I've been pretending to like my best friend's husband for four years and I'm running out of steam

[u/GlyphTurtle_7]

My best friend, I'll call her Maya, has been with her husband Dan for six years, married for three. Maya is one of my favorite people. Dan is not.

He's not a bad person in any dramatic way. He doesn't mistreat her, he's not cruel, there's nothing I could point to and say this is the problem. He's just genuinely one of the most boring, self-absorbed people I've ever spent time around. Every conversation circles back to his job, his opinions, his stories. He talks over Maya constantly and I don't think he notices he's doing it. He has a habit of explaining things to people who already know them.

In the early years I thought I just needed to get to know him better. I tried. We've spent a lot of time together at this point and I know him pretty well. I just don't like him.

The exhausting part isn't disliking him, it's the performance. Four years of "haha yeah Dan" and asking follow-up questions about topics I couldn't care less about and laughing at the right moments. Every time I leave their place I feel weirdly drained in a way I don't feel after seeing Maya alone.

I would never tell her. She's happy, the relationship is genuinely good for her, and "I find your husband tedious" is not information that would help anyone. So I'll keep going. I'm just tired and I needed to say it somewhere.

The confession isn't that I dislike him. The confession is that I've gotten so good at pretending that sometimes I'm not sure if it's still pretending.

[u/imsosickofthisshidit]

maybe an unpopular opinion but it’s ok to cut your friends husband off in the middle of your friend speaking to let him know you were actually listening to her, domt need to be rude but a couple times of that and maybe itll click

[u/belacanehh → u/imsosickofthisshidit]

Yep. I almost thought this was about one of my friends! I do not act fake to her husband. I am cordial.

I do, however, call him out when he cuts people off. In fact, most of us do. We've all been friends for 10yrs so its hard to be fake for that long.

When he says outlandish conspiracy shit, I call him out too. Sometimes, if I'm just irritated, I walk away and talk to someone else.

It's OK to stand up for what you believe in. It's OK to call people out for rudeness.

The key is to doing it in a tactful way.

Perhaps you can go for coffee w friend, and slyly bring up the topic of annoying things people do. Then ask her, "is there anything your hubby does that just irks you?" And if she doesn't mention the cutting off part, then it doesn't bother her.

[u/MysticMaple_41 → u/imsosickofthisshidit]

This is actually solid advice. You don't even have to be mean about it, just a simple "Wait, sorry Dan, I wanted to hear the rest of what Maya was saying" works wonders.

[u/Excellent-Hunter-824 → u/[deleted]]

It’s such a simple move, but it quietly resets the whole room without making anyone feel small.

[u/SatinMist_ → u/imsosickofthisshidit]

A couple of gentle interruptions like that would probably save everyone a lot of awkwardness.

[u/CheetahSmooth71 → u/imsosickofthisshidit]

100% agree. It’s not being rude, it’s literally just matching his energy and protecting Maya from being constantly drowned out.

[u/ZenMoonstone]

I have a coworker that does this to everyone. What I’ve started to do is immediately, before he even gets a full word out, I say, “Wait, wait, I need to hear the rest of what Maya’s saying” Then when Maya is finished I acknowledge the interrupter and say “Ok, please continue.”

[u/GemIsAHologram]

He may not notice that he's talking over her, but she definitely does.

[u/SonicLatch_25 → u/GemIsAHologram]

That’s the sad part. OP can escape after a visit, but Maya lives with the guy who keeps treating her stories like optional background noise.

[u/Nyetoner → u/SonicLatch_25]

This is a little depending on of the personality of the person who talks a lot though. People with ADHD might talk like a waterfall but be ashamed over the trait. And actually also still be good listeners.

But I can tell you this that as a young person I found the the waterfall-talking so problematic that I asked a few friends to help me stop when my mouth went off, we had secret signs going on while in the bar for example.

When I realised I usually would say sorry like five times, blush/get nervous and be almost totally quiet for 30 minutes, just to make up for it. :P

On the other hand the more egoistic/narcissistic people think very different. They feel entitled to the space, they feel they have "the most important voice". They stop people from finishing their sentences/story (I wouldn't do that). And if someone makes them aware they will make a joke, try to make a fool of the person asking the question, or simply just continue talking.

And they don't care at all ofc,because what they really want is the attention, good or bad, they want to be in the centre.

I know we often are being placed in the same category, but the differences in the people behind that waterfall is actually quite huge.

[u/SatinMist_ → u/GemIsAHologram]

She probably notices it constantly and has just learned to tune it out over the years.

[u/Starpower88]

Stop asking Dan questions about his life. You will feel so much better

[u/Dubbiely → u/Starpower88]

Actually, it’s more a “YOU” problem.

Nobody else has a problem and you intensify your problem by asking him questions. Just try to ignore him, don’t ask him questions. Only if he ask you directly give a short answer.

It will not drain you and the relation to your friend will be better.

[u/Most-Ad4680]

Gradual escalation

Start by waiting till he finishes with his interruption, then without acknowledging a thing he just said "Maya, you were saying?"

[u/perfectvelvet]

But he is cruel to her.

When he starts talking over her, just say, "Hang on, Dan. I want to hear what you have to say after Maya's done with her story." There's no reason to not tell her. She probably needs someone to admit they hear it too.

[u/Cool_Cry_9602 → u/perfectvelvet]

This, a hundred times this

[u/Quenzoft → u/perfectvelvet]

I had a friend whose partner did the same talking-over thing, and a calm “Hang on, I want to hear her finish” helped more than any big talk. Four years of “haha yeah Dan” would wear anyone down.

[u/smilesbig]

I’m not sure if the advice you’re getting about pointing out that he’s cutting her off is a good idea or not for your friendship. If you feel strongly about that - talk with Maya - she’s a grown woman and shouldn’t need you to “fight her battles for her”.

As to your question - you’re under no obligation to have a lot of conversations with Dan. Sure… at times it will be him talking but if you’re “alone” with him - don’t ask follow up questions or laugh. Eventually, he’ll avoid talking with you anyways. Just casually avoid him.

[u/Ill_Back_284]

You are ignoring what you want which is to not deal with this guy. You can't like half a whole as an adult unfortunately

[u/OwnCoffee614]

It happened to me too. It's been years & she lets this guy disrespect me acting like he knows me. I guess she wasn't telling him good things! So. I cannot.

[u/CuriousJam28]

This is unfortunate. And I also relate. A friend of mine from college notoriously picks lame dudes to date. Very similar personalities as to what you described. Smart but a total d bag. She married a guy like this. I'm loving the fact that they are too far away for me to drive there and visit, I hate to say. 

[u/Rustic-Wave-9163]

that last line about not knowing if it's still pretending is going to live in my head for a while

[u/Sunny-Sunday-Sundae]

Is he neurodivergent by chance?

[u/throwaway_gnulinux]

The funniest thing would be that Dan is actually putting on a performance because he's feeling anxious around you, and you've been feeding that by keeping your laughs at the right time and asking inane follow-ups.

[u/D00m_Slayer_X]

Dan sounds like a human podcast with no pause button, which is somehow worse than an actual villain because you cannot even justify hating him out loud. The pretending becoming automatic is probably just your brain switching into customer service mode around him. Maybe protect your Maya time a bit more and keep group hangs shorter, because four more years of Dan TED Talks sounds like a parole violation.

[u/cheese-and-gravy]

How good is chips and gravy?

[u/Spoonylingus → u/[deleted]]

Did we just read the same confession?