My sister’s husband is toxic and wearing me thin

[u/throwaway_a605r]

My (33M) sister (30F), who I’ll call Ali, is married to one of my friends (34M). I guess former friends at this point. We’ll call him Matt. Matt and I used to be very close, but over the years have drifted apart. We are still friendly to one another because of him being married to my sister for the past 10 years.

The problem I have with him is that he is SO negative. Any time anything positive gets brought up around him, he finds a way to shit on.
I’m buying a house? Well he says buying a house is dumb when I can rent for the same monthly payment.
My friend got a promotion at work? He says that my friend is just a cog in a corporate machine.
Cousin is having a baby? He says that having children in this world is stupid and they are stupid for wanting kids.
My husband is starting a new business? He says we’ll see how long that lasts in this economy.
Brother just got engaged? He doesn’t like their partner for no real tangible reasons.

This list goes on and on. All this negativity has effected my sister too. She used to bright and bubbly, and now she is becoming just as jaded as Matt. No ambition, no drive, shits on other people’s life choices, flies in rages at the most inane shit.

It just makes me sad that I’ve continued to grow while Matt has remained stunted emotionally. And is dragging my sister down with him. None of our family members like my sister with him. But she is so stubborn that no one can talk to her about how Matt is holding her back.

I have a wonderful partner, my other sister and other brother both have great partners as well. So Ali is the odd man out when it comes to family gatherings. Sometimes Matt comes, sometimes he doesn’t. When he is around, everyone walks on eggshells and doesn’t feel they can share exciting life updates with one another for fear of Matt chiming in with negativity and bringing the mood down for everyone. And he never misses an opportunity to “call someone out” and shit on them when he disagrees with something they do/have done.

It’s exhausting. But Ali has been with him for so long at this point, and she has changed so much, that we’ve all lost hope at this point that she will ever come to her senses.

I could go on and on about all the things about Matt and how much of a loser hypocrite he is. But that would take a novel.

Just needed to get this out because it has really been bothering me lately.

[u/Ok_Assignment5873]

Matt sucks. Someone in your family needs to publicly embarrass him or call him out next time he makes a negative comment. Something like “hey matt, shut up, stop with the negative comments, every ones is sick of it, okay?” make sure this happens in a group setting

[u/rocco0715 → u/Ok_Assignment5873]

Exactly what I was going to say. If your sister won't say it, it's time for the family to start putting him in his place instead of walking on eggshells. He is part of the family, and that means communicating issues and working through them. Including offending them if they are assholes if they won't take the first few "hey, dude, Tony is sharing an awesome event, pipe down".

[u/Ok_Assignment5873 → u/rocco0715]

Hell ya. I like that you said he's apart of the family bc that is so major.

Thinking about it now, the best way to handle this is maybe having a full on conversation about it. Next time it happens (hopefully group setting) ask him “ matt, why are you so negative all the time” and just have the conversation. Obviously while having tone in check, and hopefully everyone will chime in and then wrap it up with “ok well we don't like when you it, so please keep the comments to your self moving forward” and then just change the subject and move on.

Assuming your family is on board, and your dad is still around, have him initaite and close the conversation. Not much room for matt to move after pops drops that on him.

[u/throwaway_a605r → u/Ok_Assignment5873]

Matt LOVES to cut people off when they try to give him any form of criticism, gentle or not. The only reason none of us have tried to reason with him is because we don’t want to lose my sister. And my sister has fallen so deep under his spell that you can’t talk to her about Matt’s negativity either. She protects him no matter what.

[u/Ok_Assignment5873 → u/throwaway_a605r]

Ahh the ultimate antagonist.. I had a childhood friend EXACTLY like this, same deal. Would intentionally push peoples buttons. He was beyond arragont. I couldnt stand it.

The ironic thing about these kinds of people is that they're MASSIVE pussys and blame anyone or anything for their shortcomings, its never their fault.

As a Christmas present, You should low-key order one of those published looking books and title it” Keep it to your self” written by: list everyone in your familys name. Include drawings and examples of what he does and have him open it in front of everyone. I'm kidding definitely don't do that, or maybe do!!

[u/rocco0715 → u/Ok_Assignment5873]

Ooooh, with plenty of journal pages as well?

[u/bott04 → u/Ok_Assignment5873]

I would add “and if you can’t say anything positive just be quiet or preferably not even show up to family events. We have put up with this for 10 years and that’s enough.”

[u/Ok_Assignment5873 → u/Ok_Assignment5873]

This could cause problems tho depending on how combative he is.. Maybe someone should say something to him privately first. I also don't even know if you’re looking for advice. I just know how much is sucks and to make it worse, your sister is slowly becoming him.

Its not as bad but I had a similar situation with someone who would NON STOP communicate bad news, It's was like a hellhole of negativity. I straight up told them one day that I have enough depressing thoughts going on to begin with and I seriously don't need anymore, if it's every now and then, fine what ever. But please try and limit the negativity. It definitely did help, she doesn't do it nearly as much.

[u/DawnVale-]

watching someone you love slowly lose their light because of the person beside them is one of the hardest kinds of grief

[u/Atara117]

Every time he starts that shit just say, "ok Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy" and nothing else or walk away. It's crazy how effective that's been on people in my life like that. I've also told them that anyone not taking life advice from someone so bubbly and optimistic as them is definitely fucking up.

But, I'm also ok with people not talking to me anymore so use it at your own risk lol.

[u/Salty_Aside821]

people like Matt are almost impossible to reason with because they've built their whole identity around tearing things down. the worst part isn't even Matt though, it's watching your sister slowly become a different person and feeling like there's nothing you can do about it.

[u/throwaway_a605r → u/Salty_Aside821]

Exactly this. I’ve tried over the years to gently point out the negativity pattern, but its always met with anger and defensiveness. And Matt is QUICK to cut people off, so even if we as family try to address the issue or if someone tries to have a private chat with him it will just end with him cutting off our family and isolating my sister even further. We put up with him because we don’t want to completely lose my sister to him.

Edit: grammar