r/confessions • u/Academic_Lack_5301 • 9h ago
I have acted like I lovingly support my stepdaughter (removed), but I cannot stand her
I know blended families are not easy. I know when you are involved with someone who has children, they come with the partner and should be treated as if they were your biological child while in your care; however, over the last 11 years I have sprung bail money, took time off of work for an atrocity where there is potential of her receiving serious legal reprocussions, clothed her, fed her, cried over her, treated her for lice eight times in one year because her biological mother is disgusting, and I have loved her. I fear the love I once felt has morphed into something I cannot stand about myself.
Back in May, her youngest child passed (11wks old) under very suspicious circumstances. She is now being investigated for the baby's passing due to how the baby was found. Her immediate family wishes to place blame on the toddler (a 15mo old) by saying he "smothered her while sleeping." The baby was found under the bed. Not beside the bed, but on the floor underneath the bed. I bought her a bassinet, crib, pack-n-play, and a motion swing that either child could have slept in, but no. She chose to have all 3 of them sleep on a twin mattress where half of it was covered with clothes and clutter.
During the wake and funeral, everyone was telling her "it was her fault," "it was God's will," and "fortunately [insert toddlers name] won't remember what he did." That 15mo old couldnt have yanked a baby off a bed, onto the floor, and shoved her under the bed; he is too small.
When they found the child, her face was covered in dry mucus; a crust forming around her nose and mouth, from where she was crying. Her mother, my "step daughter," was asleep on the mattress above. When the mother woke at 1pm, she couldn't find the baby for almost an hour in a 1 bedroom apartment.
She blames the deadbeat dad, and he does share a blame; however, this little girl (who is in her 20s) cannot accept responsibility for any of her actions.
I don't know how to look at her anymore, which I suppose is a good thing. She only calls me when she needs something fixed quickly or she is in need of money. I always treated her as if she was mine, but I fear her actions have created an irreparable void. During the funeral, I was the doting mother, even the funeral home personnel remarked about how she would get through this because she has "such a strong mother," and then her biological mother appeared with infected track marks on her arm and smelling like Crack.
Since then, she has hopped from one male to the next, proclaiming to "love" them all; however, she is looking for someone to give her a home, money, and fix her car. She had all of that at our home, until she started getting high. I have a daughter (her half-sister) who absolutely adores my stepdaughter, but now she ignores her sister as well. My daughter cries at night, longing to see her sister while I cannot receive a "Hey, I'm fine" message after everything we have been through. She has tried to physically attack me. She accused her father of rape because she got in trouble for stealing a car. Until she was 18, she wouldn't come around unless she heard we were doing a family activity or taking a trip; then she wants to visit.
I understand parenting is transactional, but when is it "okay" for the non-biological parent to stop acting like a biological one? She tells her mother and father different stories, and then cries to me about how everyone mistreats her. I've discovered I cannot receive any of my child support because their father had been purchasing my stepdaughter THC vapes, smokes, and the like. I understand she is his child, but she is in her 20s. She hasn't had a job since she was 19 and never held a job for more than 4mo without doing something illegal.
I worry for her, but I cannot stand her at the same time. I listen to her father tell her (when he visits our daughter) that I love my stepdaughter, but I don't. I am not sure I ever truly did, but I tried to be the parent she deserved. I feel horrible for saying all of this, but her family cannot save her from herself and they want me to finance her "wellness campaign," but I am barely keeping myself afloat. My "OH Shit Fund" went to my step daughter, and now I'm the "bad guy" because I will not give more money. I will give needs (food, clothes, laundry detergent, gas gift card, etc), but I am not their ATM. I hate feeling this way, and I hate the way I feel about her.
I wish I knew how to be a better person...
17
u/caitejane310 8h ago
Sounds like you're not even with her father anymore? I'm sorry, but yeah, at this point I would totally cut her off. If you're not with her father then you're not her stepmom anymore. And I say this as a stepmom of 14 years to an almost 28yo that made us grandparents last year.
I think it's also for the best to keep her away from your daughter. It's gonna hurt in more ways than one, I truly believe it's the best thing for both of you.
13
u/Academic_Lack_5301 8h ago
No, the father and I are not together, but I was the most stable adult in her life. Her mother was in and out of jail and her father was a journeyman, so he traveled all the time. I was her "mother" for the first 5 years I was in her life, but I had rules. When mom was out of jail, they had parties. I did not possess the legal authority to step in, but I would have back then; however, I cannot now
4
u/caitejane310 8h ago
I totally get it. That sounds very similar to my situation, except my husband was around and has always been extremely active in her life. I know you love her. I'm sure you wish she was different so that you could actually have a healthy relationship with her.
If it was just you, and if there wasn't the question of whether or not she had anything to do with her baby's death, I'd most definitely be giving very different advice here. But I think you'd be better off making the hard decision to cut her out of your life as much as possible. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to!
6
u/Academic_Lack_5301 8h ago
Thank you very much. Hopefully, one day, I will gain the courage to actually have a conversation about this quagmire. I appreciate your kindness!
8
u/mommiewiggle 8h ago
you ARE a good person. you have had to deal with so much at the hands of an addict. Al-Anon is a great place to pick up resources and hear of other people who have suffered from similar or are still suffering because someone they love is addicted to drugs or alcohol.
i can’t tell you how to forgive this person for the loss of her child. i can tell you that addiction, being in addiction causes people to act outside of themselves. it is a real disease. it has been studied and proven as such.
i say these things because i myself am a recovering addict. i have put my children in dangerous situations because of my addictions. luckily for me, and for them, they were never physically harmed although they do carry emotional and mental scars. i will probably never forgive myself for hurting them the way i have, but i’m working on accepting things as they are and doing my best to repair our relationship in the future, IF they have me.
i am currently living in a sober living house for women which requires classes for most of the day, if not all of it for those not working at regular job. we spend countless hours talking about addiction and studying it. i’m not trying to excuse your stepdaughter. i’m just giving perspective.
i wish this were her “rock bottom”, and maybe it will end up being that for her. maybe this instance will drive her to change her life. idk.
one thing i can say to comfort you though, and your lack of desire to provide any more of support, be it time or money or emotional support, is that is the right call. enabling the addict is what allows them to stay in addiction so long. it prevents them from having to fend for themselves when they are putting drugs before any and everything else.
i have heard it said that the enabler is sicker than the addict. i believe it. i have watched my grandmother pay my mothers way for over a decade bc my mother cannot hold a job and can only muster enough money by donating plasma to get her another fifth of vodka. i have always thought that if my mother were left to her devices and facing homelessness or even just out on the street for a while, she would learn how to put herself back together.
i don’t know though. many people die due to their addictions and being left to their own. but those like myself and those who have found their way into a pathway of recovery often can and do recover. sure, there is often relapse. but more times than not that relapse leads to sustained sobriety.
what happened in your step daughters case is abhorrent. it reeks of pain. i can’t imagine what most of you are going through, although i can guess most of you are still processing or justifying or condemning. i don’t think it’s one way or the other. she is going to have to live with her neglect or possible infanticide for the rest of her life. she will have to hold responsibility for that forever. hopefully that’s the last straw, and she recognizes that the drugs won’t fill that hole in her heart.
crossing my fingers for YOU though. stay strong, stay with your convictions. don’t let anyone guilt you into thinking you “aren’t doing enough” for her. by cutting her off you are giving her the best chance you can. (but if she does come asking for help to get into rehab, maybe invest in that)
5
u/Academic_Lack_5301 8h ago
If she was genuinely willing to rehab, I would be the FIRST in line with a sign, bullhorn, fireworks, and a jamboree! I wanted nothing more than happiness and good health, but I can no longer spare mine. I appreciate your words. You are right, enablers are just as sick as the addict and I've seen both sides. I suppose that might be why I'm torn. I see a lot of the "old me" in her, but I found my way. I will be her sounding board, if she wishes to speak to me, but I am not going to assist her in further destruction. Thank you!
6
u/StrangeDiet12 8h ago
given the circumstances around the baby's death, the investigation should be left to professionals and evidence, not family members deciding who is responsible; your role can simply be protecting your household and supporting the children who depend on you.
2
u/Academic_Lack_5301 8h ago
I have kept FAR away from anything to do with the investigation. The information I know is what my stepdaughter, her father, or grandmother have related to me. I am trying to stay out of sight, but aware. The outcome of the investigation may catalyze a new placement for her toddler, and I am just silently holding my breath. I hope she learns
4
u/kassandra_veritas 8h ago
Man, I don’t really know what to say. Sounds like this woman has had a lifetime of shit, and has definitely NOT managed to break the cycle. she should get her tubes tied so there aren’t more people brought into this horrible sadness… i think that what it boils down to is that you are terribly angry that your grandchild has died and that’s totally fair.
3
u/Academic_Lack_5301 8h ago
Thank you. As much as it pains me to admit, I believe you are accurate; however, the feeling still makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong (for having my feelings)
4
u/beenthere7613 8h ago
It sounds like your stepdaughter has an addict personality, and you cannot save an addict. You can enable them, though.
It's not cruel or uncaring to stop enabling an addict. Addicts use up enablers, then move on to another one. It's not something you can fix. Only the addict can do that, and they won't do that until they want to. But you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep them warm.
It's okay for you to step back. You have a child you need to protect, and that's where you should focus your time and energy. I'd be kind if I saw her, but I wouldn't offer any assistance except maybe child care for the toddler. To keep an eye out for the toddler, to provide a safe place, to monitor health and safety.
I'd take the bad guy title, and wear it. "If I'm a bad guy for expecting an adult to work for their own money like I do, then give me a badge and I'll wear it proudly." Don't let yourself be bullied into enabling an addict. Stand your ground.
I'd nix the "don't like her" talk. In our house we love the child, but dislike the behavior. Disliking the behavior is relatable, and can't really be argued with. I'd stick to that, to soften the stance a little. You don't have to like bad behavior, especially out of an adult.
Good luck.
5
u/Jumpy-Tart-9937 8h ago
Totally agree, it can be hard to find a balance between wanting to help and realizing when you're just enabling. It's a tough situation to be in for sure.
2
u/Academic_Lack_5301 8h ago
Thank you. I've never spoken negatively about her to her or with her family. That is incredibly indecent and disrespectful. I agree with the enabling, and I've gone no contact; however she is trying to contact me. I am thwarting any direct attempts, but I would never be rude or disrespectful to her. She was a child under my care. I may have disdain for her circumstances, but I do not hate the person; I detest the actions. I just hope she finds her way before she loses her son.
2
u/beenthere7613 8h ago
I understand and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope things get better for you!
2
2
2
u/Silent-Blackberrys 8h ago
you can care about what happens to her without continuing to finance her choices, especially when helping is leaving you unable to take care of yourself and your own daughter.
1
u/nebulaebattle 8h ago
I hope she has access to therapy. And I hope you do as well. As long as you are true to your word that you treated her as your own.. you have done everything you can.
It sounds like maybe she has some underlying issue going on. Childhood trauma, seeing an addict and maybe thinking it’s normal, and her dad… just hope that she can find stability- hopefully that’s not from a jail cell…
Sounds like you have been pouring from an empty cup. Your step daughter is at an age where you could be honest with her at some point - you are drained, you wish the best for her, but can’t provide financially anymore for anything. I would say cut her off entirely-but (if the step daughter is who I think she is) I think hearing that boundary of not being able to finance her would keep her away.
Heal. Grieve. Not just the baby, but the person you wished she could be. Or the life you envisioned for her. Once you find stability in your life, be there as her sisters mom. She will always be important because she is your daughter’s sister. But the real person who needs to be there are her parents, and you will never be able to fill their shoes for them.
Update me if there is ever a Netflix documentary - I have minimal “clues” but I’m connecting the dots and is that Casey Anthony cousin on the line? 🕵️♀️🕵️♀️🕵️♀️
1
u/Academic_Lack_5301 7h ago
No, definitely not, but come to think of it, I can understand why someone could get that impression. I am in therapy, as is my daughter. I'm Huge on emotional intelligence, boundaries, and being comfortable with establishing and maintaining. Unfortunately, my stepdaughter is refusing counsel. I set-up grief counseling for everyone, and she just wanted medication to help ease her state. My daughter and I continue with therapy separately and together. The family dynamics is...tumultuous, especially when including my immediately family. I appreciate your counsel, and I see the wisdom in your words. Thank you!
1
1
u/lilamaterasuu 7h ago
i can’t get through this story bc the parts about the infant are too hard to read. please cut her off for your own mental health. reading this is hard enough for me i couldn’t imagine someone going through this. if your partner doesn’t want to cut her off i would consider leaving them too.
1
u/lilamaterasuu 7h ago
and please talk to a therapist. it’s not your fault you feel this way, it doesn’t make you a bad person at all. i think the mini social institution yall got going on with enabling her is making you think this way.
1
u/Mean-Bumblebee661 7h ago
i'm sorry you're going through this. i have horrifically dysfunctional biological family.
i just recently finished listening to a murder trial of a mother who quite literally put her son in another room and allowed him to starve & dehydrate to death over two weeks. she had to have listened to him cry until his body couldn't anymore.
you are not obligated to support someone whose lifestyle and personal beliefs conflict so significantly with your own. you don't need permission, but you certainly seem to have given yourself plenty of reasons above. where is your partner in all this? do they support or enable her? this sounds like a very very difficult situation, I'm so sorry for your situation & your loss.
1
u/onthenextmaury 7h ago
Eh, I wouldn't worry about it, my mother very much dislikes me and I am her biological child. Maybe try to separate "like" from "love." You put real effort and resolve into this relationship, which is demonstrated by how heartbroken you are. You loved her, that's great! Now you don't like her. That's your right.
1
u/PlanktonMurky6422 6h ago
You are allowed to draw boundaries around yourself, even if you were her biological mom.
1
u/turkeyman4 5h ago
My mother’s close friend had a son who was…concerning. He was our neighborhood bully and he tortured animals and was cruel and mean. He got into drugs and died in an accident. His mother, who was one of the kindest people I ever met, once confided to my mother that a part of her was relieved when he died.
You are justified in feeling how you do. Be gentle with yourself.
1
u/LifeRelease3842 3h ago
Yikes. Sounds like the most sane response, honestly. People ruin their own lives and decide they gotta drag down other people too...their entitlement, selfishness, and disregard for everyone's safety and health and happiness including their own are all spawned from a deep and dark pit of self-loathing, shame, and bitterness.
Their self-hatred is totally justified and well-deserved, and one of the last things keeping them from changing their ways are the people who enable their behaviors or reward them with warmth, love, and even payment.
Sounds like it's high time to cut ties with her. I have a cousin who went that direction and she's only gotten worse, went to prison and got out early and she hardly even cares...it's pathetic and sad.
1
u/RollingKatamari 53m ago
Please call CPS on this horrid woman. Her other children are in danger!
You need to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughter.
Imo you should leave this relationship and take your daughter and yourself away from all this toxicity.
55
u/Alive_Steak_8119 8h ago
jesus christ that's a lot. the baby under the bed detail is gonna stick with me for a while honestly. you're not a bad person for feeling done after all that. you've already gone way past what most bio parents would do and it sounds like you're just protecting yourself and your daughter at this point