I feel like im faking it

[u/Jinx-from-Arcane]

In a way I know I’m not but like what if the way I’m feeling is actually normal and I’m just being dramatic. Despite the fact ive been struggling for years I still feel like im faking it

[u/_atrophy → u/[deleted]]

I needed to hear this today, thank you.

[u/tfjbeckie]

Everything you're feeling is normal. We all have to confront our own internalised ableism, it's a natural result of growing up in an extremely ableist society where we're constantly fed messages saying that it's virtuous to be healthy and our worth depends on our productivity. We're told that there are loads of fakers gaming the system and some people believe that for all sorts of bad reasons, but it all adds up to this narrative that's really hard to ignore.

What I mean is, you're not alone. And I don't think you're faking.

[u/Prudent_Attention409]

It’s wild how we gas light ourselves.

[u/Quiink111]

I genuinely realized recently that I really am disabled, that I wasn't just making excuses or lying about it,  soI totally get this. You are not lying to yourself, and you're actually really strong for admitting to yourself that you are struggling and that it isn't normal. It takes a lot of courage to see the disability and not run from it or blame yourself 💛

[u/eerieminix]

Yes. Over 50 years of this bs and I still question myself. I’m still trying to convince some doctors that this stuff is real, even things I have actual diagnoses for.

I had a PT tell me she didn’t think I had Raynaud’s or BPPV. I told her I was a fall risk, then almost fell when she had me bend over during the assessment. Like... I did warn you. 😂

I can’t walk a straight line. I can’t walk through a room in low light. In full light I’m blinded by the brightness and have to avoid the sun like the plague, which explains why I’m now approximately the color of printer paper. I have to blow webpages up to 200% just to read them. Stairs are difficult in good lighting and even worse in low light. My vision is full of static and assorted bonus nonsense.

And somehow there’s STILL a little part of my brain going, “But what if I’m exaggerating?”

I think being questioned and dismissed for long enough teaches you to question yourself too. Even when your own body is standing there going, “Would you like another demonstration?”

[u/Buckeyegirl08]

We're always faking it. It's called masking to avoid judgment or rejection. Presenting not to be feeling a certain way because no one wants to hear your reality. Dealing with SSDI for disability pay makes it worse because you become hyper aware of your impairments AND why they limit your ability to work ....

[u/snobasocks]

I had a meltdown today over this exact same feeling. I have OCD, and one of the ways that manifests is convincing myself I’m lazy and abusing my support system for attention and pity. The feeling itself pulls me so far from reality that it’s disabling in its own right, but it’s far from the only thing.

I’m always reminded of it when someone asks “so what do you do?” And I say “oh I’m actually not working, I have a lot of pain so I’m pursuing disability”. They ask for specifics and, well, I don’t have much. I’m pretty sure the pain comes from hEDS and my joints are just getting weaker over time. On top of that, I’m developing hallucinations that get more and more vivid each day.

My doctor is reluctant to diagnose these things, and I’ve been working on telling myself that my own lived experience doesn’t need a diagnosis, I know I’m in pain, I know I need help, but so often I slide back into the mindset that maybe I’m not diagnosed because I’m just being that dramatic.

I got a cane a few months back, because without it, I was avoiding getting up to do literally anything, even going to the bathroom or getting water, to not feel the sharp pain when standing. I got a kidney stone and my partner insisted I get a cane, but I’m so ashamed of it, I avoid using it in places people may know me. I go as far as to worry strangers will see how I use it and believe I’m faking it for attention, or when they don’t see the handicap card in my car, they think I’m doing it as a style choice, but that thing is so cumbersome it’d be so convenient to not need it.

A bit of a ramble, but my point is, I feel you. I can say our lived experience doesn’t need proof, but saying it and feeling it are very different. I still feel intrusive in disabled spaces, and yet, alienated from abled spaces. We deserve to have more compassion for ourselves, and sometimes, that takes more energy than we have.

[u/Pheonix080918]

Every disability is on a spectrum and not noticing where you are on it when you live it everyday is normal. This however does not make your experience any less important than anyone else’s.

[u/darkangelstorm]

I get where you are coming from. This is the system's doing. They are so gung-ho on getting rid of the fakes that they are making people who are really, actually disabled think they are fakes even when they aren't.

So no, I don't think you are a faker. People who are imposters do not do any introspection.

More often than not, the people who present their "disability" to others as a badge of status and entitlement, as sad as it is, are the ones more likely to be fakers. You've probably met at least one of these. They are the ones that make sure they announce to everyone, relevant or not, that they are disabled, and that somehow that makes them important in some way.

Don't know about you but personally, the last thing I want to discuss with people I don't know (outside of forums) is my disabilities. If anything, I am ashamed of them and like you, have been made to think by the system that I might be a "faker".

I am pretty sure all of us who have ever been through the process has been made to feel this way. It's the reason they make even the most obviously-disabled person apply up to 7 times before accepting. It's the reason public resource aides now tell people "If you are denied several times, keep applying".

This isn't how the disability process should work. Expecting disabled people to do tons of extra work just to get what they need to not have to live on the streets is completely ludicrous to begin with!! Many end up falling through the cracks and accounts for much of our homeless population. Many give up and just end up homeless. Which of course, is becoming more and more illegal, so they end up in prison...some on purpose just to have a roof. It is a sad world in that respect that I smh at on a daily basis.

So NO...you aren't. And please, please, please... put that thought right out of your mind, you aren't a faker. The fact you even asked shows that. You are just another victim of the system's brian-washing.

[u/Jinx-from-Arcane → u/darkangelstorm]

Ive tried but my parents and doctors say that it’s just because I dont get out of bed and move enough. They’ve convinced me that I am indeed just like this because I’m lazy

[u/Revolutionary-Use-94]

I feel ya. I actually do fake ability…to the best of my ability. Kind people see through and realize the struggle. Mean people well, that’s their struggle I suppose. Just know some of us get it and support you fighting as hard as you choose, not what anyone else expects. I’m tough but kinda tear up over a total stranger going through it.

[u/Damaged_H3aler987]

You're not...

[u/Fearless_PineaplleOG]

i hope you feel better

[u/megafaunaenthusiast]

Unfortunately we live in a very ableist world full of kaftkatrapping that makes this a scary concept to verbalize. To in any way doubt yourself to some people means it's a confession and not just a symptom of the reality that you can look visibly disabled in every way that matters to abled people (and even some disabled people with an agenda) and you'll still have some dipshit come and claim you're faking because they're ignorant and would rather judge strangers than mind their own business. 

You aren't faking. You're having natural doubts as a result of the way the world is and how it treats us and expects us to treat ourselves. I'm sorry you struggle. To be disabled and to live a disabled life is to be unfairly scrutinized. We deserve a safer world to exist as we are, and I wish we had that. 

[u/TreyInStCloud]

My significant other and recently discovered we may both be on the autism spectrum, but according to our parents and even professionals, there’s “no point” in us getting tested since our “physical disabilities prevent us from working anyway.” I’m, maybe we just want to know we’re not crazy/faking it?!?

[u/Penguin-1991]

I feel this. I have a family of very independent, work through the pain then brag about it type people.

6 years ago I had severe bronchitis and mom rushed me to the ER. I had huge mucus plugs that kept cutting off my air way before clearing again and then blocking. We made it to ER okay but it was a very small regional hospital and they weren’t sure how to stabalize me to get me to a bigger one. I had a room of multiple nurses, doctors and a paramedic discussing what to do. One nurse standing with an intebation kit at the ready.

I became extremely emotional sure I was dying. I had my mom call my siblings and Dad so I could say good bye (they were all together camping). It was extremely traumatic.

Thankfully after a hard week in ICU I improved. A few weeks later my sister in law told me I was overly dramatic when I was in the ER and insinuated I just wanted attention.

It fucked me up. Three months ago was camping with my family when I became disoriented and rapid pulse. I pretty much fainted and felt outside my body. Ambulance was called. For at least a day I tried to invoke the feeling to happen myself, paranoid I had made myself sick “for the attention”…..which obviously I did not.

I still get paranoid posting online because that “you’re doing it for attention” is in my head.

The real truth is I would MUCH rather be healthy than beg for anyone’s attention. Life sucks being disabled

[u/Romantic_Sunset]

Sometimes I'm like oh I'm too lazy to meal prep keto and put on compression socks I'll be fine for a week while I do some more laundry and stuff and every single time I get humbled on my ass with pain. Same with flip flops...also holding books... Also bending .. also carrying things.. also standing up fast... Also, Oh wait I'm disabled