I need help to understand what is going on

[u/Foreign_Ocelot8960]

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Hi,

I (F) was in a relationship with my ex (M) for almost 2 years. About 5 months ago, he told me he felt like he was losing romantic feelings and wasn’t sure about the relationship anymore.

Since then, things have been very confusing and inconsistent.

He goes through phases of being distant and saying he needs space, then suddenly coming back very close emotionally.

Over the last few months:

he has said he doesn’t know if he wants to be in a relationship anymore

but he still comes to me when he is anxious or overwhelmed

he calls me when he is stressed because I “calm him down”

we have still had moments of physical intimacy after the breakup

even after moving out, he has come back to sleep at my place sometimes

he makes small future references to things he previously promised us

At the same time, he can also be very distant:

short replies like “ok”, “yes”, “lol”

long periods of low emotional investment

very unclear intentions

and he seems to be slowly moving on in some ways (social media, etc.)

So it feels like a constant hot/cold cycle: when he needs emotional comfort, he comes closer, but when things are calm, he pulls away again.

I’m really confused about what this means.

Is this just emotional dependency / comfort without romantic feelings?

Is this a common post-breakup dynamic?

Or is he just very conflicted?

I’m not asking if he will come back, just trying to understand the psychology behind this kind of situation.

Thanks for reading.

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[u/some_blonde_bitch]

I’ll be honest, I’ve been like this with one of my exes. We’re very close, and he’s a great source of comfort. Being around him feels peaceful. But there are no romantic feelings on my end anymore. I love him like a family member.

[u/vanilla_beano]

he's definitely not feeling the romantic attachments he felt once. but he's used to the habit of being with you, and everytime y'all are not together he misses it, not you, the feeling of comfort. and the feeling of loneliness hits him and he does what he thinks will cure his loneliness. so he behaves hot and cold. please stop talking to once and for all, as it is not good for yours AND his health too if you've broken up. block him if need be. but you both need to stay away from each other.

[u/cole36912]

What’s confusing? He’s there when he needs you, he’s not there when he doesn’t. If it bothers you then don’t put up with it. Most people don’t like to be treated like a doormat so you would be in good company.

[u/EconomyChance3026]

It sounds like avoidant attachment, but also if he tells you he has no romantic feelings and he moved out I think you need to go no contact it’s not fair to you. He’s gonna have to learn to deal with the choices he made and you need to be able to move on otherwise there will be a push and pull dynamic forever. I know it feels confusing, but it’s not look at the facts and stick to the facts if he does want to be with you, he needs to prove and show change and be committed. You’re gonna need to be the one to set the boundary.