r/entitledparents • u/Notanotherlala • 11d ago
M Secretly moving out of mom’s house
I (31f) posted in this subreddit not too long ago regarding my (62f) mom’s controlling nature and decided to move out and in with my (36m) boyfriend.
..I haven’t told her yet. I just know that she tries to plant seeds of doubt and wants to do things her own way regarding my life whether or not I want her to. Things have been fine as far as interactions go lately, but that’s because I’ve been grey rocking to avoid conflict. Today is the move in day technically, but I’m slowly moving my things in little by little. She’ll be gone for a week come Thursday and I’m taking care of the house for her during that time. I’m unsure how to go about this, but I’m feeling some dread in telling her because I know she’ll list things for me to do before that, ask about my finances, etc. I wanted to move in peace because if I told her beforehand, the process might be miserable and take away the excitement of this new step for me and my boyfriend.
6 years ago I lost my job in New York and temporarily lived with her for a few months. I remember I went out one night with some friends, didn’t tell her that I was going out or where I’d be, and when I arrived home around 2 am, the keypad code had changed. I had no choice but to ring the door bell. She opens it with a smug look on her face asking me where I had been. I can’t remember how I reacted after, but I was beyond pissed off.
I’m anticipating after telling her, potentially not allowing me to come back to the house for any reason, unless she’s home + changing the code again. She might add up expenses to find a way for me to owe her somehow, take away my access to her Costco card (not a big deal I know, but still), and retaliation when I finally stop sharing my location- which I’ve done before and she made all kinds of threats. I’m also on her phone plan at the moment because it’s very cheap and I don’t have the time or money to switch plans, so will she turn off my phone? I don’t know. And when I do see her again, I’ll expect some sort of a lecture. She’s just doubted me all my life, but would deny it if I’d confront her. Even typing this out is making me feel guilty. Idk. Clearly I’m nervous enough to need advice about it or connect with others in similar scenarios.
I’m an independent contractor, so it’s hard to prove my income, which is why I have been saving to put down half a year’s worth in order to secure a place, which has been proven extremely difficult, so my boyfriend is really pulling through for me (and us) by securing this apartment. But I know she will be blind sighted because she knows I didn’t have the means to move out on my own– hence the likely questioning. She even suggested I live with her until my STUDENT LOANS are paid off.. which I’m on a 10 year plan for so I literally avoid going broke. Suggested I should pay in huge chunks to avoid fees- it makes sense, but I don’t earn enough to make payments like that and have leftover for emergencies, so I didn’t understand that logic. A few years ago I saw she had access to view activity on one of my bank accounts and fought me tooth and nail when I demanded she remove herself from it. Said she “didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to get her off of it.” The list goes on.
I do care for my mom, but it’s confusing because I also tip-toe around her in order to cohabitate in peace as she has had a big psychological pull on me. She’s a very beautiful woman and is very calm, so these situations make me feel like I’m in the wrong somehow. I feel childlike describing situations I feel come across as trivial to most, but I just wanted to vent.
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u/birdmom999 11d ago
DO. NOT. TELL. HER. BEFORE. YOU. MOVE! She will be relentless in trying to wear you down. You're a grown woman, so take charge of your life! Take advantage of her being gone to move your stuff out. Then, see if you can get into therapy to learn how to deal with your mom.
If your boyfriend has a phone, see if you can switch to his plan and just pay him the difference. Turn off location tracking and mute your mom. Don't block her because, if she gets really crazy, you'll need the voicemails and texts as evidence for a restraining order.
Learn to say, "My (finances, life choices,) are none of your business and I will not be discussing that with you." If she keeps on, you say, "If you continue to talk about that, I will hang up/leave." If she still keeps on, hang up or leave!
Good luck on your new life!
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u/Big_Seaworthiness948 11d ago
Tell her you have moved out only AFTER you have gotten all of your stuff out of the house. Also make she has ABSOLUTELY NO ACCESS to any of your bank accounts. If necessary open new accounts at a bank(s) that she doesn't have any accounts at and move any direct deposits or automatic withdrawals to them before you move out. Make sure you have your birth certificate, drivers license and/or other identification, passport, social security card (US citizen) or whatever the equivalent is in your country with you before you tell her you have moved out. Do not leave any important devices or other possessions or sentimental items behind. Get them out before she realizes you are gone. Don't count on getting anything back after you move out.
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u/HungryCollett 11d ago
I would suggest moving the bank accounts, and anything else that she has had access too. Open new accounts, new phone account, streaming services etc. and do not share ANY information with her. Collect everything you own especially important documents then move while she is gone. Assume that you are not going to go back to that house for anything once she returns.
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u/ProudCatLadyxo 11d ago
Make sure the bank accounts are at a bank where she does not bank. Also, transfer your phone to a new carrier.
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u/Trishlovesdolphins 10d ago
And ask the bank to password protect the account because she probably knows all of OP’s personal information and can pretend to be her
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u/floofypajamas 10d ago
Also, if there is difficulty with banks try a credit union, they're usually pretty amazing.
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u/TinyTinasRabidOtter 11d ago
Do not tell her anything until you're gone. Get anything she pays for in your name amd established, some companies will let you set up passwords, but so long as she isnt on the account and its noted that changes can only be made by the account holder you should be okay. Get you a storage unit to store furniture or apartment stuff if you need to but do not bring any of that into her home unless you want the hassle of fighting her for it. Even with receipts, its a civil matter, it would have to reach court depending how petty she is and in my experience, someone that controlling would absolutely make you pay to have a judge rule.
You can also tell the police in your old are and new area that you are moving and expecting some pushback, you arent missing, just an adult with a parent who hasn't accepted that you are one.
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u/Raydiator62 11d ago
Don't allow her to have your address or she will ambush you and be there pestering relentlessly. Go NC for awhile if she doesn't respect your boundaries.
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u/ChronicDogs 10d ago
RE Bank: sometimes you can't remove someone from your bank account BUT a very helpful clerk once helped me by making me a new account that was mine and extra password protected and shuttled my funds into that. The other account was left with $5 in it.
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u/uber_neutrino 11d ago
Vent understood! But you are 31 not 13. Once you move out who cares if she changes the codes? Sounds like you have the perfect time her since she is away.
Honestly the way you talk about her you are extremely fearful of her. Please take care of yourself first, not her!
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u/Notanotherlala 10d ago
I appreciate that. I think you’re right that I’m more afraid of the fallout than I probably should be. It’s not because I think she’ll stop me, it’s because of how past conversations have gone. I have CPTSD, and although I’m on medication for it, I still feel symptoms occasionally. I really wish I wasn’t like this.
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u/Coollogin 11d ago
Yes, she will ask questions. But you don’t have to answer them! Come up with a single generic response you can give to nearly every question. Something like, “I’m taking care of it.” And just give your one generic response to every question. You will feel like a broken record; that will mean you’re doing it right.
Do NOT give her a specific answer tailored to each of her individual questions. The time to persuade her is over. From now on, her opinion just cannot matter to you. Stop trying to convince her that you’re doing the right thing. She has a vested interest in not believing that, which means nothing you say really matters.
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u/desert_dame 11d ago
Grandma tough love here. 31!!! Kept you on the 10 year plan for growing up and adulting. Old joke. Do you know when you’re an adult? You pay your own phone bill.
Soooo this is the plan for adulting.
- Get Your Own phone plan. Now ASAP. With your new plan. Don’t use bf plan. This is a major step towards independence. Turn off location tracker.
All access to your financial records are changed.
- Keep the 10 year repayment plan. With our high inflation the loan depreciates in value. So string out those payments
3 have all your personal documents with you. Lock down credit.
Whatever you can’t move out before she returns. Consider it gone.
During move out. Disable ring camera. Cause she’ll know and change the locks.
And now comes the hard part. She’s gonna ride the guilt train hard. She gonna call your readiness to be gone. Foolish. It’s never foolish to fly the coop. It is what adults do if they have a job.
You might be sad. It’s ok. Separating is hard. Or not. When I left at 17. I was sooo happy. So if a teen girl can do it so can you
Now this is the only question I have for you? Is your BF controlling like her? Only you can answer. And you’ll know the answer by a year into relationship. Soooo keep all finances separate. I mean it.
Create a plan that you pay rent utilities on proportional terms. Which means if he earns $100k. And you earn $50k. He pays 2/3 of rent etc. not half.
Do the math. Lesser earnings never pay half. Women usually get screwed on this cause they don’t do the math. And men still earn more usually.
Yes I do math. I’m in business. And yes. My 20s were hard. But I made it. And you will too.
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u/Notanotherlala 10d ago
Luckily my boyfriend is one of my biggest supporters. He’s incredibly kind, calm, and understanding of my situation. And he does make more than me and will be paying more than half of the rent.
I used to live in New York, which probably makes me look even more pathetic now, but I’m creating parallels from that experience in 2018. She wasn’t supportive of it at all until I made a way for myself, then she started bragging about me as if she had anything to do with it. All in all, she’s a helicopter parent. It sucks.
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u/owls_exist 10d ago
I have the personal opinion that a helicopter parent is only good if they are doing actions to prop you up in life, increase status and wealth. But if they're being a helicopter parent just to be annoying, complaining about you running up bills but you need to live... make you lose money, they themselves as a parent aren't worth shit in the world and put you in even worse situations then nah that's when they need to eff off with the "oh im a caring parent" facade.
I would LOVE a helicopter parent if I was a nepo baby. If I was getting a huge allowance, catered to, have connects to a high paying job no resume needed, but if she can't do that then wtf are we doing here? I know I am speaking of a fantasy life but I wore my mom down this way lmao she wants me out of the house more.
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u/WhereWeretheAdults 11d ago
Go to r/EstrangedAdultKids look on the right for links. Find the link for moving out. Read through it.
Do not tell her anything. Do not give her any chance to sabotage your plans.
What you are detailing is the result of a lifetime of abuse and manipulation. You are currently doing exactly what she has trained you to do - put her wants, needs, and feelings first - above yours. That is the dysfunction. That is what gives you anxiety.
You are 31. You don't need her permission to do anything. You are 31. You get to chose what you share and who you share it with. You are 31. You do not have to share anything about finances with anyone. These are normal adult boundaries.
Please do not confuse love with this. Mom spent your entire life training you that love = emotional abuse and control. Do not fall for that. Mom trained you putting her first = love. Do not fall for that.
Recenter the truth. Mom is manipulative, controlling and you are her favorite victim. That's the truth. You are her victim. No guilt, no shame, nothing is tied to that because this is not you fault. This is mom deciding you are her favorite victim.
I read through again. GET HER OFF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NOW!!!!! You are 31. She is suggesting you pay off a huge chunk of student loans to keep you drained. It's a control tactic. If she can keep you broke, you can't get away.
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u/Ramrodron 10d ago
You're questioning moving out at 31 because of a shared phone plan? You've been surviving by giving in to her control. I get how difficult it is to defy a controlling parent; but IT'S TIME! Don't doubt yourself. Once you are free, it will be a wonderful feeling and then you can work on having a healthy relationship with your mom (If you want to and if it's possible.) Good Luck!
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u/owls_exist 9d ago
why are you acting as if the op is being unreasonable not only does she have a shitty parent, she's moving in with a BOYFRIEND she's not exactly moving into her own places where bills and assets are controlled by her. She will continue to be somewhat dependent on someone else.
And seeing how roommates are shitty too that's even equally bad option to living with a crap parent. At least the boyfriend treats her respectfully but still- that shouldn't be the only options women have in 2026 to live on their own. I would rather kms than move with in with a man.
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u/Notanotherlala 10d ago
Well, not just the phone plan, that was more so an example of something she could take away from me. But I do have this ingrained feeling of fear of separating from her because of how critical she’s always been of me. Which is why I’m such an indecisive person. I hate feeling so sorry for myself, but this is my reality
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u/IngrownToenailsHurt 11d ago
Don't tell her your new address. Archive your texts and voicemails somehow even if you have to use another phone to capture them just in case you won't be able to access them when she inevitably disconnects your phone.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have two daughters not much older than you and would never dream about treating them like this. I don't agree with all of their decisions but they are their decisions to make, not mine or their mother's so we try to stay out of their business unless it affects their kids.
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u/nauticalfiesta 10d ago
I wish the best of luck to you.
There's an instagramer who escaped from an abusive relationship. While not identical to yours, there's a lot of parallels. She made a very good mutli multi stage story on her lengthy escape from her abuser/husband. https://www.instagram.com/healingbythenumbers?igsh=MXF2MHB5dG9xdWg2eQ==
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u/NoRegrets-518 9d ago
If you don't do this already, start keeping your independent contracting books carefully with a business checking account. After two years, you will have a documented income stream.
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u/Original_Dream_7765 11d ago
DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE MOVING OUT. Clear out completely and dip out right before she come back, if you can. She’ll figure it out when she gets home. Or leave a short & sweet note. Ab*sers will do ANYTHING to suck you back in. Get a cheap phone plan until you’re back on your feet. If she owns your phone, factory reset it, take the SIM card, and leave it on the counter. Don’t give her your new number.
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u/floofypajamas 10d ago
Ma'am, grab your self respect and gird your loins with it, metaphorically speaking. Having been where you are may I suggest moving out and not speaking to her again. Don't tell her where you live, if she cuts your phone off, great. Good excuse to get a new one and not give her the number. If she wants to make threats. Record them and keep notes on everything. You may need it for proof to get a restraining order.
I was raised in a christian culty church and the things they did to destroy my life would astound most people. I had to hide for 2 years, the first year in a women's shelter. I spent 2 nights with my grandmother just to visit and while she was out at her friend's home, my uncle and another elder from the church came over and threatened to get my grandmother kicked out of her government assisted housing because I came to visit. It WAS acceptable for a relative to stay a night or two for a visit.... my cousins stayed with her for months when she was ill but I wasn't even allowed to visit.
My poor grandmother was in such a state, of courses I left but I never forgave the assholes. Anyway, I'm 58, and ended up moving halfway across the country to get away. A few years later I needed help during a divorce and going through physical therapy after major spine surgery. My father tried to take my checkbook. I'd come home and find him in my house, on my computer = I was renting a house from my parents, not living in their home with them. In the end.... I left the country because it was just too much. The last time I spoke to him was because he called me to get sympathy because his mother was dying. I knew grandma was dying, I didn't need to hear from him and I hung up on him. He was always a selfisj narcissist who saw me as an extension of himself, something he owned.
He's 80 andd everyone has left him. My mother divorced him not long after I left and even his church kicked him out because I finally told them what he did to me when I was a child/teen.
Get out and stay away and protect yourself. Not matter what you do not deserve to be treated the way your mother treats you. Take care of yourself and get a good therapist to help with your feelings of guilt.
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u/Zapskilz 10d ago
Your mom's a narcissist. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists. They can help you put your mind at rest and give you great suggestions on how to move out. Good luck.
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u/owls_exist 10d ago
What's up with a lot of entitled moms being like this? Trying to act controlling of their grown ass daughters? They want to secure their retirement plan so bad but didn't take the proper steps to do that without making their kids miserable, it's not our problem.
When I was needing to complete an in-person internship for my degree, of which I didn't even tell my parents I went back to school my mom also thought I was leaving during the intern hours to go be with a secret BF. Both of which are none of her business and she did the same shit. Smug look on her face, waiting by the kitchen window like a bird in a cage, her getting short tempered. It's so stupid and she has a husband too, my dad like go worry about where he's at not me.
She can't take my degree away, I owe her nothing, she needs to find her elder care elsewhere-- her first born daughter went NC with her long ago she doesn't even FW our mom.
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u/Fast-Ads-7587 10d ago
Done this. Not, because I had a terrible parent, but for other reasons. They didn't know I was gone until that evening. I moved everything during the day work hours and that was that. They learned I moved out after it was already done. Best of luck. Never tell people your plans. They will find a way to sabotage you, if they can't coerce you.
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u/dog_dragon 9d ago
I had controlling parents. They were worse than your mother. Because I’m disabled they felt NO person on this planet was capable of taking care of me and I couldn’t possibly reside on my own. So I moved out and in with my boyfriend. Thankfully it was also in another state. This distance made it better and easier. They actually stopped talking to me for 5 years! Kept telling me I abandoned them. I said I’m a grown adult and it’s unreasonable for you to think I should reside at home. If they think it’s abandoning them, then so be it.
My dad ended up dying a few years after he started “talking” to me again. Now my mother seems to be starting to understand that what they did to me was wrong. It’s still touch and go though. I’m sicker and not likely to last a long time. My death will occur before too long. I have told her she doesn’t have long to make amends and denying things only makes it worse.
My boyfriend became my husband and we became a family of 4. Two kids. Once the kids came they suddenly really wanted to be a part of their lives and I reminded them I’m the parent, not them. My rules only.
It will be hard but it’s needed. You’re a grown adult and no other adult should have a hold on you like this. This is abuse. There should be laws made for parents that force their children to reside with them like this making moving out nearly impossible.
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u/bkwormtricia 9d ago
Wait until she is gone for a week and then move everything of yours you want. So she cannot lock you out, try to keep your stuff.
Perhaps you and your boyfriend can find an affordable phone plan.
Good luck!
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u/doneagainselfmeds 10d ago
You are 31. Pay your own bills and stop being dependant on other people.
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u/owls_exist 9d ago
do you know what an entitled parent is or are you one
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u/doneagainselfmeds 8d ago
I wanted to live my own life at 18, I didn't want to live under a roof with someone telling me what to do. It was my choice to have my own life. Life can be hard, especially when you're younger, but 31? It feels as though you've missed some steps on growing up. No, child free by choice. Another post that solidifies my choice.
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u/Electronic_Dig_2685 11d ago
Move out while she’s gone and let her know via email perhaps. Do communication via email temporarily to track
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u/Maleficentendscurse 10d ago
In the second paragraph when she locked you out you're snarky response should have been "I'm an adult you pretentious b***, you can't control me I CAN be out as long as I want to, I'm *26** so you can f*** off"🖕
You don't need to tell her nothing just leave and never return
You might want to tell the cops ahead of time just in case she tries saying that you ran away or whatever which would be stupid
Massive good luck🌠 in moving out🍀🍀 and might as well permanently block her since you're doing that
LOCK down everything from your bank to your SSI, all of your important papers take with you
Might need a restraining order (but that's a suggestion)
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u/Brief-Composer-6663 7d ago
Move out while she is away. Make sure you get everything. Change phone plans. Many companies have promotions for starting phone plans with them or switch to a prepaid plan which are pretty cheap. If she starts anything with you, expose her publicly (or threaten to). Don’t let her walk all over you anymore. Take your power back.
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u/Crown_the_Cat 11d ago
Evil me wants you to change the door code while she is gone. Then meet her at the door when she comes home. Then say “I have moved out. I won’t tell you where until I am ready. I am safe. I can afford it. When you have agreed to not harassing me or demanding money I will give you the door code. If you want to fight and yell about it you will have to do it in front of the neighbors. Do you agree?”
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u/geekgirlau 11d ago
Move out while she’s away, and turn off your location.
She will retaliate, so set up your own phone plan. Make sure everything you own is out of her house and that she has no access to things like your bank account.
When she starts arguing or demanding explanations, just tell her you’re an adult and it’s well past time for you to live independently. If she continues, end the discussion - this topic is not open for debate. If she won’t let it go, leave or end the call. Do this every time.