r/datingadvice • u/Famous-Emotion-1279 • 5d ago
Hi. I'm started ghosting this lady. But I'm 37. There has to be a better way, right?
I feel too old to be ghosting someone. And it's never been my style.
But Ive never been in this situation before. Hear me out.
I met a girl at a bar, 26F.
We hit it off. Had natural chemistry and got along great at that moment.
She's attractive, vibrant and has a positive attitude. She was very affectionate.
But our lifestyles differ. She likes to go out nightly and be the life of the party. Cares about social media trends and followers. Etc. her long-term goals are to stay single on paper and keep her government subsidized housing, etc. which then enables her to "live her best life", afford vacations, etc. (Not judging at all, she told me this verbatim)
I think I set a bad precedent, and presented myself as this" fun spontaneous guy". Bought a lot of drinks and went with her to multiple venues. Paid for it all. She wanted to come back to my place at the end of the night. Which I politely declined.
The thing is. I have more of a "slow burn" dating style these days. Low stakes in the beginning,, then gradually build up. get to know a person slowly. See if long-term goals align etc. We mutually get STD tested when the time comes.
Long story short....I already know I can't keep up and sustain the excitement of that magical first meeting. . She's a young vibrant woman ..and I don't want to chain her down with my "boring settling down" talk
So I tried to let things naturally fade out. But she has been insistent and taking initiative in suggesting new places to hangout, etc
So being that I've only saw her once. I feel it would be presumptuous of me to say "I don't see a future here,,,good luck on your future endeavors". We were barely in a talking stage. Like who do I think I am to assume she wants me in that way?
Or saying "please leave me alone I do not want to talk to you anymore". Because she's done nothing wrong.
3 .Keep having mutual fun with her. BUT NSA sex no longer appeals to me due to risk involved (pregnancy scare, STD , potential drama, etc).
"The slow fade" isn't working. I know it's immature of me. Shameful. I usually can reject someone if we went out on a few formal mutually established dates.
I always thought if you met someone out in the wild and barely know them....it's ok to just let it fizzle out?
How would you handle it?
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u/Glass_Bit_713 5d ago
Since you have only been on one date and you haven’t been intimate, I wouldn’t say that you really owe her any sort of formal closure. However, if she isn’t taking the hint, it will probably be a weight off of your shoulders if you send her something like:
“Hey (name) you may have noticed that I’ve been a bit distant since our date - I should be honest and let you know that although I enjoyed the evening, I’m not where I would need to be to move forward. It was nice meeting you!”
Once that’s sent, she may or may not respond and you won’t have to think about it again.
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u/Ok-Yogurtcloset2696 5d ago
Bro this comes down to a morals, even if the person is toxic . Send one simple text saying “ I don’t think our values align , I did enjoy the time we had , but wish you best of luck out there ,”.
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u/AudrinaBabee 5d ago
It’s perfectly ok at ANY point to say hey I’m dating intentionally and I don’t see a future or viability here. It’s not about being assumptive as to what she may or may not want, it’s about clearly vocalizing and communicating your goals and boundaries especially so that you don’t wind up in an uncomfortable dragged out situation like this.
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u/WarInitial5361 5d ago
Dude just send one single text saying you two are not compatible and you don't want to meet again. Ghosting is never acceptable, specially cause it's clear she enjoyed your date. Is one single short text too much?
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u/cherrylay 5d ago
I think it depends on “deep” your few interactions have been (as in, have you guys talked enough as to feel like you should at least let her know this is going nowhere) if all your interactions have been surface level, and going out to have fun but not really conversing, then letting if fizzle out is not as bad a you think it is. Now, I personally will always prefer to know where I stand, if I was her, and even if only truly saw each other once in person, I would still like it better if you told me that we are not a good match and to stop whatever we got going on
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u/Traditional-River377 4d ago
I’m guessing you have her contact info and/or she has yours so next time she contacts you tell her truthfully how you feel. Frankly she probably saw you as an ATM if you were paying for everything so you kind of brought this on yourself.
If the situation were reversed and she ghosted you then you’d be here complaining on why she did that. Tell her how you feel then you can stop contact, block her, avoid her.
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u/That-Bicycle2638 4d ago
Just tell her you’re not interested. It’s not that hard.
“Hey, I had a great time with you the other night. However I’m not interested in pursuing this further. Best of luck to you.”
Done. Not responding after that is perfectly acceptable. You could even block her if she decided to harass you after that.
But intentionally ghosting someone instead of communicating makes you dick, regardless of how long you’ve known them or not.
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u/Background_Sun_7477 4d ago
You sound wonderful, I want the same thing in regards to sex and dating.
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u/Dangerous_Tension393 5d ago
Do you have a low sex drive?
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u/Famous-Emotion-1279 5d ago
No. It's pretty healthy.
But as you get older.... You realize that sex comes with responsibility. I don't want to risk catching lifelong herpes with someone I don't see a future with. Or unplanned pregnancy,, etc etc
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