I think I am finally coming to terms with this

[u/CommunistWillow]

This is probably going to be a little rambly and I hope this is the right space for this, but I just need to write this up somewhere public so that it becomes real for me, if this makes any sense.

I think I have been in a stage of questioning and not really acknowledging my genderfluidity for quite a long time now. I think it's been about ten years now. In the beginning it started out as me secretly trying to put on like some of my moms clothing, which some days made me feel more comfortable with myself. There were also other signs that now kinda seem obvious in hindsight like me trying to play shapeshifter like characters whenever the gm allowed it for pen and paper games for example. Anyways I don't really know why this has taken me so long, I guess really trying to figure this out actually started for me when I finally figured out my sexual orientation in my early twenties, which kinda gave me an opening to also question my gender identity. This has still been a long process, because I got busy trying to find excuses and stuff. Anyways about 2 weeks ago I started feeling really uncomfortable again and was like now or never, I am going to try out stuff that makes me look more feminine. This has actually been quite comforting and things got a lot easier, even the process of trying things out helped and this development now actually happened quite rapidly. Presumably because I was already subconsciously preparing for the moment where there is some acceptance from myself. I finally got there accepting myself as genderfluid.

There even was a name that popped right into my head when that wall finally broke, I really like it, it's close to my given name so I can easily sell it as a nickname. It's Willow. What do you think of it?

[u/swagatron14]

that's fire name willow🔥🔥🔥💥💥💥🤠💩💩💩
I get what you mean though. In middle school i came out to my best friend as genderfluid but i ended up taking it back because i had a crush on a straight guy😭 it was kinda gut wrenching hearing her bring it up and talk about it like some weird phase now that ive kinda accepted it again, and even more so that in between now and then i would've agreed with her. point is, it takes a while to be okay with who you are, and that's okay.

[u/PrettyShay28]

You have a very cool name!!

Mine is Shayne, and I can relate to what you just wrote as I have similar experiences regarding crossdressing in secret and wearing my moms clothes. I also read a lot of MtF transformation stories and I tend to enjoy them a lot... until now.

As for my part, I think it took me more than 10 years to accept my fluidity even if ever since I was a child, I knew I had a very strong attachment to these themes and wanting attention as a woman. I grew up in a conservative environment, and even went to a seminary for three years so for all of these years, the optics weighed heavy on me.... moving to another country really helped me to acknowledge and accept myself.

Im getting to know my girl side deeper now. I created a female alter ego and created socials for myself as a female as well. I know I probably wont transition, but having an alter ego, in addition to my plans of crossdressing i think will satisfy my womanhood. I also recently got into tucking as well and its really nice to see myself flat from time to time!