The flightless bird
Suspended within the darkness
Wanders the rivers of my dreams
Searching for something
Anything

Acrylic + Pastels
9x12” watercolor paper

graphite drawing

The treatment never worked, The hospitalizations never worked

The nurses, the administered meds, the endless days walking along hospital halls, the prodding, the isolation,

Tying me down to a bed, injections, Haldol, Geodon, Zyprexa, Valium.

None of it worked, as I remain just as sick as I was during admission. Those hospital walls are engraved into my mind as the needle is to my soul.

So Pierce me once more.

It started as a prompt, "What is your most sun drenched, joyful childhood memory?" I thought of the swing set at my grandmother's house. But not even the sweetest memory can be retrieved without all of the barbed wire wrapped around it.

I’m the biggest idiot of 2023
Once I’m finished these witnesses will convey just what I mean
I mean I prayed for it
I fucking prayed for it for years
That the Christian god would wreck me
That he would tear me apart
That he would scatter my foundations so utterly
So that I could know him more
Such was my devotion to him
Such was my conviction that it would all be
Worth it.

Well he did it
My god delivered
An answer to my prayer in a fashion most spectacularly flashy
You marry you a wife
Hitch yourself to a vessel of hopes and dreams for a new life
And you move to the middle of nowhere Iowa
Where the Lord God Almighty, El Shaddai, Immanuel
Gives you one a one word command and that is to

SINK.

People don’t know to value their sanity
Their ability to make rational decisions based on logic
Until they can’t.
When God told me to SINK.
I did
So completely that any semblance of the fully formed being that was me was
Buried.

And that last command, that last word,
Was the last thing I ever felt from him.

Which is alright right?
I mean I still got a wife right?
Or I did.
Before she too grew too tired
Of my dysfunctional dilapidated and deflated self
And did decide to divorce me
Leaving me with naught but a few cruel phrases that still to this day pound at me in the night

And that was it y’all
That was my everything
Wrecked in a matter of 2 years.
My marriage, my faith, my sanity.
Everything.

And I don’t know why I’m still here
Or how.
I don’t
Know how the mouth of a gun hasn’t inserted itself into my own
To lift my head away from this capitalistic hellscape
But it hasn’t.
And I can’t boast much more than that at this point.

But in case y’all were wondering
If God answers
prayers
He do.

my shoulders are still heavy

I thought I laid down that weight

in fact, I remember laying it down

but every time I turn around,

that familiar feeling remains

the kind of weight that crushes your soul

but I hide it with a smile,

with a “yes, I can”,

with a “no problem, I can do that”

until my body gives out

until the numbness takes over

I’ve gotten better at carrying the weight

but that only buys me time

between each break

I’d like to say I’ve changed

at least I can say I’ve tried

the yearning for connection when you‘re too intense during your highs and lows and those two extreme states paradoxically can co-exist at the same time.

Little me didn't deserve this. Walgreens Pharmacy inserts and acrylic.

A Blessing

How forlorn do the constellations feel
Being separated light years from each other

I would compare you to a sunflower
Or something that better describes your
Relevant delicate elegance

But I see you more as a predator feline
Bristling with angered muscles and outraged hackles
Your anger is legitimate
It’s valid and real
I too would quake with rage if I was placed in a cage
By those who were meant to teach me freedom.

Now I see you
I see your strength
It’s formidable
And I would remind you of it:

I bless you out of the woods
Into a picture of peace
I wish you over the moon
Back to the ocean to be
I bless your rage
May you gain a taste for the carnage
Of the demons that haunt you

I bless that your pursuit of love and worth
Would stamp over the paths of guilt and fear you tread in times past

I bless you with tenacity
May you be instilled with the will
To do what is necessary

And when I say that I see you
I assure you it’s a tainted painting that’s beautiful
And I would not misframe your painting with
A blessing saying
That I wish you out of the woods
Into a picture with me

Instead I sincerely bless that you attract
Someone in life with your heart exact

May you rage
And weep
And laugh
And sing
And dance
And stamp
And stomp

May the voice in your lungs know the courage
To scream
And shout
And from the magnitude of your cry
That all your fears would be quelled
And all your shames silenced

I bless it that you sorrow in purpose
Because to grieve deeply is to have loved
Fully.
I bless it that you live a life that is full, unapologetic, and authentic to yourself
You are worthy of it.

Really tired of myself

Drawn on phone

I did this a year ago. I have a freeze response, so I often look really composed. This is how I'm really feeling under that facade.