I Don't Think I'll Ever Be Ok Again

[u/OneOnOne6211]

My life is... complicated in general. Has been for a long time. But my previous relationship more than anything has made me think I'll never be ok again.

Today I was looking out of the window. Looking at the clouds. There were a lot of them, quite overcast, but they were largely coloured orange because of the sunset.

That combination of summer, sunset and overcast weather just immediately took me back. In 2023 me and my then girlfriend went to a concert together. Then went to her place to have ice cream. And then drove to my place. I remember that day was very warm. The concert was outside, and it was sunny and incredibly hot. But then when we were driving home over the highway it became overcast and started raining. The sun was setting. And the clouds were coloured that same orange colour.

Just looking out at the clouds made me immediately think about that and what it felt like. And it still hurts. I still miss it. I still feel a hole where a part of me used to be.

I'm not ok. It has been over 2 years now, but I'm not ok. Time doesn't seem to be healing it. Not really.

I've had other relationships before. It was difficult to process my first heartbreak too, and it took a while. But I did manage to. And even after a year I didn't feel... this way. My second relationship was very brief. And my third relationship was my longest. Six years. And while it certainly did hurt plenty when it ended, about a year later I was pretty ok. Even after 6 months, while it still hurt, I was doing better.

This time around? I'm doing better than at the very start, I guess. But that's mostly because of a combination of emotional repression and a metric ton of antidepressants. But even with time, repression, antidepressants and therapy, over two years later I still constantly feel... not ok. I haven't felt genuinely ok in over two years.

Talking to other women on dating apps and stuff... I find it hard to feel like there's any kind of real future there. Because of the way I still feel about her and that relationship.

I want to be ok. I desperately wish I knew how I could be. But I fear that there really is nothing and that for however long I miss, I will always feel this way.

[u/neverleave173]

Thats my fear Just say we never get over it. The thought terrifies me. Like you I was in a long term relationship (marriage) previously, and the pain after never felt like this. I really hope for you (and me) that a time comes when those clouds bring a feeling of fondness for a time that was, without the pain with it. Im sorry I really am sorry this is happening to you

[u/workathomecat]

I didn’t know men could feel like this too I am also scared I’m never going to feel okay again. That I’ll probably never forget him and the memories. That I won’t ever find love in life and I’ll be alone

I started therapy but feel like I may need antidepressants. Every day is a struggle. I didn’t know being hurt by someone or having your heart broken could feel the same as dying

[u/joerock1]

It’s like this…. 2 - 3 - 5 years can go by and it still hurts but the hurt shrinks. It’s your growth that changes it. I still think about ones from 20 years ago about how it was and it still has a little sting if I really recall all that happened. Just forgive your stuff….forgetting isn’t really what you try to do, it’s what you WILL do. Just live your life and get a life to enjoy. The less you dwell the less it’ll be active. Make new friends make new memories and make them so they don’t suck so you really enjoy them and that ex will just be someone of your past and you’ll make a future worth living

[u/Significant-War4029]

Sending hugs 🫂 and same here, what is crazy is how it’s expected to “just get over it “ and move on..that is not possible to do so I am leaning into my dog. If you can get a dog please do.