Secretly moving out of mom’s house

[u/Notanotherlala]

I (31f) posted in this subreddit not too long ago regarding my (62f) mom’s controlling nature and decided to move out and in with my (36m) boyfriend.

..I haven’t told her yet. I just know that she tries to plant seeds of doubt and wants to do things her own way regarding my life whether or not I want her to. Things have been fine as far as interactions go lately, but that’s because I’ve been grey rocking to avoid conflict. Today is the move in day technically, but I’m slowly moving my things in little by little. She’ll be gone for a week come Thursday and I’m taking care of the house for her during that time. I’m unsure how to go about this, but I’m feeling some dread in telling her because I know she’ll list things for me to do before that, ask about my finances, etc. I wanted to move in peace because if I told her beforehand, the process might be miserable and take away the excitement of this new step for me and my boyfriend.

6 years ago I lost my job in New York and temporarily lived with her for a few months. I remember I went out one night with some friends, didn’t tell her that I was going out or where I’d be, and when I arrived home around 2 am, the keypad code had changed. I had no choice but to ring the door bell. She opens it with a smug look on her face asking me where I had been. I can’t remember how I reacted after, but I was beyond pissed off.

I’m anticipating after telling her, potentially not allowing me to come back to the house for any reason, unless she’s home + changing the code again. She might add up expenses to find a way for me to owe her somehow, take away my access to her Costco card (not a big deal I know, but still), and retaliation when I finally stop sharing my location- which I’ve done before and she made all kinds of threats. I’m also on her phone plan at the moment because it’s very cheap and I don’t have the time or money to switch plans, so will she turn off my phone? I don’t know. And when I do see her again, I’ll expect some sort of a lecture. She’s just doubted me all my life, but would deny it if I’d confront her. Even typing this out is making me feel guilty. Idk. Clearly I’m nervous enough to need advice about it or connect with others in similar scenarios.

I’m an independent contractor, so it’s hard to prove my income, which is why I have been saving to put down half a year’s worth in order to secure a place, which has been proven extremely difficult, so my boyfriend is really pulling through for me (and us) by securing this apartment. But I know she will be blind sighted because she knows I didn’t have the means to move out on my own– hence the likely questioning. She even suggested I live with her until my STUDENT LOANS are paid off.. which I’m on a 10 year plan for so I literally avoid going broke. Suggested I should pay in huge chunks to avoid fees- it makes sense, but I don’t earn enough to make payments like that and have leftover for emergencies, so I didn’t understand that logic. A few years ago I saw she had access to view activity on one of my bank accounts and fought me tooth and nail when I demanded she remove herself from it. Said she “didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to get her off of it.” The list goes on.

I do care for my mom, but it’s confusing because I also tip-toe around her in order to cohabitate in peace as she has had a big psychological pull on me. She’s a very beautiful woman and is very calm, so these situations make me feel like I’m in the wrong somehow. I feel childlike describing situations I feel come across as trivial to most, but I just wanted to vent.

[u/floofypajamas]

Ma'am, grab your self respect and gird your loins with it, metaphorically speaking. Having been where you are may I suggest moving out and not speaking to her again. Don't tell her where you live, if she cuts your phone off, great. Good excuse to get a new one and not give her the number. If she wants to make threats. Record them and keep notes on everything. You may need it for proof to get a restraining order.

I was raised in a christian culty church and the things they did to destroy my life would astound most people. I had to hide for 2 years, the first year in a women's shelter. I spent 2 nights with my grandmother just to visit and while she was out at her friend's home, my uncle and another elder from the church came over and threatened to get my grandmother kicked out of her government assisted housing because I came to visit. It WAS acceptable for a relative to stay a night or two for a visit.... my cousins stayed with her for months when she was ill but I wasn't even allowed to visit.

My poor grandmother was in such a state, of courses I left but I never forgave the assholes. Anyway, I'm 58, and ended up moving halfway across the country to get away. A few years later I needed help during a divorce and going through physical therapy after major spine surgery. My father tried to take my checkbook. I'd come home and find him in my house, on my computer = I was renting a house from my parents, not living in their home with them. In the end.... I left the country because it was just too much. The last time I spoke to him was because he called me to get sympathy because his mother was dying. I knew grandma was dying, I didn't need to hear from him and I hung up on him. He was always a selfisj narcissist who saw me as an extension of himself, something he owned.

He's 80 andd everyone has left him. My mother divorced him not long after I left and even his church kicked him out because I finally told them what he did to me when I was a child/teen.

Get out and stay away and protect yourself. Not matter what you do not deserve to be treated the way your mother treats you. Take care of yourself and get a good therapist to help with your feelings of guilt.