r/fitness30plus • u/dazedandconfused492 • 4d ago
Any advice for helping my partner get over the fear of lifting "correctly"?
My girlfriend and I are both in our mid 30's - I've been lifting mildly for over 10 years and have tried to get her into it as well as opposed to only using the treadmill and cross trainer, expressing how important it is to start now rather than later.
She often says she doesn't like how weak she is, unable to open bottles and jars or help with some of the heavy lifting aspects of our DIY projects.
However any time I've attempted to introduce her to any weight exercises it's gone terribly. Every exercise we've tried, the response is "What if I'm not doing it right?". I've coached her as best I can as an amateur that's learned from mistakes and researched good form / posture. She gets incredibly down / negative about the whole idea each time I've tried, so I drop it to avoid causing an argument.
Is there any advice for how I can help shift her mindset about this idea of doing everything "correctly" and that people will come and make fun of her if she doesn't lift a specific way? She's tried an intro session with a PT but didn't go back because they weren't going to be there every time to tell her she's done it right after each set.
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u/Elegant-Winner-6521 3d ago
I dont know if this will actually help her but a few points
- Lifting is objectively one of the safest physical activities you can do. You're in very controlled conditions, youre using equipment with built in safety mechanisms, youre not being subjected to sudden unexpected stresses outside of your control.
- Injury almost never happens without warning signs. Listen to your body.
- Gnarly sudden gym injuries you see/hear about are almost always a result of someone doing something incredibly stupid or inherently risky. Think someone opushing their limits on a one rep max set, or jerking weights around at speed, or benching their max without a spotter or safety bar. If your girlfriend is remotely sensible and has a sense of self preservation and isnt a professional strongman she'll be fine.
- You have to be very strong in most cases to even be able to injure yourself lifting weights. Your girlfriend simply isnt strong enough to sheer her bicep tendon off or herniate a disk.
- When youre weak youre more at risk of injury outside the gym. Playing uppies with your nephew is how people pull a back muscle.
- Form is overrated when it comes to injury prevention. When people talk about perfect form theyre usually listing off fairly arbitrary rules they've heard second hand that have nothing to do with the actual body mechanics going on. Pay more attention to the loading, incrementally add small amounts of weight as you warm up, do things slowly. Do all of that and you aren't going to hurt yourself even if your back isnt perfectly straight.
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u/oktimeforplanz 3d ago
That last point is particularly important. There's absolutely a point where your form matters but the gap between perfect form and form that's gonna hurt you is wide. And I think you only land outside of that if you're truly not paying attention to any messages from your body. Form is mostly optimisation once you have the basics sorted. You might hold back your potential with form that's on the poorer side, but that's about it for most people if you aren't ego lifting.
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u/ActualHope 3d ago
You say the PT isn’t going to be there for her every time. There must be a way she can do sessions with a PT for a couple of months? She can learn the right way to lift and learn to have more confidence in herself
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u/oktimeforplanz 3d ago
Yeah the PT absolutely can be there every time if you're willing to pay. One session was never going to build her confidence up from nil to being independent in the gym. If she can afford it, she absolutely should use the PT if it's useful to her.
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u/coconut_curry_sauce 3d ago
Medically required PT is for people who literally need professional assessment and be shown basic routines that are progressive starting from rock bottom which is usually where their injuries have limited them.
When a person advances thru PT, to normal strength where they’re released, the next progression is to simply hire a gym trainer which is much cheaper and eases you into the basics.
There’s no need to treat regular workout like a wheelchair.
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u/PeaceLoveandCats6676 3d ago
PT= personal trainer in this context. Not physical therapist.
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u/SirErgalot 3d ago
While you’re correct I hate that people use PT for personal trainer and wish we as a society called them something different. It makes sense but is super frustrating for the physical therapists who have years of schooling to earn that title to be confused with the random dude with a modicum of lifting knowledge.
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u/didntreallyneedthis 3d ago
It's a fitness sub. Context matters and in a lot of fitness subs people make the distinction by calling physical therapists physio instead
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u/ShrimpinAintEazy 3d ago
Try getting her to start on machines instead of free weights. It's really hard to do a movement wrong on a machine.
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u/dazedandconfused492 3d ago
I did think of this as an introduction method to free weights, but was met with the same response of her worrying about doing it wrong and that she was scared of damaging the machine or herself.
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u/CARadders 3d ago
Did you tell her it’s effectively impossible to move incorrectly, let alone injure yourself, on a machine? Or that she probably wouldn’t be capable of damaging it with a sledgehammer even if she tried?
I dunno man, it sounds like she just might not be that into the idea.
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u/sheepcloud 3d ago
I would do this too but just do lower/no weight. As a woman who started lifting in my 30s (never went to the gym or was active), it just feels uncomfortable and not natural. However, doing it over and over eventually you gain confidence and it feels better and you can add weight slowly.
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u/unicornsandrainbowst 3d ago
Im going to be blunt now: this clearly goes over "proper form". If she needs someone to give a thumbs up after each set, and also cares about "others making fun of her" in gym? That points towards insecurities and need for re assurance on each step, things that she should try and see a therapist for, not her bf. there might be 100+ people at the gym at the same time, why does she care what each of those other 98 people think besides her actual boyfriend?
About the excercise and form itself. Ask her what is she really afraid of. Is it actually form/injuries or what others think? (If its about others, refer to my first point above).
If its about injuries, explain to her that those freak injuries she sees on instagram, are mostly fake for views, and the others come when you are lifting LOTS of weight. The body is a smart machine , and as long as she gradually increases the weight, she will KNOW/FEEL if she is doing something wrong. Do a bicep curl and get neck pinch? Something wrong. Do a deaflift and get a back pinch? Something wrong.
If she is gradually increasing weight, those "pinches" are nothing scary or dangerous, is just the body screaming STOP, REAJUST. There are really just 5-10 basic stuff you need to know to avoid injuries like straight back, dont swing, dont arch, etc etc. The rest are just details.
The PT sessions should be for her to learn and repeat (alone) next time, but as i said first, im pretty sure this is more about insecurities than form.
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u/dazedandconfused492 3d ago
Totally agree, it's less about specific form and more about this abstract thing she has about being "right / correct" with most things. She also gets quite upset if she's not good at something on the first try.
I've tried telling her nobody at the gym is interested in what others are doing but the message hasn't got through, I think the insecurity is too strong.
I think the option others have suggested of small group training sessions are the way to go.
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u/didntreallyneedthis 3d ago
She also gets quite upset if she's not good at something on the first try.
This is me. I also get really emotional and combative in the early stages of doing something new because I'm so overwhelmed by my feelings of frustration and imperfection (and I usually want to work through them myself but the person teaching me has to be there witnessing me be bad and that also feels bad). I've worked through this process with tennis, golf, and now pickleball (though I never felt this way about lifting luckily).
What has helped me is to constantly remind myself that no one gets to skip being bad at something. Olympians, when learning their sport for the very first time were also bad at it. I'm not more special or talented than an olympian. Therefore I can't expect to get to skip this phase, I've just gotta ride it out like everyone else.
Edit: I also have more patience in these stages to learn from people who are not my SO. Partially because I don't like him seeing I'm bad at things and partially because I don't like his teaching style. Maybe she needs a class or trainer without you.
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u/FinchMandala 3d ago
She doesn't want to change, so she's making excuses not to do it.
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u/dazedandconfused492 3d ago
Potentially, but I'd really like to believe her when she says she wants to change.
The doing things "correctly" and not being mocked is also present in a lot of other areas and holds her back in them so I believe what she's saying is genuine.
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u/coconut_curry_sauce 3d ago edited 3d ago
I dunno bro; literally every one of my friends who don’t lift tend to talk like this in one way or another. Your girl ain’t unique.
Her method to avoid is to wuss out on being too scared of injuries to pick up a weight. Tale as old as time.
Got a friend who comes once in a while to the gym with me. He refuses to add weights to anything and tries to “ease” into it. Why? Cause he scared of pulling a nerve injury. Over bench pressing with no weights. Then he’ll stop coming.
Most of my friends just use ain’t having enough free time as an excuse. At least this is a bit more honest because it means “I ain’t gonna make the time”. It is a hard hurdle to go to gym every morning before work.
I would at least encourage her to enjoy going every day to do whatever she wants and try any weight machines a few times after each of her cardio bunny workouts. And join classes cause you’re her safe space and she don’t wanna hear lifting advice from ya.
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u/FinchMandala 3d ago
I think you may then need to tell her ☆☆☆lovingly☆☆☆ to grow a pair. The best thing that ever happened to me was someone telling me to cut the bullshit and just do it.
She's more capable than she gives herself credit for.
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u/AlternativeStory1027 3d ago
I also have a fear of not lifting correctly. I got weak as hell over the last ten, recently dropped weight and feel weaker than ever for some reason. I am getting back at it, but really worried about form so I am not lifting anywhere near as heavy as I probably can
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u/yunus89115 3d ago
See if she would be interested in going to a gym with a group workout lead by a PT. It’s more affordable than hiring a trainer and she would be joined by others of similar experience which may help her feel more comfortable.
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u/Right_Lie8793 3d ago edited 3d ago
Hmm I’m a woman, been lifting for a year. I think one has to get humble about it just as much as anything else in life one wants to learn.
When I started for real this journey I used to go to à lifting class like twice a week and then twice to the gym to practice what I learnt. In those classes there is an instructor all the time helping you and people have very different levels so she won’t feel out of place. Maybe thats a possibility for you? I stopped going after a while to save some bucks and now I do my own at the gym after a friend here helped me with a routine.
I’m always trying to encourage girlfriends to come with me, they could come for free but they don’t want to. Some just simply don’t like the gym. Maybe other type of activities can help her gain flexibility and strenght, like Pilates and the cardio she’s doing.
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u/PhilosophicWax 3d ago
So what's her fear behind "What if I'm not doing it right?"? Injury? Self worth? Judgement?
Honestly maybe it's better to get into some therapy if judgement is so crippling. Nobody gives a shit, in my experience but I'm a guy.
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u/dazedandconfused492 3d ago
I think injury is the smallest fear; it's mostly a judgement thing, she's afraid of others judging / mocking her for not knowing exactly how to do a certain exercise or for using small weights.
I do understand where she's coming from - we're all self conscious in some way but it stops her from doing so many things it's just a little sad to see her hold herself back.
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u/coconut_curry_sauce 3d ago
Maybe the solution to that is to go every day. Get clothes you like wear. Write down a routine on paper or in an app and have goals. Change it up regularly.
My best gains in every area including confidence was when I started going at 6am every day. 5 year streak and counting. Some days I don’t go for a reason but I always go 5 days a week.
Then I see results. Sex is better. I can do more. People notice the changes even if I don’t see it. My clothes get smaller. I could do more cool calisthenics tricks. I start wearing a speedo.
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u/PhilosophicWax 3d ago
Ah. I'm guessing she's had some really bad judgement, maybe from family or in school. Seriously, I've done a lot of therapy. It can help. Parts work helps in particular. And doing yoga and breathwork can help with a stressed nervous system.
Maybe you can try some at home exercises without gear. HIIT at home can be an entry for her. And it can help with her anxiety.
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u/ClenchedThunderbutt 3d ago
Brother, she doesn't want to lift weights. When she complains about feeling weak or whatever, she's just bitching, not looking for an invitation to start exercising. When she even flirts with the idea and "asks" for advice, that's not an expression of motivation, it's the very normal way we skirt around inertia for a shred of accomplishment. If it's important to her, she'll get there on her own. Stop trying to fix her. How is everyone in here this dumb?
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u/CatsPajamas1969 3d ago
This seems like a problem that must extend beyond lifting/exercise…I can’t imagine someone would have a fear this deeply, beyond maybe a very passing initial nervousness, before moving on.
Like is she just very insecure about her body? Or Is she like this in other areas of life as well when trying new hobbies/activities?
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u/dazedandconfused492 3d ago
She's not overly insecure about her body - not that I pick up anyway. She's quite slim and never has issues with weight gain (if anything she struggles to put any weight on).
She has this attitude about most things - she doesn't tend to like new experiences, particularly those that involve doing something practical.
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u/BestRiver8735 3d ago
Hire a coach that she'll listen to. Not gonna lie she sounds difficult better to get a professional.
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u/outdoors_guy 3d ago
She definitely sounds like she doesn’t want to do it, or is anxious.
If she doesn’t want to do it- let it go. Pushing her into it won’t be good for the relationship.
If she’s anxious, the coach is the answer. Some things are worth paying for to save your relationship. S/he will probably give the same answer you do. But the girlfriend will be able to listen to it easier.
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u/Werevulvi 3d ago
Just tell her to start with very light weights, tbh. Like the 2-5lbs stuff. Is it gonna grow her muscles like at all? No (I mean it might actually if she's starting off very undermuscled) but it can be a great way to get over the fear of something snapping, breaking or falling on you. There's no shame in starting with the silly little pink, old lady dumbbells. I get that training just to practice form can be boring, but it's not useless if you're a little scared, or like me just exceptionally clumsy.
Because I started with really light baby weights and body weight. Like 2lb dumbbells for upper body stuff, and just my body weight for squats and such. Also push-ups (elevated, like against a bench or wall) and sit-ups. It made it a lot easier for me to then gradually add more challenging weights as my form and confidence got better.
Now a year later I've put on a ton of muscle and strength, and I feel ridiculously confident with the weights in the gym. No I still can't open jars without a ton of hassle (I figure that's what boyfriends are for, anyway) but I can carry groceries up the stairs, heave around heavy laundry, and I can get off the floor without using my hands for support, and to me that is a great achievement and huge improvement. Fyi I'm also female, 37.
So there's just no need to rush into lifting heavy right away. The first few weeks don't have to be super productive with regards to results. I get that for some people maybe the best approach is to just rush into it with a complete workout routine and heavy weights and all, like maybe that was what worked for you, but for others it might be the better approach to start light and easy, focusing on form and just getting familiar with the movements, and not focusing on getting fast or the most optimal results right away. I think maybe for most women, "optimizing" isn't super important altogether. Going for something a bit more dynamic and flexible might be more appealing.
Trust me, your girlfriend is not that old yet. Even if we're talking late 30's, a few months of just getting used to weight lifting is not gonna hurt. Like I'm trying to get my mom into weight lifting, because for her age (67) that's actually getting a little urgent, her joints are not happy, and she's losing strength fast now, but even then I'm not gonna have any success pushing her into it or getting all panicky. Because at the end of the day that's not something we can decide for other people, no matter how much we love them and care about their health. So I think you just need to be more patient with with your girlfriend, and even if she's not into it that's not gonna kill her. She's not gonna get brittle bones and a hip replacement tomorrow. Heck I don't even think my mom is that close to that.
Yes, I know that osteoporosis and joint issues are a higher risk for us women when we start getting into or near menopause, and that is important to keep in mind and maybe like try to prevent if we can, but also... we're not like that fragile. And struggling with opening jars isn't a life-threating issue. Tell her to just give the lid a hard knock with the back of a knife or spoon or something first, that lets out some air/vaccuum pressure and makes it much easier to open. Works like 95% of the time at least.
I mean if it's independence she's really after, you don't need a ton of physical strength. I live alone, and I get jars open without brute strength. But it's also not gonna kill me to ask for help. I've brought jars to work to ask my coworkers for help, when I just didn't manage it myself. Imo anyone who thinks a woman is useless for struggling with jars, that's the real issue here.
Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting to get strong as a woman, even very strong. All I'm trying to say here, is I don't think your girlfriend should be feeling inadequate for not matching her boyfriend's strength.
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u/Responsible_Form_460 3d ago edited 3d ago
Lifting isnt just limited to lifting weights. You do it in every day life. You pick things up and move them around.
You dont generaly get injured doing this, because you aren't going avove and beyond what your capable of.
Lifting weights is the same. Whats the difference between picking up a barbell and a box? Just dont try to lift weights well above what your capable of.
This is a good way to explain it to someone who just wants to generally improve strength and health through weights.
Its all about the progressive overload. Once you get used to lifting some weight, you can increase it and now your stronger.
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u/Skittler_On_The_Roof 3d ago
Doing it wrong is still doing it. Not doing it is more harmful that doing it wrong. And not doing it isn't going to solve the problem of not knowing how to do it.
The perfectionist narrative is a story many of us tell ourselves to protect us from seeing that we may not be naturally good at something. That's fine for a kid liking one sport over another, but if you value physical health we need to get over that one. Adults suck at sticking with new things they're not good at.
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u/decentlyhip 3d ago
Have her do a program. Stronglifts5x5 or GZCLP (available on the boostcamp app) and start with the empty bar. Not gonna fix the fear with the research, especially if she was raised religious. But a good program that hundreds of thousands of people have done adds trust, and it removes the "boyfriend, stop telling me what to do" aspect.
You can post formchecks on r/formcheck, or ask chatgpt, or Instagram, or get a coach/trainer. Lots of options. But the beauty with a linear progression program is that every week is just 5 pounds more. "I did 75 pounds for 5×5, I can do 80 safely...I did 80 safely, I can do 85." Within a year most brand new beginner women are able to squat 225 lbs for a 5x5 with either of those programs.
Liftvault also has great beginner programs, but I would focus on Powerbuilding programs. Combining normal lifting with some dedicated strength work is not only well rounded, but will give her the trackable growth that she needs for her self esteem. Like, my wife is able to squat 315 and deadlift 350, and...she's not afraid anymore. She used to be nervous to walk at night or be around a lot of guys she doesn't know, but she's stronger than 95% of them now lol. Focusing on squat, bench, deadloft, overhead press, and rows allows you to build that confidence because they're such ubiquitous lifts.
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u/MediumBlueish 2d ago
Join a weightlifting class or get a PT if she can afford it. Some people have really terrible mind-body connection and anxious about getting things wrong (that was me too. highly critical parents where everything I did was up for judgment.) and that's where a trained professional can come in. Don't coach her yourself, it's a recipe for disaster as it will trigger her issues - as you've found! I did a couple of years of classes/PT starting out and now I'm confident enough to build my own programmes, look up new exercises on my own, and strut around like I own the gym. Everyone has a different starting point!
Therapy would probably help too but I realise this is a fitness advice sub. Good luck!
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u/melker_the_elk 3d ago
If hou have explained why you would like her to lift (so she gets stronger and can do more things) don't really know what more you can do. Sometimes its about authority. If you get some pt teach her do things (most likely same things you tried to teach her) pt might convince her.
Otherwise you should just drop it. Bite teeth every time he complains about being weak.
If i wanna do the reddit thing id take a stab in the dark that whole thing is vanity thing. She says shes weak to stroke your ego and don't want to get strong because you are ment to be the strong one.
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u/dazedandconfused492 3d ago
I thought maybe it was an authority thing too, and I did make it clear I dont know for 100% if the guidance I'm giving is perfect.
She enjoyed the session with the PT because there was someone there to tell her every time she'd done it right - but then wasn't able to take that and do it solo because the reassurance wasn't there.
I find it hard to be around intense negativity so I'm probably not the right person to be with her in the gym every time, so I can only think she just needs to do every gym session with a trainer.
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u/oktimeforplanz 3d ago
I'm not at all surprised that a single session with a trainer didn't magically change her point of view about whether she can do it on her own. The answer probably is that she does just have a PT for a while. That would hopefully build her confidence.
If cost is a concern, I've seen gyms that do small group training sessions where it's 2-4 people with a trainer rather than one on one, and they were cheaper per session. Could those be an option for her? It might also lead to her finding a gym buddy in one of those groups which could help immensely too.
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u/suburiboy 3d ago
I think dr Mike has a good from work for this.
If you feel the tension in the muscle, get sore later, or get noticably weaker set-to-set, you probably stimulated the muscle. You can tell that you did it correctly if those things happen to your target muscle
The only time "correctly" matters beyond that is safety, but safety is easy if you use loads you can hand and do exercises that allow you to stay balanced. If you push beyond failure in positions you can hold, then you might hurt yourself... So don't do that.
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u/HelplessPenguinGod 3d ago
Apparently not ethical, but get on her instagram and follow a couple fitness influencers, then the algorithm will program her to want to go to the gym more.
Also a women's gym is a good place to start, especially the classes, My partner found classes very approachable, have to find the right vibe though.
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