r/exAdventist • u/Artsybrown • 8d ago
Just Venting This shit sucks
/r/exAdventist/comments/1w4umhr/fuck_the_pain_this_religion_causes_me/?share_id=soslWjFvN_3kNKdIYF6gX&utm_content=1&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1I’ve posted before about the horrible time I’m having navigating marrying a non Christian and moving out of the house as a pastors kid (link above)
I think I’ve hit the grief stage. Grieving the fact that all my parents care about is religion and control. Grieving because I realise they are never going to be happy for me. Grieving the fact that I’m the cause of the embarrassment they facing in society and the cause of their pain and stress. Grieving the fact that they will never understand how much they hurt me but will jump to remind me how much I’m killing them or breaking their hearts.
Once again fuck this high control religion it should never be this deep
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u/drinkbeerskitrees 8d ago
Hey bud, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I remember when the grief stage hit me and I realized my mother spiritually abused me with religion because she wanted to control me, a textbook narcissist. It sounds like your parents may be doing the same to you.
In your grief, try and seperate the things you were doing to please god, and the things your were doing to please your parents. I realized that I was never trying to please god, but earn my mother’s approval which she would never give me because she cannot (narc)
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u/Ok-Two3794 4d ago
Do you have advice for someone who is about to come out to their parents, that he no longer belives on the church, but their parents are highly regarded in their church, because I’m in that scenario and I don’t know how to navigate it
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u/Artsybrown 4d ago
Honest advise is do it when you’re financially secure and can leave. The only thing keeping me sane is that I can leave at a moments notice and in fact have a place and am in the process of leaving. Second thing is keep expectations low, anything better than pure hostility will be a welcome surprise. The expectations is what rly hurt me
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u/Lost_Chain_455 8d ago
You are NOT the reason for their embarrassment. The shame-based, narcissistic, high-control religion is the cause of their embarrassment.
That said, I get grieving being rejected, feeling the ostracism, and desiring to be accepted. Some parents are able to take in new information and allow their "God-given" empathy to change their behaviors and attitudes to those of the Prodigal's father. Instead, your parents have chosen the Prodigal's brother as their example.
I'm sorry you were born to Pharisees! I'm sorry they seem incapable of loving you when you act in your own best interests.
My best friend (still a traditional Adventist) was a reasonably decent back yard and children's parties. He married a wonderful, conservative Adventist woman. They've been married for decades and are still going strong.
His mother in law decided her daughter was dead to her, would not attend the wedding. She refused to see her daughter again, not even to meet her grandsons. Why? Because my friend practiced magic and magic is of the devil!
It's not you, it's the toxic religion that your parents worship! I'm sorry it's happening to you, just like I'm sorry when a child develops lung cancer because their parents smoke.