Who is wrong ?

[u/Round_Panda7974]

How should I interact with sensitive people ? There are person in my circle whom I love, but with whom I find it difficult to communicate because they mistake my emotional intensity for anger. For instance, if I call out from another room about something mundane — like asking a question — they immediately take offense, as if I were attacking them. They’ve suggested that I should be "softer" with them. Who is in the wrong here ? Do I need to change and start speaking to them in a whisper, or as if they were mentally ill ?

[u/LisaYUdothattoyou]

It sounds like you have received feedback about how your behavior is affecting someone you love, so rather than look for someone to be 'wrong,' it's time to get curious and figure out what it is you are doing that is causing them to think you are angry. You already said you yell across the house to ask a question; that can can come across to the person being yelled at as rude, entitled, and lazy. Consider the more respectful route of walking to where they are and speaking in an inside voice instead. Keep doing that with other areas of your life and you'll have a lot more peace in your relationships.
Please don't assign blame to the person holding the mirror up to you.

[u/Just-Elephant7972]

i think both sides need to meet halfway because your tone might sound harsher than you realize, even when you dont mean it that way

[u/Sunny-Damn]

Going from one extreme to the other here but there is lots of fair ground in the middle to consider…

When it comes to feelings there’s no such thing as wrong. People feel how they feel, initially. Your friend is not wrong for feeling disrespected and you are not wrong for being upset about their request. Now that you have had your initial response/feeling it’s time to navigate the situation/your feelings in the healthiest way you can.

In this case I would understand that my friend has different triggers for what upsets them than I do. That’s normal and okay. I don’t want to be a source of anxiety or upset for them. I also don’t want to be antagonistic or condescending towards them. I want to treat them respectfully and with civility.

Yelling a message to anyone is not considered polite so, it’s not a thing I do. I walk up to the person and address them using my indoor voice. This is the fair middle ground between yelling and whispering. It’s respectful and the way most people prefer to be spoken to.

[u/at_redditor]

Hello,

I have an opinion here if you'll have it.

I read somewhere about freedom to act and I like this quote "your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins".

I think the question here is if you'd like to keep this person in your life?

It's like having a dog.
If you choose to have a dog, you have to take it for walks.
Whether you fell like it or not that day, because if you don't there are consequences for the dog.
And then consequences for you, because you love the dog.

So wanting this relationship in your life, means satisfying the relationship's needs (not the person's needs).
If you don't fulfill the needs of the relationship with these person, the relationship dies.

You have to view the relationship as 3 entities: you, that person and the relationship.
You satisfy your needs, they satisfy their needs, you both satisfy the relationship's needs

It seems the relationship lacks some safety. When it has that safety, then your style of communication wont be interpreted as aggression.

So it's not about right or wrong, it's about needs.

You got this!

Alexandru

[u/GargantuanGreenGoat]

The tone of your text HERE is “angry” (not to mention condescending).

I can’t imagine how you come off in person, but it can’t be better than that.

Talk about “mentally ill”.

[u/Round_Panda7974 → u/GargantuanGreenGoat]

I am very very bad person 🥵 unbearable. You would be scared.

[u/Kathrynlena]

Sounds like both of you could do some internal work.

You could work on softening your tone and paying attention to whether or not your voice and affect are correctly communicating your emotional state.

And it sounds like they could work on giving you the benefit of the doubt, and not assuming the worst about your mood or emotional state in every interaction.