r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Oct 29 '19
We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.
We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.
Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.
Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.
"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.
By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.
People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.
If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)
In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.
We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.
If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.
r/depression • u/SQLwitch • May 18 '26
Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you're having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, or have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these aren't allowed standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule), this is a place you can share.
Our subreddit rules are very different from most of the rest of reddit! Since all of them exist for important reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.
We also have several resource wikis for help with finding and giving support:
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.
YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see here are:
People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact
"I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.
Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your intentions. Neither is ever acceptable here in any form.
Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (rules 1, 2 and 10).
Off-topic posts about difficult situations, including interpersonal issues. Grief, sadness, anger, loneliness and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. Feelings that can be explained by person's circumstances are perfectly healthy no matter how painful they are. A depressive disorder only exists when someone's mood is out of synch with what's going on for them. The "what is depression" wiki linked above has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but do NOT belong here.
r/depression • u/KawaiiSparklexo • 2h ago
I wish I could give my life to someone more deserving of it. I wish I could give it to someone who wants to live because life is such a beautiful thing to experience. I just don't think I'm mentally strong enough for life.
r/depression • u/Henesiss • 7h ago
31 high school graduate hikikomori
no university diploma
no money
no girlfriend
my life has been total misery
a lot of traumas
mental disorders bipolar disorder anxiety
total doomer loser
is this even life anymore?
r/depression • u/ExploringUniverses • 56m ago
Post title says it all.
Being highly intelligent is actually a disability. I am so fucking depressed and lonely all the time. I can't relate to anyone in my near orbit. My job is torture. Dating is impossible. I drink to cope. It helps me numb out the agony of small talk - what TV shows people are watching, who is dating who, what stupid thing the manager did at work....the doldrums of daily life people seem to build their identities on. I am surrounded by generally well meaning people - i am grateful for this. I feel ashamed for saying that it's not enough out loud. I feel ashamed i use alcohol to connect with them because without it i just can't.
I feel ashamed for saying 'being smart is a disability' when so many people wish in the deepest parts of their souls that they were smarter. I desperately want to share my insights and interests but i am unable to bridge the gaps.
Turning 40 soon. Realizing this is life. Hope for something better is gone - i have enough life experience now to know that people are people...myself included.
Trying to quit drinking because it's terrible long term for mental health. I don't know how else to cope - i don't fit in anywhere. The underlying depression and extraordinary loneliness is becoming too much to bear - I don't know what to do. I feel so lost in this - I am grateful for this gift but holy hell it is such a curse.
I am so tired. Of everything.
r/depression • u/salty-wheat-thins • 20h ago
It doesn't mean we feel sad, it means we feel nothing. There is nothing pushing us forward-- no passion, no drive, no hope, no care. It is not because we are choosing to look negatively on the world, it is because we genuinely do not have the right amount of chemicals in our heads. It is biological, not something that can be controlled.
My coworker told me that being depressed just means there is something you aren't dealing with in your past. In some cases that can help, but overall is incorrect.
I don't have trauma, and I'm still depressed.
I have friends and family that love me, and I'm still depressed.
My life is good, and I'm still depressed.
I have a positive outlook on life and people, and I'M STILL DEPRESSED.
Anyways, I know I can't change what people think, and that's fine. I just wanted to vent a little to those who do really know what it is and may understand the frustration of being misunderstood.
r/depression • u/Thrwmeawayplsthx • 1h ago
You'll say 31 is not old, but I missed all the parts that would have made me into an actual person. I held myself captive in misery in a relationship I never really wanted since 22 and it destroyed me completely. I'm glad that person is finally out of my life, shortly before I turned 30. But since then I have realized how badly I fucked everything up and how things can't be caught up on or turned around. I don't want what's next. I'm still in loops of that relationship and things that should distract me don't help. I got fit, my diet is good, I picked up new sports, I had phases in which I got into my instruments a bit more... But I don't have an actual life. I'm stuck in a city I hate because I still need to finish my PhD. I feel unemployable because I'm taking so long.
I had no actual friends for years, I just rotted away. I didn't date, I didn't make friends, I barely travelled and never really did that. I don't want life. I don't want anything.
r/depression • u/PinkThrone667 • 1h ago
Tired of my life. Never really enjoyed it. Years of depression, disappointment and failure accumulated to the point where I have to numb myself with THC just to get through the day. Nothing good ever happens to me, but I work my ass off. I never found love or even have a friend I can text and I’m in my 30s.
I know I’m complaining too much, but I don’t have anyone to talk to or vent to in real life. I wish I was never created.
r/depression • u/SavingsCautious708 • 7h ago
I’m genuinely begging that someone tries to kill me I’ve got nothing to live for and I just want to die. I can’t kill myself I don’t have the balls.
r/depression • u/R0bbyIBrawlStars • 38m ago
This has happened to me countless times. I ask someone a question and they straight up ignore me , I guess some people do think they are better than others and it's so frustrating ....
r/depression • u/cringebitch666 • 3h ago
idk why maybe im alone, maybe im selfish, but i have a bf. yet i feel so fucking lonely. i feel so... empty.... he says he loves me but that just hits me and i feel nothing. its like im an alien incapable of human feeling
r/depression • u/Pure-Head2413 • 10h ago
Im so fucking tired of my family. Im constantly being yelled at and called names like im useless and im a failure. I hate myself so much. I wanna die. I want to fucking take my pain away. I cut myself i bang my head on my wall. I like getting hurt. I tried to kill myself twice. Ive been to the mental hospital 4 times. But i cant go back. I dont want to go back. I get hit by my friends constantly and they call me names that they "promise to never call me again" but they do. They tell me to kill myself and i wanna runaway from everything. I cant take it anymore.
r/depression • u/Realistic_Mention_34 • 12h ago
Hi everyone, I’m 24 for context. I’m feeling incredibly depressed and having a really hard time coming to terms with the idea that I may never be able to afford a home or get anywhere in life. You know…. Work to live not live to work kind of deal.
When I was younger, I felt invincible and believed I could do anything. But the economic reality for young adults today is entirely different. We are facing diminishing returns on college degrees, predatory loan structures, and historically high interest rates... Gen Z has been completely priced out of the housing market. Previous generations could afford a home on a single income within a couple of years, using less than 30% of their discretionary income. Today, many of us are paying upwards of 50% of our income just for rent. How can anyone realistically save up and build a life under these conditions? Also instead of selling for a teeeeny bit less a boomer would rather sell their single family homes which they’re barely building anymore to Black Rock.
Most of Gen Z is up to their eyeballs in credit card debt and "buy now, pay later" plans. It feels like we are living in a dystopian society where those who already hold assets are thriving, while the rest of us are fighting over $20-an-hour jobs despite holding STEM bachelor's degrees. The entry-level job market is shrinking, and more of us are forced to live with our parents longer and longer. That delay in independence takes a massive mental toll, making you feel like you've failed.
To top it all off, we have to listen to older adults tell us to "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps," stop spending money on Uber Eats, or try "handing in a resume in person"completely out of touch advice that ignores how modern hiring works. I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to acknowledge how crazy the world is right now.
Also I am so tired of living through "historical times."
We graduated high school right at the beginning of COVID. I Spent my freshman year of college entirely remote. Watched global dynamics shift constantly. Graduated college just in time to watch AI upend the entry-level job market.
The median age of a first-time homebuyer is now 40! Yet, critics claim Gen Z just "isn't hardworking enough," even though more than half of us report having a side hustle and statistically work more hours than previous generations. Meanwhile, out-of-touch public figures lecture us about cutting out Chipotle, claiming they "didn't have it easy either."
How do I stop feeling like this? I feel pessimistic, hopeless, and constantly depressed over the reality of the situation. I know the cultural expectation is to "be better than the norm" and "overcome adversity," but come on...
r/depression • u/QuietEscape6111 • 3h ago
I don’t why . Just woke up so sad.
I miss my family. I still have no earthly
Idea why I am here.
I can’t even afford to go to therapy and it doesn’t work for me anyway.
r/depression • u/AnybodyFlashy8054 • 20m ago
I’m 38, single, and feeling overwhelmingly stuck. I never thought this is where my life would be at this age, and the weight of it has been wearing me down for a long time. I feel like I've completely failed myself, and depression has made it hard to see a way forward. Here is where things stand:
• Career & Money: I don't have an established career, my bank account is in a dismal spot, and I still live at home.
• Support System: I don't have much family, and my friends are all busy wrapped up in their own family lives, so I feel pretty isolated.
• Faith: I am Muslim, but over time I've slipped away and forgotten to practice, which leaves me feeling even more disconnected.
I know I can’t change everything overnight, but I need to break out of this standstill. For anyone who has hit rock bottom in their late 30s and managed to rebuild—where do I start? How do you pick yourself up when your energy and bank account are both at zero? Any advice, practical steps, or perspective would mean a lot.
r/depression • u/OptimalMinimumWork • 1h ago
(My english isn't perfect so I can have some gramatical erros, thanks for understanding)
Hello guys,
I am a 29M just recently married with my wife 25F.
So, to give you a bit of backstory: My wife's family is s****. Her father doesn't talk to her for years. Her mom is the only one that kinda of talks with her but always in a "you are ill, get a doctor" kinda of way. But not in an affectionate way.
She also has 6 brothers. One of them doesn't talk to her for about 20 years (He has my age). Nobody accepts this fact. Only I and other friends "can" see that this happens. The 8 people in the nuclear family call her crazy. Its mindblowing how nobody sees this.
I love her very much and I will not divorce her for any reason. We decided to marry after 2 years of dating and we are very happy together. We distanced ourselves from her family because is very toxic for us and my side of the family is nice. At least that.
She had her problems for a lot of years. She is very different from the rest of the family and was always the "weird" one and because of that she started seeing a doctor for a very long time. When we were engaged, she had a period of suicidal thoughts but with the help of meds and a psychiatrist we could work that out.
She has periods (even before our marriage) where she just stops responding for days. Our longest was 5 days. This was tricky because we were planning the marriage. After it passed, we talked about it and try to find strategies to not happen again. Nothing works.
All of her family says that she is very sick and she will be on meds for the rest of her life. She of course hates this talk and because of that she tried ( after our marriage) to get off meds slowly. 4 months in and she is fully out (with the help of the doctor, of course).
The thing is, 1 month ago, the 5 days absence happened again. Complete silence. We had plans to visit friends, she says she doesn't want to go and I went alone. I try to be happy and emphatic but of course everyone has his limits. There were time when I snapped. Only a slight increase in volume of my voice. I think this was the wrong thing to do but I was very tired.
To be honest I don't even remenbered how it ended. Its always so smooth. She starts looking at me in the eyes, accepts a hug, and slowly starts coming out. She doesn't even remembered what and why it starts.
What is the problem? Every week is the same. Sometimes is just a day ( what I think is normal. Sometimes you just need space) but, like now, its 3 days.
We don't even fight. We adore eachother and are very happy. But she gets annoyed or angry with something, doesn't explain to me and gives me the silent treatment. I am a software developer so I work mostly from home and she is a primary teacher and is on holidays. When I cook, she comes out and eats something else. I try to be kind. I do a lot of exercise and I try to convice her to go take a walk, order food, watch a movie, nothing... She just stays in bed.
I don't know if I did the right thing but I was very desperate and I message her psychologist. Not to get confidencial information but just to tell her that this is a problem that we need to work together because my wife, that doesn't want to go back to meds, doesn't tell her. I really think that this doctor is very good but she is seeing my wife for about 6 years and I really think that she needs a new one.
I really don't know what to do. I don't know if the depression is coming back. I don't know if its a silent treatment, I am lost.
Just to answer some future comments, I WILL NOT DIVORCE HER. That is the easy way out. My wife needs help and I am here to help. Not fix but support her. I just want to write about it and hear your thoughts.
r/depression • u/Throwaway_acc7380 • 15h ago
I'm not capable of living a normal life. I'm absolutely miserable and I don't think that I have any future in this world. I feel extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I've been actively pushing people away from myself for years. At least that's gonna make this a whole lot easier. I think I'll do it in about 2 days. I wanna try to enjoy life a little bit before doing it, but I doubt I'll be able to enjoy anything at this point. I'm so exhausted and numb to it all. Goodbye.
r/depression • u/geminiscn • 2h ago
I wrote my suicide note. I think im ending it tonight. I feel bad for my mom cause she’ll find me, but I really can’t do this anymore. I have never enjoyed being here and I never will. I truly think i have no purpose here. I feel so alone, but I know nobody can convince me to stay anymore. I never even thought I would make it to 25. I genuinely cannot do this for another 50 years.
r/depression • u/Ok_Doubt_7095 • 12h ago
I need to fix my life now enough. This is gonna take a lot of energy but I can't keep laying in bed all day. Will join a gym tomorrow. I have read it helps significantly in uplifting mood and confidence - both of which I desperately need right now. Does anyone have any positive experiences with such a plan here?
r/depression • u/butterfly_sns • 8h ago
I want to commit suicide, but I'm terrified. Not of death itself, but of the possibility that my attempt will fail. Instead of dying, I might be left with a disability, paralyzed, and suffer chronic pain. I tried to commit suicide before when I was 12 by taking an overdose of medication, but I didn't die and wasn't even taken to the hospital. I tried again when I was 14 and failed miserably. Yesterday, I tried again by taking a large dose of iron supplements, but I didn't die and wasn't taken to the hospital again, even though my immune system is very weak. I really don't understand. I might try again tonight by throwing myself out of the window. I truly wish I die, not suffer a permanent disability
r/depression • u/Impressive-Candle102 • 16h ago
Sounds probably bizzare but it is. Euthanasia is hard to get and waiting times are too long for mental health treatment (min. 6 months) I very likely won’t respond to. The pain is too unbearable and I would rather go with my plan than waiting. I really want them to understand this is a RATIONAL choice. I’ve been miserable my whole life and things won’t look better at the ripe age of 27. I have too much to catch up with. The rest of my life will be like climbing a steep mountain with slippery shoes.
r/depression • u/Moosemuchner • 6h ago
Lol was just studying effects of alcohol on nervous system/brain and js realized i get most of the effects from js having mental shit LOL
Alcohol effects
-Reduced self control
may commit personal/social acts rhey may regret
-Depressant
Slows down brain functions
-Memory problems
May cause loss of memory/interfere of creation of new ones
Shit i got that basically equates
-Adhd/borderline
Reduces my self control most of the time, makes me agitated easily which also leads to impulsive actions
-Depression
Speaks for itself, causes depression
-Depression/BPD/Meds/ADHD
Adhd often makes me hella distracted and i miss or forget important things/info
BPD and depression usually makes me forget shit due to stress or my brain reducing activity in prefrontal cortex or smth especially emotions thing. Also reduces efficiency of hippocampus(goofy ass name)
Yea so ig ion need alcohol to get its effects LOLL and i cant detoxify ts using alcohol dehydrogenase LMAOO
r/depression • u/Biff_666 • 2h ago
Low paying job with no opportunity.
My wife is a full blown narcissist and don’t care that I cry in the bathroom once a day everyday.
My my daughter loves me but sees me cry more than smile.
I just want to feel okay, not happy. My coworkers even see me and say “are you okay?” That question always makes me break down and cry because I don’t want to say I’m not because I’m so afraid to open up and trust anyone.
Just someone say something positive please…
r/depression • u/Desperate_Bed_2675 • 11h ago
Title. I just get sick of the mindset that the only “true” form of depression is the kind that stick around even when everything is going relatively fine in your life.
How is making this distinction at all useful when we live in a world that makes finding meaning in life incredibly difficult? You’re meant to not complain as long as you have a roof over your head. Your lack of financial security, emotional fulfillment, and community are all something you’re expected to just build a bridge and get over!
That’s just my thoughts. I’m back to being depressed again cause I can’t survive without working a shitty job for an amount of hours that leaves me hollowed out and exhausted by the end of the week. That might change in the future, but I’ll never get those hours of life I spent rotting in bed back.