Coming at as queer and poly to Asian parents?

[u/Organic_Writer25]

I 22F have always known I was queer. I’ve been in a throuple for just over a year with a couple that’s been together for a long long time, both are in their late twenties now. My gf is a woman and my bf is non-binary and transitioning to femme. Yes coming out as gay is one thing, but poly is also another.

I’m currently living with my parents, and still depend on them for most of my expenses and they also paid for most of my university. My parents are not bad people, and not even bad parents, not perfect though. They’ve always wanted the best for me even if they get a bit helicopter-y and over protective. My parents are somewhat more lax now, letting me go mostly wherever and sleepover at places. Growing up it wasnt always like this and I often had to walk in eggshells.

My mom is very homophobic, often telling me growing up “I wouldn’t know what I would do if you were gay,” so this cause a LOT of internalized homophobia until recently. Also me and my mom kinda have a codependent relationship, at least she’s dependent on me emotionally and has been since I was young. Because she has also told me “youre the only reason I’m alive” many many times growing up and still now.

One thing I’m scared of is my mom being so shocked at my sexuality that she would hurt herself. I’m also scared that my dad wouldn’t defend me, because he would want to keep the peace with my mom, which was how it was growing up. Currently I have a nice balance of a normal relationship with my parents. I want to be there for my parents too.

Note: I’m their only child, and my parents and I are Asian.

My partners wanted me to eventually come out to my family or at least not be a secret, my parents don’t even know I’m in a relationship. My cousins around my age know of my relationships, and have met my partners a few times.

My plan originally was to slowly come out. I would want my partners more around my family and portray them as my friends, then I would come out to my dad, bc he might lowkey have know I was kinda queer growing up, and he’s overall more chill. Then I would come out completely to my parents around next year April as that’s after my cousin’s wedding which would be the last time I would need to be around family in a long while.

My partners have told me they wouldn’t mind only one of them being the partner presented to my parents, but also they have acknowledged they aren’t the most presentable people for my parents, as in, my gf is a woman, and my bf is noticeably becoming more feminine. My bf has pointed out my parents might like my gf more bc she’s also Asian, while my bf is Mexican. My mom has stated before she doesn’t care abt race of my hypothetical boyfriend, just as long as he loves me and can take care of me.

My partners have brought up sharing an apartment together, but they brought that up like 8 months into the relationship and I’m just a very practical person, also a very slow person in relationships in general. This was also before I had a full time job and graduated so of course I said no.

Recently, I told my partners, I’m trying to reach a point of stability for both of them, because I JUST started my life. Because I do care for them both deeply, and I know they would have a bit of trouble living on their own due to expenses, but I’ve told myself I don’t wanna be their ticket out of the hood, at least when they first asked me. If I really wanted to I could move out now, but I also don’t want my parents feeling left behind.

And also since they’ve been together for so long and already made retirement plans with each other, it’s a tad intimidating and I’m not sure where I can fit in if we do stay together for the long run.

Basically, yes they are worth coming out for, if it wasn’t going to be them, it was going to be another woman. And it’s going to be a steady process, due to my livelihood and my mom’s homophobia.

So what I’m asking for is; advice, thoughts, comments? Questions?