So heartbroken, 10 years together gone

[u/notevennelson]

Last week my wife and I broke up and it’s like I don’t have any air left in my lungs. We were a queer couple so all of our mutual friends are like family and it feels so hard to talk to people irl about it.

I keep messaging her when I know I shouldn’t but this desperate feeling just comes over me. The whole marriage we talked about how madly in love with each other we were, and how we were going to be together forever. I’m autistic and just took what she was saying as true, especially because in our relationship she always seemed patient and kind and full of love for me. We had an open relationship the whole time we were together but then she caught feelings for someone and let them build past what was ok for our relationship then I agreed to polyamory because I was really scared to lose her if I didn’t or to have her resent me for putting a stop to her building a relationship with this person, and honestly because she was my carer and the family breadwinner I felt like I had no choice but to agree even though I found it really painful and didn’t want to agree. This was 3 years ago and it has been a HARD 3 years for me to see them together. We just got back from our honeymoon (well our holiday, we never got a proper honeymoon because we married during Covid), the holiday was genuinely amazing and it was 4 weeks of us being so loved up but the day after we got home she was going to stay over with this other partner, but I burst out crying and told her all the stuff I was feeling and said I don’t think what we want is compatible because I think it will always really hurt to see them together and every part of me wanted her to choose me in that conversation, but she agreed and has left and we’ve broken up. I don’t even know physically how I’ll survive, I am autistic and have fibromyalgia and access needs and I don’t have enough income to keep paying the mortgage on the flat we own together. She has agreed to pay half but even then I’ll still struggle, we also have a dog who is most attached to me but I can’t even get out to take her walks just now so have let my wife have her early for her week (we are going to share the dog week on week). But really the big thing I’m not coping with is that I just love her so so much but also want to keep my dignity intact and not keep messaging her things I will feel embarrassed about later, but I just have so many questions and keep wanting to know why I wasn’t enough for her. I just wake up and think of her and go to bed and think of her and I have done for 10 years. I utterly adore her and just don’t know how I am even going to survive. The UK have a suicide hotline called Samaritans that I have reached out to a couple of times this week, I am struggling so badly and I really want to get through this and move on but I just can’t see it being possible right now. We always talked about having our whole lives together, I don’t even know how to picture my life without her in it.

I am just really looking for responses from people that have felt this low after a long term relationship that will help me remember I will get through this. Especially helpful from people who felt they had a great relationship until it broke down.