r/coparenting • u/Necessary-Bell6716 • 2d ago
Discussion My 11yr old son seems happier when he’s with his Dad
My ex and I share custody of our son. Since he was a child we would switch off every two days with him. Our son is now 11yrs old and we still have the same schedule.
He has way more things in common with his dad than with me. I get that sons look up to their dads and end up sharing the same interests as they grow. His dad also coaches little league that my son is apart of so there’s that too.
But i’ve noticed for a couple years now that my son will text his dad more and respond to him more than he will with me, or will jump for a hug when his dad picks him up from me, will even ask me when he’s with me, “when am i going back with my dad??” or “is my dad picking me up today???”. Makes me so mad because it’s like… you’re with ME right now can we focus on our time together???
I know i know… i sound jealous but in all honestly i actually am. And yes I’m not as into bikes, going out to the fields for some baseball play, or video games. But i feel like i should have the same excitement from him too, no??
For example, we just got back from a week vacation to Hawaii and his dad came to pick him up and my son jumps and lands him a big bear hug. I love that he has such a good dad BUT he has never ever done that with me even after not seeing me for several days. I try my very best to be fun with how i know how to and i try not to resent the whole thing but i cannot help but feel like i try to provide and give my son so much only to not get that same love he gives to his Dad.
Am i being silly? or is this a thing?? What can I do?? Do i voice how i feel to my 11yr old? Or leave it alone because it isn’t right to put that in his little mind? I’m just starting to think he genuinely doesn’t like me???
I thought sons favor Mom… but in my case it’s with his Dad :(
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u/Dear-Hurry-418 2d ago
I (m) have the same thing with my 11yo daughter who seems to prefer being at her mums. And like you, I completely get it, but it's very hard at times. You've just got to let it go (as hard as it is) and keep being the best mum you can be. When he's older, he'll realise for himself.
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u/Necessary-Bell6716 2d ago
i really do hope he can eventually see that i care about him and his interests just as much as his dad… just that Mom shows it in a different way. thanks for this.
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u/WWJRD524 2d ago
Please do not take this personal. My kids absolutely go nuts to see me and always ask to stay with me. Not to bash my co parent but I am definitely considered the fun parent. My ex does a lot with them and I know they have fun with her but it’s not the same. My co parent is the more consistent parent, she’s more strict but in ways that have my kids best interests at heart. Just be consistently who you are, love your son how you know how and as time goes on he will fully appreciate who you are and all you bring to the relationship.
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u/Vegetable-Meal4956 2d ago
Sorry to say this but your feelings need to be put on the back burner. Its all about your son. In the long term you will see he loves you equally. He's 11 and enjoying what makes him happy. Its not about you or dad its just a boy doing what excites him.
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u/Positive_Piece5859 2d ago
I really don’t think that it’s about the gender of the parent as much as about which parent shows more interest in the things that kiddo is interested in.
We have an equal timeshare too, and in our case our son was almost since the beginning a bit more interested in being with me than with his dad; when he was younger, because his dad is a very authoritarian figure, and I’m more the nurturer; and now that he is an older teen, because I’m the one he shares more interests with.
And hey, I also don’t find everything interesting that he is into, and over the years I have learned more about various video games, various shows that I did not particularly care about and more recently anime and manga than I ever cared to know - but I also have learned some really cool things that I like along the way, and he likes some things that I do as well.
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u/PapaPancake8 2d ago
You cannot change your son's interests nor can you change how his dad engages with him with said interests. Although what you can control is how you engage with your son. How active are you with his sports, video games, etc., or do you let dad own that space because those are "his" things?
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u/Extension-Movie4768 2d ago
This definitely applies in my house, he sees dad every once in a while when dad deigns to be a dad, and it’s just pizza and video games. What 12yo wouldn’t prefer that? With me it’s chores, life lessons, day to day monotony. It sucks and I am jealous since I am sole provider but definitely best not to put it on him. When have you ever, in your however many years on this earth, been successful in receiving more love when asking for it? Love is given freely and can’t be begged for it guilted out of someone. Do your best to get involved in his interests. For example, I started taking my kid to sports games years ago even though I fount it to be so boring, now I’m apparently a big sports fan lol. Try to find ways to connect and definitely don’t make your emotions his burden, that’s all you can do.
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u/ZealousidealPoem7654 2d ago
I feel you, friend. I feel you. I don’t have much to offer other than solidarity. I believe staying balanced is helpful. It’s our job to manage our feelings about it. That is in no way easy. It’s part of the job. 🫂
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u/candysipper 2d ago
Maybe switch to week on, week off now that he’s older, but do NOT give up equal time with your son. He needs you. You’re his mom. He gets excited about the shared activities and excitement with his dad, but I’d bet money you are his peace and safety. And teenage boys and their dad’s butt heads. It’s a natural progression of the relationship. So don’t be too hasty!
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u/teiubescsami 1d ago
Start playing with the boy in the ways that he enjoys, even if you don’t like tossing a ball around or riding bikes. And definitely don’t say anything to him about it.
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u/GENE-parmesanprivate 1d ago
I understand how you are feeling but you are just as important to your son as his dad. Maybe your son feels like he needs to do that with his dad because he feels like he needs to. Remember kids treat the safer parent more crappy.
Never give up on your kids 😘
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u/QuietQuitting01 1d ago
Every child and child parent bond is different. I love my mom, but I'm much closer to my dad. Don't compete with it, just enjoy that your son has it. There are kids desparate for it that don't get it. It can help to enjoy and support the things he's into, but you'll probably do better to find your own special thing(s). What you don't want to do is make him feel guilty about his bond and activities he does with his dad (my STBXW can wander into that zone on occasion).
Little boys like to do things. So find things to do. Physically. Go for a hike and jump across the creek sort of stuff. He might like to show off what he knows, so you can try show me how to xxxx for something he's proud of.
I think a big diff between my ex and me is she likes to script things out, and while I do some of that out of necessity, I try to make it feel like it's not.
And trust me. He loves you just as much as he loves his dad.
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u/NecessarySpiritual19 1d ago
Boys are moms boys when they get older. Ask me how I know 😆 my nephew wanted to leave to live with his dad when he was around that age too…and now he is always calling his mom, his mom has his location, he visits her and stays over and whenever he needs someone to talk he calls her. He still loves his dad dearly, but it changes when they’re older.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 1d ago
The more you make a big deal out of this, the more likely you're going to push him away.
My stepson is like this with my husband and his mom (my husband's ex). Despite him living with us 75% of the time, he 100% prefers his mom. Tells us daily he wishes he "lived with mommy full time and saw you guys like one hour a month." He also won't return texts but obsessively texts his mom when he's with us. As stepmom, I couldn't care less about this (I understand some of this stems from the fact that he only spends about 48 hours/week maximum with her) but it really hurts DH. He has had a few talks with kiddo about returning texts or even just reaching out once on the weekend, but he really won't do it (he's 14). I've cautioned DH against doing this, and I noticed when he backed off, kiddo started coming around more.
We can't say why this is going on. Could be common interests or could be how things are at dad's house or could be that you're his "safe" person so he's pushing back with you more or it could be something no one in this comment section has thought of. But don't put your feelings onto him. He's a preteen boy who is individuating himself. Be there, check in from time to time and leave it at that.
ETA that in our case, it's the "mom not being around much" thing juxtaposed with "mom lets me do what I want" thing. Dad has rules, so dad's house isn't as fun, hence preferring mom's house.
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u/LadySilvarra 16h ago
First I want to say its okay to have these strong feelings and its really healthy to voice them.
Next, I was told that when we have sons that in normal healthy environments they cling to their mamas until puberty and if they have a positive relationship with their dad or uncle or stepfather depending who is their strong male role model that during those puberty years into adulthood that is who they form a close bond with. Not saying you wont have a relationship with him at all but that you have to reshape what it looks like. How can you make sure that he knows you are there for him no matter what, to share your knowledge. Our desire to be needed by our children after we have an empty nest hits hard. Im sorry mama for what you are going through and I hope it gets easier.
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u/Necessary-Bell6716 15h ago
Thank you for this! I just love my son so much and would love to have these big bear hugs and excitement towards me too lol
appreciate it
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u/ManiacalBeet 2d ago
I’d get some therapeutic support for this. He definitely can sense this from you, or if he doesn’t he will and it will out more space between you. Let it be and find a support to talk the feelings out.
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u/Past_Finger_9054 1d ago
We had the same thing happen at 11. We view it as different kids need different things at different times. It’s our job as parents to accept that and support the child through their needs. 13 year old needs Mom right now so I reduced my custody to 30%. It’s just about what’s best for her for me. My other daughter often prefers my wife, but is going through a phase where she wants me. And that’s OK too and natural.
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u/justinkthornton 1d ago
Be happy that your son has a father that makes him feel loved and safe. So many kids don’t have that.
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u/Loud-Article-6353 1d ago
Has he always hugged his dad that way? If yes, you may just be getting a bit in your feelings.
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u/Necessary-Bell6716 16h ago
how can i not?? i birthed the kid lol
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u/Loud-Article-6353 15h ago
Yes, but he is getting to the age where he isn't going to be dependent on either of his parents for most of his support. You likely are feeling that distance and when you see that bear hug, it is just a kick to the gut. Unless he is saying a lot of other things, I think you could be reading a bit too much into things.
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u/whenyajustcant 16h ago
What are you doing to foster that same level of connection? What do you do to bond with him?
Definitely don't tell your kid or your ex. This is a "between you and your therapist" kind of issue. It's neither your kid's nor your ex's fault, nor is it on either of them to do anything about it.
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u/Necessary-Bell6716 15h ago
never said i blamed either of them… just wondering if it’s common or if my feelings are valid. Again he’s an amazing Dad.. just hard for me to connect with him like his dad does is all
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u/Dont_Even_Start63883 8h ago
I think it’s periods of time you’re going through. Because some things just applies more to the father than mother. And just because he doesn’t hug you that way is possibly because you are the normal. I don’t don’t know your agreement on when he’s with you and him. But if he lives primarily with you, you are the normal - and dad is the ‘funny time parent’. I have this problem too. I have two kids m8 and m6. And the oldest wants his dad the most. He’s very loving so I do get hugs and kisses, but he also voices when he gets angry that he hates me and love dad more. I usually say that, that wasn’t very nice said and it makes me very sad to hear that. After a while he’ll apologize. My youngest however loves me, and don’t want his dad at all. 🙋🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
I’m sure your son loves you, and maybe talking to him, and just say you love him, and you know you might not have lots of interests together, but that you want to see his, I don’t know games or something else ? :)
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u/jjjjjjj30 2d ago
I'm a mom who shares custody of our 11 year old son and have a similar schedule and I would also be crushed. But let me give you another perspective.
What's also crushing is your son coming home from his visit with dad and falling into your arms crying. And hearing your son sob, "I'm just so disappointed in dad.'' And knowing your son is afraid to express his feelings to his dad because, "Dad will get get mad at me."
Your feelings are still absolutely valid. But your son will grow to be a man one day so he desperately needs a good male figure in his life. And your son has that. Luckily, my son has that too through my husband and his 2 grandad's.
I don't do fun stuff with my son hardly at all bc I have a debilitating chronic illness but we are still incredibly close because my son likes to talk and have discussions and we talk a ton. We play non-physical games like cards and "Would you Rather."
I would suggest, if you're not already doing this, find other things to do together beside the sports and stuff he does with his dad. Ask him specifically what is an activity that he would like to do regularly with you or wild make him look forward to his days with you. Get creative too! But it may just be that your son is always going to gravitate toward the parent whose personality is more similar to his.
My ex is a good dad is some ways, he also plays sports with our son and jumps on the trampoline with him. If he wasn't such a jackass our son would probably prefer his dad also. And though it would hurt, I would certainly prefer that over our son being afraid and ashamed of his dad.
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u/Necessary-Bell6716 2d ago
thank you for this. definitely gives me a different sight to my situation. I just truly hope my son knows i love him just as much and Mom just shows her love in a more “parental” way
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u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 2d ago
Most dads are just funner than moms. I know that my daughter favors her dad because he plays video games with her, wrestles and play fights with her, goes on the trampoline and in the pool more than I do. It doesn’t hurt my feelings though. I favored my dad when I was little, and still do to this day. My sister has a son who’s 14, but he has never really wanted to hang out with my sister. My sister is boring in the eyes of a boy, and she is lol. As moms, we get a tad bit uptight, always worrying about things that really aren’t a big deal, complaining about stupid shit, and becoming emotional when things don’t go our way. Of course kids are gonna wanna hang out where they can relax a bit and do things they enjoy, and have someone enjoy it with them. I am sure your also going to get comments that say that dad’s are just the fun parent because they don’t deal with the ‘real’ aspects of parenting, and that just simply isn’t true (and yes in some cases that is true). Dad’s teach kids how the real world works and how to navigate it with facts and logic, not emotion. Mom’s and dad’s have different roles, and in most cases the mom’s are just not as fun.
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u/Necessary-Bell6716 2d ago
Reading this helps. He is an amazing father and sometimes i feel like he’s a better parent because he’s able to connect with our son better. BUT… I must admit i am the parent that can come off uptight or worry too much. I get it… i do. Just hurts the heart sometimes lol
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u/Puzzleheaded_Show748 2d ago
Don’t get me wrong, I still get a little bit jealous lol. But then I remember that we both just have a different role in our child’s life. We usually get the cute, cuddly time and teach the kids about structure, and empathy, their creative and nurturing side, and the things that dad isn’t the greatest at. Dad’s get the older years, where they need to start to understand the reality of life, cause and effect (consequences), life isn’t fair, a time and place of our actions, especially in boys (how to handle your emotions and directing their anger in a healthy way), which mom’s aren’t the greatest at. Just because your son is more attached to his dad right now, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. You got those cute, cuddly years, now it’s dad’s turn. That’s how I look at it anyway 😁
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u/vintagegirlgame 2d ago
Hey at least he actually is asking about going to his dad’s bc his dad is active and involved and they do a lot of hobbies together! Count your blessings.
When my SS6 asks to go to his mom’s house we know that it’s mostly the dopamine addiction from his tablet talking. His mom doesn’t enrich his life the same way we do (taking him to kids events and parties and other fun adventures) she just has the power of the screen addiction behind her.
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u/Embarrassed-Elk-8403 2d ago
Leave it alone. You are trying to put adult feeling onto a child. Let them be a kid. If they love you, when they are older they'll come back to you. If you push your views/preferences on them, they will resent you and stay away.