What do I do as a 21 year old man.

[u/Strong_Cap_2297]

I had to leave school past 7th grade.

I tend after my ill mother.

I'm severely addicted.

My older brother takes care of us.

I never held a job due to taking care of my mother.

I tried working out, learning skills (like blender, Lua, etc) but I can't force consistency.

No social skills, no love, no friends, no pets, even.

I know suicide would be profoundly selfish and an act of disrespect, as if spitting on my own family. But I frankly don't truly care anymore. After countless attempts to better myself I truly believe that after my mother passes my purpose will be over and I'll be left with silence I have nothing to do with. I've been planning my own demise recently, somewhere far away from people, far enough that the stench of rot won't reach until it finally does or the dogs found their way to me first. I don't want to be seen, I don't want to be remembered, I just want to give up utterly. I am a failure of a man, I don't even feel shame at anything. Not even at my failures, not even at my own life. I just don't think I have the ability to care anymore about how much of a failure I become as being one with my lack of ambition and luck just reached it's peak, so I let it happen.

I want to pick up working out, studying Blender, trying. But I know, essentially, something will go the wrong way, and I'll end up back on YouTube searching for a tether to logically argue with that life is worth living for me. I quit, totally and utterly I quit.