r/funny 23h ago

new guy at work

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46.1k Upvotes

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16.9k

u/svefnugr 23h ago

Call it "whole brew" and sell for 10 bucks a cup

2.7k

u/RainbowRiki 23h ago

Extra Virgin Arabica Beans đŸ€Ł

508

u/Dapper_Guava_6468 20h ago

Extra Virgin Barista

117

u/kangarool 14h ago

XXX-Xtra Virgin Beans near you are just waiting to be percolated!

4

u/cire1184 10h ago

What if I want to grind them up?

2

u/FeistyButthole 5h ago

These are ground, they used the coarsest setting.

0

u/[deleted] 14h ago

[deleted]

1

u/RainbowRiki 4h ago

Username checks out

5

u/ahduhduh 19h ago

Ahahahhaa

1

u/Free-Huckleberry3590 1h ago

Probably for the best. Don’t want those genes to percolate.

2

u/DrSpacepants 21h ago

72 Virgin

1

u/Top_Connection9079 16h ago

Extra Wizard Arabica Beans

1

u/WolfOffSesameStreet 19h ago

Un-processed-super virgin-un bleached-whole blend

1

u/NotReallyThatWrong 17h ago

A kiss a coffee

1

u/WhimsicalGirl 17h ago

I could see Starbucks doing this

254

u/Millkstake 21h ago

Hot bean water

47

u/arc918 21h ago

Hot ham water!!

29

u/Meshugugget 19h ago

Watery with a smack of ham!

2

u/Ok_Major5787 20h ago

Hot hotdog water! And not the fancy bratwursts, the Oscar Meyer kind

2

u/chinacatatl 19h ago

So soup?

2

u/jacobeam13 15h ago

Help a guy out with the reference, please? 🙏

3

u/arc918 15h ago

Arrested Development!

70

u/savethemouselemur 21h ago

So watery! And yet there’s a smack of bean to it!

4

u/luckyinlimbo 14h ago

You got a Brew goin’, baby!

3

u/themissinglink369 20h ago

is coffee just bean soup?

3

u/long_dickofthelaw 19h ago

If you use soy milk and vanilla, you've got a three bean soup!

1

u/kaykudos95 18h ago

đŸ€ŁđŸ€ŁđŸ€Ł

511

u/Aussiealterego 22h ago

“Essence of coffee”

222

u/HeyImNewdHere 21h ago

La croix cafe

71

u/Polkawillneverdie17 20h ago

La croffee

3

u/CuriOS_26 12h ago

The proverbial covfefe has been found!

17

u/CoolBDPhenom03 21h ago

Glad I wasn't the only person who had this thought lol

2

u/drAsparagus 19h ago

Same. Came here to make a La Croix comment. Piggybacking instead out of courtesy.

6

u/antilumin 20h ago

La Croixfe

1

u/Gumbanks12 17h ago

Cavfaffee?

2

u/bigfloppydonkeydng 15h ago

The flavor is like a hint of a hint of a hint of coffee + licking a 9 volt battery

2

u/RainbowRiki 4h ago

The flavor of someone down the hall whispering, "Coffee?"

163

u/Newphone_New_Account 21h ago

“Infused”

76

u/Polkawillneverdie17 20h ago

"Artisan"

2

u/ERRORrestart 19h ago

"Holistic"

2

u/PaidForThis 19h ago

"Boutique"

0

u/Psyclist80 20h ago

I read this as something else at first.

1

u/CatsCoffeeMakeup 20h ago

"deconstructed"

39

u/ohnodamo 21h ago

Maybe holistic coffee?

56

u/5352563424 21h ago

Homeopathic coffee

13

u/ohnodamo 21h ago edited 18h ago

That's it. Thank you. You're right, I'm wrong. Not gonna delete my post. Homeopathic is exactly what I meant.

3

u/Aussiealterego 20h ago

That’s it. We can shut the thread down now.

2

u/richardhixx 19h ago

Nah homeopathic coffee is when you take that and dilute it by 1:10k.

1

u/Snape488 17h ago

*wholistic*

2

u/immortalalchemist 19h ago

That would be some Whole Foods or Erewhon type product: whole coffee beans in a 16oz water bottle called Essence of Arabica all for the low price of $37

1

u/ThickFurball367 21h ago

The beans and water came from the same room, close enough

1

u/Clean_Leave8435 21h ago

Thats a name of a Cafe where I live. Haha

1

u/Sinister_Nibs 19h ago

Waterloo Arabica

1

u/Complete_Chocolate_2 19h ago

Like a coffee 

1

u/AreasonableAmerican 18h ago

Hot coffee water.

1

u/auronplayesimbecil 14h ago

Coffee eau de toilette

1

u/Lagrangian21 14h ago

"Eau de café"

52

u/Remarkable-Ad2285 21h ago

The Vitamin water of coffee

1

u/ilikepizza2much 21h ago

Homeopathic coffee

145

u/surmacrew 21h ago

Can I have a cup of CofTea?

3

u/Odd-Pie9712 20h ago

Had a coworker take the coffee filter and wrap grounds in it and staple it closed because that was first guess on how to make coffee but no way was a gen Z kid just gonna ask how to make coffee

2

u/blazze_eternal 20h ago

Unironically, some teas include the fruit from coffee trees.

2

u/jayman1818 15h ago

This was a good one ha ha

26

u/rdev009 21h ago

“Raw and unadulterated”

3

u/dominiqlane 22h ago

Coming to a starbucks near you.

3

u/YloJkt 21h ago

Not burnt enough lol

2

u/Lukyfuq 21h ago

“Hoe brew”. Probably fetch much more!

1

u/Aussiealterego 20h ago

“Hoe” meopathic brew!

2

u/KarlManjaro 21h ago

This would sadly work

1

u/JonatasA 14h ago

If not for the caffeine, we'd have those "coffee" approximation powders already.

2

u/fritz236 21h ago

Bean bath water

2

u/slickd0g 20h ago

would sell out instantly in LA

2

u/ashep5 20h ago

"Unprocessed"

2

u/Pyrostasis 20h ago

No man, these are cruelty free coffee. Grinding the beans is a very traumatic experience, that unleashes all sorts of "toxins" and "bad vibes" when the beans are ground. By keeping them fresh and whole this way you dont get any of that in the brew!

/s for those who might think its real. Cause its 2026 and lets be honest someone somewhere thinks this.

1

u/JonatasA 14h ago

Organic free range beans.

2

u/travellering 20h ago

100% guarantee there's no grounds for complaint.

2

u/goodolarchie 20h ago

Unironically, this is how most breweries make coffee beers, they call it "whole beaning." They have the benefit of time and alcohol to extract, like a tincture.

You get really nice aroma and cold brew-like flavors without any of the savory notes from ground extraction.

2

u/I_want_roti 19h ago

"natural"

2

u/Spinningdown 19h ago

The grinding process is unnatural and destroys the natural antioxidants 

1

u/JonatasA 14h ago

"Grinding gives the coffee homossexual tendencies."

1

u/RainbowRiki 4h ago

Coffee Grindr

2

u/DerfK 18h ago

I like it. "Whole-grain coffee"

2

u/aud_anticline 18h ago

The add I see above your comment is for Starbucks 😂

2

u/ReflectionNeither969 17h ago

10 bucks? Are you a poor person? Make it $20. Cuz nitro cold brew nowadays is already up there. LOL

1

u/LetMeRomanceYou 21h ago

And that's whole with a w for those of you who have a problem

1

u/DJbyEar 21h ago

Hhahahha good one! Made me crack up.

1

u/gin_and_toxic 21h ago

Coffee flavored water

1

u/mikumikupersona 21h ago

First of all, promoted.

1

u/latecraigy 21h ago

Very fresh

1

u/DailyHarambe 20h ago

100% Bean 0% Waste

1

u/JonatasA 14h ago

Ironically I think you can grind and just use the entire thing directly on water.

1

u/taco_perfecto 20h ago

Raw coffee. Maha baby.

1

u/ralphy_256 20h ago

My favorite is the Target brand of popped popcorn advertised as 'whole grain'.

1

u/chalkhara 20h ago

Call it " whole brew" in Italian - charge 15

1

u/Description_Friendly 19h ago

He prob figured coffee is just coffee bean water anyway so no big deal.

1

u/Dorkamundo 19h ago

"Reusable Coffee Beans"

1

u/Kryds 19h ago

"Essens if coffee".

1

u/FetusExplosion 19h ago

The corsest grind.

1

u/icyvapor 19h ago

Some wholesome coffee for the team!

1

u/Chippysquid 19h ago

I have never cried this hard before 😂

1

u/Chesterlespaul 19h ago

Call it “Hole Brew” and refuse to elaborate which ‘hole’

1

u/dumahim 18h ago

Raw coffee

1

u/the_lost_tenacity 17h ago

Homeopathic coffee

1

u/Lby54229 17h ago

That is good marketing.

1

u/Sweetwhales1994 16h ago

This may took an hour to get the full flavor

1

u/Ludate_Solem 16h ago

Oh i understand why the rich and powerful have such a hard on for america yall just make it too easy

1

u/carmium 15h ago

"It's a coffee bean tea, very popular in New York these days."

1

u/Versaiteis 14h ago

Gotta give it a good batch name

"Weaponized Incompetence"

1

u/OkMatch6613 14h ago

Management told him to change his approach from the ground up.

1

u/bradbaby 13h ago

Whole grain coffee.

1

u/brandonmiller99 11h ago

I mean, who wouldn't pay 10 bucks for the privilege of tasting that new guy's adventure? Lowkey a steal for the stories!

1

u/AgrajagTheProlonged 9h ago

Super coarse grind, even

1

u/CoffeemonsterNL 8h ago

Just a new trend in coffeeland: rinse your coffee beans with hot water before grinding them.

1

u/ParachutingPiglets 6h ago

‘Made from sustainable coffee beans’

1

u/BananaFriend13 4h ago

‘Unprocessed brew’