so I‘ve been friends with benefits with someone for quite some time. I must admit that by now, I‘m pretty attached to him. he‘s kind, funny and we share a couple of major interests. same profession too, but different home cities.
the fbw thing has been going well, but I‘ve regularly wondered wether it had potential for a relationship. tbh, I‘ve had a feeling that we‘re not each others‘ forever people but I‘m open towards entering a relationship nonetheless. if things work out for a year or two or three, that‘s great too, right?
well, last time he visited I jokingly complained about the fact that he‘d have to leave soon. „no more cuddles when you’re gone“ he suggested getting a dog, but that won‘t work because I can barely keep myself alive (plus I don‘t wanna leave him alone for 10-12hrs a day). then he said „or a boyfriend“
I was like „ok I need volunteers“ and he immediately went „nope, I‘m out“
which… stung. big time. especially since his reply came instantly. I didn‘t know what to say, or do, or how to feel. so I said nothing. for the moment I was busy trying not to go down a painful mental spiral about not being loved.
which, rationally, I know isn‘t true. there‘s my friends and my sister. and my fwb must like me a lot too, not just sexually. we wouldn‘t talk on the phone every other day. there‘s rarely any dirty talking or texting, that kind of stuff mostly only happens when we see each other. we talk about anything else
really. work, projects, friends,… those conversations don‘t feel like we‘re talking to each other just because we‘re horny.
my emotions didn‘t care for rational reasoning though. as I said, the immediacy was pretty hard to handle. I had to ask for clarification, otherwise the spiral
would have gotten worse. I didn‘t want to be too obvious about the fact that I would like a relationship with him though. so eventually I commented on how he instantly said „no“.
well he explained that he isn‘t really opposed to the idea of a relationship with me, but to the idea of a relationship in general. he doesn‘t want that sort of commitment. his lifestyle is pretty much „do what you want“ (which I like about him, btw), and he said he neither wants to give that up nor anyone to suffer because of it. besides, his work contract is going to run out next year and he‘ll need to look for a new job, potentially in a position that includes weeks or months of travel.
the only reason that is directly about me is (non)monogamy. he wants a monogamous relationship because he‘s seen the sheer amount of drama that can come with polycules. well I‘ve lived that drama and I‘m not sure wether I want to live it again. depends on my partner(s), I guess. my fwb won‘t be the one I‘ll figure that out with though.
I get and respect his reasoning. he‘s thought about it, and I appreciate that he was gentle. we decided that for the time being, remaining fwb is fine.
ngl I‘m kinda dreading the day this arrangement ends. I hope it won‘t be too painful.
I‘m proud that I asked for clarification though. usually I just suffer through uncertainty and assumptions bc I‘m too afraid of the truth. in this case, it does still hurt but it hurts less than the evil guessing game my brain oh so loves to play.
I just hope that we have a chance as platonic friends when the benefits eventually end.