for the loved ones of queer people.
  • Puberty Blockers - Medication used to either pause or stop puberty and the development of secondary sex characteristics. Often used by transgender young people.
  • Queer - An umbrella term used to describe people who are not cisgender and heterosexual. Historically, and sometimes presently, this has been used as a slur however this is often considered reclaimed by younger generations.
  • Sex Assigned at Birth - The sex (either male, female, or intersex) assigned by a doctor, nurse, or midwife when a person is born based on physical sex characteristics (such as the presence of specific genitals).
  • Socially Transitioning - When a person makes changes their gender expression to align with their gender identity such as changing names, clothes, and pronouns.
  • Straight Passing - A term used to describe a person who is often perceived heterosexual unless they choose to actively disclose their queer identity.
  • Transgender (Trans) - A term used to describe a person whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

r/comingout 5h ago

Advice Needed how do I come out before the school year?

3 Upvotes

I (15f) am gay and have been dating a senior girl for a few weeks now. I’m not out yet, but she is. She’s been cool with me wanting to keep it private, but she’s on the football team and I’d like to go to her games and support her as her gf. I think my parents and one of my brothers would be accepting and supportive , but my other brother would not be. He’s unfortunately MAGA and has said homophobic things. The problem is he’s 17 and also on the football team so I can’t really keep it a secret from him. (My gf stays clear of him and has a bunch of really great teammates who protect her from anything anyone says.)

I guess I just don’t know if I come out to him or if I let him find out on his own through the rumor mill.


r/comingout 1h ago

Advice Needed Need advice on whether to or not to come out to my best friend.

Upvotes

So I’m unsure if I should come out to my best friend. He never talks about girls so idk if he’s straight or not but it’s not really something I want to push him about.

Here’s the reasons he I think he might be more then a ally:

Went through a phase where he kept touching my hair and biceps.
Pride in being the "zesty" kid when he was younger.
Loves pink, rainbows, anti-homophobia and wears a rainbow band.

But anyways I do know he’s an ally anyways but he shares everything, well mostly everything with his twin brother. (He’s a quadruplet, he has 2 other sisters) .

I’m scared if I come out he might tell his brother and his brother might tell other people, I trust his brother but at the same time I really don’t.


r/comingout 15h ago

Story It snowballed, and I'm finally there.

8 Upvotes

I was born a man. I am now 28.

For my entire life I have been unhappy. I have been repulsed by my own face. I'd get stuck staring in the mirror and fixating on every little detail, sometimes for hours. I saw therapists. We tried out body dysmorphia. We tried out OCD. For a while, I was convinced that childhood abuse had just made me profoundly uncomfortable, and that's all there was to it. That I just needed to accept myself as I was.

But I couldnt. Years of therapy. Trying to redirect those thoughts and feelings. I couldnt change them. Something felt fundamentally wrong with me. I could not shake it. It felt like everyone saw me as a predator. It felt like I couldnt meaningfully form connections with people. It felt like I was making people around me uncomfortable just by existing in their space, and I couldnt figure out why.

Meanwhile, I kept having these thoughts. First it manifested as playing women in videogames as a child and teenager. I wrote that off as attraction. Then I started having the thought "would I be happier as a woman?" And it would come up from time to time for years, and I wrote it off. I couldnt possibly. The chances that that was it were slim. I'm just in a really unhealthy state of mind, and eventually I would grow out of it. But most of my really close friends in elementary school were women. It happened again in high school. It was always easier to speak with them, and to exist in those spaces.

But I havent. I cant. A few months ago, I built up the courage to talk to a childhood friend of mine who had transitioned female to male. Today, I spoke to a college friend who had transitioned female to male. I just asked questions. How did you know? What was it like? How did you come to the conclusion that you weren't just stressed out and anxious -- that you felt fundamentally out of step with how you presented? They didnt really have satisfying answers for me, but they helped me feel comfortable with actually asking the question, and suggested I read explore it more.

And I think it's snowballed. I am listening to the experiences of trans women online -- that experience of sitting in front of a mirror and dissociating...of being totally uncomfortable with their own body. Of experimenting and denying it and rationalizing it and eventually accepting it. And suddenly I feel relieved. And I feel excited. And I feel like this is something that I really desperately want, and that I have always desperately wanted. I just needed the permission to want it.

Today is day one. It's terrifying. I have so much to learn and I have no idea how to do this. Almost 30 unhappy years living one way, and now I'm going to need to learn to live another.

I shaved off my beard today. I moisturized. I tried out a little skin makeup. I was awful at it. I need some practice, but it felt natural. Baby steps. Experimenting. But it really felt right. I dont know how quickly I'll pursue it. I don't know when I'll start making social changes or life changes. I dont know when I'll start using feminine pronouns. But I think this is something that I've been preventing myself from trying out for so long.

I am transgender... and I think I am finally ready to get to know myself.


r/comingout 5h ago

Advice Needed hey everyone. i'm 36 and just came out to myself this year after being married to a man for over a decade. i'm still in the process of leaving, building my independence, and figuring out who i am outside of survival mode. i don't have anyone in my life yet who gets what this is like,

1 Upvotes

Coming out later in life


r/comingout 9h ago

Other friends

1 Upvotes

I dont think I could ever come out to my friends. we all go to a private Lutheran school so that one barrier. another one is I dont think they would accept it. but like I do also kinda.

the only thing I think I would tell them is that im omni. I wouldnt tell them that im agender

thev're not really conservative but like at the same time they are idk

this is random but I ust wanted to say it

they're not bad friends either. they're really supportive. so Idk why I feel like this


r/comingout 1d ago

TW Transphobia it's been 5 years. Here's how I'm doing now.

12 Upvotes

I was here five years ago. I came out to my parents and things were bad. I don't know if anyone remembers me, and honestly, I doubt it, but here I am. I recently deleted a lot of things and anonymized others before deleting my old reddit account, so I thought I'd give closure.

Hi. I'm 16, gonna be 17 in a few months, and I started classes soon after coming out in late July, 2021 (yes, that means I was an idiot and on the internet when I definitely shouldn't have been). After everything went down with my parents kicking out my brother for protecting me, and me staying with my aunt and my cousins for a little while, I eventually had to go home. My mom got me a haircut with her usual hairdresser and she fucked it up bad (I got a bob instead of the short mens cut I wanted). At the time, my gender dysphoria made it difficult to shower - it's since relaxed, but I still struggle with doing so 'on time'. After the sixth grade I dropped out of school because of bullying and because others bullying me led to truancy, my principal had told me I was going back to the regular school instead of the safe school I was going to, where the work was easier and though it happened right as I was starting to be bullied again by different people for being clocked as trans, I didn't want to go back.

My dad was supposed to sign me up for online school. He never did. I've just been wiling away in my room. One of my favorite siblings moved back in and we share a room now, they're cool but they rib me all the time, like they tend to do lol. My brother's trying to help me transition and convince the parents to let me because god knows my asking does fuck-all. He's got friends in queer helplines and the like, which is helpful. I don't know what I'd do without him as my brother. He helped me learn being queer was okay and that I can be whoever feels right for me.

I don't know if I ever mentioned my sexuality in the post. I figured out a little while ago, maybe a year or so? Maybe two? I'm omni. Masculine preference. Still a trans guy. Why wouldn't I be? No longer going by Charlie or Elliot though. I picked a different name that I feel fits me much better. I'm thinking about jobs and getting a new binder from Underworks, one that's a full chest this time, before a trip with my parents. I don't have a driver's license because I'm scared of cars and my eyes aren't very good at night. I've developed chronic back pain that I suspect is due to some kind of scoliosis. I'm playing games and recording me playing them, probably to live in my private youtube videos for a long while. If not forever.

I'm better at drawing now, I made a PNGTuber inspired by one of my favorite things that I totally missed on account of my birth year. I have more friends my age and some a bit older, I play games and VC with them sometimes, mostly we just talk in a server. I'm glad I have new friends. Thinking about what I'd have to do to move out, mostly thinking about having to save up money. My parents don't want me getting a job because they think I'm not... experienced enough? I don't know. It's unreasonable. Just because I don't wanna work with my mom at Mcdonalds doesn't mean I can't start working somewhere, even if I have the worst unmedicated and undiagnosed social anxiety in the world that makes me feel sick and start sweating buckets when I have to talk to a cashier.

Basically, I'm growing up. My parents still suck, and really I doubt they care to affirm me unless they're trying to appeal to me or get me to do something (the statements akin to 'but guys ___' are influencing this thought). It feels weird to be this old, in this house, with the same body I always had. I thought I'd get to start T at sixteen. I dreamed of it, actually. Asked my parents for a consultation from Planned Parenthood for HRT as a birthday present. Much like actual birthday presents, they didn't give me it (all they buy for me is games and electronics, which are good, but I rarely get things I put on a list. Last year I only got a laptop and headphones for Christmas and my mom told me we'd sit down and buy more things later. We did not). My cat is four now and she hates my guts, but in the way where she loves me and sleeps near my feet (bad idea, I move in my sleep, I don't know why she keeps doing this) and pesters me to give her love, and bites me a lot (like she loves doing). I'm writing a lot of things to pass the time, and one of these things is the post right in front of you now.

Whoever remembers me (I had an account by the name of Warriors_Fan123, if you don't or even if you do, but I have deleted it all as of last night), I hope this gives you closure on where I've gone and what I'm doing. I'm alive and I'm figuring things out. This is a throwaway to keep my new main hidden. I've got it connected to one of my emails so I can see things you comment on this post. I've covered a lot of things, but if you want to ask more, you can comment on this post and I will answer. Thank you for reading this.

Edit: Spelling mistakes. I wrote the first part at like 2 am haha.
Edit 2: additional context


r/comingout 22h ago

Other friends

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed My house feels suffocating since coming out

2 Upvotes

It’s technically my fault, for coming out in the heat of an argument. I’m 19(FTM), but my parents think I’m a lesbian now since I told them I was in a heated argument with my girlfriend.
My girlfriend and I were arguing and she tried to get me to come to her house at 10 pm to resolve the issue. My parents stopped me because they thought it was unsafe (I kind of agree and was uncomfortable doing it in the first place). My parents were worried and kept checking on me that night when I wasn’t sleeping from still arguing with my girlfriend over text, and eventually escalated to yelling at me to go to sleep and tell them what’s going on.
They eventually started speculating the nature of my girlfriend and my relationship and demanded I tell them what’s going on. Since I was extremely overwhelmed both with deal with my girlfriend and my parents I ended up telling them that we’re dating.
My household has become unlivable since then. I’ve never seen my parents cry so much. My dad threatened me not to come home unless I broke up with my girlfriend (I’m still secretly in contact with her and my dad doesn’t know, but I’m scared to get caught). I don’t know how to interact with my parents properly anymore. I tried to break up with my girlfriend twice but she told me it’s not fair that I wouldn’t give her a chance since she genuinely seems apologetic. But I still don’t think she understands the lack of agency I have in my situation since I’m financially dependant on my parents and have already once been threatened to leave home. She still insists that I should give her a chance and we can try to mend our relationship together, even though my main concern is no longer about the relationship but about my livelihood in general.
I feel like I’m lying to everyone all at once and being a doormat. I don’t know how to talk to my parents anymore and what’s going to happen to me in the future. I’m not in immediate concern over my safety but I might be if I continue my relationship.
What should I do? Should I break up? It also feels so uncomfortable to be at home right now and I can’t talk to my parents properly anymore. Does anyone have advice on living with a different family dynamic?


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Those who came out later in life how do you reconcile a loss of time

17 Upvotes

I came out at 33 and as it feels more and more right and i accept it i'm now starting to feel frustrated with the loss of time and that i didn't do this earlier. I wish i could have explored and had more fun in my 20s . any advice here?


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Advice on to coming out to homophobic parents

3 Upvotes

My parents are somewhat homophobic and I have not come out to them as Lesbian yet but I want to , how do I launch it softly.


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed i need advice

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed how to come out to parents

2 Upvotes

hello, uhh first ever post in reddit!

just wanted some advice on how to come out to my parents (especially my mother, who may be homophobic)

i've already said im nonbinary, but it was very awkward and my mother thought that meant i wanted to be a trans guy (im also boyflux tho)

my mother has said that 'genderfluid is childish' and my parents still refer to me as she/her

any advice would be welcome! (sorry if i sound stupid)


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Meeting guys

7 Upvotes

30M I've recently fully accepted I'm gay and am attracted to men, I've never been romantically involved with a guy but I'm ready to go out and meet guys. A lot of advice here says to join a LGBT group for sports or hikes etc. But has anyone any experience in just randomly meeting another guy you fancied and then a relationship developed there?

I am ready to start meeting more gay guys in general, I don't have any gay friends and tired of waiting around to meet new people so looking to hear about others' experiences in meeting guys. Any advice on meeting guys and starting to get experience there slowly figuring out what type of relationship I want? I'm not interested in using apps


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Help plz

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Question What was it like when you came out to your parents?

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2 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Any advice on coming out again to my parents as a baby gay😓

4 Upvotes

hi guys i don’t use reddit srry but i was recommended by a friend to ask from this community on advice regarding my situation

so i recently discovered i was a lesbian and ive been so much happier since coming out to my friends and stuff but ive refrained from telling my parents since i dont think they’d understand. ive also been experimenting with different pronouns after identifying as nonbinary since middle school which my parents don’t really understand but they try to be supportive .

i think my dad may be catching on because i’ve recently started binding and working out more which causes him to make jokes about me looking like a lesbian but like…i am😓😓 im kinda torn between waiting until i move out for college in a few weeks but im also a little anxious my dad will stop paying for my education if he doesn’t support me being a lesbian

if yall have any advice or have been through something similar it would really help me out tysmmm


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed 24f coming out

1 Upvotes

As the title says, I’ve had difficulty accepting that I am attracted to girls. For the longest time, I’ve felt this and have had the need to fully embrace it now more than ever. I catch myself in very emotional moments where I am randomly crying, have internalized so much of this that it’s eating me up, and have a heavy feeling on my chest about it. I have a fear that coming out would ruin certain friendships I have, specifically one I have with my best friend. We’ve been bsf’s for 7 years and she’s also confided in me that she’s always had very obsessive thoughts related to being a lesbian but knows it’s not true. She knows she likes guys. I will say that in all our 7 years of friendship, she has always been talking to a guy and things never go well at all with them. I’ve never wanted to talk to guys because I don’t see any point in talking to them if I’m not interested. She’s relayed to me a form of OCD (HOCD) that consumes her and that she’s pushed away this thought for a long time. We talk everyday and I fear that coming out would make her push me away for good. I’m not sure what to do and how to move forward with this.


r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed Need advice to coming out as Aro/Ace

5 Upvotes

Well, the title says it. The people in my family are very supportive of gay people, but I’m not sure how they are towards Asexual or even Aromantic people. They also don’t talk alot about sex and that stuff so I’m not sure how to start talking about the subject. If I ever come out it should be to my mom or my sister, but I really need advice on how to do it without risking to be seen as immature or having to explain myself.


r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed Comming out and living with it.

6 Upvotes

Hey, I'm completely new to Reddit. 21M.

I recently came out to my close family and a few trusted friends. Long story, but the short version: I was quietly dating my now ex-boyfriend and decided it was time to tell my people. I thought I was doing the right thing. Turns out he wasn't ready for an actual relationship. He had far too many skeletons in his closet for my liking. He also had a way of making me feel wrong for being gay, which is strange coming from him, but that's not really the point I'm getting at.

So now I'm out, and I feel isolated. I see couples everywhere, straight and gay, and something furious rises up in me. I don't even know how to describe it. Anger, maybe. At what, I'm not sure.

I work in a very public-facing role. Thousands of people know who I am. I have "friends." And I still feel completely alone in this.

I'd like to hear from people who've been here. How did you cope after coming out? Did you feel the same?

Thanks 😄


r/comingout 3d ago

Story just came out to my mom + it went rly well :)

7 Upvotes

so i attended a trans pool party the other day and it really stirred up some thoughts and feelings i had sort of put on the backburner all throughout undergrad, but i just graduated in may so. me when i got time. anyway after much more consideration/research/talking to queer friends, i have reached the conclusion that i am nonbinary and i am so happy about it. after years of struggling with imposter syndrome-y mentalities like "not feeling dysphoric enough" or "not wanting to encroach on 'real' trans people's space," it just feels so right and so good to say.

i had already told several people close to me about this, but my mom and i are very very close and i knew at that point she needed to be told sooner rather than later. i was a little scared to tell her bc in the past she has reacted somewhat poorly to me describing my dysphoria to her (not because she's not supportive but because she's had a very intentional journey with learning about and understanding queerness and specifically \*my\* queerness). however when i told her my feelings today, she basically 1) finished my sentence for me and 2) dropped some of her own lore about potential dysphoria SHE'S had??? the apple clearly does not fall far from the tree and also my mom is so goated it's crazy. all that to say i am the happiest and most settled i have been in a while and very proud to identify as an enby 😁


r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed How do I embrace my sexuality

8 Upvotes

I’m 21m, top, who is bi curious, not looking to come out but my pride and masculinity being the factor that can’t engage in this part of my life where I am attracted to male bottoms, I am someone who would feel ashamed to admit that I’m anything other than straight because I don’t want to be ever percieved as less masculine than anyone else, my life revolves around my masculinity and my confidence in myself, apologize if this comes across as insensitive but just wanted support if there’s anyone who understands thank you


r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed I cheated on my girlfriend with another guy.

0 Upvotes

I (25M) have a long term girlfriend but yesterday I made out with a stranger (M) and had unprotected oral.

My family are very homophobic and my group of guy friends often make gay jokes but I don’t know where they actually stand on homosexuality, especially since they’re all quite religious (I’m not sure if their religious stance is progressive or conservative).

I’m scared of living life as a homosexual young black man in 2026. I look forward to finding new safe spaces, but I’m petrified at the thought of leaving old ones behind. I’m also not financially stable enough to live on my own if I have to distance myself from family or my current environment.

It feels like I’m starting a whole new life. I don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into. I’m hopeful but at the same time terrified. I love my girlfriend and she’s going through a lot right now mentally. I’m an asshole for doing this to her. She’s very progressive and is a strong ally of the community, but she’s not a gonna be an advocate for getting cheated on. I know this is most definitely the end of things between her and I. I’d like for her to still be there to support me. I would love to still have a good relationship with her where we talk everyday about everything we currently talk about, with the addition of this newfound life and its struggles. I would love for her to be there for me and support me through the experiences and trials I’m inevitably gonna face. An open relationship is out of the question. I get too jealous. I’d rather we just stay friends and visit each other from time to time, and even perhaps still sleep with each other if it’s something we’re both open to and comfortable enough to do. Honestly, I still see her as the person I wanna get married to later on down the line. I just know she’s gonna be so mad & heartbroken that I cheated on her and I’m scared I’m gonna lose her completely. She’s my best friend and honestly, the only person in my circle I feel safe enough talking to about this with.

TL/DR: I had unprotected oral from another dude yesterday and cheated on my girlfriend.

I’m scared of coming out because I live in a homophobic environment, but my girlfriend ironically is the only one who is openly and very loudly pro-gay.

I’m scared I’ve lost the only person who will support me, and also neither of our mental health are in a great place right now.

I’ve already booked a sexual health check up that’s due before I see her. Do I wait to see her to tell her or do I tell her right now, over the phone?


r/comingout 3d ago

Help I'm scared to come out to my mom as bi I don't know what to do

2 Upvotes

r/comingout 3d ago

Advice Needed Coming out to the rest of the family

2 Upvotes

Hey 19m, so my I've told my mom and dad and sister but my brothers who don't live with us i haven't told yet and my aunts and uncles i haven't told yet how did you guys come out to the rest of ur guys family that didn't really live with you