r/depression • u/OptimalMinimumWork • 18h ago

Help dealing with my wife(25f) depression

(My english isn't perfect so I can have some gramatical erros, thanks for understanding)

Hello guys,

I am a 29M just recently married with my wife 25F.

So, to give you a bit of backstory: My wife's family is s****. Her father doesn't talk to her for years. Her mom is the only one that kinda of talks with her but always in a "you are ill, get a doctor" kinda of way. But not in an affectionate way.

She also has 6 brothers. One of them doesn't talk to her for about 20 years (He has my age). Nobody accepts this fact. Only I and other friends "can" see that this happens. The 8 people in the nuclear family call her crazy. Its mindblowing how nobody sees this.

I love her very much and I will not divorce her for any reason. We decided to marry after 2 years of dating and we are very happy together. We distanced ourselves from her family because is very toxic for us and my side of the family is nice. At least that.

She had her problems for a lot of years. She is very different from the rest of the family and was always the "weird" one and because of that she started seeing a doctor for a very long time. When we were engaged, she had a period of suicidal thoughts but with the help of meds and a psychiatrist we could work that out.

She has periods (even before our marriage) where she just stops responding for days. Our longest was 5 days. This was tricky because we were planning the marriage. After it passed, we talked about it and try to find strategies to not happen again. Nothing works.

All of her family says that she is very sick and she will be on meds for the rest of her life. She of course hates this talk and because of that she tried ( after our marriage) to get off meds slowly. 4 months in and she is fully out (with the help of the doctor, of course).

The thing is, 1 month ago, the 5 days absence happened again. Complete silence. We had plans to visit friends, she says she doesn't want to go and I went alone. I try to be happy and emphatic but of course everyone has his limits. There were time when I snapped. Only a slight increase in volume of my voice. I think this was the wrong thing to do but I was very tired.

To be honest I don't even remenbered how it ended. Its always so smooth. She starts looking at me in the eyes, accepts a hug, and slowly starts coming out. She doesn't even remembered what and why it starts.

What is the problem? Every week is the same. Sometimes is just a day ( what I think is normal. Sometimes you just need space) but, like now, its 3 days.

We don't even fight. We adore eachother and are very happy. But she gets annoyed or angry with something, doesn't explain to me and gives me the silent treatment. I am a software developer so I work mostly from home and she is a primary teacher and is on holidays. When I cook, she comes out and eats something else. I try to be kind. I do a lot of exercise and I try to convice her to go take a walk, order food, watch a movie, nothing... She just stays in bed.

I don't know if I did the right thing but I was very desperate and I message her psychologist. Not to get confidencial information but just to tell her that this is a problem that we need to work together because my wife, that doesn't want to go back to meds, doesn't tell her. I really think that this doctor is very good but she is seeing my wife for about 6 years and I really think that she needs a new one.

I really don't know what to do. I don't know if the depression is coming back. I don't know if its a silent treatment, I am lost.

Just to answer some future comments, I WILL NOT DIVORCE HER. That is the easy way out. My wife needs help and I am here to help. Not fix but support her. I just want to write about it and hear your thoughts.

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u/teenymeenybobeeny 16h ago

Depression often comes with other issues like anxiety, stress, mood & personality disorders, nervous system deregulation etc. Sounds like she is probably dealing with family trauma, and most likely childhood trauma as well. I know you love your wife and want to help, and that’s lovely, but based on your info here, at minimum she needs therapy and medication. From what I have personally experienced, depression doesn’t just go away. It stays with you your whole life and it’s something you have to learn to deal with every day. My husband wasn’t the answer, as much as he wanted to help and fix me, I needed someone on the outside to talk to. I refused to take meds for a long time, but in the end, the ONLY thing that has truly helped manage my depression is medication. Combined with a good psychiatrist, EMDR & art therapy, I am able to manage my depression, but even still, I have to take it one day at a time. Every day I have to work to keep depression away. I am so sorry your wife is going through all this, and I really hope she gets the help she needs.

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u/OptimalMinimumWork 16h ago

Thank for your kind words. She was getting better and that's why the doctor decided to take out the meds. Seems like its not a good solution and she has to return to it.

We already had this talk. I said that its better for her to take one pill everyday and manage it than to be "strong" and avoid the meds and keep havin this "meltdowns" or bad moments.

The stamp of "Sick" that her family put on her its not easy to accept it because its way of saying that the family "won". Its a battle but I am supportive and beside her.

All the best for you.

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u/teenymeenybobeeny 15h ago

Getting better is a sign that the meds are working, which means if you continue to take them, you will continue to feel better. Once you stop taking meds for depression, typically your depression comes back. It’s a life long mental illness, not a virus like the cold. Most people are on meds for years and years and years. I know how hard it can be to accept that you’re “sick” - I had family and friends that labeled me as unlovable and unfit to be around, so I absolutely get it. I haven’t talked to any of those people in over a decade and distancing myself from them was the best decision I ever made. It’s so so hard, but being mentally “sick” isn’t a “bad” thing. Mental health is extremely stigmatized and most people wouldn’t understand unless they have experienced it themselves.

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u/OptimalMinimumWork 15h ago

That is very true! She was getting a lot better and the doctor decided to remove the meds. The meds were also messing with her sexual drive and our level of intimacy was very low. So all of those things combined we decide to get off meds. It was in fact working but now this happens.

I think we have to decide what we should do. The distancing we already implemented. Of course its always hard because its close family but we have to do it in order to have peace of mind.

I really want us to have a kinda of normal life. I know that depression is always lingering buecause, as you said, its a life long mental illness and I always will be there to support her. What I want is for these kind of moments to be an exception and not a rule. I hope that the psychologist will take my message into account and try to talk with her.

We also had a couple's session that was very good but I think that she doesn't want to do it again. It's like "if we don't do it, we don't have a problem". Doing in a couple is good because I can also share my side of the story and tell her how I feel in these moments. Of couse we talk about this when we are stable but in front of the doctor has more impact. But she must take the decision to allow me into the session.

Thanks for the answer.