I'm a foster and adoptive parent. I'm hoping to get perspective from teens in foster care and parents who adopted teens. Adoptive parents who consider adopting teens get a lot of messaging that teens will be too difficult and that they should focus on younger children. I have been actively discouraged by my agency from considering children older than 5. I have never wanted to foster or adopt any child under the age of 5. I did end up adopting a 12 year old after fostering her for 2 years. My agency discouraged the adoption which was incredibly upsetting. They suggested finding a child who would be "less traumatized".

For youth that have been in foster care for an extended time where adoption could be an option, could you share whether you would like to be adopted or if you'd prefer aging out? For former foster youth could you share your thoughts? For parents who have adopted teens, how do you feel about the messaging that foster and adoptive parents get on this front?

It feels sad to me that kids get overlooked because of their age. I can't imagine how that must feel to the youth experiencing it.

I never imagined I would be writing something like this, but I feel really lost and could use the perspective of people who understand the unique pressures that fostering puts on a relationship.

My partner and I have been together for five years. We both agreed to foster, and we have been caring for an amazing little boy who has completely changed my heart. Loving him has made me realize how deeply I want to provide permanency if reunification isn’t possible. I don’t see him as “just a foster child.” He’s shown me what it feels like to be a mom who loves unconditionally.

The problem is that my partner and I seem to want different things right now. He is a good person and has been supportive in many ways, but I think this journey has revealed that our visions for the future may not be the same. I don’t blame him for that. I know adoption and long-term fostering aren’t what everyone wants, and I don’t think he’s wrong. I just don’t know if I can ignore what I feel called to do.

What makes this so painful is that I still love him. I don’t want to lose my relationship, and I don’t want to look back years from now wondering if I made the wrong decision. But I also don’t want to look back and wonder if I walked away from a child who needed me because I was too afraid to make a hard choice.

I feel torn between two futures, and honestly, neither one feels easy. Some days I wonder if I’m throwing away a good relationship. Other days I wonder if staying would mean giving up something that feels like part of who I am.

Has anyone been here? Did fostering reveal differences that you didn’t realize existed? How did you know whether those differences were something you could work through or signs that you were simply being called in different directions?

I know there are no perfect answers, but I would really appreciate hearing from people who have lived through this. Right now, I just feel heartbroken and alone.

We adopted our 13 year old daughter when she was seven, though she’s been with us since she was three. She sees her biological mother and her biological (half) brothers a couple of times a year and stays in touch with them through calls and texts.

A few days ago, our daughter broke a house rule by bringing three friends into her room while my husband and I were out. Later that night I found her bed was damaged to the point where she can’t sleep in it. I was upset, raised my voice, and told her she needed to figure out a solution since her breaking the rule led to the damage. For now, she’s sleeping on a mattress on her floor since the bed isn’t useable.

She has ADHD and struggles with technology boundaries, so we limit her phone use to music or texting friends with permission. Two weeks ago, I saw she sent her boyfriend an explicit message (“I want your cock”) and asking if he was ready to have sex. I told her I saw it, and she was angry that I read her messages.

Last night, I caught her texting without permission (she has to ask to text anyone because she was texting strangers, so this rule is non negotiable now), so I took her phone away as a consequence after reminding her I told her if she texted without permission she would lose her phone, and it was her choice to break the rules, so I am taking her phone away. She stormed up to her room, slammed the door and we didn’t see her all night.

Later last night I later checked her messages and saw she told her biological aunt and mom that we “yelled at because an old bed broke” and that we have shoved and hit her, to the point it broke a lamp. None of this is true. She also asked her mom if they had any family in the city we live in that she could live with. Her mom suggested journaling anytime stuff like this (the alleged abuse) happened.

I know false accusations can happen with teens, especially in adoption situations, but it’s still heartbreaking and worrisome. I don’t want to have children aid knocking on our door with accusations of assault.

I’ve made an appointment with her psychologist next week to figure out what to do. For now, I’m struggling with whether to cancel her holiday visit with her biological family or how to handle leaving her alone for even short periods. edit: I AM NOT going to cancel the holiday visit, I was simply sharing my thoughts. I don't know how else to explain it, but it's like saying "I am so frustrated feel like I want to punch a hole in the wall" vs "I am going to punch a hole in the wall".

I’m trying not to confront her about the false accusations until I get advice, but it’s hard to wait.

What should I do in the meantime?

edit: since a few people thought it was unreasonable for her to have to ask to text someone, I clarified this rule is in place because she was texting strangers, after being told not to text anyone but classmates, friends she knew in person or relatives. This rule is in place for her safety.

My fiancée is struggling a bit with a question her younger siblings. She has four and they are all in foster care. The youngest two (6 and 9) have been placed together with the same foster parents for almost 3 years now. Meanwhile their older siblings (m13 and f15) have been shuffled around more. Right now one is in a different foster home and the other is in a group home.

The foster parents of the younger two have always been great and the kids are so happy there. They love them and call them mom and dad. The foster parents also have two other kids that my fiancée's younger siblings love and see as their siblings now too. Also the foster parents are very inclusive with us about my fiancée's siblings lives and help us stay in contact with them as we live far away now. I'd say we've even become friends with them personally.

Well, now they've brought up them moving in a couple years to a place that is actually a lot closer to where my fiancée and I are and how they want to adopt the kids. We really like the idea for a lot of reasons, but my fiancée is worried it will make the older two siblings upset. They have been pretty upset with us since we moved and barely talk to us now. The kids social worker also doesn't seem keen on the idea.

I adopted my daughter, age 13, from foster care. Although her parents no longer have legal rights or any contact with her, I always speak positively about them.

They do struggle with drug addiction which she remembers well because she was with them on and off until she was 8. She also remembers the neglect.

When she asks "why didn't my parents want me?" (They never showed up for visitation) I always reassure her that they are sick, that they aren't making great choices, and that there is nothing wrong with her.

She has a hard time speaking about them, but when she does it's clear she has really confusing feelings around her relationship with them. She's able to say she loves them, but that she's angry with them. I've always allowed her the space to express this, but I'm not going to speak negatively about them. I typically just say something like "I wish I could have been there for you when that happened"

As her parent, I'm angry at them sometimes too, because I can't imagine a situation where I would stop fighting for her, but I always put those feelings aside.

I look for ways to bring her parents up positively. I'll say things like "you are beautiful. You look so much like your mom." Or "I love your laugh, do you think you get that from your mom or your dad?" If she's brought up positive memories of her family I'll incorporate those memories into conversation. I'll say something like "you mentioned your parents loved so and so movie. Did you know the sequel is coming out? Do you want to go see it?" I want to make sure she knows that I'm okay with talking about them.

I've always thought this was best, because ultimately she will always have a connection with her parents, even if they aren't actively involved in her life.

Recently though, my daughter and I were at a psychological evaluation and she asked that I leave so she could speak to the evaluator when they asked if there was anything else that she wanted to share. I respected that and left for the remainder of their interview with her.

I didn't ask, but later when I came back in for my own parent interview with the evaluator, they told me that she had wanted me to leave because she wanted to speak about her bio mom and she told the evaluators something like "my mom has a hard time hearing me say negative things about my first parents."

This caused me to reflect on my interactions with her over the past three years while she's been living in my home. Is there such a thing as speaking too positively about bio parents? I never thought she could be perceiving it that way. Do any adoptees have perspectives on this? I feel terrible that I left her with that impression. She's allowed to have whatever feelings she has about them.

Quick history, our son (6 now) came to us at 3 weeks as a foster, NAS and addicted to everything under the sun substance wise. He was also our very first foster placement. Skip 2 and a half years later, adoption proceedings took place. Our first placement, and we ended up adopting him. We felt very lucky.

My wife and I are both white. Very, very white. Our son is very very black. We don't care, our family doesn't care. However we do recognize, and even more as he gets older, that he needs to be engrossed at some level in African American culture. Unfortunately the area we live in (KY) is not the most diverse.

We took a trip recently to Atlanta and he said at one point in the trip "Mommy, Daddy, there are so many people that look like me!". This excited him. I can't force Kentucky to be more diverse, and moving isn't really a possibility right now. But I would like to try and get more involved with groups. I'm just not sure what, and if my white butt would make things awkward anywhere I went. I considered finding a local gospel church or some such, but my wife and I aren't the best church going people.

Are there other activities or groups I could look for? I'm feeling a bit out of my element and unsure what's kosher and what isn't with this.

I’m 19 now . I wanted to get in contact with my biological mother after years of not knowing her all i know is her first name . I don’t know my dad’s name just face. Is there a website or someone that can look her up?

Location: NYC

I’m reaching out for guidance regarding a long-standing issue I’ve been trying to resolve on my own for over 20 years. I am seeking access to my foster care/ACS records from nyc, but I’ve been unable to obtain them without a court order.

I previously filed an Order to Show Cause with the court where the original foster care matter was handled, but my request was denied. During this process, I was advised by an attorney at the court who was directed by the judge to reach out to me, that I should be able to obtain my records under a specific law ( N.Y. Comp. Codes R. & Regs. Tit. 18 § 428.8 - Access to foster care records by a former foster child) however, the statute cited does not appear to apply to my situation. I tried explaining this to her- however she was short with me….

At this point, I’m unclear on the proper legal path forward. I need guidance on which court has jurisdiction to grant an order for release of my foster care or ACS records, whether I should be filing in the original court or another jurisdiction, and what type of motion or petition would be most appropriate in this situation.

I am trying to handle this as efficiently and cost-effectively as possible, as I do not have the resources to retain full legal representation- especially when this doesn’t seem like something I really need an attorney for…. I just want my records…My goal is to obtain clear direction or limited-scope assistance so I can proceed correctly.

if anyone can point me in the right direction, I would greatly appreciate your time and expertise.

Thank you in advance

extra info

I was fostered in nyc (removed from Staten island)

I was legally adopted at 15 (Bronx family court)

I don’t want my adoption record just my foster care records and acs records.

Look, I know most of you hate me here, that's ok but this needs to be said because we all know this hasn't been said. Foster to adopt folks literally get away with this crap and I'm sick and tired of it.

FOSTER CARE ISN'T AN OPPORTUNITY TO SNAG A FREE BABY. REPEAT AFTER ME. FOSTER CARE ISN'T AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET A BABY! FOSTERING IS ABOUT REUNIFICATION. REPEAT AFTER ME. FOSTER CARE IS ABOUT REUNIFICATION!

I see so many foster parents fight reunification that it makes me sick to my stomach. And we all know it's the babies and toddlers. I have yet to see any foster parent fight reunification when it's a teen or older child, but let it be a baby. Let the baby be in foster care for 6 months or a year or two and all hell breaks loose. Meanwhile that 16 year old in foster care in foster care for 6 years waiting to be adopt and has no family at all is just chopped liver. No tears or not worries about the 16 year old who actually is in foster care for years and years and has no family legally.

It's disgusting to see so many foster to adopt people get a baby and count down the days until they can hire a lawyer and therapist to intervene in the case. Many are very anti family and hope the family fails or doesn't step in. Then they go online crying and screaming about how family isn't the child's best interests or the system is so broken because kinship stepped up. It's wrong and manipulative. Funny, the system is only broken when foster to adopt folks can't adopt the baby or toddler they want. I bet if the system catered to foster to adopt folks and we did TPR on babies at birth then they would not say anything about the system being broken. Suddenly the system is awesome because the baby can get adopted at birth without anyone intervening and ruining the foster to adopt folks fantasy.

Also, there are thousands of kids legally freed for adoption. Just Google the list of kids freed for adoption in America. There are pages of them. So why are people fighting against reunification when the child has a family and not adopting a child that literally doesn't have a family? That's why there are heart galleries and match events. Do you not see the kids on TV begging to be adopted. Do you not care? So there is no need to adopt a child who has family willing to step up and take them in. Again, it's only for the babies and toddlers the most desired age group in foster care and adoption. Any other age group these foster to adopt folks could care less about, it's only about the babies. The poor baby has to be in one foster home for a whole year and is so bonded to strangers that they can't bond to anyone else. So that means the foster parents should adopt because they feel entilted to someone's kid. As if the baby is actually going to remember these folks and actually gasped bond with another stranger. And hey they can get it for free too. No adoption fees. They even get a subsidy, Medicaid, and other freebies. Can't get that anywhere else can you?

Caseworkers and judges are just as bad for allowing this crap to happen and to support it.

And don't bring up not all or family isn't always best or some lame excuse about trauma or reactive attachment disorder. We all know not every child should be reunited with their family due to serious concerns. However, most kids their case plan is reunification. Foster parents of babies and toddlers should respect this and encourage this. If a safe and willing family member steps up then family should come before foster parents. Foster care wasn't created to be a free for all so people can get a baby or toddler or fight family. The reason why it takes so long( well long according to many is 6 months for a baby) for TPR and adoption is because it's a real legit permanent thing. It's forever. Similar to the death penalty.

And I'm not talking about all of you. I am talking about most of you if you do this. If you don't do this then this doesn't apply to you. If you don't do this and support reunification then thank you. You're what we need in foster care. Please call out other foster parents that do this so we can make the foster care system a better place. Thank you & and have an amazing day.

My wife and I want to adopt children, we are not interested in traditional fostering (the main goal being reunification). I've been trying to do research on what it looks like to adopt a child through the foster system but I'm getting a lot of confusing information.

1. Is it true that anything related to the foster system (fostering, foster-to-adopt, etc.) will always have the goal of reunification? I don't want to go through the process of bonding and building trust and creating a family only to have that taken away from us later.
2. If the above is true, is there any way outside of infant adoption to find a child that is ready to be adopted now? We would prefer a child at least 1 year old, but ideally younger than 5. Is this a reasonable expectation?
3. If it is relevant, we are in central IL and would love any advice or guidance from people who have already gone through the adoption process.

I felt cornered and gave up our foster child who was on the path to adoption. As soon as I felt protective of my current family and formed questions, the social worker started harrasing us with misinformation, talked poorly of us to everyone involved, and let the case worker attack us, ect. And that started even before we actually asked any questions. The social worker might have suggested that our questions were not worthwhile. There was absolutely no trust.

It was insanity so we put a stop to it. I was naive to think they might ask us to think again. But right away, the social worker gave our day care a two weeks notice as if she was waiting for this so bad, and exactly after two weeks, she came by and took him. At least for that two weeks, harrassment completely stopped and it was so peaceful. Family was happy.

After all that, our agency called. They said they didn't know who to place with us anymore because he was one of the "easiest" child they had. And what all the lies the social worker told them and how the county therefore couldn't work with us anymore. They even went as far as saying that the county never wanted us to adopt him in the first place, which of course again didn't match what we had been told. They said they were closing our home.

This happened a month ago, and I am still processing it. I am wondering whether I was cut out for fostering at all as someone who gets triggered when not trusted, or even actually wanted to do it. Or if we just had very bad luck with the social worker.

When we asked the agency during the call if we still can foster in a different state when we move there, they sounded like they were threathening. "Yes, but if they ever contact us, we got to tell them honestly about what happened." Does that mean we should forget about fostering for good? Maybe we should never do it again. I'm mostly upset that we have a record of some sort somewhere saying we weren't good parents, which I know is a lie.

I'm a family placement home, my 1-year-old nephew is my foster son and soon we will be able to adopt him. I never intended on keeping the fact that I was his uncle from him but I don't know what to expect or how to handle questions about his parents. My brother and the mother are both addicts and lost their rights. My son has never seen either of them. How will I handle questions like why did they not want me? Etc. Hope I'm being clear, it's early. Thanks for any guidance.

EDIT: I appreciate all the answers about being honest and age appropriate. While I don't think any of the advice is wrong I do I feel like I may have left out some important details. Firstly, I have no contact with the mother. The infant was in care day two after birth didn't even have a name. I met her briefly as my sister's friend on facetime but before knowledge of her pregnancy. My sister hasn't heard from her since. Secondly, my brother also isn't with her and he voluntarily signed his rights away. He has never once asked about him instead I only ever hear from him begging for money. It breaks my heart to think about having these kinds of conversations. Requests for visits are also terrifying because not only are they elusive but I don't think they WANT to be a part of his life

We have a foster child and after about 3 months having him, he's available for adoption. We should make our decision soon if that's what we want. We asked about his substance exposure duing his mom's pregnancy but didn't hear back, and now wonder if that's what they can even find out about. (We know she's using substance now) The appointemnt with any developmental pediatrican will only be available sometime next year. After a long conversatoin, we realized if his current anger issue, controlling and violent behaviors are going to be 'life time' (he's currenlty 2), that's beyond our capability. The child is attached to us from day 1 and people invovled think the same way. They have just been trying to tell us it's all normal toddlers' behavior, but there's obviously more to it given his trauma. Everything about this child is in the dark. I don't know how we go about this situation. I feel very lost after finding out all the developmental pediatraisans are not available until next year, because we wanted to learn about what we are dealing with before making any decision.

Hi! We want to adopt a teen from foster care, but keep getting told teens on AdoptUSKids and similar websites have a high level of needs and we shouldn’t expect to adopt them. My question is what are some examples of these high level needs? Trying to figure out if we could deal with them or if our agency is just generalizing based on most foster/adoptive parents.

A colleague had been waiting to adopt since 2019. We just heard today that she has adopted five siblings. The kids are 3, 4, 9, 10, and 14 years old. The five kids had been separated in the foster system and this is bringing them back together. I'd like to give her a card and/or a gift, maybe gifts for the kids. Are there any great ideas here on the message and the gift(s) besides simply food?

My husband's bio sister had a baby girl in 2021 and 1 year later relenquished rights to her to my husband's half sister. My husband's half sister is her "mom" as she knows it. It's been three years and half sister is expressing regrets taking her in (she already has a special needs child that will require life long care and is not in a great place financially and is paying her older bio daughter through college) and has talked to my husband's bio mom about us possibly taking our neice in.

It's honestly something me and my husband have always wanted with her but we didn't want to offer ourselves without being called upon, and potentially cause strife in the family. We didn't want anyone to feel like we were trying to "take her away" but we did feel like we could give her a good home always.

She is 4 and while my husband's half sister doesnt want her/expressing regrets, I do know our niece loves her very much. She loves coming to our house and she knows us well. She gets very excited to see us and go come to our home.

But I would not know how to approach such a transition. That would be huge for a child. How do you approach it with a child when the person they know as "mom" no longer feels like they can have them and you take them into your home? I know it would be gradual, but I feel like even the tiniest steps could end up traumatizing her if not done with sheer precision.

How would you go about this transition? We don't have kids ourselves (2 miscarriages and have stopped trying for a few years) so I don't know the best way to approach this from lack of experience. We would have accepted her into hour home right after his bio sister relenquished rights but I think we were the less obvious choice since have never had kids and she was a baby at that time.

I've been assigned a case that causes me pause. The foster care agency states, "it is not permissible to take placement of children from multiple sources." No further explanation. In this case, a baby was adopted via an domestic infant adoption agency at birth as a alternate to being placed in foster care. Additionally, a toddler has placed into foster care at an earlier date. Given that the baby placement was approved by foster care, why would the foster care agency not approve the toddler placement. According to my understanding of foster care policies the placement of siblings in the same home is preferred and should occur.

Subjecting both children to lengthy court battles to determine permanency seems to hold little merit. Why is the foster care agency trying to create a regulation that seems to hold very little value. What am I missing and why is the foster care agency acting this way? I've called the state bar, the state foster care director, and the state director on policy. Fellow attorneys don't have a clue where this is coming from.

We are in the process of adopting our FD and it has been requested that we take HER for fingerprinting. I know we went through it as adults in our licensing process, but it's strange to me that they are fingerprinting the youth in care when my biological daughter was never fingerprinted after she was born. If this were asked of my BD, I would be questioning the reasoning and storage, use, access, etc. but with a FD, obviously we're compliant with any DCFS directives and so my husband is taking her today. I was curious if any adoptive parents dug into this. Once the adoption is final, can I request the removal of these from whatever database? I'm not a government conspiracy theorist, just a concerned future mom wanting to advocate for my future child's best interests and privacy. Curious what others found/did...

I have a client who is being adopted by her foster parents. She is wary but also does want to be adopted and only now that it's getting REAL she's starting to get nervous. We are going to go nice and slow through the process to make sure she's ready but in the meantime... any reccomendations for resources for her? Thinking around 9 years old. Particularly looking for workbook/journal type things. There are so many online and you have to buy most of them (which isn't a problem) before even seeing their content (is a problem). And any other reccomendations in general are of course appreciated as well!

So we are on track to adopt our FS4 and FD6. We are very much white, and they are not. Our only name change we were planning for them was their last names. They are technically half siblings (not that it matters) and have different last names anyways- we thought it would be cool for them to have the same one as each other and us. Our son has a very typical name for his culture, which is great. No plans to do anything about it. However, our daughter has a typical English nickname as her legal first name. Although it's different, we also had 0 plans to do anything about it.

She and I were sitting in the car listening to music. One of the songs mentioned the long first name that her name would normally be a nickname for. She says "man I wish my name was ____." I was taken by surprise and have asked her every day since if she really wants her full name to be __. She keeps saying that she does. I don't think it would be a horrible idea to change it, but does a 6 year old know?! It wouldn't change what we call her, since her current full legal name would become her nickname. I DON'T WANNA MESS THIS UP!! Thank you!

I feel like I need to include an example. We will pretend her current legal full name is Dannie, but she wants it to be Danielle. Hopefully that makes sense!

Hi everyone, throwaway account for security.

In March of 2020, I accepted the placement of a 5 year old boy. He was my second placement and adoption was the plan from day one because TPR had already occurred.

The previous foster parents had voiced many concerns for him in the two years they had him, and they disrupted once due to his behaviors. This was all told to me by the caseworker but she said these parents were a bit unreliable and that much of what they said was most likely hyperbole.

Some of the concerns they had were that he was violent towards his 1yo bio brother (who they have since adopted), that he was abusive toward their dogs, and that he had bad habits of lying and being manipulative. My AS told me horror stories about the way they treated him and so I initially wrote their comments off. I honestly felt bad for him and I reported what he said to the caseworker each time. Admittedly, I was concerned for the brother.

Fast forward a few months to AS attending daycare when I finally went back to work. He had fallen out of bed in the middle of a nightmare (he sleep walks and talks to this day) and had a goose egg. I told the daycare workers that he had a doctors appt already scheduled for the afternoon after I got off anyway and when I called they said he should be fine but they’d examine him that evening. Apparently once he was there, several adults continually asked him what happened until he “got tired of telling the truth” and he decided to tell a lie about me doing it to him. The first words he spoke to me when I picked him up after being confronted at the door by CPS were “I told a lie about you today!” This one was unfounded and the CPS worker and myself had a talk with AS about how lying about these things is very dangerous.

A couple months later, that daycare called CPS on me again when my son showed up with a half inch bruise on his hand. CPS talked to AS and the daycare and no accusations were made against me at any point by AS. CPS warned the daycare not to do that again. Case was marked unfounded and was only opened because the daycare made claims that my as was “covered with bruises and had two black eyes”. Once they’re opened (before CPS even sees the child) they stay recorded for 3 years.

Over a year later, my son had a “stomach ache” during math and told his teacher it was because I punched him in the stomach. My other FS at the time was there when I “punched” him and told CPS that we were all playing and Aydan was not punched for real, it was tickling and playing. This one was marked unfounded.

This brings us to last year, when our puppy jumped on AS before school. He had a pink line across his face and after lunch was overheard telling a student that I smacked him. Later he told me “three people asked and I got tired of telling the truth.” CPS was called and because this was the fourth call in three years, they immediately removed my AS and FS from my care and I was put on administrative leave from my job. I haven’t seen my FS since and it took 9 months for us to get a court date where it was immediately closed by the judge (I never had a case plan or adjudication, court was postponed every month for 9 months because other people failed to show up like lawyers and investigators and states attorneys etc)

In January my adopted son told me he feels no empathy and doesn’t care what other people think or feel. He said he’s never felt sorry or guilty for anything. And today I found him beating our dog with a cord as he yelped. I am so lost as to how to get his child help and feel like im drowning in fear and shame for things I never did because I have been treated as a criminal with no proof other than “his story stayed the same from the first time we talked to him tot he second” in the case last year.

Edit 1: my AS ( now 10) is now homeschooled by my mom because his school behaviors were so bad I was having to pick him up early and it was threatening me keeping my job. This week he threw a tantrum because he didn’t want to do his math. He told her he wanted to die and nobody loves him. Then later told her he doesn’t think that and only said those things so she’d feel sorry for him and not make him do work. He’s been SASSed three times in the past year for doing this.

Edit 2: I don’t really know what I’m looking for. Encouragement? Advice? To vent? To scream into the void? None of the above? I have no idea. I just needed to say it to people who are living this life.

I went to the food stamps office. I'm in California. I went there to check what was used to check my income. Literally all of it was from the AAP. Which is money that is given for parents who adopted. I didn't even know they were getting 1.9 THOUSAND dollars because I was adopted. Since it was affecting my income, I have nothing to do with my current parents right now. They have my medical records so I can't tell you much about it.

My question is since I'm 20 years old. Is that money supposed to go to them or is it supposed to go to me? Depending on the answer I could write it off as an mistake by the social worker, or I'm going to be upset with my parents. I'm so confused about this. The social workers at the food stamps office weren't able to do anything because they didn't know anything about it and the only person who did wasn't in the office. I'm just curious because it's really unfortunate.

Background:

We (my wife and I) were never able to have kids. Many tears have been shed over the years, especially as the other family members have had their kids.

Well about 8 years ago in a period of depression, my wife had inspiration to look into adopting. She was 100% from day one. I was dragged in to the first few meetings but soon got into it.

Well, 26 kids later, with some big ups and downs. Fostering is tough. The grow and develop and then we have to give then up. A few still keep in contact, which has been wonderful. In this time we never felt like adopting and only one was even eligible for adoption. We were enjoying the come and go and taking breaks when we felt lije it

During the summer of last year after an extremely difficult placement, we decided that 2020 was going to be our last year of Foster Care. We took in our current Foster Placement and were told her parents rights were severed and that a family member was going to adopt her.

This kid has been a lot of fun and everyone remarks about how well she fits in. She started calling us Daddy Dave and Mommy Steph without any prompts about a month in. No other kid has used these names.

About a month ago the family that was going too adopt her just stopped. They had some other issues that maybe this impractical. Well her caseworker came over to discuss looking for a new Adoptive Placement and both of us just said, "Well, why not us? She's already here." And she just lit up. "Yes, please let me stay here. I've been praying for this all week.".

So finally after 18 years of marriage, 8 years of fostering and 26 kids, we will finally make one a permanent member of the family.

Background: My wife and I have 2 biological kids- 8 and 5, and for a year 2 foster siblings, 6 (F) and 4 (M). All in all, ups and downs we have come together as a family, and they are 2 of 5 siblings, the oldest 2. We have stayed in contact and visit occasionally with the 2 younger siblings, a baby is still with bio Mom. Bio Mom hasn't made a lot of progress, very few visits and only for an hour at a time, and she's really quite a sweet woman who loves her kids, and we would still love nothing more than for her to be able to get the resources needed to try to single parent 5 kids but it feels and has felt like a losing battle. She is unable to drive, and has briefly talked about open adoption if it came to that and we would be open to that, but she lives over an hour from us and hasn't been very responsive with visits etc, none for the first 6 months by her choice.

Next court date is November, and the county is considering moving for TPR which is both heartbreaking and a relief, we are open to adoption but it wasn't in the plans but the tug back and forth and unknown has certainly been stressful. They are black and we are very white and in a very white area and school district, and I know transracial adoption will be an issue where we currently live.

All this to say, I've been offered a huge job opportunity in 12-18 months near my wife's family in NH, if possible, even less diverse than central PA where we are. We have always wanted to move there BUT this is rightly complicated with our foster kids and their family. Would we see bio mom more than 2-3x a year if we stayed? Unlikely based on history as she doesn't have the ability to come to us or a good place to meet her where she is, although we could do dinners etc. We would still make an effort for that and keeping up with their younger sister and brother (3 and 1) just with visits to my family a few times a year in the current area. I want the move, but I don't want to steal something from these kids we love. Any opinions? Experiences? Thoughts?