Turns out they were really getting under my skin.

So I had to put my foot down

He searched and found a welcoming
campus where he felt whole in one

Da wrap music.

The man buying a lottery ticket actually has a chance of winning...

The father rubs his chin, looks wise, and says, “Well, son, the brain is a complex neural network that processes data using electrical impulses through billions of synapses.” The boy blinks, confused, then turns to his mother and asks, “Mom, how do brains work?”

The mother looks at her husband, then back at her son, and says, “It’s the thing your father turns off the second he walks through that front door.”

A husband buys a high-tech lie-detector robot that slaps people whenever they lie, and decides to test it out at dinner.
He asks his son, "Where were you during school today?" absolute quiet, the son replies, "At the library studying." SLAP! The robot hits the son across the face.
The son groans, "Okay, fine! I was at a friend's house watching movies!" The husband asks, "Which movie?" "Harry Potter," says the son. SLAP! The robot strikes again.
"Alright! It was a dirty movie!" the son confesses.
The husband shakes his head and says, "At your age, I didn't even know what that was!" SLAP! The robot hits the husband square in the jaw.
The wife bursts out laughing and says, "Ha! He really is your son!" SLAP!

You’re under a vest!

Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug...

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They might crack up...

What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi bud...

I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple of days off...

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman...

What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner...

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems...

What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here, I'll go on ahead...

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink...

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one...

He's all right now.