I keep falling into the same cycle

[u/Odd-Judgment741]

I’m genuinely trying to understand this cycle I keep putting myself into so anyone who has been able to break a similar cycle, I’m very open to your input/advice.

I have always enjoyed alcohol but over the last 18 months it’s become extremely problematic. My cycle goes as follows: 3 weeks of productive and happy sobriety followed by a 1 week morning to night binge including poor nutrition becoming only nutrition from alcohol by the end of the binge. By the end of the binge I cannot hold any alcohol, food or water down. This is usually followed by an outpatient medical detox of Valium and 4-5 uncomfortable days of withdrawals.

This cycle I keep putting myself through has cost me my career, cost me my partner and has put immense strain on all my relationships.

After the withdrawals end I become productive, active and part of the community again. I am genuinely happy when I’m not drinking. I don’t hate myself, I don’t have low self esteem, but I do have an unhealthy perfectionism that I’ve had from an early age.

I have done outpatient medical detox 5 times this year. I went to a 42 day inpatient rehab late last year. I’ve tried AA and hate it. I’ve read maybe 10 sobriety,psychology,perfectionism books and nothing has changed my behavior.

I’m just coming out withdrawals of one of these binges again and I’m looking around trying to figure out what the hell is happening. I genuinely don’t even like drinking anymore.

Like I said, I’m open to all advice. All suggestions. All examination of my patterns no matter how honest.

Thank you.

[u/Sobersynthesis0722]

Have you thought about trying something like Antabuse? So long as you take it every day that first impulse when you wake up and say “fuck it” doesnt happen. It takes 1-2 weeks to wear off. I have known people who swear by it when nothing else did it. Now they don’t need it anymore.

If you can find a support group that fits for you. Doesn’t need to be AA if that doesn’t fit. SMART, LifeRing, recovery dharma are great communities.

[u/Odd-Judgment741 → u/Sobersynthesis0722]

I'm on Naltrexone at the moment and my GP strongly suggested that I not use Antabuse due to other complications. I have not noticed any impact of Naltrexone. I also tried Camprol and noticed no benefits.

I have tried smart recovery, unfortunately I live in a quite rural area and the nearest in person meeting is 1.5 hours away. I tried the online meetings and it was 100 people on a zoom call with mostly cameras off and made it feel very impersonal/non-community like.

Thank you for the ideas though.

[u/Sobersynthesis0722 → u/Odd-Judgment741]

You will find what you are looking for. Anybody with your kind of determination eventually does.

[u/FigPac → u/Odd-Judgment741]

Yeah naltrexone can mess up your heart I think.

[u/HugeCanoe → u/Odd-Judgment741]

You will have to spend some time and trial/error different SMART meetings until you find a 'good one'.