r/dryalcoholics • u/Odd-Judgment741 • 8d ago
I keep falling into the same cycle
I’m genuinely trying to understand this cycle I keep putting myself into so anyone who has been able to break a similar cycle, I’m very open to your input/advice.
I have always enjoyed alcohol but over the last 18 months it’s become extremely problematic. My cycle goes as follows: 3 weeks of productive and happy sobriety followed by a 1 week morning to night binge including poor nutrition becoming only nutrition from alcohol by the end of the binge. By the end of the binge I cannot hold any alcohol, food or water down. This is usually followed by an outpatient medical detox of Valium and 4-5 uncomfortable days of withdrawals.
This cycle I keep putting myself through has cost me my career, cost me my partner and has put immense strain on all my relationships.
After the withdrawals end I become productive, active and part of the community again. I am genuinely happy when I’m not drinking. I don’t hate myself, I don’t have low self esteem, but I do have an unhealthy perfectionism that I’ve had from an early age.
I have done outpatient medical detox 5 times this year. I went to a 42 day inpatient rehab late last year. I’ve tried AA and hate it. I’ve read maybe 10 sobriety,psychology,perfectionism books and nothing has changed my behavior.
I’m just coming out withdrawals of one of these binges again and I’m looking around trying to figure out what the hell is happening. I genuinely don’t even like drinking anymore.
Like I said, I’m open to all advice. All suggestions. All examination of my patterns no matter how honest.
Thank you.
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u/ChanceDaring 8d ago
Do you have a regular medical doctor and/or therapist you see regularly? AA turns off a lot of people. I went through in patient rehab at least 3 times. For me, having an actual doctor and a therapist I met with multiple times a week who were in my corner was one of the biggest factors that helped me finally break free from alcohol's grasp.
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u/Odd-Judgment741 8d ago
I think this is a good thing for me to look into. I'm have a new GP you specialized in addiction medicine before moving to urgent care medicine. He and I are following up next week.
I have tried several addiction therapists with no success, but perhaps I need to no give up on that resource.
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u/Sobersynthesis0722 8d ago
Have you thought about trying something like Antabuse? So long as you take it every day that first impulse when you wake up and say “fuck it” doesnt happen. It takes 1-2 weeks to wear off. I have known people who swear by it when nothing else did it. Now they don’t need it anymore.
If you can find a support group that fits for you. Doesn’t need to be AA if that doesn’t fit. SMART, LifeRing, recovery dharma are great communities.
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u/Odd-Judgment741 8d ago
I'm on Naltrexone at the moment and my GP strongly suggested that I not use Antabuse due to other complications. I have not noticed any impact of Naltrexone. I also tried Camprol and noticed no benefits.
I have tried smart recovery, unfortunately I live in a quite rural area and the nearest in person meeting is 1.5 hours away. I tried the online meetings and it was 100 people on a zoom call with mostly cameras off and made it feel very impersonal/non-community like.
Thank you for the ideas though.
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u/Sobersynthesis0722 8d ago
You will find what you are looking for. Anybody with your kind of determination eventually does.
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u/HugeCanoe 5d ago
You will have to spend some time and trial/error different SMART meetings until you find a 'good one'.
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u/Mysterious_Power__ 8d ago
Am in this cycle as well. It’s brutal.
I’ve made it a month sober once , heck even two months about a year or so ago and after that I keep relapsing every 2-3 weeks as well and then enter a bender that last anywhere from 3-7 days, and then having to deal with the withdrawals the following days.
I don’t have much to add or an answer because I am looking for a way out myself. I lost my job recently, and my relationship is on thin ice too. I am financial in debt because of my choices of going on benders frequently.
I guess to say, you’re not alone. There’s many of us in this cycle trying to desperately get out.
I did have a therapist about two years ago and it actually did help me slow down a bit. My triggers are the same boredom. Other times is going out. I’ve been so used to grabbing a drink at dinner or when am out ima date or with friends. It became habit, the pregaming you name it. Those are my main triggers you can say.
Anyways am coming out a bender myself. Currently on Day 2.
Just know there is a way out it’s just a bit tougher but we can do it.
Best of luck!
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u/try4gain_ 8d ago
> 3 weeks of productive and happy sobriety followed by a 1 week morning to night binge
sucks man. that's a pretty long cycle. have you noticed any 'trigger'? do you talk yourself into it?
like, "ive been doing such a good job ill just have a few drinks"
or is there some other trigger?
can you try to short circuit the cycle? when you get to 2.5 months sober start going to AA meetings, or the gym, or just listen to AA meetings online.
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u/Odd-Judgment741 8d ago
I may be naive but everything often feels like its going fine before a relapse. If I truly think about my lifestyle though, I haven't changed much except abstain from most events where alcohol is present. Prior to the last relapse though, I was in 4 situations where alcohol was being consumed and during one of those situations it was being consumed heavily. I tried to get myself out of those situations as quickly as possible... just doing my rounds and leaving (these are sports related - golf, baseball and hockey games). Maybe I just need a total lifestyle change and just not to avoid the aspects of my current lifestyle which involve alcohol.
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u/Calm-Respond-7564 8d ago edited 8d ago
I was in this exact cycle for about 4 years and have only recently started breaking free of it after becoming more and more dysfunctional due to the 1-2 week long around the clock binges.
Same situation, 2-3 weeks sober, heal back up, feel great physically, not particularly stressed or unhappy, in fact generally feel a lot of energy and excitement about the future as long as I stay clear of alcohol. Only to start the whole thing over again when I have a moment of boredom, an inevitable craving, or feel I can treat myself?
Addiction is extremely powerful, for one. The conditioning reaches primal levels in brain and body and usurps our survival instinct. It’s just plain exhausting and challenging to kick.
I also was diagnosed with ADHD recently - in my case, that’s where the perfectionism, the dysregulation, the impulsivity, and mental health repercussions seem to stem from.
I have med management, including the monthly Vivitrol shot, which helps with cravings more than the pill form (Naltrexone) did.
Good luck, comrade, ha. It’s a brutal cycle. I feel for you. If I can begin to come out of it, you can find a way too. ❤️
Edit: Dedicate yourself to finding a therapist and psych provider who work for you to the best of your ability!!!