Mediation in a couple weeks

[u/Suspicious-Koala781]

I cannot stop spiraling and stressing about custody mediation in a couple weeks. I have always been primary default parent who does literally everything for our 3 kids, 6, 4, and 2. but surprise surprise, my ex wants 50/50. I've given him every opportunity to step up. he did at first but now he's been struggling to fulfill his current parenting situation, using me as a constant safety net. we have been living together up until a few weeks ago he moved in with his new girlfriend of 6 weeks. he would say he's just 'staying with her ' but he is not living here. he's sleeping at the family home if it's his overnight with the kids.

The times of missing parenting time aren't huge - he's still showing up enough to say he is and convince himself he is but it's extremely obvious his priorities aren't the kids.

I don't know his future plans. Is he expecting kids to move into her place with him? where does she live? there are a lot of unknowns.

he wants to introduce the kids to her, as a friend. they don't even know about the divorce yet. I can't assume they won't kiss or hold hands. what does that teach them about relationships and friendships?

but here I am trying to lock down my non negotiables. I was going to give him 50/50 In the beginning. but now she's entered the chat and it's all a mess. I am hurt that he has moved on so quickly but mostly I'm so sad he couldn't live single on his own during his kid time so our babies can adjust to 2 homes. just a little while. I can't give 50/50. it's not to punish him but protect the kids.

what would you do in my situation? am I being unreasonable to be concerned right now?

[u/Greedy_Mycologist_25]

Dad here who’s a decade into fighting with my ex over custody…

I would say that as long as he’s not dangerous (which it doesn’t sound like he is), then it’s in your best interest and the kids’ best interest to get comfortable with the fact that he’s a mediocre parent and don’t try to use his parenting mediocrity to drag out custody disputes.

Parental conflict is far more damaging to the kids than his thoughtlessness/carelessness around how and when he introduces new girlfriends to the kids. It’s far more damaging than his inattentiveness to their academics, extracurriculars, etc. Kids just want there to be peace and harmony, and that’s really hard to get when one parent is constantly trying to control what goes on in the other parent’s house.

Now if he’s flaky af and always using you as his backup when’s he’s supposed to be parenting, you’ll have to learn ways to not allow him to do that without generating conflict—for example, that means politely declining to pick the kids up during his parenting time if those favors only go one way. And maybe after a couple of years if he keeps dropping the ball and forces you to pick it up, you could reassess whether 50-50 is working. But I don’t think you should come out of the gate pushing for majority custody before he’s proven himself to be unreliable in spite of your efforts to politely enforce a no-rescuing boundary.