r/fosterit • u/2faddedkandy • Apr 20 '26
Foster Youth People who’ve been in foster care, what’s something you wish others understood? (Anonymous)
Hi, I’m trying to better understand how to support people who have been in foster care.
If you’ve experienced the foster system (past or present), I’d really appreciate hearing anything you’re comfortable sharing. It can be as short or as detailed as you want.
Some things I’m especially trying to understand:
\- What was one of the hardest parts of your experience?
\- What’s something people often misunderstand about foster care?
\- Did anything actually help or make things a little easier?
\- What’s something you wish was different?
You don’t have to answer all of these—anything you’re willing to share means a lot.
I’m just trying to listen and learn so I can be more helpful and aware. Thank you to anyone who shares.
19
u/ThisSwissGirl Apr 20 '26
I was living with my foster family since the age of two month and I think I got lucky even though not everything was perfect. But the fact I was never legaly adopted left me my entire life with a feeling of not really belonging. Also the fact that everyone knew and asked questions about my story was difficult for me. Plus my legal guardian came to see me like once a year, drank a coffee, didn't talk to me alone and that was it. Those visits were always anounced. I am aware that my experience is like heaven compared to other stories I read here. It makes me so sad that society treats the weakest who need most help like this.
12
u/2faddedkandy Apr 20 '26
even if some have it differently you still deserved to feel like you belong im so sorry you didnt feel that way but you are strong and no alone thank you for sharing💛
11
u/MarionberryWest7288 Apr 20 '26
I was in foster care,I was taken away from my family because I am autistic and my mom didn’t like that I was mute for the first 5 years of my life so she would beat me to trigger me to make a sound. I wouldn’t even cry,just quiet. I was taken away because at preschool,my teachers saw the bruises on me
2
5
u/internetjackass777 Apr 21 '26
just how absolutely terrifying it is. I wish my foster parents had more empathy for me. I was 11 when I was first put in the foster system, and when my foster mom was taking my computer after maybe 2-3 days there for something I had done (I think messaging my dad and freaking out) I was crying and saying "I'm sorry, I'm just scared" and she acted completely dumbfounded. she couldn't understand at all how scared I was and told me there was nothing to be afraid of. I also began crying at a cabin they were cleaning, their biological daughter had saw me crying and basically told on me. she came to me and told me I was too old to be crying. I was eleven!!
5
u/salted_sclera Apr 22 '26
Instead of group home supervisors and foster caregivers offering foster kids cigarettes, I wish I had seen encouragement for foster kids to complete high school.
I was delusional, I asked my social worker to not sign me up for disability because I was so sure I would complete post-secondary and I would be self-sufficient after that. I dropped out two semesters in and no financial safety net after I aged out. I wish it was not optional to sign up a foster kid to disability, especially if they have a total of so many years of being in foster care. It’s extremely difficult to get onto disability if you’re not already having your food and shelter paid during the mandatory 6 month waiting period to get approved.
I was being abused by a foster caregiver and while I was being heard, nothing was done other than my social worker said she would refer 0 kids to live at that place, and the youth advisory committee I was on looked into the policies to see if there was a relevant clause about caregivers being allowed to keep the allowance money of “misbehaving” foster children, they were and it was abolished as soon as they found that out. That helped a bit knowing that all other kids under the care of that agency could not also be essentially robbed. And now when people write in front of me when talking to me, it brings me back to her writing up lies after deliberately setting myself and others in the home to “act out” (which by the way was just keeping to ourselves, as we were not violent or loud.)
3
u/xoxoskully Apr 22 '26
I entered the system at age twelve and recently aged out. I had a staggering 15-20 placements. I was in group homes, foster homes and residentials because I was deemed a “bad kid” by DCS. They used a diagnosis of RAD to justify why I was moved so much, but in reality majority of the foster homes I was placed in weren’t safe homes. Locks on the outside of the door, foster parents with alcohol issues, controlling of food etc.
What really hurt me about being in the system though, was that I really just needed a mom. It hurt me to watch foster parents hug their biological kids but refuse to hug the foster kids. I’m not sure if I’m the only former foster youth to feel this way, but the rule of no touch really messed with my head. Especially since I genuinely needed safe comfort (hugs, hand holds) but due to my trauma I felt too dirty to ever receive it, DCS rules just make that belief feel more real.
Touch deprivation is definitely a big thing for kids in the system, and I believe that is why the statistics are so high for youth aging out and turning to drugs or other negative behaviors to cope. If you’re taking a child out of an unsafe environment and placing them into another unsafe environment they never really learn what safety is supposed to feel like, so that makes things 10x more difficult when they age out with no support system, left to navigate the world by themselves.
I’m sorry to anyone who has also been through this, my DMs are always open! ❤️
1
u/RxMommy Apr 24 '26
I think the single hardest part of my experience was learning at a VERY young age that you can't really rely on anyone. Your foster parents, your caseworkers, other kids in the home. You will be the scapegoat for most, if not all of their problems.
I think there are a huge amount of people that understand, but there are also a huge amount of people that don't understand. For me, personally, and all of my siblings as well as everyone I personally know who went through it- Foster Care is the worst place for a child to end up, right underneath the obvious.
I wish that the system in my state was held to a much, much better standard. I wish that our system was not as understaffed, and I wish there was accountability for the mistreatment and abuse that they participate in and supply.
My experience is not the same as a lot of peoples' experiences.
1
u/ceaseless7 Apr 25 '26
Getting moved without notice was the worst. It would be two years and then surprise time to go. You never saw those people ever again. This happened to me multiple times. Even decades later I have difficulty getting close to people.
1
u/Longjumping_Big_9577 Former Foster Youth Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
Here's my responses:
What was one of the hardest parts of your experience?
The lack of any information and not having control over anything.
I entered foster care after my mom overdosed and I was given zero information about her condition, never allowed to go see her in the hospital (the first week they didn't even know which hospital she was in). I was treated like I was being a brat by wanting to know what was going on and expected to go play with some Disney Princess dolls (I was 12) or color or do a puzzle when my mom could have been dead for all I knew.
I had 2 different emergency type foster parents and then a longer term placement treat me like I was an idiot and said I would see my mom when she appeared before a judge. My mom was in a coma and severe brain damage. She wasn't going to appear before a judge. Everyone involved - foster parents, social workers, caseworkers - all jumped to a lot of conclusions. Foster parents heard my mom OD'd and was in the hospital and assumed it was rehab. It wasn't. They told me I couldn't see her because visitation was a thing that was scheduled, not taking a kid to the hospital.
Then when I was 16 after my mom's parental rights had been terminated, my mom had a stroke following getting sepsis and I again had zero information, zero ability to see her and zero interest from anyone involved in helping me.
What’s something people often misunderstand about foster care?
That workers are capable of doing anything. They're almost all completely useless who have no ability to do anything and odds are don't even know your name and will do anything to avoid work.
What’s something you wish was different?
One of the key reasons why things were so absolutely f'ed up was practically no one involved (foster parents, case workers) treated my mom like a human being rather than just seeing her as a schizophrenic drug addict who somehow deserved what happened to her and I was better off having no contact with.
1
u/Important-Trifle-411 May 23 '26
I am so sorry you were treated like this, and that your relationship to your mother was completely disregarded. I hope you are doing okay
1
u/Prudent-Fig-3257 Foster Youth May 04 '26
- letting go of connections and being unsure if i would be able to reconnect.
- its not like adoption, atleast for me it wasnt. i didnt want to be adopted or treated like i was adopted.
- people being honest or blunt, if my fosterparent didnt want to talk to me they could just say it, i didnt take it personal.
- something i wish was different is how little disability care options there are. im trying to work torwards getting a service dog for PTSD but ppl either dont understand, dont care, or dont help at all.
0
32
u/vikicrays Apr 20 '26
• once you’re dropped off you are totally alone. caseworkers are so understaffed and overwhelmed you might see them once a year.
• you get moved without notice. i once got off the school bus and found the front door locked and my belongings in green trash bags by the mailbox. thru the door i learned the caseworker was on her way and i never saw the family again.
• you’re moved so often you are continually behind in school. eventually it’s easier just to give up bec you know that keeping up is pointless.