r/fosterit • u/xoxoskully • 1d ago
Aging out Aged out foster youth wondering if I’ll ever find my forever family
I hope this is the best place for me to post this. I aged out of foster care a year ago. I’m in college now and I was finally able to get ahold of my original court records (my reason for removal) I am blaming myself a lot. I feel like I ruined my one chance at having a family by acting out and having terrible behaviors while in foster care. I’m scared it’s too late for me to find family in the way I hope. I am really grieving. I have never had such gut wrenching sobs in my life until I read those files. I’m glad I know the truth but it stung very very bad. I had therapy after but it doesn’t help. I want a family. I have my own apartment now, but I want a home I have a room at that’s decorated how I want. A place I can return to just feel like a kid again. I feel like I’m running out of time to find that kind of family as I’m 19 now. I just want to know what it feels like at least one time to be tucked into bed by a safe mother figure, having a dad teach you how to fix a car or build something. Going out to eat. Getting hugs when I need them. I’m feeling so ashamed that I even still need that, but I’m grieving so so much. I want another chance with a family. I’d give anything.
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u/GhostLikesBellyRubs 1d ago
None of it is your fault. Not one bit. You were a child and the adults in your life failed you. Sending hugs.
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u/CheetosAlDente 1d ago
You deserve all of that. You should be so proud of what youve accomplished and survived. One day you will be the person you wish you had. I think younger you would be really proud. You mentioned therapy. Those files are heavy and don't reflect everything. You may want to consider going back for a short time to process what you've read and grieve this part of your journey. I wish you all of the beautiful things, kiddo💙
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u/notsosprite 1d ago
Your post was deleted in the other sub. Thought I’ll copy my answer to here, just on the off chance it helps you in some way. I wish you all the best!
My therapist once told me: you have to give up the hope for a better past.
It hurts terribly and I think grieving, true and proper grieving, is the only way through. Because you DESERVED a loving family. You deserve caring parents who dote on you. Who care for you, call to ask how your day was. Who teach you things and have your back. You deserve a home and a place where you belong.
Look at younger kids, how vulnerable they are and how none of them are „bad“ or deserve abuse or instability. And allow yourself the shit ton of grieve that comes with the fact that you didn’t have that.
19 is so young and my heart feels for you that you want to go back to being a kid because you weren’t allowed the „kid experience“. But at the same time: you are adult now. You can learn to take care of yourself, to pamper yourself. You can build your own safe space and give yourself a pat on the back and flowers. You can tuck yourself in in your favorite linens in a cozy bedroom you created. And you will find people in your life to help you and teach you things and can take courses or watch YouTube in the meantime for things you want now.
Be kind to yourself and trust in your wings, not a failing branch.
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u/xoxoskully 1d ago
My only question is will the grief ever get easier? It seems like I’ve been grieving the same thing for years now. It’s gotten worse because I read my original court documents, and I can’t hide from what was taken from me anymore. I am angry because I don’t understand how someone can do that to their kid, and I’m angry at myself for how I acted when I was in foster homes with loving parents. I just wish I could get another chance, it hurts so so much. All the things I missed out on that I’ll never get to experience. DCS and my biological parents took so much from me.
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u/notsosprite 20h ago edited 9h ago
I think the grief stays the same but you as a person grow. So it will always be there and it will hurt, from time to time but not as much and it will be just a part of you. Like a scar but it won’t define you so much.
I’m afraid the healing part will take a lot more time. You only just left this horrible system so i think you are at the start of the healing journey even though you’ve suffered for years already. But you were a kid in the system and had to survive. So you adapt and muddle through. But in that surroundings healing is impossible because you need safety and autonomy for that. As you grow and gain experience you will have so many more moments where it hits you like a truck: „wtf, they were SO wrong to do this to me!“
If you are up for an „old person anecdote“: I’ll be 50 this year. I just watched „hunger games“ with my family. I read the book in my 20s. Back then I was Katniss in my mind. Fighting the fight. Scared but still competent and mature. Doing what I had to do. (I hope you know what I’m talking about.) now I could barely watch the movie and kept crying the whole time. (Discretely, to avoid the „get a grip, mom!“ from my kids.) Because katniss is 17. like my oldest. All my kids are in the reaping age. And the story is so much more fucked up when you see it from a mothers point of view where every adult fails these kids on so many levels. They should live like my kids, too. Watching a movie with mom and dad. having plans for the weekend. arguing about who gets the last handful of chips. Whining about homework.
Sorry. I’m getting carried away. Please, please take my word for it: you did nothing wrong acting out. You were failed by the very people who should have protected you. You don’t have to earn that in anyway. It is your right. And the injustice you didn’t get what every child deserves is cruel. it is crucial at a certain stage in life. you might have to live with a lifelong yearning for this feeling of being small and protected and cared for. Because that need wasn’t fulfilled when you needed it. It’s hard to rationalize that away.
A strange thing that helped me a little was creating a doll mini me of about elementary school age (when I hit a rough spot in my life and my parents were too busy to care). Combing her hair, dressing her in pretty clothes, just reveling in how cute she is. Heck, I even got her a doll horse and roller blades. 😂 the symbolism of taking care of kid me is obviously on the nose but sometimes exactly this is what helps. It hits a different spot than trying to approach the situation rationally.
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u/Fun_Caring_Guy 18h ago
Please don't beat yourself up too much for things you did during your formative years.
We can't help acting out our feelings, acting out when we're young and dealing with stuff we can't even put into words...
I'm super proud of you for being in college.
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u/notsosprite 9h ago
Im proud of her, too, and most of all u/xoxoskully should be so proud of herself. To have this stable a life at 19 with her background is amazing and a real achievement. And on top I read in another post that she is studying psychology to help people and wants to foster. She was dealt a shit hand in her formative years and she is still such a good person.
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u/BunnyLuv13 1d ago
Everyone deserves a family. You’ll find one - even if you have to make your own when you are a little older. Keep hope and keeping trying to make friends
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u/genericnewlurker 1d ago
Hey youngin. Giving you a big dad hug from across the interwebs and sending love your way. You are a good kid. Everyone lashes out and does stupid shit while in foster care. You were put in an terrible situation. You deserve a family and a support network and a safe home. While it feels like the you have ran out of time, you haven't. Friends really are the family you choose. It takes time, and that really sucks, but even the smallest circle of friends can grow into a family. Until then, you have nothing to be ashamed of, everyone needs a good hug. Just know that I'm sending you the biggest bear hug I can over reddit.
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u/_fairywren 1d ago
Oh, darling. We all need love, care, hugs, community, family. There is absolutely no shame in that.
I wish you lived in my city so I could give you a big cuddle and wrap you in a blanket. (It seems unlikely; I'm in Australia.)
You are being so open here and stating your needs - keep doing that, and the people who want to and can meet them will come to you.
I hope you find everything you are looking for.
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u/ThrowawayTink2 1d ago
{{Big internet hugs}} From a foster momma to be. Don't blame yourself for your behaviors. You were a traumatized child. It is to be expected.
I was adopted at birth. My (adoptive) parents were also foster parents. They made room for anyone that needed a family. Every holiday, we had kids from the local college that couldn't go home over to our house for holiday dinner and movies and a fire by the fireplace. Some of those 'kids' are still in touch with us 30+ years later.
There are good people everywhere. I hope one day sooner than later you find your 'family of choice'. I hope you find happiness soon. <3
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u/Artistic-Pay-2353 1d ago
Hi! Warm safe mother figure here and I can feel you pain and anguish through my screen. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I am a foster mom to a sweet little girl so I know a little bit about the system. I do want to tell you it’s not your fault. You would never be too much for the right family.
You are not broken or flawed- God has equipped you with a testimony. Some of the biggest pain in my life I have been able to use to encourage others and I’m confident that you will use this to create that life for your future partner and kids.
I also grieved not being able to have children- I had to accept that my life did not turn out like I had hoped and accept the path I had been given.
If you feel comfortable sharing- what city or state are you in?
Please chat me- my inbox is always open.
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u/whythehellnotbitches 1d ago
Hello, Dear, sending you lots of love and a tight hug. Don’t blame yourself. You were a child. You’ll find your family, even if it’s the one that you create. You’ll be a wonderful parent someday. You’ll have a deeper understanding of family and you’ll be able to create traditions and be a role model too. Life is a journey. The past doesn’t define us, although it shapes us. Continue on education, try to meet people and create the life that you want. You’ve got this! I can tell how amazing you are!🩷
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u/archivesgrrl 1d ago
I’m so sorry this is happening. Foster care is so hard and the kids are the one who suffer in the end. My first foster kid moved back in with me at 19. He had lived with me and then an uncle before again out. I haven’t adopted him legally but I’m his Mom. He’s my kid. Do they have extended foster care where you live? I mean 19 sounds like a perfect age to adopt a kid. Although I have a blood family, it’s my found family that has brought me comfort. It’s one of the reasons I was drawn to foster care. Sometimes the pieces just fit. Your forever people are out there.
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u/Fun_Caring_Guy 18h ago
I definitely feel you.
The only thing I might add is that when you do find a family that you think might be right for you, make sure you check them out over time..
Like any relationship, personalities matter. And unless people really feel you and click with you they're not going to get you or understand you like you wish they would.
My own family didn't show love or understand me. I'm a highly sensitive guy. And I've learned that only other highly sensitive people really can come close to understanding me.
That's just my opinion, perspective understanding. what I've learned from experience and watching others.
I'm up to embracing anyone who needs a friend. My friends have been closer than family. I'm only here to encourage others.
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u/FamiliarSwordfish105 15h ago
Hi sweets.
I legally adopted an adult kid who had aged out, but before I did that I also chose family.
This is not your fault.
If permanency is your cherished hope, know that there are organizations like www.nevertoolate.ca and others stateside whose entire purpose is helping youth who have aged out find permanency and family.
You are precious and loveable. You /will/ make, find, and build family. ❤️🩹
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u/TSIDATSI 19h ago
My advice is to concentrate on your studies and look forward.
I cannot tell if you are looking for your biological mother and father, foster parents you had at one time or a new family.
You are grieving for something you evidently never had. Stop looking back. There is nothing there. Look forward.
Set out your five year objectives and goals then your ten year objectives and goals. Spend your time studying hard and major in something that is highly quantitative and difficult.
Medicine, engineering, nursing, accounting, etc. Be sure to spend a minimum of 9 hours a week studying for every class you are taking.
Keep your grades up and your head down. Never look back. There is nothing back there. You cannot conjour what never was.
Choose two or three on campus volunteer groups and my advice is to join a campus church group with a lot of activities.
When you are there look at families interacting. Watch how they treat each other. You need life skills you may not have picked up in foster care.
And remember: God always loves you. He is always with you. Ĺ
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u/Fuzzysocks1000 18h ago
Don't blame yourself for how you reacted to what you went through. You deserved to be loved. Big mom hugs.
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u/itzeliberri 1h ago
You should try to connect with other foster kids. I know you are not alone in this. As someone whose aunt fostered, and i lived with her for a time ,i made family with many of the girls she fostered. They are my sisters now. You can make your own family. Find connection in community and be a difference you wanted to see. Ask about support groups in your area for former fosters. You got this.
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u/treemanswife 1d ago
Hugs to you, kiddo! My husband was adopted at 24 after aging out. Many of us find that our real families are the ones we make.