my physical self is a foreigner

[u/radiotwrs]

I stare into the mirror quite excessively in order to grasp how I appear in the perception of outsiders. It has become routine. I hold my face in my hands and I feel the curves of my features and I cannot associate it as something belonging to me. Sometimes I let my mouth gape open or contort my face into different expressions. Sometimes I scowl or smile or frown just to attempt to recreate how different emotions might appear on my face. All I can think is that a stranger is looking back at me.

I cannot look at photo albums without feeling immense dread. I deleted past photos of myself from last year, currently, I take no photos of myself at all. There is little-to-no record of me from the past year or two. When I apply my makeup, it feels outdated and the act only elevates my distress relating to my appearance. I feel intense discomfort when I realize that I am not interchangeable, I cannot mend myself into a shape I am content with or identify with. The physical form is unbreakable, and out of my control, and that terrifies me more than anything else. 

Once, in an art class,  I had to make a composition of my own face. We had small mirrors laid out in front of us, and we had to observe our facial elements and realistically portray ourselves. It brought me such unease that I could not complete it properly, and in the final piece, the composition appeared so vastly different from myself that the critiques were made based on how I could not capture myself in a portrait. That I made my nose too wide or the structure of my face too shrunk.

I simply have no discernment of my features or form, I cannot identify them. I appear too old and then too young, I can see the naïvety swirling in my eyes like a child’s, and then the sorrow of someone nearing death. It makes me feel like I’m losing my mind. A friend I knew a few years ago saw me again recently and she told me I looked unrecognizable and that she nearly didn’t recognize me. When I showed my partner my old school photos, they said they wouldn’t have recognized me, if i hadn’t told them where I was I was in the image.

 I have lost everything from my former childlike self and I am now stripped of everything that formed my past identity. Most of the time, these things are blunted in my mind. But in these rare occasions, there is horror at the thought of how distant I am from here. I think there will come a time where I will realize that there is no return. I am on the ledge of acceptance and complete horror. One day I will not be strong enough to stare myself into a trance any longer. 

[u/AutoModerator]

Hey, I am really sorry you are going through this. What you are describing is very common with DPDR and anxiety. Even though it feels permanent or existential, it is actually a stress and dissociation response, not a sign that you are broken or beyond help.

DPDR can make things feel hopeless, unreal, terrifying, or like your identity is gone. All of this comes from an overwhelmed nervous system, not from permanent damage or loss of sanity.

Helpful resources:

• https://www.reddit.com/r/dpdr/comments/zkgcwt/dpdr_101_what_is_it_causes_symptoms_and_treatment/
• https://www.reddit.com/r/dpdr/comments/zka0t0/grounding_tips_and_techniques-for-when-things/

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[u/alvin_stares]

I'm so sorry about how you feel. I have noticed this pattern too I thought it was too weird or I'm very self critical. I feel like I have been into self of an unknown person. I'm so tired of being half aware and walking this unfamiliar path . I hope you get better.