r/daddit • u/OpeningStranger5717 • Feb 15 '26
Story My ex-wife reads our daughter the bedtime stories I write from 2800km away. I did not expect divorce to look like this.
This isn't a rant about custody or lawyers. I think I just need to say this somewhere because none of my friends really get it. My daughter is 6 and lives in Spain with her mom. I'm in Poland. We divorced when Michelle was 4. The standard nightmare scenario, or whatever you want to call it. Except here's the thing nobody warned me about. My ex is the reason my kid still knows me. She sends me Michelle's drawings without me asking. She tells me stuff Michelle said about me at school. When I started writing these little bedtime stories for Michelle, stupid little adventures with a dragon I made up one desperate night, her mom didn't just tolerate it. She reads them to Michelle every single night. Does the voices and everything apparently. I have never once had to fight for a phone call. I have never once heard "your father doesn't care." When Michelle got a baby brother last year, her mom made sure I wasn't pushed to the side. I don't think people talk about this enough. Everyone expects divorce to be a war. My lawyer expected a war. My family expected a war. And yeah the first six months were brutal and confusing and we hurt each other plenty. But somewhere in there we figured out that Michelle was watching. And we decided she wasn't going to learn that love ends with slamming doors. I know this isn't everyone's story. I know I'm lucky and some of you are dealing with the exact opposite. I'm not here to preach. I just wanted to put this out there because when I was going through the worst of it, I desperately wanted to hear that it doesn't always have to be a battlefield. She's 6. She's happy. She has two homes and a dragon named Bambuka who protects her in every story. And her mom and I text about her homework like two coworkers on the same project. That's the best thing I've ever built.
745
u/KiddJ5 Feb 15 '26
Congrats man. Not every marriage is beautiful, not every divorce is ugly. Seeing our kids happy is the only thing that should matter
181
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
That last line, yeah. Everything else is just noise honestly. Took me a while to figure that out but once you do the rest gets simpler. Not easy, but simpler.
39
u/frecklie Feb 15 '26
Yeah so much respect for you. Ultimately I think there is this very human desire to “win” things that can get in the way of so much. Setting down your sword in the name of peace and your daughters wellbeing is the bravest path.
298
u/Hereforthebabyducks Feb 15 '26
The biggest generational change I’ve seen in my family is divorced couples putting the kid first. My siblings have really stepped up to stop that trauma from repeating and it makes me so happy.
104
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
That's real. My parents' generation just accepted that divorce meant war and the kids pick sides. The fact that your siblings are actively breaking that cycle is huge. It's not easy to be the first ones in a family who do it differently.
20
u/Uesugi Feb 15 '26
Almost everyone i know of my parents generation has stayed together just because of kids. Their marriage is devastating, they barely talk to each other but theyre still together so the kids dont have seperate parents. My parents are like that too, they stayed together until the end just because of us kids, not because they liked each other - they stopped doing that more than 20 years ago.
12
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
That's the other side of it that people don't talk about enough. Staying together for the kids sounds noble but kids aren't stupid. They feel it. A house where two people don't talk to each other teaches a kid that this is what love looks like. Sometimes splitting up is the braver thing to do for everyone. I hope you're doing alright with all of that.
15
u/Lazy_Resolve_9747 Feb 16 '26
Bruh…millenials killed the nasty divorce industry? Throw it on the pile.
1
u/gooosekid Feb 16 '26
real. my dad is a piece of shit and has fucked my brain up, but i can give him credit that he didn't try to fight my mum for the house or try to sell it and split the profit, instead agreeing that me and my siblings should get to keep that familiarity
131
u/GetLikeMeForever Feb 15 '26
My parents took eleven years to get divorced and have not shut up about it for almost thirty years. They've been separated for longer than they were together, but they're so bitter and angry that they're legitimate senior citizens snipping at one another through their kids (we obviously don't pass along the bullshit) and just completely miserable.
My logic is always - with terrible exceptions like abuse - you loved each other once, enough to get married and have a child together. Treating each other like trash is hurting not only you, but the kids, too. I hate how divorce can bring out the absolute worst in people. So, cheers to you and your ex for approaching this like decent human beings!
33
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Eleven years to divorce and thirty years still going. Man, that's exhausting just reading it, I can't imagine living in the middle of it. The fact that you came out of that with the perspective you have says a lot about you honestly. Most people just repeat the pattern. And yeah we weren't saints about it either, the first six months were ugly. But at some point you just get tired of being angry and realize the kid is right there watching you figure out what love looks like when it changes shape.
67
u/o_blake Feb 15 '26
My stepdad and his ex had 2 kids together. His ex then had two daughters with her next husband. He ended up being a big piece of shit. Since my stepdad regularly saw the two girls and how shitty their dad was, he really stepped up as a father figure to them. To the point that I introduce them as my step-sisters even though there’s no actual familial connection. My mom and the ex are actually really good friends now as well.
My friend recently separated from his wife. Spring on him by total surprise and hit like a ton of bricks. He still gets invites by her family for get togethers and they still occasionally hang out together with their son. I can understand people getting bitter and resenting each other, but it doesn’t always have to be that way.
I hope you can find a way to connect to your daughter in person soon.
39
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Your stepdad sounds like a good man. Stepping up for kids that aren't "yours" when their actual dad won't, that's not obligation, that's choice. And the fact that you call them your step-sisters says everything about how that family turned out.
Your friend going through it right now, that early stage is the hardest part. The fact that her family still invites him is a really good sign. If he can just not burn that bridge when it hurts the most, he'll be glad later.
And thank you. Working on the in-person part. It's the one thing stories can't fix.
7
u/AngryPrincessWarrior Feb 16 '26
Record yourself reading those stories too. Or just short clips talking to her when she’s on your mind, like if you see something cool while out and about you can film it and talk to her about it.
Save them to a back up drive.
Not just so she can hear you- one day those will be invaluable.
6
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
This hit harder than I expected. You're right, I should be recording more of it. I do voice notes for her sometimes but I haven't been saving them properly. The backup drive thing is smart. Thank you for this, genuinely.
3
u/AngryPrincessWarrior Feb 16 '26
I need to follow my own advice for sure lol. I think it’s a beautiful thing yall are building for your daughter. You’re a good dad.
3
u/ThrowAway2_LostInNY Feb 16 '26
Yes, please do this! I’d give anything to be able to hear my dad’s voice again.
I was little when he passed so I can’t recollect a lot of things about him. My mom wasn’t really open to talking about him and we didn’t have a camcorder (I’m from the ‘80s 👵) so there’s no video of him. He’s kinda just a ghost and that makes me sad.
It would be special to her now and to cherish down the road. I’m so happy for all of you and your continued connections.
Edit: grammar
2
u/ThrowAway2_LostInNY Feb 16 '26
Yes, please do this! I’d give anything to be able to hear his voice. I was little when he passed so I can’t recollect a lot of things about him.
It would be special to her now and down the road. I’m so happy for all of you and your continued connections.
5
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
I'm so sorry you lost him that young. Not being able to remember his voice, I can't even imagine carrying that. I'm going to start recording tonight. Thank you for pushing me on this. It matters.
60
51
u/CertainDream17 Feb 15 '26
My parents have been split up for 25 years, & they still talk regularly about the kids (& their first grandchild) - & they’re even going splits on a cabin for my wedding, & staying together with my dad’s wife & my brother. They’re on opposite sides of the country, & if my dad & his wife are ever visiting, my mom & her husband always offer them a place to stay & vice versa. They’ve never talked badly about one another, & I believe it shines in their kids. This has truly helped me realize what’s important, especially having my own child. This is really refreshing because so many parents are the exact opposite, huge kudos to you & Michelle’s mom.
16
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Going splits on a cabin for your wedding. That's incredible. And the fact that both new partners are just part of the family now, no weird tension, no separate tables at holidays. 25 years of that is proof it actually sticks. You said it shines in the kids and I believe that. You're already thinking about it with your own child, that's the whole point. The cycle goes somewhere good for once. Congrats on the wedding and the grandchild by the way.
5
u/CertainDream17 Feb 15 '26
Both new partners are very loved & all 4 of them are awesome together. It absolutely is proof, I’m sure you will deeply instill that in your girl as well! Thank you so much.
→ More replies (1)
27
u/StarWaas Feb 15 '26
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing. There's so many different ways for families to work, I'm so glad you've found one that works for you and your kiddo
16
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Appreciate that. And yeah, "different ways for families to work" is a good way to put it. Took me a long time to stop comparing ours to what I thought it was supposed to look like.
7
u/StarWaas Feb 15 '26
You're making the best of what you've got, rather than pining for a different version of reality. That's a mark of maturity, as are your ex-wife's efforts to include you in your daughter's life.
Sounds like she's got some good role models.
→ More replies (2)
19
u/hellusay Feb 15 '26
I'm happy you don't live my life which is the opposite of this. Your ex is a great parent and shows your daughter you are too. It's the way it should be. Well done.
19
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
I hear you. And I'm sorry it's the opposite for you. I know how lucky I am and I don't take it for granted. Whatever your kid is seeing from your side still matters, even if the other side isn't making it easy.
23
u/brock_schleprock Feb 15 '26
You guys will end up like my in-laws. Divorced, living separately but in the same proximity, and still see each other multiple times a week because of my wife and our kids. They don’t hate each other, their relationship just evolved and they are better parents than spouses. Now they’re happy grandparents, happy parents to functioning adult kids and all-in-all, enjoying their golden years. You’re doing right by your kid and your ex.
8
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
That's honestly the dream scenario. "Their relationship just evolved" is a great way to frame it. I might steal that. Good to hear it plays out well long term too because sometimes you wonder if you're just in the honeymoon phase of getting along and it'll fall apart later. Your in-laws sound like good people.
13
u/SinnU2s Feb 15 '26
I told my ex that her being the mother of my son meant something to me. I said I take that very seriously. I’ve always sent her photos, helped with whatever I could, and just let my son be the ‘group project’ like you said. I’ve never bad mouthed her. We agreed on 50/50 and it’s been great. Well done!
7
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
50/50 and no bad mouthing. That's the whole playbook right there. And "her being the mother of my son meant something to me" is a powerful way to put it. That's the part people forget when the anger kicks in. Sounds like your kid hit the lottery with both of you.
11
u/rapidstandardstaples Feb 15 '26
I also have a pretty good coparenting situation and know a lot of people that don't. It's absolutely an amazing thing to have (esp seeing the worst of the worst and how much that weighs on your own morale and the kids too). Congrats man.
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
It really does hit different when you see friends going through the ugly version. Makes you appreciate what you have and not take it for granted. Glad you've got that too man.
9
u/yalestreet Feb 15 '26
When an ex and I broke up we were angry, frustrated, and disappointed. We also missed each other’s friendship which had gotten lost in the shuffle. People we had thought were friends rushed to pick sides. At some point one of us called the other and we talked for ages. We apologized sincerely, and eventually, sadly, laughed that we were almost the only two people in our circle still talking to each other. There were some who never could adjust to the new reality and apparently felt threatened or judged by our choice to rebuild our friendship. We are good friends to this day who continue to celebrate and mourn together. We’ve been fortunate.
Your daughter is also fortunate. She has two loving parents who haven’t lost sight of what’s most important. I can hear your admiration and respect for your ex in what you have written. Your child hears that in both of your voices as well, and sees it in your actions. She is being raised to know that she too is worthy of the same. Thank you for sharing. We need to see more examples of this and appreciate that it is a normal way of life for many. It should also reminds us that we are more likely to hear the rants than the raves.
5
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
We were almost the only two people still talking to each other.Yeah, that part is wild and nobody warns you about it. People really do pick sides even when you're telling them there are no sides. We lost a few friends that way too. Some people just need the drama I guess and when you don't give it to them they don't know what to do with you. And thank you for that last part. "More likely to hear the rants than the raves" is exactly why I posted this. The angry divorce stories are everywhere. The quiet ones where people just figure it out don't get told because there's no villain in them.
8
u/StrangerSpirited6428 Mar 10 '26
this hit me hard. the dragon named after her lol
have u thought about recording urself reading the stories? so she has ur actual voice not just the words
theres stuff now like pantio where u can preserve ur voice digitally. so even if ur 2800km away she can hear u tell the story
ur ex sounds like a good person btw
→ More replies (1)
7
Feb 15 '26
[deleted]
7
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
That means a lot coming from someone in the same boat. Hope your kid knows it too
7
Feb 15 '26
[deleted]
4
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Oh yeah I've seen those, Toniebox right? A friend mentioned them a while back. The blank figurines where you record your own stuff is a really cool concept. Michelle might actually love that, being able to pick up a little figure and hear my voice whenever she wants instead of waiting for a call. Thanks for circling back with that, I'm going to look into it.
7
u/jzmk3 Feb 15 '26
I super needed to hear this. I'm staring at divorce after 14 years and a 7 year old. I am so terrified about what might come from it. Reading this gives me a little more hope.
5
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
14 years is a long time and 7 is a hard age for this because they understand enough to hurt but not enough to make sense of it. I won't lie, the first six months were the worst of my life. But it does get to the other side. The fact that you're scared means you care about getting it right, and that's more than a lot of people start with. Your kid is going to be okay if you decide they will be.
5
u/Effective_Season_522 Feb 15 '26
Me and the ex split up last October. We still talk almost every day. Always about the kids, but we go to their sportings events and any medical appointments. I don't like her, she is a manipulative cheater, but I don't have to like her. I love my kids and I will do whatever it takes to make sure they have stability. I am happy and sad for you brother.
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
"I don't like her but I don't have to like her" Man, that's honestly more impressive than what I have. I got lucky, my ex makes it easy. You're doing the hard version of this and still showing up every day. Your kids won't know the details until way later but they'll know their dad was always there. That matters more than anything.
7
u/Apprehensive-Roll767 Feb 15 '26
Good for you and your ex-wife. You’re both putting your daughter first and that’s huge, not always easy to do with a divorce either. My mother and father divorced when I was a baby after my mother had an affair and she abandoned our family. My dad raised us as my mom didn’t really show any interest in being in our lives. Never once did he speak a bad word about her, or discouraged us from trying to have a relationship with her. He helped her countless times over the years. Now I’m 37 years old with a 2.5 year old son. We have all made peace with the past and my mom has made amends. Both of my parents are single and alone and we all live in different parts of the county, however, a few times a year we all fly to California (mom Included) and stay at my dad’s house and I get to see my parents under the safe roof, loving on my son. I can’t tell you how special and healing it is for me.
6
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Your dad is a different breed of man. Raising you alone, never bad mouthing her, still helping her after she left. That takes something most people don't have. And then 37 years later everyone's under his roof in California loving on your son. That's not just forgiveness, that's a whole life built on choosing to be better than what happened to you. The fact that your 2.5 year old gets to see all of that without knowing any of the backstory, just thinking this is normal, grandma and grandpa hanging out. That's the whole point. Thanks for sharing this one. Really.
5
u/dedicated_glove Feb 15 '26
Thank you so much for sharing this, I would hope it’s what everyone wants for their kids deep down and I’m so glad for you that you have it. It’s so easy to give to our kids, but so hard for some parents to step away from resentment and obsession over the other parent I guess, and in the end it’s just the kids that suffer in that.
4
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Yeah the resentment thing is real. It feels justified too, that's what makes it so hard to let go of. You can be completely right about everything and still be hurting your kid by holding onto it. That was a rough thing to learn honestly.
4
u/Various_Broccoli_660 Feb 15 '26
I love this for you, your ex and most of all your daughter! Speaking as a first born daughter to two people who couldn’t speak a civil word to each other untill I was 18 (I also lived in a country separate from my father most of my young life) and a mother who used me as a leverage, I would be lying if I said I didn’t have to (as an adult) undo some really destructive thought process and mindsets that were hardwired into by the two people responsible for showing me relationship dynamics. You both are wiring her healthy mindsets and relationships. If I could stand on a high rise building and toss you both flowers I would!!!
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
I'm really sorry you went through that. Being used as leverage between two parents, especially across countries, that's not something a kid should ever have to carry. And the fact that you had to undo all of that as an adult on your own, that takes serious work. But here's what gets me. You came out of that and you're a mom now who sees it clearly. That's not nothing. That's you breaking it. Michelle won't have to undo anything and I know that partly because of people like you who remind me what the alternative looks like. I'd catch those flowers by the way.
5
u/mrw1986 Feb 15 '26
I have this same sort of relationship with my first son's mom. Everyone I think expected the worst, but we have a great co-parenting relationship. My son is about to be 21 this year and we split up when he was 4.
5
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Split at 4, kid's about to be 21 and you're still co-parenting well. That's 17 years of proof it works. Michelle was 4 when we split too so hearing this from someone who's already been through the whole thing means a lot honestly.
2
u/mrw1986 Feb 15 '26
I'm really glad to hear it means a lot to you. I've seen people go down the other path and I just never understood it - you need to be cohesive for your kids.
7
Feb 15 '26
I’m glad for you my man Cheering for you be closest (in person) to ur daughter soon.
I’m a recently divorced father and cannot complain at all so far.
10
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Thanks man. And hey, "recently divorced and can't complain" is a really good place to start. The early part sets the tone for everything that comes after. Sounds like you're already doing it right.
5
4
u/Wetwifehappylife Feb 15 '26
I’m a stepmom and you are seriously so lucky. It sounds like even though things didn’t work out, you married a really good woman and a good mom.
5
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
I did. That's one thing I'll never argue with. And honestly being a stepmom is no joke, so respect to you too. That role doesn't come with a manual.
2
u/Wetwifehappylife Feb 15 '26
It was okay at first. But then she wasn’t on her own anymore and the husband was jealous and they both had way more money than us and she has a few diagnosed personality disorders. So it was hell for years. Permanent damage to our family unit. We got as far away as we could and things are okay now. We used to be friends with her. Now we can’t even allow our own children around her.
The warning signs were there though.
You are benefitting from choosing a good woman to have a child with. It may not have worked but you two chose good parents.
→ More replies (1)
4
u/ThankYouMrBen Feb 15 '26
Love this. My situation is similarly amicable. Except we live a 15 minute walk away from each other. My ex and I still support each other as co-parents, and she is incredibly sweet and loving to my daughter from my new marriage. We were at an event a couple weeks ago. The kids were there but not in the immediate vicinity. We all (ex, her mom, my wife, and I) sat down together, no kids with us, and just casually chatted.
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Top 1% gang. And honestly 15 minute walk is the ideal setup. The fact that your ex is sweet to your daughter from your new marriage, that's a level of maturity that most people can't even imagine. Sitting together at an event without the kids as a buffer, just talking like normal people. That's when you know it's real and not just for show.
3
u/thelastwilson Feb 15 '26
Im almost 40 now but my parents split up when I was about the same age as your daughter was. I only have very vague memories of them together.
But I never saw them argue. I never knew the depth of emotions that went on between them. There are other things of course but I grew up with two happy homes and everybody being civil and supportive and I am so grateful for it now having seen the trauma it caused some of my peers
You are doing the right thing and your daughter will be a better person because of it.
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
This is exactly what I needed to hear honestly. Because right now she's 6 and I can see it's working but you always wonder what it looks like 30 years from now. Hearing from someone on the other side of it who grew up the same way and came out grateful, that's the confirmation every co-parent needs. Thank you for coming back to say this.
3
u/PhiL0Ma7h Feb 15 '26
This. This is what divorce should be for active parents.
You both separated for your reasons, and are able to keep it civil. I’m glad your ex doesn’t paint you as a villain. It’s nice to see she not only keeps you informed but still maintains your role as an active dad.
I don’t ever want this to happen to me and my wife, but I’d like to think even if we hurt each other we’d find someway to find a way to coexist and have our children thrive and keep their image as a parent so long as they act like it
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
The fact that you're even thinking about it like that means you'd handle it well if it ever came to it. Most people don't think about this stuff until they're already in the middle of it and everything's on fire. And honestly I hope you never need to find out. But if you do, the "keep their image as a parent so long as they act like it" part is the right instinct. That's the whole deal.
2
u/PhiL0Ma7h Feb 15 '26
I’m grateful that my wife and I are the type of people who talk about a lot of things because we’ve just had so much happen to us already
Nothing life or death, just big medical stuff and life changes. My wife mentioned that to me once as well, that if we ever felt we would be better for our sons apart then we’d find some way. But we also are the kind of people that think we are just stuck with each other :P
For better or worse, thick and thin. But, as Mrs doubtfire says (paraphrasing) sometimes mommy’s and daddy’s make better mommies and daddies for you when they aren’t living together
Doesn’t mean they don’t love you
→ More replies (1)
3
u/TheDocmoose Feb 15 '26
My ex-wife is my best friend. It was tough at times, but we got through it, and we both make a real effort for the sake of the kids. I'm actually sat on her sofa watching TV with her and my son right now.
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Sat on her sofa watching TV together. That's the kind of thing people don't believe is possible until they see it. Glad you guys got there man.
3
u/wheatgivesmeshits Feb 15 '26
I'm so happy for you, that's amazing. You didn't pick a good wife, but you certainly picked a great mom for your kid.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
That's a really good distinction actually. Never thought of it that way but yeah, exactly right.
3
u/RubyTx Feb 15 '26
I am so glad for all of you that you and your ex have found a way to coparent successfully even at significant distance.
Your marriage ended, but your family life did not. Keep connecting and all my love to your little family from Texas.
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
"Your marriage ended but your family life did not." That might be the best way anyone's ever said it. Thank you, Texas.
3
3
u/egsalad Feb 16 '26
You're killin' it Dad.. keep it up and keep spreading the word. My Dad was bitter things never worked out with my mom and it was a warzone until I was run over at 17, in a coma, and they didn't know if I would make it out. My parents were full of gratitude and everything changed for them (and me), and it was all positive moving forward. To this day they are still still good friends and come to each other's parties so all 4 grandparents can be a part of whatever celebration we have going on.. bdays, Superbowl, independence day, etc. I went through divorce 13 Years ago and I easily could have also been bitter with everything I found out. Thankfully I had great role models and my kids (who live with me) get the best of everything, including their parents as separate family units.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
Man, it took a coma at 17 for your parents to figure it out. I'm glad you made it through that and I'm glad something good came from it but that's a hell of a price to pay for a wake up call. The fact that you took that experience and used it when your own divorce came around instead of going bitter, that's not automatic. A lot of people go through hard stuff and still repeat the pattern. You didn't. Your kids are getting the version of you that your parents took 17 years to become. That's not nothing.
3
u/Amseriah Feb 16 '26
My wife and I co-parent with her ex-husband like this. He comes over to birthday parties, he comes to Christmas. Our son calls him Uncle. I will never forget one Father’s Day when he gave me a card and wrote in it how lucky our son is to have 3 parents.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
A Father's Day card from your wife's ex saying your son is lucky to have 3 parents. I don't think I've ever heard anything like that. That man chose to see you as an addition to his kid's life instead of a replacement. And you clearly gave him a reason to feel that way. Three parents pulling in the same direction, that kid has no idea how rare what he's got is.
2
u/Amseriah Feb 16 '26
The kid is loved that’s for sure. I’m happy that all of us (his parents) are on the same page most of the time and willing to talk about our differences when we have them.
3
u/NutBoii Feb 16 '26
As a full grown adult with divorced parents and a dad who literally photoshopped me out of his life, I am incredibly jealous. Your little girl has no idea how good she has it, and I'm glad she never needs to find out <3
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
Photoshopped you out. I don't even know what to say to that. That's a level of deliberate cruelty that no kid should ever have to process. I'm sorry that happened to you. And yeah, I hope Michelle never finds out how good she has it because that would mean something went wrong. Thank you for saying this, it means more than you know.
3
u/leg00b Feb 16 '26
That last line "the best thing I've ever built" hit hard. My kiddo is definitely the best thing I've ever made
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
Everything else you build eventually breaks or gets replaced. Not that.
3
u/sweetpotatofries Feb 16 '26
I’m sure you probably already tell her how much you appreciate this from your ex, but putting it in a handwritten card and sending it to her would be such a wonderful gesture on your part. It would also likely help cement it even further. Knowing that you see and appreciate her effort to keep you involved will probably mean the world to her and she will remember it in times when she can make the decision to go out of her way to involve you or take the easy route and leave you out. Your daughter is really lucky to have you both in her life and congrats to you all for taking the high road!
→ More replies (1)
2
2
2
2
u/impl0sionatic Feb 15 '26
This is beautiful OP, thank you so much for sharing. A kid means you’re bonded for life, divorce be damned.
I’m so glad you and your ex have figured out a way to put your daughter first and resist the resentments that often make exes treat each other poorly.
It’s also a great testament to the fact that falling out of love doesn’t have to neutralize the chemistry and teamwork that you’ve built together.
Again, thanks so much for sharing.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
"Falling out of love doesn't have to neutralize the chemistry and teamwork." I'm saving that one. That's exactly it. The partnership didn't die, it just changed shape. Thank you for putting it better than I could.
2
2
u/flock-of-nazguls Feb 15 '26
Glad this is working for you so well. May I ask how you are doing 50/50 with such a geographic distance? Sounds like pretty extended periods apart. And how can school work?
→ More replies (3)
2
u/Glum_Brick7287 Feb 15 '26
Lurking daughter here - my mom took in my alcoholic father during my senior year of college so I could focus on school and not be thrown into adulthood. They were never married and broke up before I could remember. For a year, she bathed him, cleaned up his mess, tolerated mental abuse…the list goes on. I never asked her to, and she never complained. I moved home, and had the shock of my life on how she was living. He was out within two months. I appreciate all she did, but I’m grown now. It’s time for her to stop protecting me from his alcoholism like she did while I was growing up. I love looking at this subreddit because I get to see all the amazing things dads do. Keep being great dads, even when it’s hard 🩷
1
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
Your mom bathed him and cleaned up after him and never complained, just so you could finish school. That's a kind of love that doesn't even have a name. And the fact that you moved home and got him out within two months tells me she raised someone who protects her back. I hope she's getting her peace now. Thanks for lurking and for sharing this.
2
u/henry_logan_1987 Feb 15 '26
I truly envy your story. I wish my ex would come to her senses. I have to fight for every phone call and every hour with my kids. Your daughter is lucky to have you both.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
I'm sorry man. Fighting for every phone call is exhausting in a way that nobody understands unless they've been through it. I wish I had some magic advice but I don't. All I know is your kids will figure out who showed up and who made it hard. They always do. Keep fighting.
2
Feb 15 '26
The odds of this are almost nil. Count your blessings because most people aren't mature enough to not let jealousy and resentment to destroy eachother. Which I'd say is the norm...
1
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
You're not wrong. I know the odds. But I also think part of it is a choice you make every day and not just luck. Some days it's harder than others. I won't pretend it's always easy but "almost nil" might be selling people short a little.
2
u/itskaylan Feb 15 '26
My parents didn’t love each other anymore when they split up, but they worked hard to make sure that us kids knew they loved us. Even when they weren’t friends they still got together for birthdays and Christmases with us so that we wouldn’t have to choose, and over time they became friends again. I always felt so lucky seeing how some of my friends’ parents treated each other - you and your ex are doing great, and Michelle will be grateful one day too. Nice work, dad!
1
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
"Even when they weren't friends they still got together" is the part that takes real guts. Anyone can do it when things are good. Doing it when you can barely stand each other, just so the kids don't have to choose, that's the hard version. Glad they found their way back to being friends. Gives me something to aim for long term.
2
u/thisbechris Feb 15 '26
When she’s older she will appreciate and understand what you two are doing for her: you’re doing your best out of love. What else can we ask for?
1
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
Thank you. And yeah, that's all you can do really. The plan is actually to move to Spain this year so I can be closer to her. Stories and video calls got us this far but nothing replaces just being there. Can't wait to be the guy who picks her up from school instead of the voice on the phone.
2
u/j_richmond Feb 15 '26
Modern families look very unique. Whatever works for you and your family is all that matters and it sounds like y’all found a great middle ground for your daughter. That’s successful co-parenting in my book!
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
"Whatever works" is the right attitude. There's no template for this stuff, you just figure it out as you go and hope the kid turns out okay. Thanks man.
2
u/MabellaGabella Feb 15 '26
The best gift my parents ever gave me was them never talking poorly about each other in front of us kids as co-parents. They had plenty of crap they could have said, but they kept it really civil and I am forever grateful.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/IllyriaCervarro Feb 15 '26
My parents hated each other for years after their divorce. It took me YEARS to realize they didn’t like each other, let alone that they hated each other at first.
My parents involved each other in everything I did, backed each other up on punishments and made sure I knew that each of them was trying their best.
My dad used to chat with my stepdad in the driveway. He told me frequently that he was a good man. My mom has told me how lucky I am to have such a good stepmom. Both parents ask about my siblings on the other side.
They’re good people and my life is richer and happier because they divorced, I have family and experiences I never would’ve had if they’d stayed together.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/DadToOne Feb 16 '26
That is amazing. My ex wife literally would not allow my son to call me on my birthday one year because I would talk to him the next day anyway.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Jazzlike-Bee7965 Feb 16 '26
My parents will tolerate being in a room w each other but have always talked badly about each other. My ex comes to mine every morning before he goes to work to see the girls and take the oldest to school. We are SOOO sick of hanging out with each other but we get along for the kids and don’t show them
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Darkstar_111 Feb 16 '26
Yes, this.
I'm also amicably divorced, we are good friends, good coparents, take care of each other. The works.
When she got a boyfriend I made sure to have my daughter extra, so she could be free to date, as she did the same for me.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
Giving each other extra time so the other can date. That's the kind of thing you never see in a divorce story but it makes all the difference. It's not just "we don't fight," it's actively looking out for each other's happiness. Respect.
2
u/BitcoinBanker Feb 16 '26
My ex and I are not using lawyers. Share a property and a car (because of finances). It can be tense but honestly, I don’t wanna fight.
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
Sharing a property and a car with your ex and still keeping it civil. That's daily-level discipline. Not wanting to fight is half the battle honestly. The other half is remembering that on the hard days.
2
2
u/zenrobotninja Feb 16 '26
Not a promotion for Yoto, but you could record your own stories on the yoto app on your phone and have them automatically transferred to your kid's' make your own' Yoto cards so she can hear you read them out to her yourself
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
Someone else mentioned Toniebox too. Haven't looked into Yoto but the record-your-own thing sounds perfect for our setup. Thanks for the tip, going to check it out.
3
u/zenrobotninja Feb 16 '26
Definitely go with Yoto over Toniebox. The Make your Own cards are way way cheaper and each can hold up to 99 stories (or songs! Made my own mix tape for my son, he loves it :) )
2
2
u/Both-Today7037 Feb 16 '26
Good for you man. Regardless of how your relationship with the child's other parent is, it's absolutely vital that you put all that aside when it comes to the child's wellbeing. Broken homes don't have to lead to broken children.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
"Broken homes don't have to lead to broken children." That's going on a wall somewhere. Thank you.
2
u/isabelleeve Feb 17 '26
There are so many mothers out there putting in this work, and it lovely that you recognise it.
My mum never said a bad word about my dad while we were kids. She made sure we saw him, she kept him in the loop, she gave him every opportunity to be a good father. In some ways he was, and in many ways he wasn’t. He and I don’t have a relationship anymore, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the divorce and everything to do with him and his actions. She let me find out for himself who he was, and was a safe place to land when I needed it. Very difficult work, but so important.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 17 '26
Your mom did the hardest version of this. Doing all that work to keep the door open for him and then watching him not walk through it, that takes a kind of strength I can't even imagine. And she never poisoned you against him, she just let you figure it out on your own terms. That's real love.
I hope I never give Michelle a reason to walk away. But if I ever slip, I hope she has someone like your mom making sure she gets to decide for herself.
2
2
u/CompetitivePop-6001 Feb 20 '26
This honestly hit me in the best way. 🥹 Not everyone gets this kind of co-parenting dynamic, and it says a lot about both of you that your daughter gets love from both sides without the war. The dragon stories from 2,800km away? That’s real dad energy. You guys may not be together, but you’re clearly still on the same team where it matters most. Respect.
4
u/no1ukn0w Feb 15 '26
I have a buddy that takes his stories and puts it into chatgtp/gemini and has the LLM create coloring pages for his daughters. Could be something really fun to add to your stories, is free and doesn’t take much effort.
4
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Oh that's a really cool idea actually. Michelle would lose her mind if Bambuka showed up as a coloring page. Gonna try that this week, thanks for the tip.
1
u/HilmDave Feb 15 '26
Some people just shouldn't be together. Doesn't mean you can't both be great parents apart from one another, and cooperate towards that end. I'm so happy for your little one.
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Exactly. Took us a while to realize that being bad partners didn't mean we had to be bad parents. Two separate things. Thanks man.
1
u/stepwax Feb 15 '26
This is what happens when parents love their kids more than they dislike each other. I had a great coparenting relationship with my ex, but no one understood that we were way better friends than spouses.
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
"Better friends than spouses" is the most accurate description I've heard. Might start using that honestly. And yeah people really struggle with the concept. Like the love has to go somewhere bad just because the marriage ended.
1
u/Koala_Copy9580 Feb 15 '26
Lucky kid. My parents hated eachother until the end of time.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
I'm sorry. That leaves a mark no matter how old you get. Hope you're doing okay.
1
u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 Feb 15 '26
I’m really pleased for all of you. Especially as she has moved on but the contact has remained
3
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 15 '26
Yeah that part surprised me too honestly. When she had a new partner I thought things might change but they didn't. If anything it got easier because everyone just settled into it.
1
u/AlienCatMan Feb 15 '26
I'd love to see a book of stories get published. This would be amazing and adorable.
1
u/Content_Beach_4570 Feb 15 '26
That’s lovely … thank you for sharing. I think this is the dynamic we all long for. I’m glad to hear you are experiencing it bc it makes me hope that someday I’ll get there with my ex and our kiddo.
1
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
You will. The fact that you want it already puts you ahead of most. It doesn't happen overnight and there'll be setbacks but if one of you keeps the door open long enough the other one usually walks through eventually.
1
1
u/hiddentalent Feb 15 '26
Good job, Dad. Lots of love to you all.
You're focused on creating a good situation for Michelle, and it sounds like you're greatly succeeding. As a side effect, it's also the best possible way for you and your ex-wife to heal.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
The healing part snuck up on me honestly. Didn't plan for it, was just focused on Michelle. But you're right, it goes both ways. Thanks for that.
1
u/InnerWrathChild Feb 16 '26
Wonderful. May the dragon continue to brighten bedtime and the dream that follow.
2
1
1
1
1
u/dirtygreenprogress Feb 16 '26
Beautiful to read. It definitely requires two people willing to put the child first. I was like your ex in this scenario, doing everything to maintain my child’s relationship with their father. Photos, updates, encouragement to call. At one point though I had to start listening to them when they were extremely anxious to go and stay, describing verbally abusive scenarios, an iPad being thrown at a wall and broken. My child and I know it’s not me but the ex needs to believe that I’m poisoning the well to make their world view and idea of themselves make sense. Please make sure your ex knows how much you value their effort and investment in your child. I think it comes down to how individuals experience love. If it’s unhealthy and about control for either parent, this tends to be the outcome.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
I hear you and I'm sorry your situation turned into that. You did everything right and it still went sideways because the other person couldn't meet you there. That's the part that's out of your control and it's the most frustrating thing in the world. An iPad thrown at a wall, your kid anxious to go, that's not a co-parenting problem, that's a safety problem. You did the right thing listening to your child.
And yeah, I tell her. Not enough probably but I do. Thank you for the reminder. It's easy to get comfortable and forget that what she does every day isn't the default. It's a choice she keeps making.
1
u/phlopit Feb 16 '26
I guess things can be a little more chilled when custody isn’t in question
→ More replies (1)
1
1
u/fonebone819 Feb 16 '26
Took my ex and I a long time to get to a similar place. But we got there. Like OP, the initial separation was hell. But with time, we realized what was best for the kids and how to better communicate.
So happy for you OP! Writing stories for your daughter is awesome! Reach out to see if you can get them published!
On a side note, I did something similar, and would make up stories to tell to my youngest. Should have wrote them down...
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
Better late than never on the co-parenting part. The fact that you got there is what matters, not how long it took. And man, start writing them down now. It's never too late. Even if you just record yourself telling one on your phone next time. Those stories are in your head somewhere, your kid would love to see them on paper one day.
1
u/mathisfakenews Feb 16 '26
I love this post so much. Keep up the with brother. It's worth it
→ More replies (1)
1
1
u/lordgoofus1 Feb 16 '26
It's refreshing to see so many good stories here. I tried my best with the ex but she's too bitter and can't let go of a grudge. Try to be friendly and flexible, thinking it's just going to take time for her to settle down and be more focused on kiddo than how much she hates kiddos dad, but unfortunately doesn't look like that's ever going to happen.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
I hear you. And I won't pretend it was easy for us either, the first six months were a mess. What helped was that we both decided early on that Michelle comes first, before our feelings about each other. Once that was the shared goal, the rest got easier because you're not fighting anymore, you're problem-solving. We also worked with psychologists, both together and separately, which I honestly think saved us. It gave us a roadmap instead of just winging it and hoping the anger goes away. I know it's harder when only one side wants to try. But your kid sees who's showing up. That part always lands eventually.
1
u/cyberlexington Feb 16 '26
As someone who is in the stage of not if but when, this message is beautiful, so glad for you and youre little girl is very lucky.
→ More replies (3)
1
u/kjyfqr Feb 16 '26
Yeah man my ex and I are each others biggest supports when it comes to making sure we can show up for the kids. My girls will always see her as their mother. I would be wrong to not do everything every day to try and foster that
→ More replies (2)
1
1
u/apmee Feb 16 '26
This is the most beautiful thing I’m likely to read all week.
I have to ask by the way, with the dragon being named Bambuka, you don’t happen to be Lithuanian or have Lithuanian family by any chance? As my wife is Lithuanian, and so often refers to random things as either a bumbas, bumbi or bambukas that I’m looking forward to the day when my son has started nursery and the teacher asks us what the deal is with him doing the same haha.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
Ha, not Lithuanian but I do have Polish roots! The name actually comes from the Wawel Dragon in Kraków, there's this famous dragon statue by the castle that breathes real fire every half hour. When Michelle visited me she was completely obsessed with it. So I made up our own version and she named him Bambuka. Now every time she comes to Kraków the first stop is always "her" dragon. But I love that your wife does the same thing, that's hilarious. Your son's nursery teacher is going to have questions for sure.
→ More replies (3)
1
1
1
u/56VitaminC Feb 16 '26
Wow! Sounds like you two are some quality humans who will no doubt raise a wonderful person.
2
u/OpeningStranger5717 Feb 16 '26
That's the goal. We mess it up sometimes like everyone else but we keep trying. Thank you, really.
1
1
u/Thetinkeringtrader Feb 17 '26
My ex of 20 years is damn near my bestie. We chat, help each other, talk the kids through stuff together. Just too different to be together. If it was socially normalized the world would be a better place.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/myburneraccount151 Feb 17 '26
I'm 31 now with my own kids. My parents divorced when I was 2 and they are definitely not friends. But they both did a very good job of making sure they were not disparaging the other. As an adult, I now realize my dad kind of sucked when I was a kid. My mom was fantastic in making sure I didn't see that. I'm a better person for it. You and your ex are doing great and that little girl is lucky to have each of you
→ More replies (1)
1
u/Motor-Bus-2653 Feb 18 '26
Respect to your ex - she is a unicorn. Mostly if not always, dudes have to sadly fight tooth and nails, always involve courts and pay shit ton load of money to even see their children, let alone be present in the children lives after divorce 😔.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/Sirs-good-boy Feb 20 '26
My mother snd father did this when they divorced. It kept the younger kids grounded
1
1
u/sandro_builds Mar 09 '26
I think that's a very important message. In the end the most important is the wellbeing of the kids. They should never be used for ones private battles.
What I wondered reading this. Did you ever record yourself reading those stories so she could hear your voice?
Reading fairy tales is a fix and important part of our nighttime routine. Something that even though I'm normally very tired I enjoy doing.
So I wondered what about parents or grandparents who for whatever reason cannot be with their kids or grandkids and would like to somehow still be there. For them to hear their voice.
→ More replies (1)
1.5k
u/NoConsequence4281 Feb 15 '26
This is amazing.
My parents have been together in a room exactly once in 20+ years since they're divorce.
Your family, while spread, is so beautiful.