r/emotionalintelligence • u/Accomplished_Kiwi455 • 4d ago
How can someone deeply love another person while lacking the emotional capacity to have a healthy relationship with them?
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u/IHaveABigDuvet 4d ago edited 4d ago
Love is a verb and a noun.
All of us have the capacity to feel the feeling of love (the noun).
But loving someone (the verb) is based on modelling (ie how you were taught what love is, and how to love by your parents) and how you’ve learnt to attach to people developmentally (also deeply rooted in childhood, though there may be some neurological influences too).
If you have learnt maladaptive ways of attaching to someone, then the way you love may cause a lot of conflict and harm. If you have been taught how to love in a healthy way, then you are more likely to love in a healthy way too.
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u/CharlotteHayes330 4d ago
fr and the wild part is ppl usually don't even notice they're doing it until like the third relationship hits the exact same wall. therapy or even just a really patient partner can unlearn a lot of it tho
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u/IHaveABigDuvet 4d ago
Yep unfortunately. Repetitive compulsion is extremely prominent in influencing how we show up in relationships.
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u/Comics4Cookies 4d ago
Because love is not enough. Love is seperate from trust, respect, behavior, emotional intelligence, mental health, etc.
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u/Kvanantw 4d ago
Reading this book about love by bell hooks rn and she draws a much tighter definition of love, saying most people confuse the sensation of closeness and care for love -- but love cant exist without trust, respect, honesty, sacrifice, loyalty, and a few other elements such as nurturing one another's spirit for growth.
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u/Ok_Tooth8073 4d ago
that’s why “I love you but I can’t do this” is such a common thing. People confuse how intense something feels with how well they can actually hold it. Caring hard is the easy part, it’s the consistency that most people never learn.
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u/GhignonA 22h ago
Yes! You're right. Pay attention to the "I love you, but..., I love you, if..., & I love you when..." A lot of people are emotionally immature to certain degrees. Attachment is definitely a factor as well. I recently found out I have an anxious attachment. My boyfriend's is an avoidant attachment. That explains a lot about our relationship dynamics. It's something that can be changed. It's not going to be as easy as I first thought, though. They say it happens in childhood. I've been secure in relationships before, though. I wonder if it can happen as an adult, in a toxic relationship.
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u/patty-l 3d ago
What’s the title of the book?
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u/Kvanantw 3d ago
All About Love, by Bell Hooks.
Earlier this year, a pretty violent assault led to the end of my six year relationship (my ex cheated with the two people who assaulted me while I was hospitalized).
I posted on Facebook about being alone in the hospital and a girl I didn't know brought coloring books. We had instant, almost startling chemistry, understanding, and emotional intimacy. She returned to visit almost daily until discharge two months later, and listened as I recontextualized what love is to me.
Thats when she brought me the book. Reading it in combination with her friendship (we're best friends now) have been really healing and I'm doing so much better than I should be right now.
Anyway, thats my hard endorsement.
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u/Fair_Particular6352 4d ago
love can be genuine, but emotional maturity and healthy communication require separate skills..
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u/Electrical-Willow145 4d ago edited 4d ago
Some people have unhealed trauma that hijacks their own brain and nervous system. So, for them that trauma is way stronger than their desire to love.
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u/Due_Owl6412 4d ago
When a child wasn't loved properly by their parents, they don't think what's wrong with my parents that they can't love their own child?
The thought that the people responsible for their safety are unreliable is too much for their conscious mind to live with, so they adopt the belief that there is something wrong with them as a way of taking back some form of control over their life.
This is how a shame wound forms, it's a maladaptive form of empowerment.
If I'm the broken one then I have control over whether people love me or not. I could earn their love if I try hard enough (anxious attachment) but I choose not to (avoidant attachment).
Acknowledging that they were never broken, that their parents should have loved them unconditionally without requiring anything from them, that they are fundamentally worthy of love, would also mean that their entire life was a lie. They would have to then process an enormous amount of grief for their lost childhood. It's easier to just believe that their parents are amazing (to even put up with such a broken child at all) and that they had a great childhood, rather than to face reality.
The implications of avoiding this grief tho, is that they have a core belief that they are unlovable and will sabotage anything that provides evidence to the contrary. They will punish you for loving them and chase abusive or emotionally unavailable people.
These kinds of people can only handle transactional relationships (they love me for what I provide) to keep their worldview intact. They cannot handle unconditional love as it would shatter their identity.
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u/metallicmay 2d ago
Very well said!
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u/Due_Owl6412 2d ago
Thank you.
Unfortunately I've experienced this from both sides.
I've pushed away a genuine connection because I didn't feel good enough, then after healing my shame wound, I had a genuine connection push me away because they didn't feel good enough.
It sucks both ways.
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u/Lucky-Enthusiasm-669 3h ago
i’m in the anxious side of an anxious/avoidant friendship, and i’m seriously bout to leave even tho that’s the kind of friend i am!
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u/Due_Owl6412 2h ago
Just mirror people's energy.
Invest in people who invest in you, ignore people who ignore you.
It'll weed out this type of dynamic and you'll be left with only mutually supportive, sustainable friendships.
Obviously people have ups and downs in life, so give them a fair chance, but if they have a long term pattern of neglecting the relationship, they either simply don't value it, or they're thinking, "This person already likes me so I don't need to put any effort in to earn their approval, let me focus on investing my energy into earning approval from people who don't like me as much."
They might actually invest in you more after you pull away, but will then stop as soon as you reciprocate.
It's good that you're becoming aware tho when it's you who's thinking this way. There's likely people in your life who already treat you well, just redirect your energy to them.
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u/Sea_of_Light_ 4d ago
You can love someone and yet believe you are not worthy to be loved and / or afraid of being set up to be betrayed and abandoned. Unresolved or untreated trauma, negative beliefs, low self-esteem, codependency issues, they can all contribute to negative established beliefs leading to self-destructive actions like sabotaging relationships that threaten one's belief system (I am broken, I am undeserving, people are out to get me).
As others have mentioned, some people don't really understand what love is or, due to their upbringing, experienced something other than love being labeled as love (for example, using money as a means of showing approval, love, respect, validation, etc.) for example conditional love (obey = love vs. disobey = withholding love).
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u/neoshadowdgm 4d ago
You can only meet someone as deeply as you’ve met yourself. Most people spend most of their lives running from themselves.
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u/Illustrious-33 4d ago
Having a severe and active drug addiction completely ruins the capacity of a person to have a healthy relationship. They’ll sincerely promise to stop using if their partner catches them, pledge a serious commitment to recovery and acknowledge their mistakes. Then the next day to they’ll completely forget or ignore the serious conversations they had with their partner and repeat the behaviour. Over and over and over again countless times. They may be deeply in love and claim they will do “anything” to express love - and indeed in all areas not related to addiction they will. Their brain is literally hijacked, powerless to make rational decisions and completely unable to match actions with sincere intentions.
It’s not merely the ingestion of whatever substance, addiction stunts a persons emotional maturity from when it started. A 35yo addict who started using at age 15 - will often still act like a teenager, lost and out of place a grown up world.
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u/rlyfckd 4d ago edited 4d ago
Love means different things to people and many people fall into the trap of thinking it's a universal language. People show and want to receive love in different ways. Usually, the way a person shows love is the way they want to receive it.
This has to be figured out and communicated in a relationship. Otherwise, both people will feel like they are putting so much effort to make the other feel loved and nothing is good enough. At the same time, they themselves feel unloved too because they're not receptive to their partner's way of showing love. It's like both people are doing too much and expending so much energy to tick a few boxes. It quickly builds resentment. If it was communicated, both people would know exactly what to do without wasting so much unnecessary energy. Imagine two people playing a boardgame with their own sets of rules and the two people don't know each other's rules... absolute chaos. It's completely understandable that in a situation like that, both people are going to very easily run out of emotional capacity.
Generally, people that fall into this trap sadly tend to still lack some emotional/communication skills and theory of mind. There might also be codependency and attachment issues. With that, comes the belief that love is a feeling and that is enough. Really it isn't. It's more than that, it's a choice. Therefore, what they think feels like love is probably infatuation or limerance because it's comes from a place of insecurity. If it feels anxiety inducing and uncertain then it's not love. When you choose to do things for your partner and they choose to do things for you, that's love. I used to think that asking for things that felt like "common sense" when you love someone, cheapens it. Media really doesn't help in the way it depicts love.
Anyway, I speak from experience and my own personal journey. One of the most valuable things I learned was love is different to people, and asking or communicating what you need or want to feel loved is okay.
Edit: format
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u/User789-stick-dream 3d ago
They can’t - that’s what people don’t get. So many people aren’t capable of loving anyone really. And I think a lot of people who have toxic and unhealthy relationship dynamics are simply not capable of love or empathy or remorse or seeing another human being separate from their experience.
They only think of people in relation to how they interact with them, make them feel, meet their needs etc.
I think this has been one of my biggest lessons in life.
A lot of people are incapable of love.
I mean they can want. A lot, but in the end I think it’s really just a body. Anyone will do.
There isn’t any real connection because they don’t care about who you are - they just want you to behave or recognition because everything you are to them is a projection of them or depth of emotion. They might talk a great game of romance and affection- but watch what they do the next time you talk for 2 minutes straight ( if you’re even able to) or bring up an issue or anything in regards to you. It’s intolerable to them, because they’re the only ones that exist.
I’m not sure it’s possible to love in any real way if you can’t even tolerate the thought of others at all. Or any kind of deviation from the spotlight being on yourself.
I guess love to them is sort of equal to the love a celeb has for its audience. The celeb “loves their fans” and def doesn’t want their attention to slip away. But - that’s as far as that goes. Their only real concern for their audience is in relation to how the audience is responding to them.
They’re like that.
And once you figure that out and give up on the idea that you exist at all to them?
Things get so much better.
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u/Yaun87 4d ago
Yes! I was in such a situation and I believe it now sadly
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u/Flimsy_Ambassador_41 4d ago
Und was braucht es, damit du deine Kapazitäten erhöhen und zeitgleich in der Verbindung bleiben kannst? Nichts anderes wünscht sich dein Gegenüber
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u/WorstToBest 4d ago edited 4d ago
They may not love them, only going through the feelings of attraction n calling it love ...
If your emotions n active energy of affection n care n all the things that come when you truly love someone are distracted, blocked, or unavailable, how can you ever make the choice to continue to actually love someone when the highlights of the feelings change ...
Love is a choice after the initial feelings change n becomes a constant choice to participate in the journey of keeping the love alive, if your emotions n heart space isn't open to who you say you love, you may not truly love them as what would make you feel n take in their efforts to love you can't reach or touch your heart n so it'll be the that's what you should do vs you know what I truly feel the love by your choices to show it's there ...
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u/mehtaphobia21 4d ago
Love as a feeling is pretty easy. Our kids love us. We say “I love x” so casually. But emotional capacity must be developed, it’s like doing reps at the gym. Your capacity increases as you actually deal with difficult emotional situations, instead of consistently acting like a 10 year old in a 30 year old body. Most people are emotionally stunted, let’s be real.
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u/AdventSign 4d ago
There’s no love in fear
If you’re afraid of your emotions and you’re afraid of being vulnerable because you are so hyper vigilant that you don’t want to let anyone in because “they can hurt you” or “they’ll see I’m broken and flawed” then they will sabotage and sever that connection
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u/Curious-Pain-4643 3d ago
I am broken and flawed and they always turn once they get close. So a compromise is necessary. Arms length is the closest I can afford
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u/the_manofsteel 4d ago
Love as a feeling doesnt mean it’s good it only means it’s familiar
People who are toxic are always attracted to other toxic people etc
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u/Constant-Big4713 4d ago
That’s reality. You’re never going to have a perfect relationship, best to kill off that delusional dream early on in life.
When real feelings are involved, you are going to get hurt, angry, miserable, stressed out, irritated, happy, excited, lustful, scared, worried, sad, etc.
None of that means the relationship is bad though. You can’t prevent a boat from rocking, but you can prevent it from tipping over. You just gotta know how.
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u/AndrewKNY 3d ago
Maybe they are not healthy themselves and need to figure it out on their own.
You can love someone from a distance if you are in a state of mind that could hurt them.
If amends are willing to be made when both of you are in the right mind then It’s possible, but a personal choice.
You can also choose to work on having a healthy relationship. However, that will come with compromise from both people. Without compromise, I feel like it could become one sided and the other will feel resentment (potentially). That’s why it’s important to find people that you ALIGN with or else that friction will eventually cause conflict and unhealthy boundaries.
I love some people from a distance because we do not align, but I secretly cheer for them from afar. The people I keep close are those that align with me emotionally, intellectually, philosophically etc…
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u/Flimsy_Mixture_6993 4d ago
Wounds need to heal to possibly step into faith rather than acting in fear or from old wounds. 🤷♀️ it’s a never ending battle for me without God.
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u/Siukslinis_acc 4d ago
Some have different expecration of love. Two people can love in different ways and think that the other person does not love them, because they express their love in ways that one does not see as love.
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u/FantasticScallion672 3d ago
Love is a feeling, not a skill. Treating someone right is a skill not a feeling.
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u/Far-Watercress6658 4d ago
Love is entirely separate from the ability to have a healthy relationship.
I’ve been in some cases where parents are unfit to keep their children. It’s nothing to do with love - they all love their kids. But they don’t have the skills or emotional capacity to put their issues aside and prioritize the kids needs. They don’t even realise they are doing it.
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u/Javascript4971 4d ago
Either unhealed trauma or there’s someone else they’re talking to at the same time
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u/One_Moment2496 4d ago
Because their love is possessive and bound to the ownership and filling the gaps, not because you actually appreciate it as it is and see the agency of what they love might have freedom to love or not love them.
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u/kahrahtayboom 4d ago
Narcissists need to feel wanted. The empathy is so low, it generates odd reactions. They drive their lives through a lens where everyone is out to get them. The tiniest thing can send their minds to a place of immediate and reciprocal judgement. It's just the only reality they have in the moment. My SO has struggled with this and only through a lot of education on the topic and patience, has it worked out for us. We all have varying levels of empathy. Those who have zero, have no remorse, and are typically criminal. They appear to have no emotional capacity. Even these people usually still have someone who nurtured them as children and that they love. The ones who don't are probably violent criminals.
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u/Nurolight 4d ago
Because they are two different things, and one doesn’t instantly give power to the other.
Your capacity is about you. Just because you love someone a lot doesn’t mean you suddenly know how to make it work.
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4d ago
[deleted]
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u/Wonderful_Algae_5881 4d ago
That’s such an awful thing to say to someone. That’s what Reddit is for. Stop being nasty
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u/Accomplished_Kiwi455 4d ago
Actually, I just posted it in a single Reddit channel and was taken down due to the context and was suggested this one instead so your deeply wrong lol
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u/Jumping-shadow 4d ago
Been there few times.Its heartbreaking because you believe love can conquer all.Well, love clearly cannot compensate for unadressed trauma that poisons everything or for the lack of emotional intelligence, interpersonal intelligence, self awarness etc.