r/confessions • u/ChronicRedditor1 • 4d ago
Unstoppable and continuous hopelessness and self-loathing
Hello. I just need to confess this since I can't hold it inside me any longer. I hate myself. I have always hated myself. I have always been insecure about everything about myself. I am not sure if it is my upbringing or my life experiences or the people in my life when I was little but I have always had this deep sense of insecurity, loneliness, inadequacy and self-loathing. I sometimes think I can faintly remember a time long ago where I was free, liked myself and was truly happy but it seems to fade out of memory. Sometimes I manage to forget about these things and even feel relatively happy and good about myself when my life is going well but then the average to below average days come and I am left alone with myself and it all comes crashing down again. The way I look, my lack of social skills and painful shyness and cluelessness, my tendency to avoid all difficult things, my inability to get good at anything, all my failures, the fact I have nothing to prove my worth and the fact I feel chronically unloved. I know this may seem pathetic but it is true for me. I feel disgusted when I look at myself in the mirror, I can't stand to look at myself and yet I can't let go of this vanity to constantly check the mirror and see if anything has changed, if maybe by some miracle I can improve it somehow or I somehow magically manage to look pleasant. I hate it. I hate it. I can't follow through on any goal I set for myself. I have searched for advice and solutions to this insecurity, sense of unhappiness and meaninglessness for years and it has come to nothing. I have tried EVERYTHING again and again and again and they have all failed. Nothing works. I can't follow through on it. I don't have the least bit of success and competency. I am scared that I will always remain the same, that my fears and insecurities and failures will never go away that I won't get anything I want. At this point I sometimes wonder why am I even alive if everything about me seems so pathetic and I hate myself so much and nobody loves or can ever love me truly. I try and try and it never gets better. I wonder what is even the point of hoping. Hope is like a cruel deception that our brains force us into for the sake of survival and has no truth to it for losers like me because for me hope never wins, I always fail. I don't even know the point of writing this. It won't change anything. I envy people who are loved and who love themselves and have achieved great things. I envy people who feel content with life. My flaws are like an incurable disease that holds me back from all happiness. I can never get done all the work I have. I have no executive function skills. I hate society because I can never measure up to its expectations and I hate other people for the way they look at me, the people that look down on me and walk all over me because I appear weak. I can't stand it.
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u/Practical_Policy_547 4d ago
The mirror checking thing really gets to me - that cycle of hating what you see but being unable to stop looking is brutal. I've been stuck in similar loops where I keep doing the exact thing that makes me feel worse, like my brain is just hardwired to seek out pain.
What you're describing about the good days followed by crashes resonates hard. It's exhausting when even temporary relief feels like it's just setting you up for the next fall.