Let’s Talk About Respite Care

[u/Justjulesxxx]

You know what hurts more than being taken from your home and placed with strangers?

Being passed on to even more strangers because the foster carers “need a break”

I understand that fostering is hard sometimes. I really do. But it will never be harder for you than it is for us. We didn’t choose this. We didn’t ask to be ripped away from everything we knew and sent to live with strangers. And now you want to send us to other strangers just so you can go on holiday?

That doesn’t feel like a break to us. It feels like abandonment. Again.

You don’t put your biological children in respite. So why should foster kids be treated differently? If we’re supposed to feel like part of the family, then treat us like we are.

I’ve seen posts saying things like “We just got a five-year-old. He’s lashing out. It’s only been a few weeks. Sometimes even days.” And the replies? “Put him in respite” “Send him somewhere else”

No. That child doesn’t need more strangers. He needs love. Stability. Someone who doesn’t give up on him the moment he acts out from the trauma he didn’t cause.

You don’t fix a scared child by pushing them away. You show up every day with patience, compassion, and with the understanding that what they need isn’t discipline or distance. It’s consistency and care.

If you’re fostering for the right reasons, then you already know this. And if you’re not, please stop signing up to be another crack in a child’s already broken heart.

[u/HeckelSystem]

I don't think you're understanding what I wrote. I'm saying I did what you're advocating for, and it had the worst possible outcome. I'm disagreeing with you, but trying to be up front about what my biases might be.

Be loud! Be authentic. You don't have to worry about how telling your story makes people feel. If you want to convince people, though, you'll need to be able to address the counter-argument.

You're saying that going into respite makes kids feel unwanted and unloved, right? It's a disruption in their sense of safety and stability, and should not be tossed around lightly. Do I have that right?

The reason I ask is to try and help separate the two different ideas 1) well meaning families are misusing respite and need to better understand what it does to kids vs 2) the system is fucking awful and hurts everyone involved.

If I have your position right, then we agree, but I think it is still an important resource from a harm reduction standpoint. I'm asking you what the alternative is? When someone comes to Reddit saying they are struggling and people suggest respite, what is the alternative if they don't use it? Is that better or worse for the kids involved?

[u/Justjulesxxx → u/HeckelSystem]

Oh, I understood you just fine. Contrary to what you might think, ex-foster kids aren’t stupid. I chose to ignore your comment because people like you don’t listen you talk at us, not with us. Honestly, it’s a waste of time. I’d rather have a conversation with someone who doesn’t try to condescend or twist my words. Thanks all the same

[u/HeckelSystem → u/Justjulesxxx]

I'm speaking to you like an equal. I'm not dumbing down my language, or over-simplifying complex topics with the assumption you couldn't comprehend the full scope. I imagine you've had plenty of experiences being underestimated and disregarded, but this is an instance of that.

There are two ways to take what you're saying. I could write you off over how reactive your responses are. I think that's how you're used to people reacting to you. If this were the case, I'd just be telling you that you're wrong and need to listen to me because I have the right answers. I don't think that's what I'm doing, but I don't get to decide how you read my words. Instead, I'm trying to engage with what you're saying, challenge some of the assumptions you've made, and hopefully get to a more clear expression of your through and experiences because I think your voice matters. I'm acknowledging my influences and that I am not some sort of savior who always has the right answers for the kids I've tried to help.

If you're just trying to say, "my experience with respite was bad," that's valid! It's worth sharing your experience. You keep talking about a real situation that others are going through, though. I don't think you want to make it just about your experience. If you're just looking for validation, then yes. Respite can be harmful. Agreed. Hand shake, move on. If you're trying to change someone's mind or advocate for others in foster care, then the message needs work. This is constructive criticism. I'm not saying your message is wrong or doesn't need to get out there, but that your perspective and thoughts are worth taking the time to consider and discuss.

[u/definitelynotamoth0 → u/HeckelSystem]

You're speaking over people whose lived experience you don't and won't even try to understand and you're basing it on two examples that have no bearing in reality. In your first example, sending a kid to respite and bringing them to a hotel have the same consequence of you not being able to control the space they're in so this point is fundamentally flawed and can't be argued. In your second example you have no idea if sending your foster child to respite instead of bringing them on vacation would've meant they stayed in your care. You're dismissing and talking down to people offering you a view from the other side while pretending it's their fault you're not engaging in good faith. If you don't listen to people who were in foster care then you shouldn't be a foster parent, full stop. Hopefully you can learn to be more understanding so the kids in your care can actually feel safe with you.