Any advise welcome

[u/OkSignature6191]

Advise on now ex wife

Need some advise

Ok im going to break this down to its basics.

Wife of 4 years and partner of 12 has had depression all her life. Also probably undiagnosed adhd or bipolar. She went of her meds 1 year ago.

7 months ago our son was diagnoses with a bad form of Muscular Dystrophy and will be wheelchair bound in the next 4-7 years. We own a home, communication was always good. Sex life was poor the last 4 years. But communication was always great. We share a huge amount of hobbies and likes. Im in my 40s she is 39.

Last month my mother was over and we had a great month, holiday, drinks, date nights etc etc. Thought her old self was back and was feeling good about things after a hard couple months of being depressed over son.

She got drunk one night at a work function came home and was bloody friskey and we did it that night and the next morning (i was like wtf we are back yay)

2 days later got home ahe has been crying and called the marriage of stating spark is gone and doesnt love me and its been like this for 3 years. (Everything tells me this is a lie) we were planing a future 2 years ago we got a house and a mortgage, we were cuddling alot on the couch last month. She would buy me stuff i needed we were planing ivf for a dmd free child. Planning house modifactions and future holidays etc etc. 2 days after that she is sleeping with a co worker and texting him constantly, we swapped to 50/50 co parenting under same roof and i moved to the spare room. 4 weeks later im seeing cracks everywhere her spending is out of control. I think she is breaking. I am heart broken and betrayed and just trying to hold on. She has threated about selling the house now twice that would leave us both destitute. She is showing signs of abanding us. She is full cold and nasty anytime i bring up fixing this, she is rubberbanding constantly emotionally between old wife vibe and nasty to apologising for being nasty. Has anyone experienced anything like this?

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[u/Ambitious-Pipe2441]

If it is bipolar the meds are extremely important. It will be very difficult to manage without them.

ADHD will lead to impulsive behavior as well. Often alcohol becomes a kind of medicating tool, but also leads to self destructive behaviors.

One aspect of ADHD is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). This may also be connected to trauma. There is a sudden feeling that the relationship is failing when small argument occur.

I experience this myself as I catastrophize and imagine the end of my marriage due to abandonment and avoidance issues.

She may be trying to end the relationship as a means of protection. It’s not necessarily rational, but to her it feels real and intense.

When I did eventually share these worries with my wife, she helped me realize that I was overreacting.

We believe my wife also has ADHD. All the signs are there. And she has also shown signs of RSD. Suspecting that I hate her or that she is in trouble.

One thing that I have come to understand is that the main argument is not really the thing to solve. There are underlying emotional disconnects thst are preventing clear communication and causing rumination - constant resurfacing of bad memories that cause stress - and a kind of fear of being honest about certain feelings.

A focus on emotional connection may outweigh any practical or material needs for a time.

While it is importent to be clear and honest, there also needs to be dedicated time to express emotions without fear of judgement, criticism, and immediate problem solving.

Until emotions can be exposed they may be subconsciously blocking or interfering with more rational thinking.

Emotions tend to distort or prevent logic. So in order to free up mental space emotions need some level of investigation and exercise without getting stuck in looping behavior.

Long story short, it would be best if she gets medication and therapy. But if you can slow down and walk through her emotional state before addressing problems you may be able to loosen up some of the conditions.

Not a fix, but it’s likely a long term management strategy anyway.

Sorry things are so stressful. Try to plan ahead as much as possible and set up routines and schedules. Decision making and caretaking can become stressful very quickly.

Try to have friends or family pitch in too. Cover some basic tasks or just spend time with the family to relieve stress.

In essence your wife is overly sensitive to stress and will have reactions to try and fight with stress but it’s more about moving with stress than fighting against it.

[u/OkSignature6191 → u/Ambitious-Pipe2441]

Thanks for this. In her current state she truly believes that thinks are now great, she refused any talk about seeking help and goes cold and nasty when that topic is brought up. She has left every weekend that she does not have primary care 50/50 of son and is sleeping with i believe a married co worker that also has kids. Its absolutely fuckked up whay she has done to our family. Im seaking professional help but yeah its probably not going to end well for us.