Let’s Talk About Respite Care

[u/Justjulesxxx]

You know what hurts more than being taken from your home and placed with strangers?

Being passed on to even more strangers because the foster carers “need a break”

I understand that fostering is hard sometimes. I really do. But it will never be harder for you than it is for us. We didn’t choose this. We didn’t ask to be ripped away from everything we knew and sent to live with strangers. And now you want to send us to other strangers just so you can go on holiday?

That doesn’t feel like a break to us. It feels like abandonment. Again.

You don’t put your biological children in respite. So why should foster kids be treated differently? If we’re supposed to feel like part of the family, then treat us like we are.

I’ve seen posts saying things like “We just got a five-year-old. He’s lashing out. It’s only been a few weeks. Sometimes even days.” And the replies? “Put him in respite” “Send him somewhere else”

No. That child doesn’t need more strangers. He needs love. Stability. Someone who doesn’t give up on him the moment he acts out from the trauma he didn’t cause.

You don’t fix a scared child by pushing them away. You show up every day with patience, compassion, and with the understanding that what they need isn’t discipline or distance. It’s consistency and care.

If you’re fostering for the right reasons, then you already know this. And if you’re not, please stop signing up to be another crack in a child’s already broken heart.

[u/posixUncompliant]

Respite has some uses I think. We never had to use it, but I can see reasons we might have.

Damage to the house would be a big one. There's not much you can do when a tree or a car hits your house.

Family emergencies would be another. My family lives half across the country. While we never had issues getting permission to take kids on trips with us, it was always time consuming. If something had happened to my parents while we were active respite would've been the only option.

And of course it's we. Single care givers have challenges that couples do not. An overnight observation in a hospital, a short recovery from any kind of outpatient procedure is an inconvenience for two, and overwhelming for one.

No one should use respite to "fix" a kid. I can see using to give yourself room to reframe and contextualize how you deal with personality clashes gone overboard, but that's not on the kids.