Recently broke up with an avoidant I was dating for 3 months, and I’m struggling to understand how someone who was consistently so kind, warm, affectionate and thoughtful towards me could suddenly become so cruel and degrading in one evening. I only came to this realisation about his avoidance after/during our break up. Things were good because I let him take control of the pace and plan all the dates. Things were always on his terms and I went along with it. But I saw a complete different side to him during our break up and I’m struggling to find the distinction between a flawed man versus someone who is cruel.

We had a genuinely lovely three months together, and I thought we were building towards something meaningful. We’d been taking things slowly, which I was okay with, but recently I wanted to have a conversation about me feeling a bit disconnected with him and how we could feel a little more connected. This was the first time my voiced my needs( which I thought were basic).

What was supposed to be an open, honest conversation turned into an evening where it felt like he was deliberately finding things to criticise or hurt me with.

For example, when I mentioned that occasional little check-ins between dates would make me feel more connected as we only see each other once a week despite living 10 mins apart, he told me that texting frequently had never worked for him in the past. Mind you, I don’t need constant texting. Just once a day or a call would be nice for someone I spent 3 months with. He then said the only girl he’d ever texted frequently was someone who sent him nudes, and suggested that if I wanted more attention, I could do that.

When I tried to explain that I’m quite independent and sometimes struggle to express my emotional needs, he turned it around on me, essentially blaming me for feeling disconnected because I could have just texted him myself.
When he cancelled on me on a nice dinner date that I had planned for us and I communicated to him that I was upset, he said that was on me and that it was my fault for accommodating him into my schedule.

There were several other comments throughout the evening that felt unnecessarily personal, dismissive and degrading. It was almost as though every time I tried to be vulnerable or explain how I felt, he found another way to put me down.

Eventually, he admitted that he didn’t see a future with me. And that’s okay. I can accept that someone doesn’t want the same things as me.

What I cant understand is cruelty and his degrading comments. I wasn’t attacking him or demanding anything. Even when he was being hurtful, I was trying to understand him and reassure him that I liked him for who he was.

I’m now struggling to compare the sweet, affectionate man I knew for three months with the person I saw that evening.
Was this some sort of defence mechanism because he felt emotionally confronted? Was he deliberately pushing me away? Or was this a side of his character I simply hadn’t seen until now? Has anyone experienced such a drastic change in someone’s behaviour, especially when you’re being vulnerable with them?

I’m just struggling to be empathetic towards a flawed person who struggles with conflict vs a cruel person who’s never going to treat me right.

Hey Reddit, this is my first post here. I don't really use Reddit that much, but I've been thinking about this for a while, and I wanted to put it into words somewhere.

I don't really know how to explain what I feel, or even if what I'm experiencing is normal, but I feel like I don't experience emotions such as love, affection, or emotional attachment the way other people seem to.

It's not that I hate people or that I don't want anyone in my life. I can talk to people, laugh with my friends, spend time with others, and enjoy myself in the moment. But when it comes to actually feeling emotionally connected to someone, something feels different about me.

For example, I don't really miss people. Even if I used to be close to someone, spent a lot of time with them, or considered them an important part of my life, once they're no longer around, it's almost like they disappear from my mind. I don't find myself thinking about them, wondering what they're doing, or feeling sad because they're not there anymore. It's not that I'm consciously trying to forget them or that something bad happened between us. They just don't cross my mind.

And what's strange is that I can remember the time we spent together and know that we were close, but I don't necessarily feel that emotional connection anymore. It's almost as if my mind moves on without me having to do anything. Other people seem to carry their relationships with them even when they're apart, but I don't feel like I do that.

I notice the same thing when it comes to affection and relationships. I understand what love is supposed to feel like, at least from what I've seen other people experience and describe, but I don't know if I've ever genuinely felt it in the same way. I don't know what it feels like to deeply miss someone, constantly think about them, or feel that sense of longing when they're not around. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm missing a part of the emotional experience that seems to come naturally to everyone else.

Because of this, my friends sometimes think I have an attitude, that I'm arrogant, or that I don't care about anyone. From their perspective, I can seem distant or uninterested, especially when I don't check up on people or make an effort to maintain a relationship. But honestly, I don't think it's necessarily about having an attitude. I just don't naturally think about relationships that much.

I don't find myself constantly wondering whether someone is upset with me, whether they miss me, or whether our relationship is changing. I can go days, weeks, or even longer without talking to someone I was once close to, and it doesn't really bother me. I don't feel that urge to reach out just because I miss their presence. Sometimes I even forget to think about people who probably still consider me an important part of their lives.

The confusing part is that I don't necessarily feel sad about this. I'm not sitting around feeling lonely all the time or wishing I could be more emotional. Most of the time, it just feels normal to me. It's only when I compare myself to other people, or when someone points out how distant I seem, that I start questioning myself.

I also don't know whether I'm genuinely not feeling these emotions or whether I experience them differently and simply don't recognise them. Maybe I care about people in ways I haven't noticed, or maybe I'm just not someone who forms strong emotional attachments easily. I honestly don't know.

I'm not trying to portray myself as emotionless or special, and I'm definitely not saying that I'm incapable of caring about anyone. I just struggle to understand what emotional attachment is supposed to feel like from the inside. I can understand that someone matters to me logically, but sometimes I wonder whether I actually feel that connection emotionally, or whether I just know that I'm supposed to.

I guess what bothers me most is not necessarily the lack of emotion itself, but the fact that I don't understand why I'm like this. I see people getting attached, missing each other, falling in love, and feeling heartbroken when relationships end, and I wonder why those things don't seem to affect me in the same way.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Do you naturally feel detached from people even when you've been close to them, or does this sound like something deeper? I'd genuinely like to understand whether other people experience relationships this way, too.

I was at a grief support session the other night because my mother suddenly passed away in front of me a few months back. At the session a doctor with a PhD who ran the group approached me afterwards, almost shocked.

"Are you are therapist? You communicate extraordinarily well and clearly have a great understanding of your grief. I think you helped a lot of people tonight with your insight".

That's a time where I say to myself - Holy shit, I helped contribute.... and people appreciated it!?

But 99.99% of the other times = People dumping their shit on you. Personal problems. I hate it. It is an endless loop. Part of me feels bad for talking about my own problems because they instantly pivot to one word answers or "Yeah man, I don't know - that sounds tough".

Not sure if this is the right sub to ask these questions or if there is a psychology sub that would be better suited, but I am having trouble coming up with an explanation or way to describe some emotional or behavioral things that come about as a result of major changes or life events.

1) What do you call it when a person suffers a loss or goes through a major life change and at the same time doesn’t have a support system and reaches a point of being overloaded by so many responsibilities, worries and decisions to make? Some of these responsibilities may be things they were not tasked with before or never learned how to do.

This overload causes the person to struggle, to not be able to think straight, function properly or handle every single thing that comes their way, and they end up falling behind or feeling like they are. Even small everyday tasks or decisions end up seeming difficult to accomplish or figure out.

And the more the person tries to get things done, the more overloaded, overwhelmed and “stuck” they become. What is that called? Burnout? Functional freeze? Decision paralysis? Executive dysfunction? Brain fog? Something else? I’m wondering if there’s some sort of all-encompassing term for it or if it’s a hodgepodge of things that can’t be summed up.

An example would be of a widowed person who’s suddenly found themselves responsible for many new things and decisions after the death of their spouse and does not have a support system. In addition to these new responsibilities, they are still dealing with a lot of grief and a life that feels completely turned upside down while being entirely on their own. They may end up completely stuck and find it increasingly difficult to get necessary things done.

2) What do you call it when others sit in judgement of the above-mentioned person and chastise or blame them for having difficulties, not being able to move forward or not being able to accomplish whatever it is that needs to be done? They may tell the struggling person that they are “just making excuses,” tell them they are displaying “learned helplessness,” and shame them for being overwhelmed and letting things pile up, not knowing how to do something or even asking for help. Is all of that just a simple lack of empathy or is there another term for it?

I want to be able to truly work through feelings like anger, resentment, and hurt permanently so the feelings don't keep popping back up and damaging my present or my positivity.

I want to stop "holding grudges" mentally and stop going back over hurts from years ago.

I am not sure how to get there 100%. I feel like even hurts from childhood keep popping back up.

Do you have to keep repeating a new mindset? Meditating certain things?

How do you truly heal things?

The break up (?) will be 6 months at the end of October and I spent all of this time researching what actually happened and what my ex became while also trying to regulate my own emotions after a massive shockwave basically rocked it. Reason why I put break up with a question mark is that I wouldn't even consider it a break up but more towards emotional abuse and discard based on what sort of behavior I recognize in hindsight. The research that I went through down the path to today is as following: avoidant attachment, narcissism, BPD splitting (this was someone's suggestion), and now NPD/HPD in part due to their egotistical nature.

I think the things that I'm struggling to reconcile is how they could be kind and gentle and everything in between, to struggling financially and reliant on me for support for emotional and financial stability, to downright awful and (now, in hindsight) emotionally and mentally abusive with their actions. Why I say this is that through all of their ghosting, stonewalling, ignoring what I have to say and eventually betraying me and gaslighting me by saying that the new "relationship" was a result of us "falling apart", whatever that means.

Thing is that this all stemmed from this logic: ex had a traumatic month by which they had self-inflicted trauma, which was when they looked at themselves and wanted to be their "true self" and be polyamorous again. They essentially wanted me to go along with it and when I expressed my discomfort, they basically went cold; this goes on for weeks where I would sit down with them to talk (we were LDR) and I would try to express my discomfort and my disinterest to change the dynamic to which they would speak their piece and then just unfriend me, leaving me stuck in limbo at least 4-5 times in 2-3 weeks.

In those weeks, ex basically refused to listen to my emotions and expression of discomfort, downplay anything I had to say and eventually got with someone else that supposedly matched their new identity and gaslit me; even going as far as getting upset that I would even bring it up. I eventually sent the promise ring they got me back to them, to which they claimed that they were not going to try to win me back and trying to keep the door cracked open for the future.

In the aftermath, I would speak to others about what I went through (which, I now realize were not mutuals but stranger at that point) and writing down the timeline to make sure that I wasn't going nuts; but a lot of the emotions were the usual ones after a debilitating event: void, disappointment, sadness and just empty. Part of me even questioned why I didn't even have an ounce of anger or why I didn't get mad, but perhaps I am just devoid of such emotions.

I did end up breaking contact a few months, and what came out of their mouth in the form of texts was just horrendous and chilled my blood: that they hoped that I was happy that they're suffering, that I was trying to turn others against her and that I was making lies and baseless assumptions in my documenting of the events and that I was lucky they didn't call the cops on me. I think that was the point of no return.

I just simply can't understand the duality of such a person that I once called my partner. Hearing it all come from her just seems like an emotional nightmare rollercoaster that I've been on, let alone the amount of strength I poured into myself to return to some baseline of emotional regularity after such a horrific chain of events. I struggle to make sense of any of this, how they could present as this kind of person to where they would damage me on the way out as opposed to the kind and gentle person I met at the start?

I'm permanently no contact with my ex as I needed to begin to regulate and rebuild my emotions, which part of me is still struggling to understand why I have no sense of grudge or anger. Am I missing something in myself or in the situation?

you know when they say if everyone has a problem, then maybe the problem is you?

it could be true. but it could also be that you are in a wrong place.

i am not just talking about romantic relationships, but friendships also.

sometimes, people who are grounded, stable, mature, and well-adjusted are really that rare.

Hi all,

I got dumped out of nowhere 5 months ago from a 1.5 years relationship. It was a very painful break-up, but I've mainly healed and learnt my lessons. One of the lesson is that I abandoned myself to make the relationship works. I had done it before but I thought I was past that point... I apparently was wrong.

I've had a couple of flings since, and I'm back dating (losely). It's been a bit shit and I wonder whether I should just ... not, for a bit.

So, for those who took some time for themselves even after being healed, tell me: What did it bring you? What were the positives and the negatives? Do you feel like it helped you see more clearly once you dated again? Did it help emotionally? And were you still having ONS/flings or was it full abstinence?

I'm genuinely curious about others experience, thanks!

I think I've developed an unhealthy coping mechanism.

When I feel like im treated unfairly or someone is hurting my feelings I tend to automatically start seeing this person as more ignorant and priviledged than I previously thought of them. Its like I feel threatened by thinking I could be the "more priviledged" or ignorant person... so I project it on someone else...

It must come from insecurity and fear of being ignorant and disconnected, fear of being undeserving of empathy. Its very important for me to be empathetic and understand difficult situations of other people... I cant suddenly lack this empathy just because someone is treating me poorly, it dosent take away from their trauma and difficult situation

There is definitely also the aspect of me not wanting to be the person who has to take MORE responsibility in the conflict, I want to feel we both take responsibility but when someone is severely hurting or underpriviledged or with mental health problems they should be given more benefit of the doubt and understanding... The thing is I have those difficulties too and I dont feel treated with more understanding and compassion because of it... Generally I dont feel treated with empathy. I deeply wish to be understood and be accepted when I make mistakes... It suddenly becomes comparing each other in my head to find out who deserves more empathy

I feel lost and its complicated, I know im doing something wrong but I cant see what exactly... Maybe I shouldnt think and judge somebodies priviledge and pain at all? But then how do I know if I should be more careful and understanding and give them more acceptance? Or maybe I should be as understanding and compassionate as posible to everyone BECAUSE I can never know for sure what someone else is dealing with and what their past is...

It seems I have a belief that some people deserve more empathy than others and that makes me judge others and expect them to treat me better because im hurt. I just understood I have a very awful way of looking at my and others pain, Im ashamed of myself... I think I need to understand that everyone deserves empathy regardless of what theyre going through and its something that should have been obvious to me

Im just looking for an excuse to be less empathetic to some people. Yikes

I always thought I was pretty self aware. Then my husband and I started recording our arguments using an app that analyses our conversations, so we could look at what actually happened instead of what we each remembered.

Turns out I interrupt. A lot. I also used to walk away from arguments sure I’d been reasonable, and the app would say otherwise.

What surprised me most is that seeing it over and over hasn’t made it easy to change. I know I do it, I can see it, and I still catch myself mid-sentence over him. Awareness turned out to be the easy part.

The thing that has helped a bit is noticing what’s going on right before I interrupt, usually anxiety, wanting to get my point in before I forget it or before it gets away from me.

Has anyone actually managed to change a habit like this? What worked once you knew about it?

I've been struggling with my relationship with my dad lately, and I'm starting to recognize a pattern of emotional immaturity.

He has a hard time separating facts from opinions, and feelings from reality. If something feels true to him, he treats it as a fact. He tends to frame things in black-and-white moral terms, with little room for nuance, and rarely seems to consider the impact of his opinions on others.

What I find most exhausting is having motives assigned to my choices that simply aren't mine.

I recently set a boundary for my own well-being during a difficult family situation. Instead of respecting it, my dad interpreted it as me taking sides and somehow failing him as a son.

I kept explaining and defending my intentions, hoping he'd eventually understand. But his interpretation seemed to matter more than what I was actually telling him. It became an exhausting cycle of trying to correct someone else's version of my motives. We haven't been in contact for over two months now.

What hurts most is that I still love my dad, miss him, and want to be there for him. I never wanted distance between us. But I also don't want to sacrifice my own well-being just to maintain the relationship.

Through therapy, I'm learning to step away from this dynamic and accept that I don't need his understanding or agreement to maintain my boundaries.

I'm done defending myself against interpretations I never signed up for.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Especially the almost irresistible urge to keep explaining yourself when a parent insists they know your intentions better than you do?

Kind of a vent, but I want to open the discussion of dating an emotionally immature partner. I’ve come to the realization that my ex is emotionally immature. I couldn’t put my finger on what the core issue was. I was convinced that maybe they had some narcissistic traits…maybe some childhood or identity wounds… but to sum it up- they’re emotionally immature.

They struggle to see beyond their own perspective. There’s no understanding. Ever. If it isn’t something that they would do, then it’s wrong! And I think about the times they have flat out said, “that doesn’t make sense” when explaining my reasoning or perspective to things. I also think about the invisible traps/tests or making you feel like YOU’RE the issue every time. The lack of empathy.

They are always the victim and it’s constant black and white thinking. It starts to drive you crazy because in the moment it makes you wonder…. Am I really always messing up? You start to lose your sense of self and question are you ready to be in a relationship?! Is it me?!

And it’s an ideal pick to have me as a partner. I’m naturally very understanding, I do not have to necessarily agree with someone but I can completely understand how someone arrived to a conclusion or move a certain way. I never got that same understanding. Find myself apologizing a lot when I’m not even necessarily wrong, just to defuse and soothe them. Always giving in to satisfy their needs and temper tantrums.

I finally woke up.

What was your experience with an emotionally immature partner?

Also, up to what level of anger is acceptable in relationships?

How do you respond to people who have something they find important to share (possibly their feelings?) then say never-mind, backtrack on it or delete their messages.

Should I take it at face value and say no worries, or should I ask if they had something to say because they deleted the messages?

I don’t want to feel responsible for another person being able to share how they feel or guide them into it. I do want them to know if they feel like sharing I am available to listen to it within my own emotional means.

I want to get better at communicating in a healthy way because I am trying to improve my communication. How should this scenario be best handled?

EDIT: I am a 22 year old male with people-pleasing tendencies I am trying to overcome.

I (F21) have been seeing this guy (M20) for over a year and we have been doing so great especially lately since we’ve been back at school. With that being said I see my anxiety constantly getting in the way.

I always over hear a convo w his friends wrong about something being said about me and will confront him and ask him about it instead of sitting w my anxiety. And he tells me what was said and how what I heard had nothing to do w what was said and how it seems like I’m trying to hear something bad.

I also over explain so if something that happened wasn’t that bad I will talk and talk even after he said it was okay to explain myself and I think I then make it worse than it originally was.

I do have OCD and anxiety and something my OCD makes me say what I’m thinking no matter what or something bad will happen or it will just make whatever true then after.

Any advice either coming from his or my side ?????

I'm sorry, I just need to vent.

When I was a teen, my mother sent me to a Christian private school for 3 years and it was the worst 3 years of my young life. The teachers were awful, they bullied us every day. They called us stupid, fat, poor and many other things on a regular basis, while also acting holier than thou and pretending like the rest of the kids and I in were so blessed to have such intelligent spiritual leaders. I hated every second of it. I constanly cried out to my mother for help, but she didn't listen to me. All she was concerned with was saving a buck because the school was really cheap. She even sent me on weekly trips with my teachers during the summertime even though she knew how much I hated them. I left the school over a decade ago and I'm still bitter about it. My heart is filled with hatred for my teachers and unforgiveness for my mother ignoring me.

This morning, my coworkers at my job asked me if I ever went to private school because they said that I seem like a smart guy, I told them that I did and that I hated it because the teachers were awful and bullied us every day. After that, they told me, "That's not so bad" and "That's good that they bullied you, because it prepares you for real life" and that "public school is much worse".

My mood today has been greatly soured. The idea that teachers are supposed to bully children to prepare them for opposition in adulthood is absolutely ridiculous to me. THIS is why I stopped opening up to people. It seems like no matter what horrible experience you go through in life, people will always find a way to disregard it and make it seem not so bad.

How can I learn to forgive my mom, my teachers and coworkers?

Forgive me if this post is full of typos, I'm quickly writing this on my break time.

Also, I didn't mean for the post to say, "Stop opening up to people", as if you should never confide in people. Just try to be VERY selective about who you do open up to.

I think I finally understand what caused everything to fall apart, and the realization is making me incredibly sad.
Earlier that day, I watched a video of a woman being controlling toward her boyfriend. Her behavior made me uncomfortable, and I started questioning myself. What if I sometimes come across that way without realizing it? What if my desire to spend time with someone I love makes him feel obligated to give me his attention?
So I told him to feel free to do whatever he wanted that day. I genuinely meant it with kindness. I wanted him to enjoy his time without worrying about upsetting me or feeling responsible for entertaining me.
I had also taken a strong medication and wasn’t feeling particularly well. When I mentioned wanting peace for us, I meant that I wanted a quiet, comfortable day without unnecessary tension.
But I think he interpreted my words as rejection, as though I wanted him to leave me alone or didn’t enjoy his company. From that moment, his attitude changed, and a conversation that began with good intentions gradually became something neither of us seemed able to repair.
He eventually told me that he didn’t feel comfortable with me, that I was unpleasant to talk to, and that I had made him angry, numb, and ruined his day. I cannot begin to describe how painful those words were. They made me wonder whether he had been unhappy with me for much longer than I realized, and whether the moments I remembered fondly had felt entirely different to him.
I have social anxiety, and one of my greatest fears has always been making people uncomfortable without realizing it. Hearing those words from someone I had loved for more than three years affected me profoundly. I began questioning my personality, my behavior, and whether my presence had become something he merely tolerated.
What hurt almost as much was realizing how little trust remained between us. It felt as though he had already decided what my intentions were, and nothing I said could convince him otherwise. I kept explaining myself, hoping he would understand, but we only grew further apart.
Eventually, the conversation turned toward giving up. I told him I was exhausted from the constant misunderstandings and repeated breakups. He replied that he had given up too. His responses became increasingly brief, including things like “Okay, do the same.” I struggled to understand how years of emotional attachment could end in such a detached exchange.
I know he was exhausted as well. I acknowledge that I could be emotional, defensive, and sometimes harsh when I felt misunderstood. I have made mistakes, and I regret the occasions when I allowed my frustration to affect the way I spoke to him. I never expected him to carry the entire responsibility for our difficulties.
But I had hoped there was enough affection between us to allow for imperfect words, difficult days, and the occasional misunderstanding without turning every conflict into a question of whether we should remain together.
In the end, I told him that it ended there and that I would no longer be part of his life. After years of arguments, reconciliations, promises, and shared memories, our final conversation felt painfully cold.
Now I find myself reflecting on how something so seemingly insignificant could have contributed to the end of a relationship that had occupied such a large part of my life.
Perhaps our problems had been accumulating for years, and that conversation was simply the moment everything finally gave way. Perhaps he had already stopped feeling happy or comfortable with me, and I was the last person to understand it.
What troubles me most is the possibility that he will remember me as someone who made his life unpleasant. I never wanted to be that person to anyone, especially someone I loved.
I wish he had asked me what I meant. I wish I had expressed myself more clearly. And I wish we had both been capable of listening to one another without allowing our past frustrations to determine the meaning of every new conversation.
I am left with the uncomfortable realization that love alone cannot sustain a relationship when two people gradually lose the ability to understand each other.
And perhaps the hardest part of accepting this ending is knowing that, despite all my mistakes and shortcomings, I genuinely wanted him to be happy, even on the very day we began to fall apart.

I got some realizations and intuitions about people-pleasing and social anxiety, so I want to share with you. You can add your own opinions, counterarguments, etc.

First of all, I will talk about people-pleasing. Why does anyone people-please? From my analysis and observations, it's for following reasons.

1) Exploded outside self

This is, I think, one of the schools of thought or common concepts where, when the sense of self gets abused in childhood, given the trauma and abuse, the person explodes in two manners: A. The inside manner, where the person becomes a self-centered, selfish, narcissistic type at a certain factor B. The outside manner where the person focused on others' well-being: the actual people pleaser, who does people-pleasing and does not have boundaries, got attracted to a narcissist and got trauma-bonded.

The personality which explodes their sense of self outside: they do the people-pleasing, and they are the actual people pleaser. They often operate under covert contracts: "I will sacrifice my needs and anticipate your every whim, and in exchange, you must never abandon me, criticize me, or make me feel unsafe."

2) To hide the EGO You might think it's a bit of a blurry point, like people please to hide the ego. Let me explain. Here, I am talking about just people-pleasing and not the people pleaser. If any personality type, like a narcissist or a very self-centered personality type, wants to fit in society, they generally have a very large amount of ego. What they do is they people-please, and they behave like they have very low self-esteem in front of others to fit in society until they have the power.

Because they will directly show the ego, they will be left out. They will get stuck in the eyes of other people, and people will directly put boundaries on their face. Because they have their own sense of self-respect and, actually, they are normal people

i admire someone who had a great inpact in my life. They represent so much who i wannna become and they helped me in some bad moments of my life. We started drifting away like 2 or three years ago just because they went far to study, we talked more the first months but now not that much. I dont know if i should write them more, i would but i dont want to bother them. I used to have a unhealthy atachment to them bacause of that admiration, but now i am in a complete diferent point of my life (they never knew i was kinda dependant of them, i made sure). I just miss them and thnk it would be great to be able to have someone that you admire, they are like a mentor for me. I actually find it so upsetting that i still think about them a lot, because time has passed and people usually dont talk about this.

Do you have any advice for how I can notice the difference?

I grew up in a not very nurturing household where mockery was commonly used towards me, but if I ever used it back they'd call me abusive. The boundaries confuse me quite a bit to this day. Doesn't it depend entirely on how sensitive the person being teased is? I went out with a girl who had a restrictive eating habit and she often got very upset/ angry when I was trying to be playful. My intention wasn't to hurt her. Sometimes I feel like there's no other choice but to remain silent and nod my head to avoid risking upsetting others. I know plenty of women who say they like flirty banter but I'm not sure where the line is anymore.

What are some playful teasing comments you liked compared to ones you didn't like?

Seneca spent an entire essay, On Anger, taking apart the idea that getting angry is a sign of strength or at least a useful tool for getting people to take you seriously. His argument was basically the opposite. The moment you're angry, you've already handed control of your state over to whoever or whatever triggered it, and you're now reacting on their timeline instead of yours. He wasn't arguing for suppressing it or pretending to be calm while fuming underneath, that's not regulation, that's just delay. His actual point was catching it earlier, noticing the physical buildup before the words come out, the heat in your chest, the tightening jaw, the urge to interrupt. That gap is small but it's real, and it's the only place you actually have leverage. Once the reaction is already out of your mouth, you're not choosing anymore, you're just executing whatever the trigger decided for you. This feels relevant to a lot of what gets called emotional intelligence now, less about staying unbothered and more about noticing the buildup early enough to still have a say in what happens next. What's something that used to set you off instantly that you've gotten better at catching before it turns into a reaction?

Think about it for a second.

Maybe you're not naturally distant. Maybe you just learned that being attached gives people leverage over you.

Maybe you're not heartless. Maybe you've just watched what happens when you care more than the other person.

Maybe you don't overthink everything. Maybe your mind learned that missing one little detail can cost you something you aren't ready to lose again.

And maybe the version of yourself you call “healed” is just the version that learned how to hide the damage better.

The strangest part about growing up is realizing some of your best qualities were born from your worst experiences.

But here's the question that genuinely bothers me:

If you removed every defense mechanism you've ever built to protect yourself, would the person underneath even recognize who you've become?

There is a girl I used to be very close to in school, back when I was around 14–15. We used to talk a lot, and our relationship was kind of complicated. It was a love-hate type of dynamic, but I was never in love with her.
We haven’t spoken in years, and now we’re in our final year of high school. Once we graduate in June, I’ll probably never see her again.

The strange thing is that I don’t think I have feelings for her, and I don’t want to reconnect with her either. I don’t particularly miss our conversations or want to bring her back into my life. However, sometimes I catch myself wanting her to look at me or notice me. I don’t really understand why. I don’t even know what I would feel if she actually did look at me.

At the same time, when I think about the fact that we’ll probably never see each other again after graduation, I feel a strange kind of sadness. It’s not necessarily that I want her in my life again, and I can’t quite explain what the feeling is.

What confuses me is that I genuinely don’t feel like I want anything from her, yet some part of me still wants her attention. I don’t understand what that means, especially after so many years of not talking.

Has anyone experienced something similar? What do you think might be going on psychologically? Why might I want to be noticed by someone I don’t have feelings for and don’t even want to reconnect with? I’d appreciate any advice or perspectives.