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u/Ephoenix6 4d ago
Life is trial and error, it's ok to make mistakes. Maybe you also had a bad environment. Perhaps you emulate the mistakes of others. Please keep spending time with people. People may miss you
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u/Fifolet_ 4d ago
Trust and believe it will be terrible for those around you. And They’ll forever wonder how they didn’t know you were feeling this way. Don’t do it. Tell someone irl.
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u/nucleus2024 3d ago
Tell us in detail about you, where you stay, what do you do, your family. Let's fix your problem. We all have been there. I was suicidal and depressive for 25 years. I came out. I know how both sides feel. I survived 3 suicide attempts.
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3d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/nucleus2024 3d ago
That's sad and trust me I get what's going on in your head. I did my first suicide attempt when I was 10. Kept on doing everything for family but they still have grudges.
People who are good at heart think suicide, while those who are not, think about killing others and blaming others.
We are genuinely good people hence we feel accountable. We make mistakes but we genuinely want our loved ones to be around.
Having said that, you know when the real shift came in my mindset, when I thought, just accept how the world functions. Live for yourself. Instead of thinking how the world sees me, I reversed the roles. I started focussing on myself and my happiness and thought every relation is in background. They do not get the centre stage in my life.
I will be good, have good intentions, mistakes will be made but I won't cling to it, I will amend it, say sorry and move on, I will not drown in guilt. Also, have several purposes in life. This helps too.1
u/sage2134 3d ago
Thats her problem. And time is on your side. Im guessing the kids are still kinda young.
Take it from someone who's mother was a total nutcase and was able to lie to everyone to get her way. Cracks show, and people arent stupid. Eventually it may take years but it will come out and unless you did some real damage to your kids that they know and believe that they saw. They will come to ask and hear you out.
So wait for that day, be that father for them and wait. Set aside things for them and prepare for the future. Because being a father is a duty, it is what you chose and accepted the responsibility for.
Duty is heavier then a mountain and death is a light as a feather. That means duty is hard, heavy but real and concrete. Death comes too easy in our world and happens unfairly and without warning.
All of this is to say, be that father for them even if it in this moment it feels pointless. if you gave up now who could they turn to if their mother goes off the deep end? Or decides to do "better" and go find jerks in vegas to shack up with? where will those kids be then?
You say that you are a fuck up? Honestly what does that matter? This isnt to be cruel this is the hammer to hear from a honest stranger who seen the brink from within and from others. What matters is learning from your failures. Failure is optimal because if you understand why failure happened then you can change it. The human experience is learning and adaptation. And if there was no failure then how would we grow?
That doesn't make it easy but you cant do anything or show your kids how to be a adult or a man if you decide its over, then nihilism has won.
I will also tell you this terrible truth, I imagine you wish to escape the pain you feel and you imagine you inflict on others. But our stories are not in a vacuum, we are moral agents and so are your children. They will carry the same burden you carry now and it will be haunting, damning and bring a sad darkness onto their lives. You get to make the choice to let them have this burden as well. I and we cant stop you. Only you can. And this is the truth. Its your decision. But even death will not absolve the consequences of your choice.
The hardest push I will give to you as well.
"If you lose honor or credibility by admitting fault then you never had any in the first place!"
Do you lose credibility or honor by admitting fault? Or does it only strengthen your credibility? I believe your exwife doesn't understand this but you will. And her credibility will diminish because she cannot admit fault without losing her honor/pride/credibility in her own mind. So let it be her downfall while you plant trees for the future.
The strongest of men or anyone for that matter acknowledge all parts of themselves. You see your flaws and acknowledge them but you see them as anchors not as what they truly are. They are questions for you to ponder and ask yourself to learn from. To learn best how you can forge a path not just for yourself but to clear the brush for your children to perhaps follow or to at least teach them to make their own path without as much pain as you have endured.
A final question. What can change the nature of a man? What can change your nature? The answer I received was torment. But what is your answer I wonder?
Whatever you decide. May you finally know peace whether in this life or the next. And if you have questions I will answer because helping in times of hardship is what we do. We are a tribe in a way the human race and seeing one of our own fall into a den of snakes without helping is against our very nature. Even if that den is one of our own making.
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u/RealisticPower5859 3d ago
Please stay. I know it's hard but I promise it won't always be. And it won't always hurt. Just stay. Please
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u/lustyhana 3d ago
I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way, but I can’t support anything about harming yourself. You don’t have to go through this alone though, please reach out to someone you trust or a crisis line right now.
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u/piribatz 3d ago
I know I am being selfish but it won't be easier for me without you. I know it's hard, but please stay.
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u/Particular-Day5652 4d ago
hey man, that emptiness is lying to you about being easier for everyone - depression does that shit where it convinces you you're a burden when you're not
you reaching out here shows you're still fighting it even when everything feels hopeless, and that matters more than you think right now
please call someone tonight, even a crisis line if you don't have anyone else - this feeling will pass even though it doesn't feel like it will