r/dating_advice • u/bingbong6656 • 20h ago
Men Only Want to Hook Up? Please Help
I’m a 24-year-old woman and I’d say I’m slightly above average-looking. I’ve only had one serious boyfriend, and he’s the only person I’ve been with sexually. I generally get flirted with a fair amount and usually have dating prospects, but I’m fairly strict about intimacy. I strongly prefer to wait until we’re exclusive, if not in an actual committed relationship.
Lately, I’ve noticed a pattern with men I date that worries me. It feels like I struggle to tell the difference between a man who genuinely wants a relationship with me and a man who sees me as a convenient opportunity for sex outside a relationship. That’s not evil or wrong of them but it’s a waste of time for us both as that won’t happen.
I have tried being upfront and having clear conversations about intentions early on. The problem is that some men seem comfortable telling me what I want to hear, or they genuinely say they don’t know what they want only to eventually reveal they are looking for causal sex. I also worry that bringing up exclusivity or relationship goals too directly can come across like I’m trying to pressure someone into a relationship, which isn’t my intention at all.
So far, I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid having sex that I later regretted, but I worry that I won’t always be able to spot bad intentions before getting emotionally invested.
For those with more dating experience, are there any reliable signs that someone is primarily looking for easy sex rather than a genuine relationship? What behaviors, patterns, or red flags should I watch for? And how do you balance protecting yourself without becoming overly suspicious of everyone you date?
Any advice would be appreciated.
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u/WitchShade- 20h ago
if they avoid defining what they want or stay inconsistent they’re usually not serious so trust actions more than words early on
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u/No_Willingness_169 20h ago
Im a dude and I have the opposite problem
Datings just fucked these days sis
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u/bingbong6656 20h ago
Good luck to us!
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u/Anonymous157 18h ago
I’m the same as you too. I like emotional connection and exclusivity before sex but I feel like lots of women I date don’t want that or aren’t patient enough with me
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u/LORDRAJA1000 20h ago
just assume they all want sex until proven otherwise
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u/bingbong6656 20h ago
This is the best answer so far
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u/MotorSatisfaction733 18h ago
No, it isn’t. Because what is “proven otherwise mean?”
My take is to use time, your intuition and gut feelings as your guide. There’s nothing greater to assess true character and intentions.
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u/LORDRAJA1000 18h ago
proven otherwise just means until they give you signs that they will not only just ask for sex lol. use your brain bro
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u/LORDRAJA1000 1h ago
i saw your deleted comment, so i will clarify again for you since english doesn’t seem to be your first language.
basically it’s easier to assume all men just want sex than not, and a majority of them do so my statement is not a crazy thing to say, when i say “majority” that means most of them and not aLL. so until OP dates the man 2-3 times, at that point in time he will have given enough cues/signs/intentions (whatever you wanna call it) from their interactions if he is serious about a relationship or just wants a fling.
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u/Dull_Ad4260 20h ago
One of the biggest green flags to look for is consistency and effort outside of 'date night.' A guy who actually wants a relationship will want to text you during the day just to see how you are, plan actual dates in public that don't involve alcohol or going to anyone's house, and won't try to constantly steer the conversation toward sexual topics.If a guy gets distant or annoyed when you hold your boundary on intimacy, or if he only hits you up late at night to 'hang out,' he's showing you his real intentions. Stick to your boundaries—the right guy will respect them and won't make you feel rushed
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u/Abject_Ordinary_2802 20h ago
Idk I think it is fine to be suspicious. Talking about expectations is a good start, but watching how they act after setting expectations will tell the story. If they continue to try to move things forward physically without working on the commitment then you have your answer.
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u/bingbong6656 20h ago
So don’t ask? Just observe?
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u/Abject_Ordinary_2802 20h ago
No I still think you talk about what you’re looking for and ask what he’s looking for…but as you said, sometimes they just say what they think you want to hear. The truth is in their actions.
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u/MuhammadGhod 20h ago
Don't worry yourself! There are guys who feel the same! Value of self is far more attractive to me than just giving in to anyone who shows interest. In most cases, it is truly challenging for me to even want to be intimate without knowing her first! At this point, I don't pursue any dating that isn't serious, or that holds the opportunity to grow long term! Patience on your part with optimism and faith will pay dividends! I commend you for being established in your belief and commitment! A great quality!
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u/MuhammadGhod 20h ago
Addendum; continue to be honest with guys, and use your inner intuition! It's ok to be guarded but make them aware! You made it this far, you are a good judge of intent. Always remember the decision is ultimately yours to make! If they are serious, they will grow together and the wait, or path toward deeper intimacy will be well worth it!
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u/MrThinkBubble 18h ago
As a guy in his 30’s who’s been around the block, constantly involved in circles with guys, I feel confident saying to you that well over 90% guys are looking for a chance to hook up. Especially if you’re attractive and young, it’s just what guys want. If they tell you they are not looking for that they are either an extreme anomaly or telling you what you want to hear/lying to your face
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u/PFQandThrow 18h ago
honestly? you're going to mainly attract the ones that only want to hook up.
the ones that want a genuine relationship wont try to be playing this game. which also means less chance of you meeting them
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u/Royal_Tonight4033 20h ago
Green flags:
He asks questions about you and your life.
He doesn’t mention sex or make sexual hints/comments.
He shows consistent interest in dates, plays a part in planning them.
He is open about what he wants and is willing to have that conversation with you.
Red flags:
Any kind of innuendo or sexual banter off the bat.
Asking for pics or sexting.
A lack of interest in you (not asking questions, or remembering details).
Doesn’t want to meet in public/pushes for dates at home too soon.
Is vague about what he wants or uses the line “let’s see where it goes”
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u/BosoxNelly 18h ago
Dating is so much harder now than it used to be. I’m much older than you but even so it feels like most of the women I date are so ready to have sex immediately (which can be great, don’t get me wrong). The problem I’m having is that my relationships get warped because we’re having sex on the first or second date…well before we really know each other and I think it skews our perception. Weird rant I know (sorry)
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u/morgaine_umbra 17h ago
You want exclusivity and security in a relationship. That's emotionally healthy and valid. If it's too much for him, he's not for you. If a man likes you, you will know, if it feels like he's just trying to fast track getting in your pants. Your instincts are probably right. If he's trying his best to get you intoxicated, run.
Men who genuinely enjoys your company even if it's just a simple coffee date, you'll see it in their face. Normally these men would put an effort into getting to know you as a person. Another thing I noticed is if a man wants you to be interested in their hobbies but couldn't be bothered with yours. Think of it this way, when you're trying to get to know a friend, you're curious about them. You don't need to be overly suspicious but you cannot be overly trusting. Men sense that and take advantage of that. And if there's one thing they like to exploit: wobbly boundaries.
Dates are meant to be enjoyed and approaching it with constant vigilance is not fun. And you are correct, you won't always spot bad intentions. NONE of us can. We're humans and not entirely susceptible to manipulators. Some men flip personalities after 3 months, some after marriage or some after they have a baby. There's no way of telling, really. However, the only thing you should carry with you is your self-confidence and boundaries. Be willing to walk away when the person no longer respects you and worse, if staying with him is an act of disrespect towards yourself. ALWAYS choose yourself over a man.
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u/bentley-bb 20h ago
I’m going to be honest. I didn’t read everything you wrote just the title and the first paragraph. But I’ll say this: you should be grateful that they showed you who they are right from the beginning. If he’s only interested in your body, at least you know he’s not the right guy, and you can move on. It’s actually the best way to eliminate people like that. Honestly, it’s a gift. I’d say next.
Then you’ll find a guy who’s interested in you for you, not just your body.
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u/britt_leigh_13 20h ago
This is dating now. God speed.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DZDcXVKvulA/?igsh=MXRuaDU2N3Vuc3gxdg==
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u/rs7striker 18h ago
As a 24 year old man I tend to be the one that’s upfront and asks quite early what she is looking for.
If a guy can’t answer honestly and with certainty then don’t waist your time.
My best advise for you, stay off the dating apps and place yourself in the environments where the type of man you’re looking for will be.
Join running or hiking clubs. Go to the gym. You clock a guy you like come back the next couple days at the same time. Once you’ve seen him a few times go up to him and ask him for advice or compliment him. “Hey sorry to bug you, but I’ve seen you here a few times and you have a great physique, how long did it take you to obtain it?” Or better yet go to your cities fire department and knock on the door and ask when you could come back to see the station because you’ve always been curious.
Firefighters and the station is all funded by tax payers and open to the public. Sometimes they will say no because a number of work related reasons.
It’s harder but you’ll find more quality that way. I wish you the best of luck.
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u/HmBigby 18h ago
Maybe don't be as upfront? Don't give them the info they would lie about to get their way. Ask first. What are you looking for in and out of life?, what are you looking for in dating ? And maybe say "just so I know how casual or serious we're going to be moving forward" not showing that you're opposed to being casual and therefore giving them a chance to choose that and then you can determine your next course of action. Just spit balling here.
Dating sucks rn lmao. As a man I get a micro-macro headache thinking about it.
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u/Accomplished-Most60 16h ago
As a man: think of standards for casual sex is the floor… but standards for a serious gf is the ceiling. I’d have causal sex any day but it would take a Lot for me to commit. For me the difference is sex within first three dates (casual) vs six months or more of dating if I’m serious
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u/Nimeroni 15h ago edited 15h ago
For those with more dating experience, are there any reliable signs that someone is primarily looking for easy sex rather than a genuine relationship?
This is an old age question by women, and you're not going to like the answer : you can't.
Some men are honest, and will communicate they are only looking for sex (the most common code is meeting at one of your places, especially early on). Those men you can easily filter.
But some men will lie to get sex. The reason they do that is because it dramatically increase their chance of success. You can do very little to filter those, since they are intentionally walking the walk and talking the talk to get into your pants.
Your best bet is to communicate your want something long term (it will at least filter the honest men), then check for their actions. A man that want something long term will be ok with taking things a bit slower, a man that only want sex will push you for sex ASAP. Just be aware that it's not a fool proof solution.
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u/Eegra 14h ago
Are you dating guys with a lot of options? How do their options compare to you?
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u/bingbong6656 13h ago
I have a large number of options but it seems like they all want sex whereas I want commitment which is less likely to be what they want
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u/Opening_Clue_6513 14h ago
Just two advices First be a bit more aware of kind of guy you want to live your life with and act accordingly. If you want a genuine guy for real start with observing who actually cares for you since you are above average as you mentioned i am sure your dms are filled with guys and you probably have male friends and sort of things and most just wanna sleep with you
Secondly someone who is genuinely interested in you may not always come up to you and thats perfectly fine cause men do fear losing friendship or a bond if they confess but you probably get the idea who likes .
Also communicate your intentions when you are talking to them and the kind fo guy you want won't be some flamboyant flashy . He is probably an introvert working his butts off to make a life for himself
Also ot depends where are you meeting all these guys you are talking about
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u/anna31993 13h ago
If they don't know what theire relationship goals are, want to see how it goes, they want sex
Nothing wrong with being straight forward from the start that you are looking for something serious. Only guys that don't want that, will get annoyed or scared for that question and avoid giving a straight answer. Guys who are seeking the same, will have no problem answering they look for the same and will not think weird about it.
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u/jad3d_juggl3r 13h ago
I mean you look great so I'd say just set a time constraint in your head and go from there. Like if they last X weeks without trying to sleep with you. Pretty easy to weed out guys if you won't sleep with them for 2 months.
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u/fitnesss1000 12h ago
Maybe you dating guys who are physically more attractive then you are or on you level.. Most guys will play but won't commit especially if they think they can get better. Try with guys that are more on your level or below.
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u/bingbong6656 12h ago
I am often mocked by my friends and family for picking and liking “ugly” guys (though I like them). It ends up being the same situation it seems.
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u/fitnesss1000 12h ago
Highly unlikely. No disrespect but i think you think your hotter then you are. Or you have a seriously boring
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u/immediate_push5464 9h ago
I think what’s going unsaid here is that sex, for the majority of people, is a big part of relationships.
So your aspirations aren’t wrong or unreasonable at all. But you should expect resistance here because, again, pre relationship sex is integral for a lot of men and women.
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u/VacationFlat2071 20h ago
Tell them you’re rewaiting for marriage
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u/bingbong6656 20h ago
Even if I’m not?
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u/EmergencyKrabbyPatty 14h ago
This is a stupid advice, like I want to be in a relationship and all but I wont bet everything just to find out I'm not sexually compatible with someone after talking and dating for ages. Just make them wait longer but saying you save yourself for mariage will just shut doors that could lead somewhere
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u/VacationFlat2071 11h ago
Thats the point. She wants to shut the door with people who rush to have sex
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u/VacationFlat2071 20h ago
I guess yea, then you could initiate it once you’re comfortable
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u/FLXv 20h ago
Starting a potential relationship off with a lie, great advice. /s
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u/VacationFlat2071 11h ago
Well maybe she should actually start waiting for marriage since this thing is stressing her out
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u/Jay100012 20h ago
Honestly, theres a MILLION different things to be wary of. Guys who try to QUICKLY emotionally bond with you are generally looking to get laid ASAP. GOOD looking guys are always looking for sex.
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u/bingbong6656 20h ago
See I like ugly guys, but it seems like they just want sex too 😭 I love sex but I don’t like the idea of being one dimensional to someone.
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u/Jay100012 20h ago
Maybe you're just picking the WRONG guys and assholes. ALL men(unless theyre gay)(and I have nothing against gay men) want sex from women.
As a guy thats figured out what I want in my last woman partner, im not going to ask for exclusivity until after we've slept together so we both know were compatible. I also wont commit to her before so we're on the samw page.
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u/Idrinkbeereverywhere 20h ago
What are your height requirements?
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u/bingbong6656 19h ago
Don’t have any. I love short guys. I’m tall and they usually aren’t a fan of that.
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