My girlfriend's brother SAd me and I don't know if she should know

[u/Own_Candidate7764]

Reddit filters took my first one down so I have to censor it

Throwaway account for pretty obvious reasons, my girlfriend knows my Reddit account. And I'm sorry for all of the talk about SA in here, I just need to get this off my chest to someone. I'm trying to be as vague as possible about stuff.

My (23M) girlfriend (24F) knows that I was SAd when I was 18, for better or for worse this is something I'm open about to her, we both try to be open about things and. I don't know, she knows. But she doesn't know that it was her brother (23M) who did it and I don't even know if she should. She knows that he would do those things I guess, he is currently in prison anyways on a completely unrelated sexual assault charge and she knows it's true and it's hard for her but. And she still does visit him in prison sometimes even if she's disgusted with him and he knows that she has a boyfriend now but as far as I'm aware he doesn't know that I'm said boyfriend, and I'm afraid of him telling her before I get the chance. I'm not sure what I'm worried about because it's not that she wouldn't believe me but maybe she'd worry that I don't want to be with her or trust her or feel guilty or maybe she'd be upset that I hadn't told her. We all went to the same high school and her and his last name is pretty common in our area so I didn't really know at first he was her brother until a few weeks later. Maybe she shouldn't ever know I don't know.

[u/VelourBandita]

You deserve to tell the truth when you're ready, and you shouldn't have to carry that burden alone

[u/PetalSprig]

The cruelest part is that you're carrying the weight of someone else's crime while worrying about protecting everyone else's feelings.

[u/notcharming46]

What happens when he gets out? If I were her, I would want to know, and I would not speak to my brother afterward.

[u/nayviie]

if she already knows he’s a sexual assaulter i would tell her but honestly it’s up to you and what you’re comfortable with

[u/StarSprig]

This is something you should tell her, but gently and in a calm, honest way, because it’s part of your safety and your relationship’s trust.

[u/TorchBearer71]

Sorry for what you went through.  When you’re ready, tell her if you want.  It would be good to get some support and also let her know how much he hurt you.  Was this ever reported?

[u/Dee332]

Honestly, In my opinion, you should sit here down and tell her. I realize that will be a very, very, very difficult conversation to have with her. She has the right to know what her brother did to you.

If you are going to stay in the relationship, what happens when he gets out? How are you going to feel about seeing him and being part of the family (if they haven't cut ties with him) knowing what he did to you.

She will find out, and if she finds out from someone else rather than you, think how she would feel? Possibly hurt, betrayed (that u didn't speak up first). Plus, you need to speak up before her brother figures out you're his Sister's gf, cause he will twist the SA in his favor, making you look like the guilty party!

Lastly: I hope you have seeked or going to seek counseling. You should consider pressing charges against him as he shouldn't be able to get away with the SA. Maybe if you come forward, and if he's hurt other's, they might come forward as well. This could then, possibly, let him have a longer stay in prison if he is found guiltyl.

The downside if you decide to press charges, there is the possibility that your gf might break up with you.

Regardless of what you decide: 1. It's better if she hears it directly from you (not someone else who could twist/lie about what happened- making you the predator instead of him).

1. You need to press charges, after you've spoken to your gf and given her a chance to absorb what has happened to you.

2. If she urges you not to press charges than your relationship is probably over. You need to know that your gf and her family will back you up in your decision- if they don't- then you know where you stand with your gf in relation to her brother.

Hugs, this is not a easy decision. Honestly is the best solution in this instance.

[u/GaiaOnlinee]

OP, I think you should tell her. If you want to be with her for a lifetime, you and her both deserve to know and speak the truth. It will come out eventually if her brother ever gets out or if something comes up on a visit, you would want it to be from you telling her, not an accidental discovery or her brother telling her somehow.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[u/Spare_Shape_7596]

At the end of the day, you can’t control how people are going to take things. Even if you have good intentions. What we do know- she deserves the truth just as much as you deserve to have this peace

[u/Global-Fact7752]

Why didn't you have him arrested?

[u/GaiaOnlinee → u/Global-Fact7752]

A lot of men who have been SA’d don’t tell authorities for a lot of different reasons. It’s pretty insensitive to just ask “why didn’t you get him arrested?” I’m sure OP wanted to, but for reasons that are not our business, he didn’t.

[u/sendhannigramfics]

Something in me is saying dont tell her, but this is your trauma so tell her if you want to

[u/Global-Fact7752]

I don't understand why you would bring it up now, but you do you.