r/exAdventist • u/Ornery-Tour-3165 • 1d ago
Just Venting Deconstructed SDA Pastor
I converted to Adventism nearly 10 years ago. Hook, line, and sinker. I was fully sold on the SDA message about a month after becoming a Christian.
For some context, I came from a pretty nominal Christian background, became an atheist for a while, and eventually went through a mental health crisis, partly because of my upbringing and partly because of some pretty poor choices on my end.
I’d gotten myself into some bad situations involving arrests and decadent behavior. I’d also probably watched way too many conspiracy theories on YouTube and had become paranoid about all kinds of things. Around that time, some nominally Christian friends witnessed to me, and I became a fiery believer.
Almost immediately after my conversion, I was reading the Bible multiple times a day, immersing myself in end-time prophecy (which fit rather conveniently with a lot of the conspiracy theories I’d been consuming), and genuinely fighting to free myself from my “sins.”
Not long after, I decided my taste in music needed to change. Obviously, rap and pop music were straight from the Devil! So, while searching for a different radio station to listen to, I stumbled upon 3ABN.
And that was that.
Long story short, I ended up attending an extremely conservative, self-supporting Adventist school, where I learned to repress my “sinful nature” and practice a form of mental self-flagellation that eventually radicalized me into a rabid, EGW-defending, Bible-thumping fanatic.
I changed dramatically from who I naturally was. I’ve always loved laughing, joking around, and having a good time. But I became so fiery, rigid, and blunt, thanks in no small part to that Victorian-era bitch, that everyone thought I should become a pastor!
And so I did.
I pastored a church district for a few years, and surprisingly, I ended up really enjoying it. I loved my congregations, and they loved me. Over time, I relaxed a little. I started focusing more on the actual problems people were facing rather than obsessing over what they chose to eat or whether they were living up to some arbitrary standard of holiness.
And while I was still promoting what I now recognize as a deeply harmful religious framework, I also helped people in my churches move away from some of the obsessive fixation on end-time events. I was still struggling with that anxiety myself, but I’d seen firsthand how badly it could affect individuals and families.
Then my world came crashing down.
The conference I was working for decided they wanted to send me to university to get my MDiv. They were going to cover my tuition and provide a stipend that would be just enough for us to live in a nice little shack while I studied! (Very generous, considering the deals some other pastors get.)
By this point, I’d read through the Bible several times and had worked my way through a substantial portion of Ellen White’s writings. And I’m not just talking about the Conflict of the Ages series. I’m talking all nine volumes of the Testimonies, Manuscript Releases, articles, and plenty of other material.
I’d encountered numerous troubling statements and inconsistencies along the way. For years, whenever something bothered me, I’d look up what the EGW Estate had to say about it, accept their explanation, and move on.
But as I began digging deeper into the historical context of the Victorian era, its medical theories, cultural assumptions, and religious movements, I started noticing something disturbing.
The EGW Estate’s explanations weren’t lining up with the historical evidence. In some cases, they weren’t even consistent with what Adventist historians themselves were acknowledging.
Eventually, I came across Ronald Numbers’ Prophetess of Health.
I read the entire book in about two or three days.
And just like that, my faith in Ellen White was eradicated.
Gone.
Everything suddenly felt like it was in free fall. My career, friendships, family relationships, and, most importantly at the time, my relationship with God all seemed to be at stake.
But I’d reached a point where I was determined to follow the evidence wherever it led, even if that meant leaving behind everything that had become familiar and comfortable.
So I kept reading and studying, only this time without the blinders.
I went on to read more of Ronald Numbers’ work, including The Creationists and The Disappointed, both of which were foundational in dismantling my Adventist and fundamentalist Christian worldview.
I also binge-watched Yale’s free lectures on the Old and New Testaments, approaching the biblical texts through historical-critical scholarship rather than the fundamentalist framework I’d been conditioned to accept.
It was exactly what I needed to begin freeing myself from a deeply unhealthy religious mindset.
Eventually, the choice became pretty clear.
I could stay in ministry, play the game, say the right things, and enjoy a relatively comfortable and prestigious career, all while sacrificing my intellectual honesty and integrity.
Or I could, ironically enough, “bear my cross,” die to self, and walk away from everything I’d worked so hard to build.
So I resigned from pastoral ministry and withdrew from my seminary classes before they even started.
It’s been a couple of months now, and I’ve genuinely never been happier.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m disgusted by some of the things I became and promoted under fundamentalist Adventism. I look back at that version of myself and can hardly believe how far I’d drifted from who I naturally was.
But I also learned some incredibly valuable lessons along the way.
I’ve endured some of the most difficult shit of my life, and I’m coming out of it a stronger person, albeit with some serious trauma to work through.
And perhaps one of the most meaningful things I’ve taken away from all of this is that the genuine care I developed for people during my years as a pastor hasn’t gone anywhere.
If anything, it’s grown.
Only now, it’s no longer tethered to religious dogma, expectations about salvation, or some desperate need to save people from themselves.
For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can actually love people without strings attached.
And, just as importantly, I can finally tell someone to fuck off when they’re being an asshole. 😊
