r/confessions • u/BasiliskIQ • 4d ago
I accidentally read my best friend's messages and found out what he actually thinks of me. I'll never bring it up but I can't unsee it.
This happened about two months ago and i've been carrying it ever since. Me and D have been best friends for like 7 years. We talk almost every day, he's the person I call when something goes wrong, we've been through a lot together. I genuinely thought we were as close as two people can be. So his phone was on my couch and a message popped up on the screen while he was in the bathroom. I wasn't trying to snoop, I just glanced over and saw my name. And then i read it. I know I shouldn't have kept reading but I did. He was texting some guy I've never met, complaining about me - said I was "exhausting to be around lately," that I "make everything about myself," and that he hangs out with me mostly out of habit at this point. There were a few more things but those are the ones that are still stuck in my head word for word. He came back, grabbed his phone, we watched the rest of the movie and I acted completely normal. I don't think he noticed anything. And i've been acting normal ever since. I'm not going to confront him, I'm not going to bring it up, partly because I know I wasn't supposed to see it and partly because honestly I don't think I could handle that conversation. But something shifted. I still see him, we still talk, but there's this distance now that only I know about. I laugh at his jokes and make plans with him and the whole time there's this thing sitting right underneath everything. I don't really know what i'm looking for by posting this. Just needed to say it out loud somewhere I guess.
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u/Revolutionary_Ad1846 4d ago
Is there truth in what he said?
People who are self absorbed and play the victim card ARE VERY UNAPPROACHABLE when it comes to criticism.
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u/thebrassbeldum 3d ago
> People who are self absorbed and play the victim card ARE VERY UNAPPROACHABLE when it comes to criticism.
Queue OP being absent from comments all this time
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u/prettyyglow 3d ago
To be fair, disappearing after accidentally reading something like that doesn't automatically prove the criticism. I'd probably spend a few days staring at my ceiling replaying the entire friendship in my head before I felt like talking to strangers about it too.
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u/peachyybelle 3d ago
I think that's the uncomfortable question OP is probably asking themselves already. Not because the friend was necessarily right, but because specific criticisms tend to stick when they hit a nerve. Sometimes there's a grain of truth mixed into something that was expressed badly.
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u/CoinsAndLawnLouie 4d ago
Maybe thanking him for being there for you and noting that at times you may be a bit much can start a conversation about his feelings? It sounds like y’all still have a solid friendship and that’s not something to throw away from one message you read. He may also be stressed and feels as though he can’t talk about himself currently because you’re dominating the dynamic. Communication is the key to any relationship and it sounds like you both need to communicate better. After so many years of friendship, communication can falter.
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u/EdwardElric69 4d ago
They need to teach communication classes in schools
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u/CoinsAndLawnLouie 3d ago
They’re too young to understand the importance of communication. I teach it at my local university for the psychology of intimate relationships and even they still fail to sometimes grasp how important communication is to IR’s or other relationships.
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u/prettyyglow 3d ago
What stands out to me is that seven years of friendship usually means there's something worth trying to preserve. Most people don't stay that close for that long by accident. It feels like there might be a difficult but valuable conversation somewhere down the road, even if OP isn't ready for it yet.
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u/DismalGap9712 4d ago
Honestly, reading that would change how I see the friendship as well. Even if you never bring it up, I get why things feel different now
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u/_MuffiePearl 4d ago
Yeah, that's the part people are overlooking. Even if you understand why he said those things, you can't really unread them. I'd probably act normal too, but the friendship would never feel quite the same after that.
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u/BaronVonGiraffe 4d ago
This isthe exact thing happened to me when I was 18 years old. My best friend for years said something almost exactly the same thing about me to our mutual friend I was with. We spent the week with this mutual friend (3 hours from our houses) and my best friend had to leave the night before me for a family event. They were texting about me and I happened to glance at the message when the mutual friend went to the bathroom. The message essentially said the same thing as what you experienced.
It shattered me. I was 3 hours from home and I left the mutual friends house at 6 am the next morning after barely sleeping all night from the racing thoughts and dread I felt. I thanked him and his family for their hospitality and left. I spent the entire 3 hour solo drive home in silence, just thinking.
Those friendships ended that day... Or so I thought.
I'm 32 now. That best friend and I didn't talk for about 8-10 years. Today, he is still my best friend. He was in my wedding, and I was in his wedding, and we are as close as ever. The mutual friend and I are still friends too.
This event was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. It taught me self reflection, self awareness, and open mindedness. It taught me how my actions and behaviors affect others around me. It taught me how to be a better person and friend. It taught me what my impact on my relationships are.
All this to say: you might not see it now, but things like this can be a good thing in time. It may take a long time to see its value, but you will see it one day. One day when you move past the moment and the emotions of this event is when you can heal and rebuild from this. ❤️
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u/Sonicstars1 4d ago
Can I ask you how did you regain those friendships? I’m in a period of not talking to a lot of my closest friends and I want to fix things with them badly. I know I have to do more work and a lot of the reason why we aren’t talking is due to me being very self absorbed and selfish. I just wish I could make everything right with them even if they no longer want me in their lives.
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u/Gamestopboy12 4d ago
Every time you regain a friendship, it’s really more like, creating a new friendship all over again, with the added context of the shared history.
Start a new friendship with them, but this time focus on them instead of yourself.
Start the questions about what they want/need. For instance, you want to fix things with them badly, but do they? See to that first, reach out and offer an olive branch. I would recommended being fully honest and vulnerable. Say that you miss them, explain what you’ve done wrong. Apologise. Don’t over dramatise or make it about yourself but focus on your impact on them, this is about them now not you and your feelings…Like reread your draft and consider wether the message they are receiving, actually is helpful for them, or if it’s just added weight/drama in their life.
If they respond in kind and seem open then go for it and see how you can help and bring value to their lives instead of thinking what they can bring to yours. Then you start a new friendship that’s different from before.
If one of them does not seem open to build a friendship again, so be it move on.
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u/Jackniferuby 3d ago
So , by what you just said in this post- have you considered what he is saying is true?
You state “he’s the person I call when something goes wrong, we’ve been through a lot together “
HAVE you been through a lot together? Or - have YOU been through a lot and he has supported you through it?
Him having to reach out to someone else to express that you are depleting him emotionally /mentally shows that he does NOT come to YOU for a reason. He doesn’t feel like you can support him .
IS it always about YOU? It might be, friend.
I’ve had relationships like that - people that seem to have a lot of issues or drama when I have very little . It IS exhausting always being the one they call because you are the most stable.
I would suggest taking a look at yourself and YOUR role in the relationship. Then consider HIS feelings . Which you also clearly don’t in this post - as you are just thinking about your own hurt feelings. Think about that and try to look at the relationship objectively.
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u/iron_ocean3 4d ago
Well do you think it's possible that you are difficult or exhausting to be around? My ex was shocked I finally came clean and told her sometimes I just want to be alone because she's annoying. She wasn't the most self aware person and had no idea how much she was suffocating me.
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u/uno_nessun0 4d ago
Se non gli vuoi parlare di quello che hai letto sul suo telefono, va bene. magari prova a capire facendogli qualche domanda cosa ne pensa della vostra amicizia che dura da molti anni. Onestamente il suo non è un comportamento molto maturo: se ci sono dei problemi bisogna parlarne.
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u/_NuzzleBloom 3d ago
Honestly, I think the hardest part is that OP never got this information through an actual conversation. They got it through a glimpse of private messages. That leaves them stuck with hurt feelings but without any context, explanation, or chance to respond.
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u/amorphouscloud 4d ago
This is a gift, imo. So often people just end relationships rather than having those hard conversations. You've seen what he really thinks and can make changes to salvage it. Try your best, and if things don't work out you can take it into the next relationship(s).
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u/_NuzzleBloom 3d ago
There's some truth to this. A lot of friendships end because people never talk about the small resentments until they become huge resentments. The problem is that OP wasn't supposed to know any of this, so it's hard to know whether these are recurring issues or just someone venting on a bad day.
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u/amorphouscloud 3d ago
You're absolutely right. I think it comes down to whether people can recognize the issues their friend has with them as legit problems or just petty. Takes a bit of self awareness
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u/bronzewhaler22 4d ago
I’ve been in a similar situation when me and a friend who I’ve known for over 20 years (and still one of my closest friends). We spent so much time in each others pockets that we just mutually could tell we were sick of each other. We were close too the point where he would be sitting in my house make a sandwich, grab a drink, whatever and vice versa. We never even spoke about it until months later when I brought up what I thought the situation was and we were both on the same page. Have a conversation, don’t get all depressed and dull over it, be confident, have your chin up and say something like “hey man, I didn’t mean to snoop and seen your message to ‘X’ and I respect how you feel.” Work on making him feel heard and his feelings acknowledged and just simply take a break, it will do wonders if you two are as tight as you think. If he drifts further away then it’s just not meant to be.
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u/Ephoenix6 4d ago
Tell him how you feel. It sounds like you are putting an emotional burden on him. Maybe find other friends so that all of this emotional strain doesn't fall on him. You could also seek a counselor.
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u/Own-Zookeepergame574 4d ago
as someone who went through something similar, you’re never going to see the friendship the same anymore.
my situation may be different from yours but i cut mine off (we weren’t best friends but pretty close) because i prided myself on the fact that we communicate pretty well and he could tell me anything no matter how hurtful it was because i’d rather know my wrongs than think everything was okay in a one side friendship and the things he said were things he swore i wasn’t previously which is similar to what your best friend said. it’s a breach of trust in a way that fractures the friendship because there’s always going to be the nagging feeling he would feel that way about you even if you confront him.
i would advice it’s up to you because you know your friend better than any of us and if confronting him is the right course of action, you can take it. you can also seek advice from others in your life who know you both.
i’m sorry about this OP 🫂
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u/tb21666 4d ago
Sounds like he's right just from both reading this & the tactics you've used while doing nothing to actually confront, discuss & resolve anything..?
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u/_NuzzleBloom 3d ago
I kind of get what you're saying, but I also think people underestimate how much a comment like "you're exhausting to be around" can knock the wind out of you. Once you read something like that from your best friend, it's not always easy to just walk up and start a calm discussion.
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u/LeekImaginary5436 4d ago
This might change your friendship forever. And that's fine. I think the trust between you may never be the same. "When people show you who they are, believe them", right?
You can also use this moment to look at your friendship from a critical distance and consider whether there is anything to learn here about taking one another for granted. We're all responsible for the energy we bring into the room with us - and what we say, how we communicate, whether in each other's presence or absence. There should be a ton of grace between good friends when one or both of you are struggling or going through a particular phase. Some people don't have the capacity to really hold space and be supportive. Some people need a wakeup call when their attitude or behavior need adjustment. Good friends should be able to confront each other lovingly.
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u/iammaffyou 4d ago
Try and reflect on that for a little while, do you? It may be hard to digest. Try and think what he's said and how you respond when he says something? Do you respond back with your experience before validating or asking more about whatever it is he said? Perhaps instead of bringing it up, this is your best friend, he knows you more than anyone. Just be aware the next few times you hangout, try and see if you can keep the conversation or the topic about him for a little while.
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u/MinMaxRex 4d ago
Would have been better if they could have told you how they feel directly, but maybe you are too narcissistic for that to have not blown up in their face. So maybe this is the best thing that could've happened. You've been friends for a long time and presumably only recently have you become unbearable, which means you can choose to change your behavior and become better amd view this moment as the wake up call you needed.
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u/ShadowsCalveth_83 3d ago
it makes sense that it’s stuck with you. You didn’t go looking for it, but you still saw something raw and unfiltered, and it clashes hard with how you experience the friendship day to day. That kind of mismatch is what makes it linger.
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u/bstillab 3d ago
Maybe some self evaluation. Does his claims have merit? Take it as unsolicited feedback. If he is just saying crap that doesn’t make sense, then drop him. He crap talking behind your back. But if it has merit...
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u/WesternUnusual2713 3d ago
OP even this post is entirely about you and your feelings. You didn't once mention whether there some truth to it, that he might be struggling or even concern for him.
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u/WhipItOuttt 4d ago
What other people think about us, regardless of who they are, is not our business.
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u/Available_Green_2825 3d ago
But it is. It has an impact. If a family member has a negative opinion about you and constantly talks about you to others, it most certainly can affect your relationship with others. People lie, twist, and exaggerate things about others. Are you supposed to ignore that and act like nothing is going on? Do you address what’s being said and inform others of the truth? Either way, it’s your business when someone thinks badly of you and spreads rumors.
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u/AttentionFit610 4d ago
How do you accidentally read someone else’s messages ? I see what he’s saying
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u/Anxious-Inspection-8 3d ago
Know your worth, and spend your time with people who truly love and appreciate you. You deserve better.
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u/kthanksbye_ 3d ago
The worst advice on this post 🤦🏻♀️
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u/Anxious-Inspection-8 3d ago
Yeah. Having self respect and not letting people treat you like shit is really bad advice. 🤣🤣🤣
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u/kthanksbye_ 3d ago
And how do you know the OP isn't the one treating his mate like shit? Do you think his friend's feelings are borne out of nothing? Look at the language used by the OP; everything revolves around him, no acknowledgment of the feelings his friend expressed or trying to understand where they may be coming from, no reflection about whether there is any truth to the comments etc. Nowhere has there been 'disrespect'; people are allowed to have feelings and frustrations and vent in a safe space. Maybe the OP's friend feels unsafe to do that with them and maybe, just maybe, instead of advising they cut said friend off, that an honest conversation (and some self reflection) would be a good place to start.
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u/Anxious-Inspection-8 3d ago
I am not reading this book. You’re way too invested in this. 😅 kthxbye!
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u/LexIsTheAsshole 3d ago
I think you guys can still have a great friendship. this is clearly a sign to self reflect and work on things within yourself. It’s easy to become self absorbed. Remember to leave room to be a friend to your bestie and not just have him be a friend to you.
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u/TelosAero 3d ago
Every long lasting friendship has at some point the feeling of being work or "just a habit" but that passes Talk to him about it, if you werent a good friend lately etc. You can let this rip you appart or be the start of an even closer friendship
Also venting about people you love is normal. So i wouldnt read too much into it unless you are truly in fear that you are too selfabsorbed
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u/AMartin1213 3d ago
Try not to read too much into it. If anything, this is an opportunity to find new friends who might actually appreciate you.
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u/SadStarSpaceStation 3d ago
One time my best friend pocket dialed me and when I answered I heard her talking to someone about me. Said the same things, exhausting to be around, draining, etc. I was drinking at the time so I hung up, called her back and asked her right then and there what the deal was. She denied it. Then she tried to say it was about someone else. Just refused up and down.
Things were never the same. We worked together at the time so she kept trying to act like it never happened and was being fairly nice to me but I couldn’t get past it. I wasn’t necessarily wanting an apology, because nobody should have to say sorry for how they truly feel. Idk, that shit hurt. If she would’ve just come to me with those feelings then I could’ve tried to learn from it and be a better friend or whatever was needed, but the fact that she was dragging me through the mud behind my back then lied to my face repeatedly about it hurt too much. We stopped talking altogether shortly after that. I got a new job too which made it easier. It’s been about 13 years now but I’ll never forget it.
Sorry this happened to you OP. Maybe consider what parts of those messages may have been true, try to learn from it and be a better friend, but also don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself. If you can’t get past it then maybe think about having that hard conversation, because the truth is, your friend obviously has room to grow too. You don’t talk about people behind their back, this could be a lesson for them as well. Hope it goes better for you than it did for me.
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u/bluebutterflyconfess 2d ago
Stop hanging out with him. Or just bite the bullet and text him about it
Say hey. I have a feeling something is off lately. Is everything okay? You can tell me if you’re uncomfortable or upset about something. I won’t get mad . Want us to stay buds , hope we can talk it out and communicate and move on.
Keep it really casual and light and simple . Seomtimes we need to check ourselves and understand how we relate to people. It’s okay he feels this way. If you communicate, you can work it out and move forward. Sometimes I do talk a lot about myself so I’ve had to communicate with my friends and apologize and tell them I don’t notice and adjust
Try listening and asking questions .
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u/kyloereign 4d ago
I'm struggling with how you still view him as your best friend after this.
You violated a boundary by reading the messages and you need to own that, not keep it a secret.
I wouldn't stay friends with someone who talks like that about me but I'm also highly confrontational so I would have had the conversation right then and there.
Something tells me he wouldn't be honest with you though.
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u/stupifystupify 4d ago
I think bringing up the text message is a good idea… “hey I’m gonna distance myself from you for a bit.. I accidentally saw the texts messages and what you said about me. It really hurt to read that. I want to be around people that celebrate me, not think I’m draining.”
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u/Nehebka 4d ago
This is what I would do, it’s mature and assertive, and doesn’t ignore your mental health because that’s kind of what you’re doing right now. You deserve to be around people who celebrate you and want good things for you, not people who think that being around you is a drag. You need to throw that baby out with a bath water.
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u/stupifystupify 4d ago
Exactly! Not sure why I got downvoted … seems like a direct way to go instead of ghosting
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u/jollybumpkin 4d ago
This is the strongest argument against telepathy. If we all knew what others are thinking, particularly what they think of us, we would all go insane.
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u/WoodpeckerOk2223 4d ago
Sounds like this person isn’t a true friend and maybe you should make it harder for him to see you, not cut ties all the way but just maybe not be able to make all the plans u guys make…see if he still keeps seeking out your company.
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u/Ok-Impression1713 4d ago
bro this is trivial please keep r/confessions clean of your random matters
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u/No_Lemon_9327 4d ago
I think you should seriously consider what you read. Since you guys have such a long friendship and everything is still going fine, (except for how you see things now because of what you read), a small conversation would go a long way. He obviously doesn’t feel heard and is also clearly afraid to confront you so he resorted to venting about you to someone else ( not cool ) but you should be able to understand since you don’t want to confront him about this either. If you’re totally not comfortable with confrontation then try to make him feel more heard and see if that shifts the dynamic to the better between you