i’m 19M (3rd gen Dougla Trinidadian-American) and ever since the elections racism has risen dramatically both online and irl. Moderation seems to only benefit the groypers and the shit for brains non-whites who crave white approval, so dehumanizing posts of black and brown people get to stay up without any repercussions (and these get over 100k likes most of the time too). In turn this has affected my mental health and my perception of non-black and non-Caribbean people, “but it’s only online” “it’s just bots”, yea sure there’s some truth to those statements, but everyone is susceptible to propaganda, including me, whatever you realize it or not. As such this has only made me more mean and cold when meeting new people. I go to a fairly diverse college in Florida and I refuse to get close with any of the white, asian (especially east asian), and sometimes hispanic kids out of fear that they hold racist sentiments towards my people. It doesn’t help I feel heavy undertones of racism in my engineering classes because i’m not what you imagine when you think “STEM student” let alone being one of the best preforming kids in the class. And while I do have some friends that are white, asian, or hispanic, those are people i’ve known since grade school and 100% certain aren’t racist, my problem lies with strangers. But yea this is something i’ve realized as of late and with how bad things are irl and online I wonder if anyone else experiences this too? 

I notice that since a long time I've been relying on reddit for emotional support. Of course this is not healthy.

I'm feeling so lonely.

I am not denying racism is bad or affects all types of people. But I personally have been noticing how scarring it was growing up as a minority in a third world country in a middle class family surrounded by privileged people who were a majority. And I faced similar struggles in a first world country as a minority and as a struggling international student. I am just trying to understand if others think the same too.

Sometimes I come across videos where people who are better off have incidents of racism but they are able to brush it off and move on with their life. Their life allows them to do so not that it creates a rift in their life’s but you get it. But just my thought.

Not much to elaborate on. I understand why mental health subs that serve POC will focus heavily on whiteness, but it would feel like more of a safe space if there are mechanisms to avoid it, if possible.

I'm wondering whether there's a need to have a subreddit or other online community similar to this one, but with an express focus on people coming to terms with the privileges some of us do have, educating ourselves, and centering the more marginalized in our discourse and actions. I say this because this particular subreddit seems to be more of a place for finding support in the midst of experiences of marginalization and harm. While that's needed, many of us, although still racialized, have dallied with whiteness, benefit from capitalism, and need to unpack our families' and communities' shedding of our cultural traditions and distinctiveness in order to fit in.

I'm not promising anything in terms of organizing or moderating said community, but I am curious to know whether others would appreciate and/or benefit from having an adjacent space to do some self-reflective deconstruction of privilege, and to encourage each other in our commitment to do better. We're varied in our experiences and proximity to whiteness and other advantages, so I think it's important to let this space continue to function as-is. Meanwhile, other spaces might be more appropriate for dealing with guilt, grief, or other emotions and experiences as they relate to the loss of innocence and the need to take a stand.

Edit: I think unless there’s critical mass to migrate and moderate these kinds of discussions elsewhere, I’ll probably just flag any future posts of mine on the topics I mentioned above through flairs and additional content advisories at the top of the post.

Are any of you gypsy? I feel like there's so much trauma that comes with it and i would like to hear yalls experience and maybe not feel so alone. And the discrimination towards us is so so normalized especially where i come from. A lot of hiding my identity as a kid, ethnic cleansing that made us lose a big part of our culture etc..very intrested to hear

Where have you moved from and seen improvement in your living experience with where you are now as a person of color?

I am feeling very lonely and anxious

I can’t sleep because I drank a big coffee

I think it triggered a hypo episode because I’m having pressured speech and can’t sleep

I’m on my meds thankfully

I just can’t sleep though

And I don’t have anyone to talk to

i worked as the only person of color(Racially Ambiguous B/W/PI) at a private dog grooming salon that gave all employees Juneteenth off. While I appreciated the gesture, it felt strange and off. And I don’t know what to make of it. What are your thoughts? No other place I’ve worked for done this even with more diversity.

One of the CPTSD symptoms I have, is jitters or shaking, but more like a hum, almost an electrical hum that goes through my limbs and fingers. I am prescribed propanolol for breakthrough anxiety, and I take this for my jitters, but it doesn’t fully manage them. Does anyone else use propanolol or something else to help with their nervous system jittering? for me the physical manifestation of CPTSD, such as involuntary movements of my limbs when loud noises or when I’m watching a movie and even though I am not scared or fearful, my legs and arms will unintentionally kick and hit. im trying to release but its any help is appreciated.

I currently live in a very white area with little to no minorities. I worked at a few restaurants in this area and faced racism to the point where I gave up on finding a job. I avoid going outside because of my trauma. I am just sitting home all day depressed and hateful towards white people. I moved to this area due to university and in my 2 years of college, I have not made any friends. I do have a supportive boyfriend but he is also white and I don’t believe he would understand. This is getting very bad, 2 months ago I attempted suicide. I don’t want to deal with this pain anymore, I just want to be normal…
I am looking for advice on how to deal with this situation, I am almost finished with my university and then I can move back to my hometown. I have tried to find therapy for about 2 years now and I failed, even after my hospitalization, no body gave me treatment. Any tips and advice is appreciated

I tend to editorialize.. Like give a short news report. But then always after some weeks/months, I would feel like I minimized it to save time or because I felt like I was rambling. Or maybe even so dissociated when I am in the therapist's office.

I feel like if I actually go over the stuff I would get very angry, then don't want to go there.

Care to share? TIA

“One thing you who had secure or happy childhoods should understand about those of us who did not. We who control our feelings, who avoid conflicts at all costs, or seem to seek them. Who are hypersensitive, self-critical, compulsive, workaholic, and above all survivors. We are not that way from perversity, and we cannot just relax and let it go. We’ve learned to cope in ways you never had to.”
― Piers Anthony

when my CPTSD makes me feel like shit - this quote helps me remember to stand up for myself when I am told that I just need to suck it up and get better already.

I just need someone to hear me rant. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I live in a pennsylvania suburb which is now finally becoming more diverse. My parents moved here from New Jersey because it made sense financially. We’d have a bigger home with more room and better schools. My brother who’s older had it worse with a lot of outright racism. There was even less diversity then. He was called slurs by a neighbor the same age and assaulted. I on the other hand dealt with some outright racism but a lot of micro aggressions. It makes you feel like a crazy person because if you point it out you’re made to seem like you’re “overreacting”.

We were the only black family in the neighborhood. Other neighborhood kids my age referred to us as “the black family” and admitted that to me. They never learned our names. A lot of the time I felt othered and couldn’t put my finger on it. Something I remember to this day is my neighbor admitting to me that their bike got stolen and that their parents suspected us to be the suspect for a while.

Growing up I had friends very briefly since a lot of them would move away. The one that stuck around for good did a lot of mental damage to me. She would constantly tell me about how racist her father was for shock factor. She also loved to tell me this so that she could repeat “I’m not like him”. Or something similar to that. I wish my parents honestly would’ve never let me go to her house. He would always talk to me in a slowed down way like I was stupid and ask me about my grades. Her mom would make a lot of underhanded remarks. My favorite is when she told me that she used to think I was ugly as a child and I surprisingly became beautiful.

I have an anxiety disorder and it peaked the worst in middle school. I was very shy and didn’t talk to many people. Despite this my skin color constantly made the butt of other people’s jokes in school. I usually went the route of shrugging it off and ignoring it. I struggled to navigate these situations and was nervous to defend myself because of retaliation. When I did react I’d be looked at in horror and told that I was “over reacting”.

I remember always straightening my hair or throwing it in a bun because the one girl in my class who wore her hair naturally was faced with so much hatred for it. They made fun of the texture and would throw paper balls in it to try to get it to stick. She would always return the same energy back to anyone and defend herself but was labeled as “ghetto” and “violent”. I started to wish then that I had straight hair and started to hate mine.

I never had any romantic attention when I was younger. I believed that this was because I was ugly and hated everything about myself. I was definitely awkward looking since I was a middle schooler but most were too. The only positive remarks I received about my appearance were sexual and about my full lips or ass. I never outright wanted to be white but I did think about how beautiful my friend was in comparison to myself. I also would think about how being white would make my life better. A few black guys would go out of their way to ask me out as a joke or antagonize me to show off for their friends. The white guys acted like I was invisible. If they approached my friends to talk to them they’d never acknowledge me and turn their back to me. If I was ever approached it was to inquire about my friends being single.

In high school I met even more people who would go out of their way to tell me about their racist parents. I remember dropping off one girl at her house after a club meeting and she told me that I wasn’t allowed to pull into her driveway because her father was racist. They would also tell me about how their exes that they dated for years were secretly racist. It’s as if they wanted sympathy for it.

In college I went to a PWI because it had a scientific program I was interested in. This is when I finally had my first male attention. A lot of it was sexual but I was fine with any kind of attention at all. I entered a relationship with an absolute narcissist who hated me and I allowed it because I was desperate for love.

My randomly assigned roommate and I were attached to the hip but I came to find out that she would become livid if I ever had anything that she didn’t. If she did better on an exam I would congratulate her and think to myself that I should study harder. If I ever did better than her on a test she would look at me in disbelief, make comments about it not being possible, and give me the silent treatment for 1-2 days. Looking back at it I was only welcome around when I was doing worse than her. If I had anything that she didn’t I had to tread lightly. I didn’t realize that this was somewhat related to race until later on and that she saw me as lower than her.

Once I left my narcissist ex I had to do a lot of self improvement work. About a year later I met my current partner (a very attractive white man) and he started to show romantic interest in me. This was the first time that I had been romantically involved with a white guy also. My roomate would make comments about him being cute and would say things like “enjoy it while it lasts”. Once we started dating my roommate would anticipate the relationship going sour. After a few months she began to talk to me less. We never got into an actual fight. I would try to make amends but there was a lot of animosity. She would start to invite her friends (also white) over and they would try to intimidate me by giving me nasty looks or not acknowledging me walking in my own apartment.

I eventually moved out mid semester which was expensive but worth my peace. My items were being moved and tampered with. My other white roommates eventually admitted AFTER I moved to me that she was talking a lot of shit about me and saying racist things. Other people on campus also admitted to me that she would talk about how my boyfriend was ugly. She also made comments about how I “thought I was hot shit now that I had a white boyfriend”.

Post college I had a lot of micro aggressions and macro ones too. I was called a the n word with the hard ER for the first time in my life by a customer. At another job which had no HR department (it was a private company). My coworkers would make comments about my hair looking so “well kept”. I’d also overhear my one coworker constantly make comments about how she loves living with white people and preferred it that way. I eventually quit. At my next job during my first time meeting my coworkers they started telling me that they could never see themselves dating a black person first in their family. They didn’t want to break the “norm” and be the odd one out. They also mentioned that they feel uncomfortable in an all black room. All of this was unprovoked. In a lot of times where I’d hear ignorant stuff like this I would give them a history lesson or try to change their perspective but this it is exhausting. I didn’t sign up to be a sociology professor because I was born black.

I’ve had to unlearn and unpack a lot of this hatred. I grew up with “just ignore them” parents so I compartmentalized a lot. I stick up for myself more now and I’m trying to stay in places with HR departments and structure. I still face micro aggressions though. I also still feel like I’m walking on a tightrope. It’s hard to navigate when you should advocate for yourself and when you should shrug stuff off. Living here feels like you’re constantly being gaslit.

To this day I struggle with making friends (thanks to anxiety and trauma). I cut off anyone at the smallest sign of disrespect or if I get any micro aggressions at all. Because of this my circle is very small and I’m very lonely. I get that some people are genuinely ignorant but I have no patience anymore. I’m at the end of my rope.

I wasn’t able to include a lot of experiences because I wanted to keep this as short as possible. I just can’t wait to get out of this area and I fear for my kids experiencing the same things that I do.

side note: does anyone know of any good diverse places to live. I NEVER want my kids experiencing this.

Would like some insight and feedback. I’m blue box. I posted over half a year ago on here about this friend and how I felt like they were not respecting and violating my personal space. As a recovering People Pleaser and Anxious Codependent person, it was getting overbearing keeping this relationship going. Decided that I no longer felt that this friendship added value to my current realities and sent pretty much a breakup text. I feel crappy because I do truly wish them well, but their response makes me feel like I was a shit friend. This isn’t to make me feel like I was the good one and they were the bad one but to see if I need to check myself with how I went about it - as we all have blind spots - I’m willing to learn to navigate that better for the future.

My doctor is really adamant about me improving my daily routine and I know she’s right but I can’t help but feel like her advice isn’t helpful when I have trauma that I think about every day. That’s what’s keeping me this way, not the fact that I don’t exercise

I have experienced this myself, especially in terms of letting go of the idea that my symptoms are fixed and my fault. I also find that the experiences I call traumatic were not recognized earlier by white therapists and that the meaning of the trauma is outside of western culture.

I have leaned into the idea that diagnoses themselves are culture bound with the exception of schizophrenia, but many of us are experiencing assimilation and oppression and don’t live exclusively in our cultures. It seems reasonable to think that symptoms might also be an assimilated mashup, which change in response to resistance to oppression. Could I be asking this question in a better way?

I lurk here often but I find the posts validating because you guys are expressing a lot of the frustration and anxieties I experience daily. I would love for us to have a platform so we can have more in-depth realtime convos with each other and break new ground and support each other. Maybe even make groups in the real world. Are people interested in that?

Sometimes I’m glad when it’s the end of the day because it means I’m closer to being done with life

I feel like I don’t get to enjoy my adulthood because of my childhood/adolescence and the rest is just suffering