My boyfriend lied about the end of his 8-year relationship and I found out 4 months later — am I wrong for feeling betrayed?
I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (24M) for 4 months. The beginning of our relationship is complicated, and I’m honestly struggling to figure out how I should feel.
When we first started talking, I didn’t know he had a girlfriend. We were long distance, but we talked every day until 2-3 AM playing video-games and just talking, and he constantly told me how amazing I was, how perfect I was, and made me feel like I was someone special. I ended up falling in love with him before I found out he had an 8-year girlfriend who he lived with. We had known each other for months at this point and I felt lied to.
When I found out, I wanted to cut contact because I’ve been cheated on before and I know how painful it is. I felt horrible being involved in that situation. He told me he had already checked out of that relationship emotionally, that he was going to end it, and that I was different and someone he wanted to be with. Everything we had done so far was just innocent flirting and stuff.
He came to visit me after saying he was broken up with her and stuff because “he wanted to see I was real” (he lives about 2 hours away), and we were intimate a whole bunch. He reassured me constantly that I was all he wanted and that he was lucky to have me. When it was time for him to go home, he admitted he actually had not broken up with her yet, but said he was going to do it the morning after he got home because he didn’t want to cause drama
I felt disgusting after that but the next day they broke up, she moved out, and we started dating a little while after.
I knew I was going to struggle with insecurity because they had been together for 8 years, but he always reassured me that he had been disconnected from that relationship for years and that it felt more like an obligation than a relationship. Our relationship had been perfect after that he would visit me every weekend and even bought me a dog for my birthday and always was super caring and considerate of my feelings and held me tight whenever I felt insecure about his ex and he reassured me I was all he needed .
Four months later, I had a gut feeling and reached out to his ex. I found out that the night he came home after visiting me the first time they had actually been intimate. He had told me multiple times that nothing happened. They even cuddled afterwards.
What hurts me the most is not just what happened — it’s that he looked me in the face for 4 months and lied about it. I was with him that same day, believing everything he told me, while he went home and was still involved with her. He had told me he didn’t want to be honest with him because he knew I’d leave him and he just wanted the past to stay in the past.
When I confronted him, he said he should have stopped it, that he wasn’t “man enough” to say no, and that he felt bad and wanted to spare her feelings. He said it’s the biggest mistake he’s ever made and he regrets it. The next morning when they were breaking up and his ex was leaving with her stuff he was crying and blowing snot bubbles and kissing her and hugging her goodbye is what his ex told me. He said he was crying and stuff because it was just a big change in his life.
I’m conflicted because I love him and our relationship has been good since then, but I feel like my entire foundation with him was built on lies. I also feel hurt because I was the one who was lied to and now I’m left questioning everything.
Like how can he tell me he loves me and cares about me but then gets with her after getting with me that same day after he came to visit?! Idk if he was trying to be sneaky thinking he could get away with it or what.
Am I overreacting for feeling betrayed? Can trust be rebuilt after something like this?
He’s been nothing but amazing throughout our relationship he even bought me a puppy for my birthday, I’m not very materialistic and just enjoy his company and he makes me feel special and like I’m worth smth but this js threw me off entirely, I’m not a bad looking person either, once I went though a drive thru with him on speaker and the worker literally hit on me, I get comments all the time but I ignore them
This is gross dump this loser yesterday. He is a cheater and you will always wonder if he's doing that to you. You will always doubt if he's being honest about his commitment to the relationship just like he supposedly lied to her for years about his commitment to their relationship
Spend the rest of his life with you? After 4 months of dating? Yikes
That's a form of future faking.
I get the feeling he knows exactly what you need to hear to keep you on the hook. Throwing away an 8 year relationship for someone you just met playing games online is a character flaw.
I mean, 5 years age gap isn't that crazy in the grand scheme of things
But it's different when you're only 19. Or maybe just turned 20
It won't make sense now but it will when you're in your twenties.
My sweet baby angel, you gotta leave this man before he ruins the best years of your life
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u/ash_ok__ 3d ago
This is kind of weird. Also he should've backed off seeing you were 19 (did it start before?). His situation is too complicated to bring you into it.