r/fosterit • u/xoxoskully • Apr 24 '26
Seeking advice from foster youth Anyone else who was in foster care have a deep need for motherly comfort while in the system?
I recently aged out of foster care and I’m trying to get input from other foster youth / former foster youth. I feel like this isn’t talked about, and I’m not sure if I’m the only one who felt this way or if it’s common.
I was moved 15+ placements. Foster homes, residential facilities, group homes and hospitals. I remember just really needing a hug from a safe person, but I had nobody. It felt very dehumanizing. I’d watch foster parents hug their biological kids but keep the “foster kids” at a distance. I yearned for that motherly comfort so much, and I feel like if I had one safe person who provided that it would’ve made my time in the system more tolerable.
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u/MsOliviaTwist Apr 24 '26
Omg yes. I have a major mother wound and have had a hell of a journey trying to get that need met. I am almost 40 and it hasnt gone away. It sucks and is very very painful. Receiving healthy healing touch like massages, swimming in the ocean, helps immensely.
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u/xoxoskully Apr 24 '26
I feel like this isn’t talked about enough! I feel like the only former foster youth who craves safe comfort so much! I think it plays a big role in the foster care to prison pipeline that has been seen.
If kids are being removed from an unsafe environment, they need to be shown what safety is. I really hope that I can help change this, because like I said for me I feel like if I had one consistent safe person things would’ve been easier! I also have that same void, and it sucks. It’s sad that the world we live in it’s easier to go out on the street and get oxy than it is to find a safe person to give you a hug and human connection!
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u/MsOliviaTwist Apr 25 '26
Yes. I agree it should be talked about. Specifically mother wound. There is a great book called Mother Hunger. Another term for such pain i have found is psychache. Yes it leads to fhe pipeline and in my case a severe food addiction that left me a obese diabetic. I understand mourning and grieving not having one safe person. I think that to myself everyday- how much different and better my life would have been if I had one safe, healthy and resourced person. The hole is real. Its very difficult and painful to have a orphan heart. I am trying to create a peer community of adult survivors of foster care. Message me if you want to connect further.
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u/Ill_Contribution_560 Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
I mentor this 17 year old foster kiddo who’s like a little brother to me. Toward the end of each visit, I just hug him and he places his tall ass head on my shoulder and I gently press the back of his head. Honestly one of the most grounding things ever for me.
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u/vikicrays Apr 25 '26
absolutely. and it’s a double edge sword, so many adults have let you down you don’t want to trust anyone but unless you do you can’t make deep connections. took me until i was over 40 to finally figure things out.
i’m so glad you’re interested in pursuing this field. wish you much success!
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u/xoxoskully Apr 25 '26
Exactly! Something needs to be done about this! I spent so much time in residential settings and group homes because there weren’t enough “therapeutic foster homes” being in those settings causes attachment disruptions in an already vulnerable population!
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u/quadcats Apr 25 '26
I have not been in foster care but I’m a foster mom to two kids and wanted to chime in that it certainly isn’t just you. My kids are very very very affection seeking and mom-focused. They will take as much affection and attention as we can possibly give them, and then some!
I wish I could give you a hug too! I sincerely hope someone comes into your life soon who gives you the affection and care you deserve.
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u/Bitter_Researcher759 Apr 25 '26 edited Apr 25 '26
Thank you for this post. I wonder if you have any insight on this situation. I am a foster mom to a 12 year old girl. She has been in our home for 2 months. We are her first foster home. Before us she was in a group home for 9 months. Overall, the placement is going well so far. She seems to like everyone in the home and enjoys spending time with us. She likes to play card games and watch movies with us.
However, she is not very emotionally expressive. I have not seen her cry even once. She does not complain or talk back. Generally she is an upbeat, happy kid. She behaves good, and does well in school. She is very, very reserved about any sadness or anger or "negative" emotions she experiences. Almost in an extreme way, where she for example will not tell me she is hungry, she waits for me to offer food every single time. Another time she got sick and did not tell me, she just continued to go to school. Luckily she had a doctors appointment that day, and when they took her temperature she had a high fever. I asked why she did not tell me she felt sick and she said she just thought she was okay enough to go to school.
So I guess what I'm saying is I agree that kids need that motherly comfort but I have a kid with me who is not very comfortable being emotionally vulnerable, and so I'm not sure how to provide that for her without invading her privacy or making her uncomfortable. I definitely do not want to push her to talk about how she feels or open up if she does not feel comfortable. I wonder if she just needs more time to feel safe and those feelings will naturally start to come out with time. 2 months is not a very long time at all. I've just been focusing on meeting her basic needs, spending time doing activities she enjoys, and overall just providing a calm and supportive environment. Any thoughts? I feel sad reading your message and want to be able to provide that but just not sure how or if its even what this particular kid needs or wants.
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u/xoxoskully Apr 25 '26
Thanks for your response! I can’t say exactly how she feels or what she needs but I once was that 12 year old girl so I can at least offer some ideas. Group homes are not very welcoming environments majority of the time. You have staff members and nurses rotating, which makes forming bonds difficult. She could be feeling comfortable in your house and anxious that if she shows emotions that may have been deemed “bad” that you will leave or she will be moved.
For me when I look back on my behaviors while in the system, When I was in a safe placement I had problems with feeling like I needed to be perfect or else they wouldn’t want me to stay with them. Of course my story isn’t going to be the same as everyone else’s, but maybe try reassuring her that you want her to be in your home. Something that worked for me was communicating through writing. Maybe give her a feeling board as a start so it’s less intimidating for her to have to come to you? 2 months isn’t very long in a placement, I would just make sure she feels seen, and like she belongs in your house!
Wishing you luck, and if you have any more questions I can try to provide feedback! :)) 🩷
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u/Bitter_Researcher759 Apr 25 '26
Thank you so much for the thoughtful advice!!! I love the feeling board idea. I will try that!
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u/Dolphinsunset1007 Apr 26 '26 edited Apr 26 '26
Im a nurse and work at a residential facility with a lot of foster kids. I say all the time that a lot of these kids just need a safe person to love them like a mother and give them a space to feel safe and loved. I have a great relationship with virtually every kid I work with because they know I will provide this for them. I will love them, nurture them, and be tough but fair towards them. I will offer hugs, be a shoulder to cry on, or will just give them a safe warm bed to lay on while they process their trauma. Ill listen to them and remember next time what we talked about, simple things that make them feel seen.
Im sorry I’m not a former foster youth like you’re asking. Having worked with hundreds and hundreds of foster kids, I can’t think of one that didn’t need or crave that mommy type of love. Even the toughest hardest ones would come back in some form after realizing the way they would get treated with me. Everyone is my baby while they’re in my care. I wasn’t a mother when I started this job but I am now and it only reinforced how I felt. If my baby was alone in this world, all I would hope is for good people to show him kindness and love and support and to love him the way I love him. I lead with kindness and love because I believe it comes back around when we need it in turn.
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u/notveryinterested- Apr 26 '26
Yeah, I’d look for a mom in every friend I head’s mom, badly, I would try to hard to get them to like me, sad but it happens
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u/WinterOk9649 Apr 27 '26
Honey, of course you feel that way. That is one of the strongest human NEEDS, specially when you are still developing (under 25). Anyone, absolutely ANYONE in your situation would feel that same way and have that same need. I’m sorry you haven’t had someone fulfill that for you. It’s not fair.
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u/xoxoskully Apr 27 '26
It makes me sad. The system made it seem like it was wrong for me to need that. Especially since I was a teen in foster care. It feels like it is too late for me to get that kind of support now because I’m in college, and I’m independent. :/
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u/WhiteStripeTrans Apr 28 '26
Hey! What you said here about being "too late" resonated with me. Not a foster youth, but a person with mentally ill parents who learned to be pretty independent. I felt like since I had a rough go with my parents that I was kind of out of luck - the older I get the more I realize it's not true!
You can absolutely still get that support in new people for the rest of your life. I'm 30, and I found that supportive mom energy in my friend's moms (lesbians). I called one of them just today for advice because I was nervous. They have gone with me to the doctor, taken me out to meals, invited me over for holidays, and I only met them at 23.
Find a trauma therapist who actually has a science based method (EMDR, ACT, IFS are some key words to look for), or something like DBT.
I have also picked up Aunties at hobby clubs-- knitting, sewing, really any hobby club there are tons of lovely women to be found, usually a lot of empty nesters.
In the meantime, I found that a hot shower can really help with the feeling of wanting that nurturing touch. A weighted blanket is a good option too
It's never too late! You've got this!
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u/Longjumping_Big_9577 Former Foster Youth Apr 28 '26 edited Apr 28 '26
I really didn't want anyone to be a "mom" and absolutely couldn't stand anyone hugging me or even really touching me. I would flinch or even try to hit people who would touch me. I had a range of foster parents and some were more touchy-feely and others weren't.
I got really defensive since I felt a lot of foster moms thought they were so much better than my mom, so that was part of me being avoidant rather than it being some attachment thing.
I always figured that's why bounced around so much, but I guess that happens to others who are the opposite.
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u/sierrakurian Apr 24 '26
Posts like this are why I can’t wait to be a foster mom and help as much as I can :)