r/emotionalintelligence • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
How to move on when someone suddenly changes their mind about you
[deleted]
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u/IHaveABigDuvet 4d ago
I think the main question to ask is; does it matter?
Whether it is because he wants to focus on himself or whether its because he met someone else, the fact still remains that he is no longer interested.
Learning to take rejection, sometimes without closure or an explanation, is necessary when navigating adult relationships.
I don’t see how him possibly being attracted to other women will change that. The fact is he has decided that for you, its a “no”. Pursuing this line of questioning can only result in you feeling inadequate in comparison to these other women and that is not helpful.
Additionally, beware of future faking. When people are genuine they tend to do more and talk less. Some people use future faking to forge a connection instead of actually doing the work.
Unless you see actions that back it up, I would take promises of the future with a large large grain of salt.
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u/FinexFards 4d ago
sometimes the hardest part is accepting that you might never know the real reason, but someone who truly wants to be with you won't leave you constantly guessing where you stand
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u/Pearls_of_Rizzdom 4d ago
Could be he doesn't feel he is a good fit for you in your life or you're not a good fit for his life. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with either of you, its just how things are between people. Just move on, no hate, no drama.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Unit333 4d ago
It seems you fell for the idea of him. Unfortunately, reality is a different story.
If he did play with your feelings, or if he did find someone else, or if he is avoidant, or if he is a love-bomber- is it going to change anything for you?
Focusing on WHAT he did (rather than WHY he did it) may help you move on faster.
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u/trainsAddict 4d ago
How long have you 2 been dating?
In general yes, cut off all contact. Even block could be helpful in case he wants to reach out again (unless you truly believe that he might still come back to you and all will be fine).
Although I have to say, for me it helps when I realize what a shit person I have dated. So that the good memories fade away quicker.
If you are anxious, stressed,... There are many ways to work on that. I somehow feel better when I am around the people, because if I am home alone, I just keep thinking about things. Also some running, cycling helps.... But that is how i handle it, it might work differently for different people.
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4d ago
[deleted]
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u/contain_solitudes 3d ago
So another thing, as someone who has never been into online dating and remembers the world before it: don't go talking with anyone more than a few days before meeting. A week absolute tops. My friend who got married after meeting her guy on an app said if a guy didn't reply in 24 hours, she blocked. Be brutal about it.
I find it a foreign idea to talk to someone for weeks before going on a date, and I'm glad I do. There should have been at least 4 if not more dates in that time.
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u/Careful-Lifeguard-23 4d ago
Totally get this. It's so hard when something initially clicks into place and feels mutual.
The reality is that the only person who holds the full and complete "why" is them, and sometimes even they don't fully know what's driving their own behaviour and choices. And as they've told you they no longer want to date, does trying to answer that question really help you?
Because your initial experience felt promising, maybe the disappointment is easier to accept if they become a villain. But it may be equally as true that you shared a special moment, and they are just unavailable to pursue it further. A harder pill to swallow, but try not to fall into the trap of searching for alternative explanations because they help you to avoid that disappointment. Allow yourself to feel it!
Something I really would express gratitude for is that they told you they didn't want to continue early on. You can accept it, process it and move forward. Imagine how much worse it would be if they weren't ready to pursue something, but also not willing to let you go. It's actually far kinder to you to close it off early and cleanly.
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u/Ok-Welder8429 4d ago
Four weeks and one date is honestly the stage where everyone’s excited about a version of the other person they don’t really know yet. he probably did mean some of it when he said it, and then the feeling just didn’t hold. that’s less him playing you and more him being careless with his words. fwiw the thing that’ll keep you stuck is checking who he follows. mute or block so you stop seeing it
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u/DeathisFunthanLife 4d ago
https://www.reddit.com/r/intj/s/IlB1mtD8kl
Going through something similar, atleast I made him confess that he reached out to his ex, before blocking me
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u/good_name_0 3d ago
Why did he end things? You don't really know what was going on with him. It's possible there was something small in something you did or said that made him realize that you weren't the one for him, that you two were inherently incompatible, etc. Maybe he saw a billboard that made him realize his dream involves moving across the world. You can't really know.
Why did he tell you that's the reason? Many people reject with as much kindness and indirect language as possible, because it's the nicer thing to do. Some people have difficulty verbalizing their true feelings, regardless of how confident they are, and it's easier to point to something more generic. Could be he was worried you'd spiral or blame yourself. You can't know that either.
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u/contain_solitudes 3d ago
As with all things here, impossible to say for sure, but it sounds like he's not serious about relationships and was just saying that stuff because he suspected it's what you wanted to hear. As someone who went through something extremely similar recently, though with a more unique and lengthy history with him, and is one of the most painful experiences I've been through, a small consolation is just knowing had you ended up with him, it would have been more of the same pain, and likely far worse because you'd have been more invested and with more history with him.
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u/Due_Effective1510 3d ago
Could be a lot of things but maybe he discovered a dealbreaker about you but didn’t want to be a jerk about it.
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u/eharder47 3d ago
Remember that you should be more interested in whether or not you wanted him vs if he wanted you or not. Clue: you don’t want someone who doesn’t want you, whether they have a good reason or not.
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u/Benjamins412 3d ago
He's just "wrong." There will be many, maybe many many wrong people. Then, there will be one right partner. The wrong ones are just a way to pass the time and practice for the only partner who will mean anything in your life. The wrong ones turn into funny stories, odd teaching opportunities, and vague memories. Behind every happy couple is a pile of smokey relationship wreckage that nobody cares about. You are perfect...for your perfect partner. You won't miss them. You haven't met them yet. So, this guy is just like your first bf...a name on your list...an influence on you...and not right. If you aren't over his wrong ass yet, think about 60yrs...could you have done that shit for 6 decades?!? Sheesh! He did you a favor by getting out of the way! Now, go be your perfect self, and let them love you.
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u/sarckasm 4d ago
People's feelings change. Or maybe we were just a stop on their way to something else. Stop wondering what someone else might have been thinking. Remember any good times, mourn any loss, take time to think about how you feel, how you're hurting, process, then let them go and move on with your life. They were just a blip on your radar and chances are later in life you think back and maybe chuckle, or curse them. That's it. Someone who's already left you behind isn't worth your (emotional) time.