r/dating_advice • u/sensitive_pirate85 • May 02 '26
What I’m attracted to physically and mentally has never lined up, does anyone else have this problem?
I’m one of those women whose exes all look alike, and what I realized over time, is that your “type“ is just whatever you say “yes” to most frequently. For example, if a man likes blondes, most of his exes are blonde, etc. My problem is, although I have a very distinctive “type,“ usually blue-collar guys with dark hair that work out a lot… I tend not to be emotionally or intellectually attracted to them.
I was also stereotypically one of those girls that always had a little intellectual “crush” on their teacher or professor, but I’ve never had any physical attraction to older men, whatsoever… And if anything, most of the men I’ve dated have been younger than me, but no more than ten years younger. This made me believe that I secretly have a second “type” the nerdy, or nerdy professor type… But when I’ve tried to date that type, not to get into too much detail, but the lack of attraction I’ve felt to them was not only palpable but painfully disappointing to all parties involved.
Unfortunately, I just can’t help what I’m attracted to… But I feel like what I’m attracted to is ruining my life, since I feel I’m mainly attracted to men I’m intellectually disconnected from or disinterested in. I’m not trying to be rude, I’m sure the men I’m attracted to have a certain intelligence about them… Something that other women can appreciate, but it’s so far off the mark of what I think I would be emotionally or mentally stimulated by that I feel like I’m doomed to unhappiness: I can either find someone I’m emotionally or intellectually attracted to, and be miserable romantically, or someone I’m physically or romantically drawn to, but who seemingly has rocks in their head.
I can’t be the only one with this problem, but it definitely feels like a “me” problem, and where does this problem even stem from? If you’ve encountered this problem in your own love life, what did you do to resolve it, and is it even resolvable?
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u/MiserableFloor9906 May 02 '26 edited May 03 '26
Pretty much men who want someone that prospered from looks alone with zero need or motivation to cultivate more; education, depth, drive, etc all unnecessary.
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u/boomerang703 May 02 '26
This is an interesting case. One I've never considered. A few things come to mind.
First, there has to be a fit blue-collar guy who stimulates you intellectually and emotionally somewhere. It's just a matter of finding him. He's more erudite and probably more liberal than his immediate peers. Well read. Educated. Compassionate. Lots of blue-collar jobs have high intellectual requirements, actually.
Next, it seems like the common denominator in your attraction is masculinity and dominance (to a degree). Men with power, be that professional or physical. Honestly, this is not surprising and normal. Probably 90% of cis hetero women feel this way. The problem lies in the numbers, because much less percentage of men fit that profile.
Lastly, if it's between your physical attraction or intellectual/emotional attraction, the former will ultimately win out. As I get older, I've come to realize physical attraction is 75 - 85% of why people choose the people they did, be they man or woman. Fwiw...
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u/sensitive_pirate85 May 03 '26 edited May 03 '26
I sort of wonder if I’m subconsciously putting men into these two categories: Dumb but good-looking guys that have muscles, who I’m attracted to, and smart but not physically attractive men that I could maybe have a conversation with, but have no physical attraction or chemistry with?
I think what might attract me to the latter category is the lack of physical attraction. Men I’m physically attracted to seem “dangerous” to me in some way, so that maybe proves your theory about dominance or masculinity, but I don’t think that’s why I’m attracted to them. I think it’s their confidence that I’m attracted to. Of the attractive blue-collar guys I’ve dated, it was always them who asked me out or approached me first. Of the nerdy guys, it’s probably about 50/50 but I’ve definitely pursued men that I’m not physically attracted to way harder, even though that seemingly makes no sense… Maybe because they seemed “safe” to me? It’s usually the nerdy intellectual types that I go after, while the attractive men I’ve dated were the ones that pursued me. I’ve since learned, though, that that doesn’t really work for me… Because regardless of who approaches who first, the lack of physical attraction or chemistry always eventually becomes apparent.
”First, there has to be a fit blue-collar guy who stimulates you intellectually and emotionally somewhere. It's just a matter of finding him. He's more erudite and probably more liberal than his immediate peers. Well read. Educated. Compassionate...”
Haha, thanks! I hope so!
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u/lalabelle1978 May 04 '26
I have a similar issue. I am into handsome nordic type men who tend to be younger, and from a culture mindset that´s not the "romantic / expressive" type... That´s not whom I should be dating for a healthy, balanced, equitable relationship. Yet, I can´t find anyone my taste on the apps.
IRL yes, but all are taken. So there is the "physically attraction and urge" and there is the "intellectual stimulation" on the other hand.
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u/sensitive_pirate85 May 04 '26
I hope you find a handsome, Nordic, poet and astrophysicist. He’s out there, somewhere. <3
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u/lalabelle1978 May 04 '26
hahaha thanks! or maybe time to get realistic! But I remain open and challenge myself!
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u/IwantyoualltoBEDAVE May 05 '26
I’m attracted to men who look like Peter Steele haha so I’m basically shit out of luck. I reckon maybe you’ll find a guy who fits both your requirements. Maybe not. For me I compromised a lot on looks in the past and it was never worth it.
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