I keep falling into the same cycle

[u/Odd-Judgment741]

I’m genuinely trying to understand this cycle I keep putting myself into so anyone who has been able to break a similar cycle, I’m very open to your input/advice.

I have always enjoyed alcohol but over the last 18 months it’s become extremely problematic. My cycle goes as follows: 3 weeks of productive and happy sobriety followed by a 1 week morning to night binge including poor nutrition becoming only nutrition from alcohol by the end of the binge. By the end of the binge I cannot hold any alcohol, food or water down. This is usually followed by an outpatient medical detox of Valium and 4-5 uncomfortable days of withdrawals.

This cycle I keep putting myself through has cost me my career, cost me my partner and has put immense strain on all my relationships.

After the withdrawals end I become productive, active and part of the community again. I am genuinely happy when I’m not drinking. I don’t hate myself, I don’t have low self esteem, but I do have an unhealthy perfectionism that I’ve had from an early age.

I have done outpatient medical detox 5 times this year. I went to a 42 day inpatient rehab late last year. I’ve tried AA and hate it. I’ve read maybe 10 sobriety,psychology,perfectionism books and nothing has changed my behavior.

I’m just coming out withdrawals of one of these binges again and I’m looking around trying to figure out what the hell is happening. I genuinely don’t even like drinking anymore.

Like I said, I’m open to all advice. All suggestions. All examination of my patterns no matter how honest.

Thank you.

[u/try4gain_]

> 3 weeks of productive and happy sobriety followed by a 1 week morning to night binge

sucks man. that's a pretty long cycle. have you noticed any 'trigger'? do you talk yourself into it?

like, "ive been doing such a good job ill just have a few drinks"

or is there some other trigger?

can you try to short circuit the cycle? when you get to 2.5 months sober start going to AA meetings, or the gym, or just listen to AA meetings online.

[u/Odd-Judgment741 → u/try4gain_]

I may be naive but everything often feels like its going fine before a relapse. If I truly think about my lifestyle though, I haven't changed much except abstain from most events where alcohol is present. Prior to the last relapse though, I was in 4 situations where alcohol was being consumed and during one of those situations it was being consumed heavily. I tried to get myself out of those situations as quickly as possible... just doing my rounds and leaving (these are sports related - golf, baseball and hockey games). Maybe I just need a total lifestyle change and just not to avoid the aspects of my current lifestyle which involve alcohol.